DH does not take care of any life administration tasks

[Anonymous]

Im in the same situation and agree it is key to forego any tasks that are not priorities for you. I absolutely will not make my DH doc appts. And delegate as many specific daily tasks as possible like driving, cooking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you will complain about how he does it even if it gets completed on time, add a bunch of irrelevant variables, and then ask why he did ask a bunch of irrelevant questions. He isn’t avoiding doing it, he is avoiding the fall out.

Not in my case. He doesn't do it because he doesn't get prestige, pay, or pleasure from household tasks or caring from his children. No matter how much I lower my expectations, praised him for half-assing it, or tried to live without things being done well or at all, he just will not pull his weight.

Bingo!

Many women here are blaming the women. Several articles have been written showing polls that even when women WOTH, they still do more of the work at home. It is tiring.

So stop doing it.

Why does OP have pets if she is tired of running admin? Big house? If so why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my dh too. He has ADHD.

My solution is just to do it myself and he picks up other things. He just cannot do life management tasks. Buy birthday gifts for his parents? He'd be out trying to find something the morning of. One year I left Christmas to him and he was out shopping on Christmas eve rather than spending time with his family and small children. ffs.

So I knew something had to change and I changed myself. I decided I enjoyed emotional labor tasks like buying stuff, scheduling stuff, remembering stuff. I specifically tell dh to do discrete tasks and he does them. It helps that he's very hard working, not lazy and doesn't want to be forgetful. So I schedule the appointments for kids and he takes them. I plan the birthday parties, but he's there cooking and cleaning and hosting when I need him. I do feel like I have to boss him around, but he appreciates it. He asks for "honey do lists" because otherwise he can't figure out what needs done.

It is what it is. He's a wonderful dh, dad and best friend. Thank god he had the foresight to marry a Type A wife.

Yup! This is me too. Its worked well for us in our 32 years of marriage. I became a SAHM after my 2nd kid was born and he is incredibly grateful that I handle the family, finances, kids, relatives, social life, properties, health, education of kids, careers of kids, weddings etc. He on the other hand is a doting DH, loving dad, good provider and cooks all our meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you will complain about how he does it even if it gets completed on time, add a bunch of irrelevant variables, and then ask why he did ask a bunch of irrelevant questions. He isn’t avoiding doing it, he is avoiding the fall out.

Not in my case. He doesn't do it because he doesn't get prestige, pay, or pleasure from household tasks or caring from his children. No matter how much I lower my expectations, praised him for half-assing it, or tried to live without things being done well or at all, he just will not pull his weight.

Bingo!

Many women here are blaming the women. Several articles have been written showing polls that even when women WOTH, they still do more of the work at home. It is tiring.

So stop doing it.

Why does OP have pets if she is tired of running admin? Big house? If so why?

And there you go blaming her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, another "my inadequate" DH thread?

Yeah. They just get married because they want to say they are married because it is less socially acceptable to be single. Then they realize what a piece of shit the person is and they are pissed. It’s always the same shit.
Newsflash if a person acts like a big piece of shit, it does not get better when you marry them it gets worse.
Stay single.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation . You absolutely have to stop handling his personal relationships. You don’t need to talk to his mom , set up visits with his sister he should do all of that . Same with his friends . You’re not his mom so this is ridiculous . Start handing him some of his own tasks , doctor appointments, he should do his own laundry etc. it will feel good for you to let go but you need to let go !!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drop the rope with his family members. And especially his friends, WTF.

This. That’s the easy first step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you will complain about how he does it even if it gets completed on time, add a bunch of irrelevant variables, and then ask why he did ask a bunch of irrelevant questions. He isn’t avoiding doing it, he is avoiding the fall out.

Then he should do it right and no one would complain. Yes, there is a right way to do things.

This is exactly why the submissivr partner "drops the rope". It's more efficient to not try than to try and always be wrong per the spouses whims.

If you insist upon a submissive husband, you have to take responsibility for the household.

No, he could just do it correctly and stop making excuses.

Why do men act so dumb? It's not cute. If my husband did things poorly just so I would do them instead, he'd be my ex husband. Thankfully my husband is an intelligent competent person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, another "my inadequate" DH thread?

Yeah. They just get married because they want to say they are married because it is less socially acceptable to be single. Then they realize what a piece of shit the person is and they are pissed. It’s always the same shit.
Newsflash if a person acts like a big piece of shit, it does not get better when you marry them it gets worse.
Stay single.

There are no pieces of shit here. Just people with incompatible needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar situation . You absolutely have to stop handling his personal relationships. You don’t need to talk to his mom , set up visits with his sister he should do all of that . Same with his friends . You’re not his mom so this is ridiculous . Start handing him some of his own tasks , doctor appointments, he should do his own laundry etc. it will feel good for you to let go but you need to let go !!!!

+1 He should handle his personal stuff and if that doesn't get done, that's on him.

My DH has ADHD so I am sympathetic to the challenges that creates. Fortunately for him, I actually love the researching, organizing, etc. of a lot of life admin so I don't mind that. We tend to divide work by giving him well defined units of life that have natural reminders build in because that way I could drop the rope and not get into reminding him or directing the work which would happen if I'm the planner/organizer and he's the do-er. So when the kids were little he was in charge of their baths. I didn't have to remind since it was a daily or sometimes every-other-day thing, always at the same time, and if he didn't restock supplies that was on him. He handles all dish washing (visible reminder if they stack up) and all grocery shopping (from a shared list we keep in the kitchen, he's going to notice when he runs out of necessary things). He does his laundry and most of the household laundry (sheets, towels, etc.) The rest of us do our own clothing. He pays the day-to-day bills because they visually stack up in the same spot in the house (if it were me I'd have them all online w/ autopay but he wants to do this job so he can handle it how he wants to) but I handle all our long-range financial planning, investments, taxes, etc.

For the most part this works well but only because I actually don't mind admin stuff, he is appreciative of my efforts, does take ownership of his things, and recognizes and deals with his ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is generally pretty good, but there's still some imbalances in "seeing things" that need to be done.

So I started telling him that I want him to pay attention to our home and family details the same way he pays attention to work stuff. I know his boss doesn't have to tell him 3 times about a meeting, and if he has a question, he checks his calendar first. So I started saying "check the calendar" when he'd ask me questions. He tried to push me saying "but I know you know" and I would say "and you can know too, if you read the emails AND THE CALENDAR". If you still have questions sure. But if you wouldn't bother a coworker with a question like "when is that meeting?" because you know you can do your own research to figure it out, then don't bother me like that.

It has helped it click for him a little. And point out how much he does it every week and how it adds to the dynamic of me "organizing" and he's just "along for the ride".

OP, I'm not sure your DH is ever going to change. I'd be looking towards the door if he can't manage basic life functions. I don't want to be my DH's life manager.

This is called "training"
When you need to change behavior, it has to be taught. And yes, his Mom should have done this - maybe she did and he didn't learn it. Men don't learn life skills unless someone requires them to.

Holy schnikes, that sounds miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, another "my inadequate" DH thread?

the sad part is that OP and many other women have inadequate DHs.

[Anonymous]

Not understanding how these men were before they got married. Did they not handle their own shlt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not understanding how these men were before they got married. Did they not handle their own shlt?

In my husband’s case his job became incredibly demanding when we had our second kid and that really exacerbated his ADHD. Plus, there wasn’t a whole lot to do when it was just the two of us. The Admin list got longer and longer with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not understanding how these men were before they got married. Did they not handle their own shlt?

We have secretaries for this.