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[quote=Anonymous]Oh I wish I knew you IRL because SAME and we could totally spend a whole night chatting about this kinda thing over drinks.

Personally - 
--I prioritize one of us taking kids to the doctor/dentist BUT this feels like something that could be outsourced if it works better for your family. Especially dentist, routine cleanings are very... routine. Annual doctor visit is something I'd try to have a parent attend, but if it's more than annual for some reason, sounds fine to have someone else do it. 
--ABSOLUTELY do not let yourself get into having someone at every single school thing. You've got to prioritize here. I think what's hard is that when we were kids, this was like... 3 things a year. The annual play and two school concerts, the end. So it was easy for them to be must attends. Now it's like 98027349775 things, many of which are during work hours. No. Prioritize. 2-3 things per kid, outside of work hours, that are really important and both parents should attend (hint: if it's during standard work hours, it's optional for sure). 2-4 other evening things per kid, max, that one parent attends. Max one daytime activity per parent per kid per year. These are MAXIMUMS. 
--I'd be fine with someone else doing the morning or evening routine. Maybe 2-4 times a week, total between the two? I'd prioritize being with my kids for dinner over getting ready in the morning.

I think where the flexibility comes in is thinking about the some total. If you rarely go to school events, someone else gets your kid dressed in the morning five days a week, someone else does school pickup and dinner and bedtime three days a week, a babysitter comes for a chunk of every Saturday, and you've never met your kid's dentist, that's a problem.

So try and move away from what's "OK" (based on what? DCUM? Please.) and towards - what you're doing now obviously isn't working. So, what's the lowest impact thing you're doing now that you could drop?

Other wider advice:
1) Lower your standards. Sheets can be washed less, house can be cleaned less, kids can do less extracurriculars, you can shower less, you can take fewer vacations. Less is more. 
2) Your happiness and wellbeing is critically important, just because you, too are a human who matters, but also because if mom is miserable and in poor mental/physical health, that impacts the whole family. It's NOT selfish to focus on your needs, it's critical.
3) Both you and your spouse have inflexible jobs? Then you BOTH have to take on these burdens. Make sure you're both contributing equally. If you're not, that's the first thing I'd change. Yes, maybe having the nanny take the kid to his annual checkup is less than ideal, but you know what is ideal? Dad taking him. Just as ideal as mom. 
4) Judge yourself on dad standards. Seriously. Would society call you a GREAT dad? Then you're killing it. 
5) Make sure you've giving this same once over to your job. Yeah, if you're an ER doctor, your job is inflexible, no two ways about it. But lots of people are out there putting their grocery order in while listening in to calls. Be one of those people.
6) If it still isn't right, your or your husband might want to consider decreasing your hours or changing jobs. Not because you CAN'T make it work (as long as you're both working less than 45 hours or so, it's doable) but because you might not want to live like you're living. That's okay, too. 
7) Get him the snip. Surprise change of life babies are a thing. [/quote]

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