Parental time and activities as kids age

[Anonymous]

OP here - I appreciate all of the replies, even those I don't necessarily agree with. It helps give me perspective I might not have thought about.

The biggest issue is that currently DCs can only do activities on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings. That is VERY limiting as kids get older and have stuff going on. Especially bc there are 2 of them and they may not do the same sport forever.

Swimming is only one part of the equation, and the reason this is coming up now. DCs have had to say no to so many things over the last few years bc they are invited to stuff on Tuesday or Dad's weekend. Divorce is hard enough on kids, missing out on social things bc of divorce makes it that much worse. DC12 broke down last night about the schedule again, with summer coming up. He's frustrated, saying "Dad is the one who moved an hour away, why do I have to be punished for it?" He will not however, say this to exDH himself for fear of him getting angry.

DC12 is a talented swimmer and shows a lot of promise. As a few PPs pointed out, he knows he will not reach the next level if he's stuck swimming 2 days a week forever. It is extremely difficult to find a team that allows M,W,Th. All that I have inquired about require either Fridays or Saturdays.

But the bigger issue here is exDH feeling entitled to block his children from things they want to do. I have been and continue to be completely flexible with the custody schedule; it is exDH who has all of these parameters around what nights and weekends do and don't work for him. Sometimes it's work related, others it's travel for personal reasons.

It feels like there is no way to get him to see how much he's hurting DCs. Until they start to rebel or refuse to go with him, I suppose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of sitting in traffic for an hour, why not attend a sports practice for one kid while hanging out, talking with the other kid?

They would have less traffic and kids would get to have activities. If all they do is drive an hour and sleep on Tuesday night, why doesn’t he just take the kids to activities and dinner Tuesday night and let them sleep in their own beds?

He could also get them Friday after activities and keep them until Monday morning - replacing your Wednesday am routine.

OP here. I agree this would be logical. He doesn’t want to give up time with either kid. He also wants activity free time. It’s frustrating. I offered the Sunday evening in place of Tuesday night or friday activities. So he could wait until practice is over Friday and also keep them until Monday morning. His issue with Friday is he doesn’t want to sit in more traffic and apparently 30 minutes makes a difference.

Sounds like he thinks the kids are 5 yo and he will be the fun Disney Dad and the kids are there to stroke his ego.

Why doesn’t he want them to do some sport or arts well and take strong lessons? Weird.

No, it sounds like he wants to spend the little time he has with the kids and not sitting in the car at practice and not spending time with them.

It's called parenting time for a reason. Because the job during the time is to be a parent, which includes the fun parts, and the less fun parts like sitting in the car, and helping with homework, and putting their needs first.

The kids needs should be at the center of the decision making. Not the parent's desire for a playmate.

OP again - I WISH this were the case. But it seems they spend quite a bit of time on their iPads. They have to request to download games so I get the alerts. It's definitely not about the quality time. It's about the control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of sitting in traffic for an hour, why not attend a sports practice for one kid while hanging out, talking with the other kid?

They would have less traffic and kids would get to have activities. If all they do is drive an hour and sleep on Tuesday night, why doesn’t he just take the kids to activities and dinner Tuesday night and let them sleep in their own beds?

He could also get them Friday after activities and keep them until Monday morning - replacing your Wednesday am routine.

OP here. I agree this would be logical. He doesn’t want to give up time with either kid. He also wants activity free time. It’s frustrating. I offered the Sunday evening in place of Tuesday night or friday activities. So he could wait until practice is over Friday and also keep them until Monday morning. His issue with Friday is he doesn’t want to sit in more traffic and apparently 30 minutes makes a difference.

Sounds like he thinks the kids are 5 yo and he will be the fun Disney Dad and the kids are there to stroke his ego.

Why doesn’t he want them to do some sport or arts well and take strong lessons? Weird.

No, it sounds like he wants to spend the little time he has with the kids and not sitting in the car at practice and not spending time with them.

It's called parenting time for a reason. Because the job during the time is to be a parent, which includes the fun parts, and the less fun parts like sitting in the car, and helping with homework, and putting their needs first.

The kids needs should be at the center of the decision making. Not the parent's desire for a playmate.

Parenting time is when you share custody. Visitation is when you only get your kids every other weekend and maybe a few hours during the week. So, it's not reasonable to have Dad spend no 1-1 time with the kids as you over-schedule them and schedule on his time. He decides what happens on his time, you on yours. You know the schedule and you choose a team and times that work for the schedule. This is not competitive swim at a serious level if it's just 3 afternoons/evenings a week. You are not a parent if you have every other weekend visitation and you get no say in your child's life or schedule. As the custodial parent you don't get to dictate what happens during visits. You can request it, but you don't get to dictate it.

SOunds like Dad chose the schedule by moving away. Why should the kids and Mom have to pay the price?

[Anonymous]

You mentioned that you are flexible on a lot of things. For example, letting Dad change weekends when there is a meet.

Do you think you could stop your flexibility, in situations where it benefits Dad, for a while so that he's motivated to find a compromise, or would he just take that out on your kid? For example, if you didn't trade with him, and there was a meet, would he let your keep the kid on the meet weekend, or grudgingly take him, or would he let the kid miss?

[Anonymous]

Dad moving does not matter. It may have been a money or commute issue. In this area there are tons of swimming programs. You could find one to work with the current schedule or miss a day every other week. If you just want to stop the visits then just say so vs setting this up so no way dad can win. Or, you can drive the kid to dads after swim. How are you being flexible! You are choosing activities that happen on dads time and telling him that the activities take priority. Flexible would be finding a different club to swim with that has better times. Three day a week swimming isn’t much. And, right now it’s summer except if year round and at three days a week it’s only year round when they hit the next level group or you are in a private group and you can switch groups then. Summer swim they can miss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned that you are flexible on a lot of things. For example, letting Dad change weekends when there is a meet.

Do you think you could stop your flexibility, in situations where it benefits Dad, for a while so that he's motivated to find a compromise, or would he just take that out on your kid? For example, if you didn't trade with him, and there was a meet, would he let your keep the kid on the meet weekend, or grudgingly take him, or would he let the kid miss?

Op is not offering flexibility, she is demanding dad work around a scheduled she created without her consent. Normally this is done to stop the visits so she should just stop them vs creating drama. Then she’ll be like the other poster complaining about the lack of relationship when it was mostly her doing.

There are lots of swim programs. Kid can miss or she can drive to dads after sim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of sitting in traffic for an hour, why not attend a sports practice for one kid while hanging out, talking with the other kid?

They would have less traffic and kids would get to have activities. If all they do is drive an hour and sleep on Tuesday night, why doesn’t he just take the kids to activities and dinner Tuesday night and let them sleep in their own beds?

He could also get them Friday after activities and keep them until Monday morning - replacing your Wednesday am routine.

OP here. I agree this would be logical. He doesn’t want to give up time with either kid. He also wants activity free time. It’s frustrating. I offered the Sunday evening in place of Tuesday night or friday activities. So he could wait until practice is over Friday and also keep them until Monday morning. His issue with Friday is he doesn’t want to sit in more traffic and apparently 30 minutes makes a difference.

Sounds like he thinks the kids are 5 yo and he will be the fun Disney Dad and the kids are there to stroke his ego.

Why doesn’t he want them to do some sport or arts well and take strong lessons? Weird.

No, it sounds like he wants to spend the little time he has with the kids and not sitting in the car at practice and not spending time with them.

It's called parenting time for a reason. Because the job during the time is to be a parent, which includes the fun parts, and the less fun parts like sitting in the car, and helping with homework, and putting their needs first.

The kids needs should be at the center of the decision making. Not the parent's desire for a playmate.

OP again - I WISH this were the case. But it seems they spend quite a bit of time on their iPads. They have to request to download games so I get the alerts. It's definitely not about the quality time. It's about the control.

What he do his time is his choice. You are right it is about control and you are trying to control him. You can find a different program or drive the kids after swim. Just be honest as you don’t want the visits and say so. Go to court and have the kids say dad is terrible, abusive, neglectful and they hate it there. simple, done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of sitting in traffic for an hour, why not attend a sports practice for one kid while hanging out, talking with the other kid?

They would have less traffic and kids would get to have activities. If all they do is drive an hour and sleep on Tuesday night, why doesn’t he just take the kids to activities and dinner Tuesday night and let them sleep in their own beds?

He could also get them Friday after activities and keep them until Monday morning - replacing your Wednesday am routine.

OP here. I agree this would be logical. He doesn’t want to give up time with either kid. He also wants activity free time. It’s frustrating. I offered the Sunday evening in place of Tuesday night or friday activities. So he could wait until practice is over Friday and also keep them until Monday morning. His issue with Friday is he doesn’t want to sit in more traffic and apparently 30 minutes makes a difference.

Sounds like he thinks the kids are 5 yo and he will be the fun Disney Dad and the kids are there to stroke his ego.

Why doesn’t he want them to do some sport or arts well and take strong lessons? Weird.

No, it sounds like he wants to spend the little time he has with the kids and not sitting in the car at practice and not spending time with them.

It's called parenting time for a reason. Because the job during the time is to be a parent, which includes the fun parts, and the less fun parts like sitting in the car, and helping with homework, and putting their needs first.

The kids needs should be at the center of the decision making. Not the parent's desire for a playmate.

OP again - I WISH this were the case. But it seems they spend quite a bit of time on their iPads. They have to request to download games so I get the alerts. It's definitely not about the quality time. It's about the control.

What he do his time is his choice. You are right it is about control and you are trying to control him. You can find a different program or drive the kids after swim. Just be honest as you don’t want the visits and say so. Go to court and have the kids say dad is terrible, abusive, neglectful and they hate it there. simple, done.

If the dad is arguing that he wants to be with his kid more, then how is mom driving the kids after swim (so he loses an hour with one and an an hour and a half with the other) a solution?

I agree mom might end up doing it, because it appears she cares about the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of sitting in traffic for an hour, why not attend a sports practice for one kid while hanging out, talking with the other kid?

They would have less traffic and kids would get to have activities. If all they do is drive an hour and sleep on Tuesday night, why doesn’t he just take the kids to activities and dinner Tuesday night and let them sleep in their own beds?

He could also get them Friday after activities and keep them until Monday morning - replacing your Wednesday am routine.

OP here. I agree this would be logical. He doesn’t want to give up time with either kid. He also wants activity free time. It’s frustrating. I offered the Sunday evening in place of Tuesday night or friday activities. So he could wait until practice is over Friday and also keep them until Monday morning. His issue with Friday is he doesn’t want to sit in more traffic and apparently 30 minutes makes a difference.

Sounds like he thinks the kids are 5 yo and he will be the fun Disney Dad and the kids are there to stroke his ego.

Why doesn’t he want them to do some sport or arts well and take strong lessons? Weird.

No, it sounds like he wants to spend the little time he has with the kids and not sitting in the car at practice and not spending time with them.

It's called parenting time for a reason. Because the job during the time is to be a parent, which includes the fun parts, and the less fun parts like sitting in the car, and helping with homework, and putting their needs first.

The kids needs should be at the center of the decision making. Not the parent's desire for a playmate.

OP again - I WISH this were the case. But it seems they spend quite a bit of time on their iPads. They have to request to download games so I get the alerts. It's definitely not about the quality time. It's about the control.

What he do his time is his choice. You are right it is about control and you are trying to control him. You can find a different program or drive the kids after swim. Just be honest as you don’t want the visits and say so. Go to court and have the kids say dad is terrible, abusive, neglectful and they hate it there. simple, done.

Wow, you are projecting. OP here - no where did I say I wanted exDH to give up visits. I just want him to be reasonable and put his children first once in a while. For a whole 30 minutes every other week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned that you are flexible on a lot of things. For example, letting Dad change weekends when there is a meet.

Do you think you could stop your flexibility, in situations where it benefits Dad, for a while so that he's motivated to find a compromise, or would he just take that out on your kid? For example, if you didn't trade with him, and there was a meet, would he let your keep the kid on the meet weekend, or grudgingly take him, or would he let the kid miss?

Op is not offering flexibility, she is demanding dad work around a scheduled she created without her consent. Normally this is done to stop the visits so she should just stop them vs creating drama. Then she’ll be like the other poster complaining about the lack of relationship when it was mostly her doing.

There are lots of swim programs. Kid can miss or she can drive to dads after sim.

I don't know why I'm defending myself, but seriously, read the thread. The schedule I've created is AROUND HIS AVAILABILITY so far. I have never scheduled one single activity on exDH's time. DC12 would like to swim 3 days a week next year so we're trying to figure out a way to make this work. You are a very bitter person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad moving does not matter. It may have been a money or commute issue. In this area there are tons of swimming programs. You could find one to work with the current schedule or miss a day every other week. If you just want to stop the visits then just say so vs setting this up so no way dad can win. Or, you can drive the kid to dads after swim. How are you being flexible! You are choosing activities that happen on dads time and telling him that the activities take priority. Flexible would be finding a different club to swim with that has better times. Three day a week swimming isn’t much. And, right now it’s summer except if year round and at three days a week it’s only year round when they hit the next level group or you are in a private group and you can switch groups then. Summer swim they can miss.

Just ignore this pp, OP. I don't know if they are really that clueless, or if they just try to instigate drama with their false statements, but they are truly awful. They've posted in this thread multiple times and it's the same writing style that I've seen before in similar threads (like the dance dad thread from two years ago or the 17 year old football player thread from last fall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of sitting in traffic for an hour, why not attend a sports practice for one kid while hanging out, talking with the other kid?

They would have less traffic and kids would get to have activities. If all they do is drive an hour and sleep on Tuesday night, why doesn’t he just take the kids to activities and dinner Tuesday night and let them sleep in their own beds?

He could also get them Friday after activities and keep them until Monday morning - replacing your Wednesday am routine.

OP here. I agree this would be logical. He doesn’t want to give up time with either kid. He also wants activity free time. It’s frustrating. I offered the Sunday evening in place of Tuesday night or friday activities. So he could wait until practice is over Friday and also keep them until Monday morning. His issue with Friday is he doesn’t want to sit in more traffic and apparently 30 minutes makes a difference.

Sounds like he thinks the kids are 5 yo and he will be the fun Disney Dad and the kids are there to stroke his ego.

Why doesn’t he want them to do some sport or arts well and take strong lessons? Weird.

No, it sounds like he wants to spend the little time he has with the kids and not sitting in the car at practice and not spending time with them.

It's called parenting time for a reason. Because the job during the time is to be a parent, which includes the fun parts, and the less fun parts like sitting in the car, and helping with homework, and putting their needs first.

The kids needs should be at the center of the decision making. Not the parent's desire for a playmate.

OP again - I WISH this were the case. But it seems they spend quite a bit of time on their iPads. They have to request to download games so I get the alerts. It's definitely not about the quality time. It's about the control.

What he do his time is his choice. You are right it is about control and you are trying to control him. You can find a different program or drive the kids after swim. Just be honest as you don’t want the visits and say so. Go to court and have the kids say dad is terrible, abusive, neglectful and they hate it there. simple, done.

If the dad is arguing that he wants to be with his kid more, then how is mom driving the kids after swim (so he loses an hour with one and an an hour and a half with the other) a solution?

I agree mom might end up doing it, because it appears she cares about the kids.

It doesn't sound like Dad is asking for more time (who knows why - either he doesn't want it or OP will not allow it), but the issue is flexibility. Mom is talking about being flexible but she is not flexible at all. If she insists this is the only swim available (and those of us with kids who swim know its not true), then if its a transportation issue, the simple fix is for her to offer to transport the child after a swim is over. Maybe Dad has to get home to another younger child who gets out of daycare at a specific time or another reason he cannot wait around. We are only hearing one side of it. Flexibility goes both ways. Mom is deliberately planning activities Dad said no to on his time. That's not ok. Yes, the kid should swim but she needs to either work it out with Dad or find a different program or kid misses a day. The kid goes every other weekend so missing two swims a month is not a big deal. Or, maybe kid can miss one swim, and Mom can drive the kid after for the other swim. Lots of options. Or, maybe find a swim near Dad's house. But, what is very odd is the arguing now as most shutdown swim except if the child is at a very high competitive level or is older for the summer. Our summer swim didn't start till the child was 13; otherwise, it was summer teams. And, this child isn't super competitive if they are only swimming 3 days a week as normal would be 4-7 at that age, or even more if they swim twice a day).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad moving does not matter. It may have been a money or commute issue. In this area there are tons of swimming programs. You could find one to work with the current schedule or miss a day every other week. If you just want to stop the visits then just say so vs setting this up so no way dad can win. Or, you can drive the kid to dads after swim. How are you being flexible! You are choosing activities that happen on dads time and telling him that the activities take priority. Flexible would be finding a different club to swim with that has better times. Three day a week swimming isn’t much. And, right now it’s summer except if year round and at three days a week it’s only year round when they hit the next level group or you are in a private group and you can switch groups then. Summer swim they can miss.

Just ignore this pp, OP. I don't know if they are really that clueless, or if they just try to instigate drama with their false statements, but they are truly awful. They've posted in this thread multiple times and it's the same writing style that I've seen before in similar threads (like the dance dad thread from two years ago or the 17 year old football player thread from last fall.

Mom is scheduling swim deliberately on Dad's time when he has said it doesn't work for him. He has the kids 4 days a month. She is demanding he be flexible, but maybe there is a good reason he cannot be and maybe she needs to be more flexible. If she is changing the schedule and he picks up, the simple solution is for her to drive the kid there after swim. Or, pick another swim. There are LOTS of swim programs in this area and this child is entry level competitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of sitting in traffic for an hour, why not attend a sports practice for one kid while hanging out, talking with the other kid?

They would have less traffic and kids would get to have activities. If all they do is drive an hour and sleep on Tuesday night, why doesn’t he just take the kids to activities and dinner Tuesday night and let them sleep in their own beds?

He could also get them Friday after activities and keep them until Monday morning - replacing your Wednesday am routine.

OP here. I agree this would be logical. He doesn’t want to give up time with either kid. He also wants activity free time. It’s frustrating. I offered the Sunday evening in place of Tuesday night or friday activities. So he could wait until practice is over Friday and also keep them until Monday morning. His issue with Friday is he doesn’t want to sit in more traffic and apparently 30 minutes makes a difference.

Sounds like he thinks the kids are 5 yo and he will be the fun Disney Dad and the kids are there to stroke his ego.

Why doesn’t he want them to do some sport or arts well and take strong lessons? Weird.

No, it sounds like he wants to spend the little time he has with the kids and not sitting in the car at practice and not spending time with them.

It's called parenting time for a reason. Because the job during the time is to be a parent, which includes the fun parts, and the less fun parts like sitting in the car, and helping with homework, and putting their needs first.

The kids needs should be at the center of the decision making. Not the parent's desire for a playmate.

OP again - I WISH this were the case. But it seems they spend quite a bit of time on their iPads. They have to request to download games so I get the alerts. It's definitely not about the quality time. It's about the control.

What he do his time is his choice. You are right it is about control and you are trying to control him. You can find a different program or drive the kids after swim. Just be honest as you don’t want the visits and say so. Go to court and have the kids say dad is terrible, abusive, neglectful and they hate it there. simple, done.

Wow, you are projecting. OP here - no where did I say I wanted exDH to give up visits. I just want him to be reasonable and put his children first once in a while. For a whole 30 minutes every other week.

You are starting very much on that track of saying activities take priority. He is being reasonable as you aren't fully clear as to why he cannot stay. BUT, the simple solution is that you drive the kids to his house if you are changing the schedule. OR, you find another program. You expect him to change his schedule upon demand without any consideration to his schedule or what else might be going on with him. He's not a parent or parenting. This is a visit. He has very limited visits. You are the one who needs to work around the visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad moving does not matter. It may have been a money or commute issue. In this area there are tons of swimming programs. You could find one to work with the current schedule or miss a day every other week. If you just want to stop the visits then just say so vs setting this up so no way dad can win. Or, you can drive the kid to dads after swim. How are you being flexible! You are choosing activities that happen on dads time and telling him that the activities take priority. Flexible would be finding a different club to swim with that has better times. Three day a week swimming isn’t much. And, right now it’s summer except if year round and at three days a week it’s only year round when they hit the next level group or you are in a private group and you can switch groups then. Summer swim they can miss.

Just ignore this pp, OP. I don't know if they are really that clueless, or if they just try to instigate drama with their false statements, but they are truly awful. They've posted in this thread multiple times and it's the same writing style that I've seen before in similar threads (like the dance dad thread from two years ago or the 17 year old football player thread from last fall.

Mom is scheduling swim deliberately on Dad's time when he has said it doesn't work for him. He has the kids 4 days a month. She is demanding he be flexible, but maybe there is a good reason he cannot be and maybe she needs to be more flexible. If she is changing the schedule and he picks up, the simple solution is for her to drive the kid there after swim. Or, pick another swim. There are LOTS of swim programs in this area and this child is entry level competitive.

How is 4 Tuesdays, 2 Fridays, 2 Saturdays, and 2 Sundays 4 days? Can you actually not count?

So, your argument is both that kids who swim 2 days a week are "entry level" and that asking for him to be able to swim 3 days a week is unreasonable. Which is it?

And provide a link to this amazing swim program that has practices for 10 and 12 year olds on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday only.