Parental time and activities as kids age

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of sitting in traffic for an hour, why not attend a sports practice for one kid while hanging out, talking with the other kid?

They would have less traffic and kids would get to have activities. If all they do is drive an hour and sleep on Tuesday night, why doesn’t he just take the kids to activities and dinner Tuesday night and let them sleep in their own beds?

He could also get them Friday after activities and keep them until Monday morning - replacing your Wednesday am routine.

OP here. I agree this would be logical. He doesn’t want to give up time with either kid. He also wants activity free time. It’s frustrating. I offered the Sunday evening in place of Tuesday night or friday activities. So he could wait until practice is over Friday and also keep them until Monday morning. His issue with Friday is he doesn’t want to sit in more traffic and apparently 30 minutes makes a difference.

Sounds like he thinks the kids are 5 yo and he will be the fun Disney Dad and the kids are there to stroke his ego.

Why doesn’t he want them to do some sport or arts well and take strong lessons? Weird.

No, it sounds like he wants to spend the little time he has with the kids and not sitting in the car at practice and not spending time with them.

It's called parenting time for a reason. Because the job during the time is to be a parent, which includes the fun parts, and the less fun parts like sitting in the car, and helping with homework, and putting their needs first.

The kids needs should be at the center of the decision making. Not the parent's desire for a playmate.

OP again - I WISH this were the case. But it seems they spend quite a bit of time on their iPads. They have to request to download games so I get the alerts. It's definitely not about the quality time. It's about the control.

What he do his time is his choice. You are right it is about control and you are trying to control him. You can find a different program or drive the kids after swim. Just be honest as you don’t want the visits and say so. Go to court and have the kids say dad is terrible, abusive, neglectful and they hate it there. simple, done.

Wow, you are projecting. OP here - no where did I say I wanted exDH to give up visits. I just want him to be reasonable and put his children first once in a while. For a whole 30 minutes every other week.

You are starting very much on that track of saying activities take priority. He is being reasonable as you aren't fully clear as to why he cannot stay. BUT, the simple solution is that you drive the kids to his house if you are changing the schedule. OR, you find another program. You expect him to change his schedule upon demand without any consideration to his schedule or what else might be going on with him. He's not a parent or parenting. This is a visit. He has very limited visits. You are the one who needs to work around the visits.

If he's not a parent then he has no say in the kids' activities. If it's a playdate with someone who isn't a parent, then the actual parent should be choosing the activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of sitting in traffic for an hour, why not attend a sports practice for one kid while hanging out, talking with the other kid?

They would have less traffic and kids would get to have activities. If all they do is drive an hour and sleep on Tuesday night, why doesn’t he just take the kids to activities and dinner Tuesday night and let them sleep in their own beds?

He could also get them Friday after activities and keep them until Monday morning - replacing your Wednesday am routine.

OP here. I agree this would be logical. He doesn’t want to give up time with either kid. He also wants activity free time. It’s frustrating. I offered the Sunday evening in place of Tuesday night or friday activities. So he could wait until practice is over Friday and also keep them until Monday morning. His issue with Friday is he doesn’t want to sit in more traffic and apparently 30 minutes makes a difference.

Sounds like he thinks the kids are 5 yo and he will be the fun Disney Dad and the kids are there to stroke his ego.

Why doesn’t he want them to do some sport or arts well and take strong lessons? Weird.

No, it sounds like he wants to spend the little time he has with the kids and not sitting in the car at practice and not spending time with them.

It's called parenting time for a reason. Because the job during the time is to be a parent, which includes the fun parts, and the less fun parts like sitting in the car, and helping with homework, and putting their needs first.

The kids needs should be at the center of the decision making. Not the parent's desire for a playmate.

OP again - I WISH this were the case. But it seems they spend quite a bit of time on their iPads. They have to request to download games so I get the alerts. It's definitely not about the quality time. It's about the control.

What he do his time is his choice. You are right it is about control and you are trying to control him. You can find a different program or drive the kids after swim. Just be honest as you don’t want the visits and say so. Go to court and have the kids say dad is terrible, abusive, neglectful and they hate it there. simple, done.

Wow, you are projecting. OP here - no where did I say I wanted exDH to give up visits. I just want him to be reasonable and put his children first once in a while. For a whole 30 minutes every other week.

You are starting very much on that track of saying activities take priority. He is being reasonable as you aren't fully clear as to why he cannot stay. BUT, the simple solution is that you drive the kids to his house if you are changing the schedule. OR, you find another program. You expect him to change his schedule upon demand without any consideration to his schedule or what else might be going on with him. He's not a parent or parenting. This is a visit. He has very limited visits. You are the one who needs to work around the visits.

If he's not a parent then he has no say in the kids' activities. If it's a playdate with someone who isn't a parent, then the actual parent should be choosing the activities.

He isn't having a say in the activities. HOWEVER, it is his court-ordered visitation time and he has a say in what happens during that time. She's not asking him if the child can do the activity. She's telling him the child is doing the activity and telling him it conflicts with his visit. There may be a reason why DAD cannot stay later to get the child, such as other kids at home/day care that need picked up. Or, other logistical reasons. The simple solution is to pick another day for swim OR Mom drive the kids to Dad's house after swim if he agrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad moving does not matter. It may have been a money or commute issue. In this area there are tons of swimming programs. You could find one to work with the current schedule or miss a day every other week. If you just want to stop the visits then just say so vs setting this up so no way dad can win. Or, you can drive the kid to dads after swim. How are you being flexible! You are choosing activities that happen on dads time and telling him that the activities take priority. Flexible would be finding a different club to swim with that has better times. Three day a week swimming isn’t much. And, right now it’s summer except if year round and at three days a week it’s only year round when they hit the next level group or you are in a private group and you can switch groups then. Summer swim they can miss.

Just ignore this pp, OP. I don't know if they are really that clueless, or if they just try to instigate drama with their false statements, but they are truly awful. They've posted in this thread multiple times and it's the same writing style that I've seen before in similar threads (like the dance dad thread from two years ago or the 17 year old football player thread from last fall.

Mom is scheduling swim deliberately on Dad's time when he has said it doesn't work for him. He has the kids 4 days a month. She is demanding he be flexible, but maybe there is a good reason he cannot be and maybe she needs to be more flexible. If she is changing the schedule and he picks up, the simple solution is for her to drive the kid there after swim. Or, pick another swim. There are LOTS of swim programs in this area and this child is entry level competitive.

How is 4 Tuesdays, 2 Fridays, 2 Saturdays, and 2 Sundays 4 days? Can you actually not count?

So, your argument is both that kids who swim 2 days a week are "entry level" and that asking for him to be able to swim 3 days a week is unreasonable. Which is it?

And provide a link to this amazing swim program that has practices for 10 and 12 year olds on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday only.

The Tuesdays are what a few hours after school? The Friday is a few hours at night, and Sunday ends in the afternoon. So, that's basically 48 hours on the weekend and a few hours of Tuesdays.

The kids can just miss swim twice a month on those Fridays. You can drive the kids after swim. Or, YOU can find a program that fits that schedule. At age 12, if they are only swimming days a week, they can miss two days a month as they aren't exactly super competitive and it's more for fun and exercise. There are lots of options but you refuse to consider any. You expect Dad to be flexible but you in no way are willing to be flexible too. Or, maybe negotiate to switch the Tuesday's to another day if that works best for swim. Where do you live? We can help you look but most teams are hard to get into at that age except the insanely expensive ones that take everyone and aren't very good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad moving does not matter. It may have been a money or commute issue. In this area there are tons of swimming programs. You could find one to work with the current schedule or miss a day every other week. If you just want to stop the visits then just say so vs setting this up so no way dad can win. Or, you can drive the kid to dads after swim. How are you being flexible! You are choosing activities that happen on dads time and telling him that the activities take priority. Flexible would be finding a different club to swim with that has better times. Three day a week swimming isn’t much. And, right now it’s summer except if year round and at three days a week it’s only year round when they hit the next level group or you are in a private group and you can switch groups then. Summer swim they can miss.

Just ignore this pp, OP. I don't know if they are really that clueless, or if they just try to instigate drama with their false statements, but they are truly awful. They've posted in this thread multiple times and it's the same writing style that I've seen before in similar threads (like the dance dad thread from two years ago or the 17 year old football player thread from last fall.

Mom is scheduling swim deliberately on Dad's time when he has said it doesn't work for him. He has the kids 4 days a month. She is demanding he be flexible, but maybe there is a good reason he cannot be and maybe she needs to be more flexible. If she is changing the schedule and he picks up, the simple solution is for her to drive the kid there after swim. Or, pick another swim. There are LOTS of swim programs in this area and this child is entry level competitive.

How is 4 Tuesdays, 2 Fridays, 2 Saturdays, and 2 Sundays 4 days? Can you actually not count?

So, your argument is both that kids who swim 2 days a week are "entry level" and that asking for him to be able to swim 3 days a week is unreasonable. Which is it?

And provide a link to this amazing swim program that has practices for 10 and 12 year olds on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday only.

The Tuesdays are what a few hours after school? The Friday is a few hours at night, and Sunday ends in the afternoon. So, that's basically 48 hours on the weekend and a few hours of Tuesdays.

The kids can just miss swim twice a month on those Fridays. You can drive the kids after swim. Or, YOU can find a program that fits that schedule. At age 12, if they are only swimming days a week, they can miss two days a month as they aren't exactly super competitive and it's more for fun and exercise. There are lots of options but you refuse to consider any. You expect Dad to be flexible but you in no way are willing to be flexible too. Or, maybe negotiate to switch the Tuesday's to another day if that works best for swim. Where do you live? We can help you look but most teams are hard to get into at that age except the insanely expensive ones that take everyone and aren't very good.

Since I have never met these children I actually can’t drive them. I am pretty sure mom and dad would both object to that plan.

If school days don’t count as days in your bizarre calculation then I guess it’s 50/50 since they have equal numbers of weekend days. Clearly dad needs to do half the work then. Why isn’t he?