DH does not take care of any life administration tasks

[Anonymous]

I am very frustrated with my DH and the distribution of "life administration" tasks in our household.

Basically, anything involving scheduling, logistics, money, or maintaining relationships falls on me. This includes all of the stuff for our kids and pest but also things that should be squarely on him in my view. Examples include making sure we keep in touch with and visit with his mother, setting up visits with his sister, scheduling hang outs with his friends and responding to birthday party invitations etc. that come through his contacts. Probably the most frustrating tasks are reminding him to set up doctor's appointments and dentist appointments, ensuring that his money stuff gets taken care of (example -- he wants to invest a bonus and just doesn't do it. Six months later, the money sits in his savings), and having to repeatedly remind him to take care of basic house repairs stuff.

I find this lack of initiative insulting -- it feels like I am majorly being taken advantage of -- and I find myself resenting him. I bring it up, he vows to change, and nada. There have even been a few instances where I've told him I am not reminding him or taking care of the tasks anymore and he will say, "Oh great, let me take that on." But then just drops the ball. I will get upset, he will vow to change, repeat.

FWIW, we both work full-time and have two small kids so I really am running out of bandwidth here. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

This is my life too and it’s so demoralizing. He really thinks I’m his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my life too and it’s so demoralizing. He really thinks I’m his mom.

Ugh sorry you deal with this too!! It is incredibly demoralizing. That's exactly it. He will occasionally, when I get really upset, say something like, "Oh you are just better at this stuff than me!" No, I am really not! I have honed the ability to manage multiple things at once out of necessity -- because you don't do it!

[Anonymous]

Indeed, he sucks and it's disrespectful.

Pick some things to stop doing them, and stop doing them. You have to choose things you don't actually care about, though, so that you won't get upset or pick up the ball. Just stop. He can deal with his own friends, or not, but you don't have to take on that task.

He probably thinks of a lot of this stuff as optional or not important, and is perplexed that you find it so important. Ask yourself what's really important and what's not. And spend his bonus on the home repairs.

[Anonymous]

Oh no, another "my inadequate" DH thread?

[Anonymous]

Drop the rope with his family members. And especially his friends, WTF.

[Anonymous]

He’ll probably change if you put out more.

[Anonymous]

Stop doing things. Why are you managing his relationship with his mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing things. Why are you managing his relationship with his mother?

He doesn't call her so she comes to me. Same with the friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very frustrated with my DH and the distribution of "life administration" tasks in our household.

Basically, anything involving scheduling, logistics, money, or maintaining relationships falls on me. This includes all of the stuff for our kids and pest but also things that should be squarely on him in my view. Examples include making sure we keep in touch with and visit with his mother, setting up visits with his sister, scheduling hang outs with his friends and responding to birthday party invitations etc. that come through his contacts. Probably the most frustrating tasks are reminding him to set up doctor's appointments and dentist appointments, ensuring that his money stuff gets taken care of (example -- he wants to invest a bonus and just doesn't do it. Six months later, the money sits in his savings), and having to repeatedly remind him to take care of basic house repairs stuff.

I find this lack of initiative insulting -- it feels like I am majorly being taken advantage of -- and I find myself resenting him. I bring it up, he vows to change, and nada. There have even been a few instances where I've told him I am not reminding him or taking care of the tasks anymore and he will say, "Oh great, let me take that on." But then just drops the ball. I will get upset, he will vow to change, repeat.

FWIW, we both work full-time and have two small kids so I really am running out of bandwidth here. Any advice?

So just don't do it. If he doesn't keep in touch with his mother and no visit occurs, his mother can discuss it with him. If he doesn't visit with his sister, she can discuss it with him. If he doesn't schedule time with his friends, then he doesn't hang out with him. If it's an invite to a bday party for your kid that came through his contacts, then you need to ask the contact to change who the invite is sent to or accept that your kid probably won't go unless you do something about it. Setting up dr/dentist appts--if he really wanted to do it, he would. It's not important to him so he doesn't. It's important to you. For the investments, again, if you care about it, do something about it. If you just want him to do it, he's not going to and that's just fine with him.

My advice is accept him for who he is. If the task that he's dropping impacts you or your children, step in. If it doesn't, than let it go. If you keep picking up the slack, he has no consequences for his actions. Everything always works out for him (because you fix it) so why should he change.

[Anonymous]

Why haven't you just stopped reaching out to his relatives? When he asks why they haven't heard from you, tell them they should ask him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing things. Why are you managing his relationship with his mother?

He doesn't call her so she comes to me. Same with the friends.

Use your words. Mary--I don't know why your son hasn't called you. You need to ask him. Tony, I don't know why John hasn't called you. You need to ask him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’ll probably change if you put out more.

Ha ha exactly. From the sound of OP she never puts out ever. Just complains and complains and complains.

[Anonymous]

Just don’t do them or leave him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing things. Why are you managing his relationship with his mother?

He doesn't call her so she comes to me. Same with the friends.

Use your words. Mary--I don't know why your son hasn't called you. You need to ask him. Tony, I don't know why John hasn't called you. You need to ask him.

Exactly. It's like some people try to be martyrs.