Drug addict son wants to move back in

[Anonymous]

No way. Protect your younger son. Sorry you’re going through this. I have a sibling who also is addicted, and you must draw boundaries

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all the advice.

Im wondering why he thinks his life is over? Are people not accepting of people starting over in life in our society?
Does everyone have to have the same chronological cookie cutter life? college at 18, grad at 22 etc.

I dont understand.. Oh God… or is he depressed?

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 25 year old oxycodone addicted son wants to move back in. He has dabbled in heroin (won’t admit it).
I know because he couch surfed for a while and ended up staying at a neighbor shortly.

I have a 17y/o in HS.

Should I let him stay and for how long. My 25y/o has been doing God knows what since age 19.

Drugs started at 16/17.

He tells me the last time we spoke that he considers his life to be over and no point going back to school or get a job. He’s waiting to just ”kick the bucket since he’s basically almost 30 which means his life is over”. Direct quote from him.

Should I just let him do what he wants and move in?

Please spare me the judging we’ve tried everything.

If you turn him away, be prepared to bury him.
Are you resdy to always wonder "if?".

He's high suicidal risk.

Don't be taken advantage of, but get him in rehab.
Even as an out patient and as a firm condition of his coming home.

Solid advice. I agree that the 25 year old is crying out for help.

[Anonymous]

NO WAY. DON'T DO IT OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the advice.

Im wondering why he thinks his life is over? Are people not accepting of people starting over in life in our society?
Does everyone have to have the same chronological cookie cutter life? college at 18, grad at 22 etc.

I dont understand.. Oh God… or is he depressed?

Thank you

I don’t understand that thinking either. But my son is the same. And he’s pretty indifferent about whether he lives or dies so he has no self preservation instinct. It’s hard to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the advice.

Im wondering why he thinks his life is over? Are people not accepting of people starting over in life in our society?
Does everyone have to have the same chronological cookie cutter life? college at 18, grad at 22 etc.

I dont understand.. Oh God… or is he depressed?

Thank you

Definitely depression and could be other things like borderline personality disorder. They use to mask the pain. Substance abuse is a by product of mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the advice.

Im wondering why he thinks his life is over? Are people not accepting of people starting over in life in our society?
Does everyone have to have the same chronological cookie cutter life? college at 18, grad at 22 etc.

I dont understand.. Oh God… or is he depressed?

Thank you

He’s more familiar with drug culture and has been around drug addicts and dealers. He probably knows many, many people who have died by OD, committed suicide, or are just in an irreparable state. His examples of someone who turned their life around after heroin are probably few and far between. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to put up boundaries of unless you complete a residential treatment, IOP, OP and are in continued care and at least 6 months sober, you are not welcome.

By even considering him coming home without that is him winning the battle of manipulation.

You need to be prepared and accept that someday you might get that phone call you dread and you have to be ok with that.

This is mostly good advice but no, she doesn't have to be "ok" with getting that phone call. She is a human being and she has human emotions of her own. She can be scared as hell of it, hate the idea of it, violently opposed to it and still she can execute on not letting this adult come back and live in her home.

Being scared of the call and accepting that he is killing himself are two different things. He is killing himself, as a parent who has a child in recovery, you have to know that at anytime this call can happen and you also have to be able to say, I did everything I could to help. Everything you can do to help does not include living without boundaries. It doesn't mean throwing countless dollars at the problem, it means setting the boundaries that force them to make the right choice. Sometimes they don't.

That is something you learn along this journey. What you are proposing is not going to get him into a recovery program. It's going to let him know that he always has her ear, always has a chance she will allow him back in because you don't want that phone call.

He will only get well if he wants to get well, right now, he doesn't seem to want to get well.

OP -it's not easy but that boundary is the only one that got our kids attention and after 3 other failed attempts at recovery (residential, IOP, PHP) they are doing well today. We often speak and go to events on this issue, the people in recovery will tell you, until they had no other options, they were going to use. Once they realized they lost everything they got the help they needed. Some never do sadly.

Talk to friends and family about this, you will be surprised how many of us think we need to go on this journey alone.

It's the hardest thing you will ever do unless he doesn't get the help he needs.

My only proposal here is that she be allowed to feel whatever may feel, and does not have to arrive at “being okay” with getting the death notification before she draws the line she needs to draw immediately.

OP, all good thoughts to you. Don’t let him live in your house. Have you tried Al-Anon?

[Anonymous]

If he's at your house at least you can find him if god forbid he overdoses and call an ambulance. If he's there you can show you still love him and motivate him to get treatment. Versus being off who knows where being found days later.

There's medicine (Suboxone) he can take to get off the drugs

He can get better

[Anonymous]

Also please refer to him as your son. Your son who is in active addiction.

Not drug addict son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's at your house at least you can find him if god forbid he overdoses and call an ambulance. If he's there you can show you still love him and motivate him to get treatment. Versus being off who knows where being found days later.

There's medicine (Suboxone) he can take to get off the drugs

He can get better

He can get better but I don’t know that she needs to expose her high school junior to the ptsd of living with an addict and possibly finding him dead. If it was likely to help him beat the addiction it might be worth it but the fact is it’s not likely to help and may hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also please refer to him as your son. Your son who is in active addiction.

Not drug addict son.

I agree with this. Just that shift will help you and him -- it reinforces the point that what he's doing are actions that can be altered, not a permanent label.

Hugs to you OP.

[Anonymous]

An active addict cannot safely live with other people. The addiction comes first. Before relationships, duty, honesty or anything else.

If your son gets into recovery you might eventually be able to let him live with you subject to verifiable freedom from drugs and maintaining his recovery program. Even then, people do better in graduated programs like halfway houses, sober houses, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the advice.

Im wondering why he thinks his life is over? Are people not accepting of people starting over in life in our society?
Does everyone have to have the same chronological cookie cutter life? college at 18, grad at 22 etc.

I dont understand.. Oh God… or is he depressed?

Thank you

Drug and alcohol abuse that begins in adolescence will lead to a neurological rewiring of the brain. Over time, an addict will have trouble producing dopamine on their own. They need the drugs or the alcohol to feel "normal." Take it away and the brain becomes flooded with cortisol and other feel bad hormones. It's impossible to say whether a person is fundamentally depressed or mentally unwell until the drugs are out of their system and the brain has a little time to revert to its natural equilibrium. Only then can a proper diagnosis be made.

OP's son needs inpatient rehab followed by six months in a sober living facility that tests and requires residents to work. I know it's painful but this person should not be allowed back home until they're at least six months clean and working a program of recovery. There is another child to protect. Not to mention Ops sanity.

People cannot control an addict. Only the addict can take the first steps to getting better. I'm sorry. Addiction is such an awful, maddening thing for a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the advice.

Im wondering why he thinks his life is over? Are people not accepting of people starting over in life in our society?
Does everyone have to have the same chronological cookie cutter life? college at 18, grad at 22 etc.

I dont understand.. Oh God… or is he depressed?

Thank you

Drug and alcohol abuse that begins in adolescence will lead to a neurological rewiring of the brain. Over time, an addict will have trouble producing dopamine on their own. They need the drugs or the alcohol to feel "normal." Take it away and the brain becomes flooded with cortisol and other feel bad hormones. It's impossible to say whether a person is fundamentally depressed or mentally unwell until the drugs are out of their system and the brain has a little time to revert to its natural equilibrium. Only then can a proper diagnosis be made.

OP's son needs inpatient rehab followed by six months in a sober living facility that tests and requires residents to work. I know it's painful but this person should not be allowed back home until they're at least six months clean and working a program of recovery. There is another child to protect. Not to mention Ops sanity.

People cannot control an addict. Only the addict can take the first steps to getting better. I'm sorry. Addiction is such an awful, maddening thing for a parent.

What if the son dies due to an overdose or otherwise when he could have been at home under some supervision ?

Maybe asking to come home is this addicted person's way of taking the first step toward recovery.