Parental time and activities as kids age

[Anonymous]

I know this has been discussed before in various situations, but I'm wondering if anyone has experience with slightly younger children and how activities are handled. My DCs are 12 and 10 years old. DC12 is starting to become more competitive/serious about sports and is feeling resentful of my exDH, who is firmly committed to ensuring no extra curricular activities happen on his weekday evenings (which is currently just Tuesday night) or his weekends (every other from Friday evening to Sunday evening). For context, the one night a week custody is because ExDH moved out of state (about an hour away) after the divorce because the drive is long and they have to get up very early the next morning to make the drive back to our neighborhood where school is. DCs would prefer not to go there at all during the week, because it's rather disruptive, but for now we have continued this schedule.

I have been able to sign DC12 up for activities that only fall on M, W, Th evenings to date. Right now this includes swimming on M, W evenings, which I take him to, with the occasional music class or tutoring on Thursdays. However, he has decided he wants to move up to swimming 3 days a week next season (beginning in September) and his coaches are encouraging it now that he is 12. Unfortunately, the only practice options on his current team (which he loves) are M, W, F evenings or M, W evenings + Saturday morning. I have looked into other nearby clubs and it seems the schedules are similar. Ex-DH is adamantly against letting DC12 go to practices on his Friday evenings or to any Saturday mornings. I understand the Saturday morning opposition as he lives far away, but he works near our neighborhood so Fridays would just require him to wait an additional 30 minutes for practice to end before driving them to his home.

I would be fine with him missing every other Friday or Saturday, but the team has requirements for his level regarding attendance if he wants to attend meets. As it is, we move the custody schedule around at least once per month so that weekend swim meets fall on my weekends because he does not want his time with DCs to be spent doing activities.

DC10 is also currently in swim on M, W evenings and doesn't plan to add another day just yet, so no issues there. He has relayed to me that he says he has been shut down at every attempt to discuss. I have my own feelings about this of course, but I'm mostly concerned about DC12s feelings toward his father moving forward (building resentment) and with the unrealistic expectation exDH has regarding his time, particularly as our children get older. They will not be able to avoid weekend activities twice a month forever.

I guess what I'm asking is how other parents deal with scenarios like this. It's heartbreaking to hear how frustrated DC12 is becoming and how helpless we both feel to make a change.

[Anonymous]

OP here - apologies for the typos, written on my phone!

[Anonymous]

This schedule is unsustainable . Children’s needs come before parents.

What works for little kids does not work for older kids.

You and your ex have to figure out a new plan. The child should be accommodated , and kept out of the negotiations.

Period.

(Your husband made the choice to move far away while parenting young kids. Now he has to live with the consequences of that decision. The children should pay NO price.)

[Anonymous]

Can you find swim in his neighborhood or change visit days? My kid swims and there are lots of options for swim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you find swim in his neighborhood or change visit days? My kid swims and there are lots of options for swim.

So OP would have to drive an hour away for swim twice a week (mon and wed) EVERY week so that her ex doesn't have to wait 30 min. just once every other week?

[Anonymous]

Dad is being unreasonable. But you need to bring this up with Dad and come up with a plan that allows his desires to be met. That might mean being flexible, OP. Of course, he also needs to be flexible and reasonable. Saying no to activities on his time is unsustainable/.

[Anonymous]

This is tough, OP, and I’m sorry.

Technically, each parent can do whatever they want during their parenting time. But the child is the one who suffers.

Does Dad like to travel on his weekends? My ex does, so DS does not get to participate in weekend activities when he is with his dad. I have just accepted it, and explained it to the coaches. This means my kid is in rec, while his classmates are in club, but at least he’s playing something.

A few ideas:
1) can you deliver the child to dad on Fridays after swim practice? I know it’s a pain in the butt, but it allows your child to participate.

2) can you renegotiate the parenting schedule so dad gets more time in the summer, in exchange for you having your kids more time during the school year? It doesn’t solve the Friday issue, but it would make weekday sports easier. Maybe offer week on/week off during the summer in exchange for the mid-week overnight during the school year?

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. I also feel it's unsustainable and only punishes DC12. Eventually it will affect DC10 as well, I imagine.

I have tried finding other swim teams with different days (M, W, Th, for example) and they just don't seem to exist. MWF, or T/Th with or without Saturdays seems to be the norm.

exDH feels that because he has less time with DCs during the week, he is entitled to "uninterrupted" time with them on his evenings and weekends. I have offered to give him more time during the summer, but as it is, he doesn't take the 2 weeks of uninterrupted time he is entitled to. He prioritizes work over most all else, so taking 2 weeks off in the summer would never happen. I've offered for him to let DCs stay with him for 2 weeks and go to camp near his house, but he has never taken me up on that either.

The whole situation is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is tough, OP, and I’m sorry.

Technically, each parent can do whatever they want during their parenting time. But the child is the one who suffers.

Does Dad like to travel on his weekends? My ex does, so DS does not get to participate in weekend activities when he is with his dad. I have just accepted it, and explained it to the coaches. This means my kid is in rec, while his classmates are in club, but at least he’s playing something.

A few ideas:
1) can you deliver the child to dad on Fridays after swim practice? I know it’s a pain in the butt, but it allows your child to participate.

2) can you renegotiate the parenting schedule so dad gets more time in the summer, in exchange for you having your kids more time during the school year? It doesn’t solve the Friday issue, but it would make weekday sports easier. Maybe offer week on/week off during the summer in exchange for the mid-week overnight during the school year?

OP again - I have offered this; it's been shut down. I have considered just driving DC12 to practice and letting ExDH deal with picking him up 30 minutes early. Coaches can talk to him about it.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. You're trying your hardest, doing everything right, and still getting screwed. Unfortunately, all my solution ideas are crappy for you. But they might be best for your kid.

He's an hour away, but he works near where you live (and presumably where the kids go to school). Could you switch from Tuesday nights and every other week to week on/week off? In exchange for him handling activities on his weeks? Sucks for you, but 50/50 custody might be better and easier on your kid. If the drive is too long, is there any leeway on dad moving back? I mean, his job is near you, right?

Can you barter time? In exchange for the Friday afternoon slightly later pickup, could your son stay there Sunday night and have his father drop him right at school on Monday? Your ex-husband would probably also have to swing by your house to drop off his stuff.

Has your ex been confronted with the reality that there is no way for your son to compete if he doesn't practice on dad's time? What is dad's solution? Is it really his preference that son quit swimming?

Is there any way to communicate to ex-husband that his refusal to budge on swimming is hurting his relationship with his son? You might not be the best messenger for this, especially if your verbal conversations are contentious. Could you write a letter? Is there an intermediary your son could talk to? A grandparent? Or one of his father's friends? Who might listen to your son and then be willing to advocate for him to his dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is tough, OP, and I’m sorry.

Technically, each parent can do whatever they want during their parenting time. But the child is the one who suffers.

Does Dad like to travel on his weekends? My ex does, so DS does not get to participate in weekend activities when he is with his dad. I have just accepted it, and explained it to the coaches. This means my kid is in rec, while his classmates are in club, but at least he’s playing something.

A few ideas:
1) can you deliver the child to dad on Fridays after swim practice? I know it’s a pain in the butt, but it allows your child to participate.

2) can you renegotiate the parenting schedule so dad gets more time in the summer, in exchange for you having your kids more time during the school year? It doesn’t solve the Friday issue, but it would make weekday sports easier. Maybe offer week on/week off during the summer in exchange for the mid-week overnight during the school year?

OP again - I have offered this; it's been shut down. I have considered just driving DC12 to practice and letting ExDH deal with picking him up 30 minutes early. Coaches can talk to him about it.

Ooohh. I'm the 10:59 poster and I think this is a fabulous idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you. You're trying your hardest, doing everything right, and still getting screwed. Unfortunately, all my solution ideas are crappy for you. But they might be best for your kid.

He's an hour away, but he works near where you live (and presumably where the kids go to school). Could you switch from Tuesday nights and every other week to week on/week off? In exchange for him handling activities on his weeks? Sucks for you, but 50/50 custody might be better and easier on your kid. If the drive is too long, is there any leeway on dad moving back? I mean, his job is near you, right?

Can you barter time? In exchange for the Friday afternoon slightly later pickup, could your son stay there Sunday night and have his father drop him right at school on Monday? Your ex-husband would probably also have to swing by your house to drop off his stuff.

Has your ex been confronted with the reality that there is no way for your son to compete if he doesn't practice on dad's time? What is dad's solution? Is it really his preference that son quit swimming?

Is there any way to communicate to ex-husband that his refusal to budge on swimming is hurting his relationship with his son? You might not be the best messenger for this, especially if your verbal conversations are contentious. Could you write a letter? Is there an intermediary your son could talk to? A grandparent? Or one of his father's friends? Who might listen to your son and then be willing to advocate for him to his dad?

I appreciate these ideas! Unfortunately 50/50 is off the table. He never wanted it when we negotiated custody. He starts work before 8 am and as it is has to drop the kids off at my house on Wednesday mornings at 7:30 so he can make it to his office with time to spare. Their school doesn't start until 9 am. So he picks them up at 5:30 pm on Tuesday, they sit in the car in traffic for an hour, they have dinner, go to bed, and then get woken up at 6 am to make it back to our neighborhood by 7:30 am. They don't eat breakfast there or get dressed into school clothes. They do all that when they return to my home. I have been incredibly accommodating to his schedule, including switching weekends regularly, for the sake of my kids.

As for him moving back to the area... that likely won't happen. He bought a house with his new wife. She works 5 minutes from their new place, an hour away from both his kids and his job. She does not have children (yet). When we came up with the custody schedule during our separation, he told me and his lawyers that he was planning to find a place in our current area. I later found out he had no intention of doing that, as he moved right out of our home had already signed a lease with his then girlfriend an hour away.

I could let him keep them on Sunday evenings... that's definitely a suggestion I'll offer. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

OP again - I have tried reasoning with him on behalf of DC12. I am met with "You don't get to decide what I do with DCs on my time."

I'll think about someone who can serve as a go-between. DC12 may have some ideas too.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP. This would make me crazy. My ex-DH and I have a similar schedule and I can't imagine how miserable my kiddos would be if he put up those blocks. As it is, they miss other, more impromptu social stuff when they're with him but at least they make it to all their sporting events.

I would try to offer him other time in exchange for his flexibility on this. It's so unreasonable since he comes to your area for work.

[Anonymous]

The concept of uninterrupted time seems unreasonable, especially as kids age. If you were still married and all of you lived in one home, your kids would spend time apart from you for school, activities, play dates, birthday parties, etc.

I’m curious what activities your Ex plans when he has the kids. Does he never run an errand, put gas in the car, go grocery shopping? Does he actively engage with the kids for his full visit and never have downtime for them to play with other kids, read a book, etc.?

It feels like this is more about punishing you than wanting to spend time with the kids.