can you maintain a relationship with family if your sibling is a mooch

[Anonymous]

If you have an adult sibling who is a failure to launch, do you maintain a normal relationship with them and your parents? Mine is an extreme example - 41 yo brother has NEVER had a job despite multiple advanced degrees. Lives in a sfh by himself, travels, floats from cafe to cafe. Discussing going to Europe to "work" even though he couldn't even legally work there. My parents are in total denial and keep insisting he is on the cusp of being self reliant, launching his career, etc. It's a joke. He has probably received at least $50k of assistance every year of his life since he finished college - has premium health insurance, etc. Whenever I make a comment to my parents, I'm told I'm vindictive and only care about money. It is hard not to be snide. My brother was recently in a very bad car accident that was def the fault of the other driver, who is uninsured. My mom was saying what a "loser" the other person is because he is 50 and has no job or insurance. I pointed out that the only difference between the driver and my brother was parents paying the insurance. She hung up on me and emailed later saying she is so disappointed in me for causing her pain, and that I should embrace a better relationship with my brother.

I just can't do that. I'm disgusted, and honestly am not sure I can maintain a real relationship with any of them. I've been working since I was 21. I'm tired. I don't want to pretend this is normal or happy.

How have your relationships with your parents/sibling evolved if your sibling is getting substantial sums of money (and you are not) from your parents?

[Anonymous]

Sucks. The worst really is what feels like rejection from your parents.
Pursue what makes you happy. It may be your only option.

[Anonymous]

I've only been able to do it by avoiding the topic. It causes too much cognitive dissonance for my parents to talk about it. There was no point in saying what you said, OP-- it's better to let things like that go.

You can have a serious conversation with your parents about how you are unwilling to support your brother financially *at all*. If they start bringing that up, shut it down every single time, with a very flat and boring statement like "You know I will not pay for Larlo." Say the same boring words every time. This will cause them to leave him their entire estate, but they probably would have anyway.

[Anonymous]

I would let it go! is it really worth ruining your relationship with your parents over this? It's their issue. Let it be. Be supportive.

[Anonymous]

Is it affecting you other than your disgust?

[Anonymous]

By letting it go and recognizing that my parent gets to decide how they want to live their life and manage their money. That I am better off spending my energy caring for me and my family. By not talking to my parent ever about finances and not touching any topic that has anything to do with money and my siblings.

Decades ago my parent made clear that they would no longer be helping me emotionally or financially. Not a total surprise considering how my parent singled me out growing up. It stung but it propelled me to launch myself and get a life, profession, family going asap on my own. Parent went on to support siblings in many ways including rent until they were 30. Yea, it stung when I found these things out but I didn’t expect anything from parent any longer.

I have good relationships with parent and siblings. I have strong boundaries with parent. With siblings I do not bring up financials. We are all adults and it’s none of my business and it’s a topic that doesn’t benefit me and that frankly I don’t have the financial need which helps too.

The truth is a lot of parents don’t have completely “fair” relationships across their kids. Maybe it’s more obvious in some relationships. Sometimes it’s about money, sometimes not. But trying to pursue fairness or getting people to recognize sibling as “mooch” or overly dependent is a futile cause and waste of your energy.

My advice - work through the emotional stuff it brings up for you and work toward letting it go.

[Anonymous]

I had an uncle like this. He had trauma and probably serious undiagnosed mental health issues.

One thing that helps is to realize you would never want to trade places with him. It might help you let go a bit. And try not to talk about him with your parents.

[Anonymous]

You are in the wrong, because clearly people who do this have mental health issues. No one "wants" to live like this, OP, given societal opprobrium! Your brother likely has a combination of ASD/ADHD/anxiety or depression. It's very common, but for our 40-something generation, usually undiagnosed.

My 30 year old nephew has a high IQ, never held a job and is entirely supported by his father. He attempted suicide in school several times, has a severe sleep disorder and is depressed. He also has an Asperger's diagnosis. It helps that we do NOT judge him. Judging him would not help him be self-reliant, and certainly won't help with his health issues.

I have an ASD/ADHD 12th grader. He's received a ton of therapies and training ever since he was little, and I hope he will be financially independent. My husband also has the same traits, and retired early because working was too stressful (too much people stuff despite working in NIH research, where you don't actually need to work as a team most of the time). Luckily, he invested since he was young and we're comfortable.

We know several other high-functioning autistic people who manage to either find niche jobs (intelligence agencies for ex) or live off invention patents and savvy investments. But those are the high IQ successful ones who also got lucky. Many people with undiagnosed and untreated mental health disorders don't even know what they're suffering from and don't know they need help, or cannot be helped!

So stop thinking your brother is functional. He's not. You cannot judge him like your judge yourself. It's not fair to either one of you. You don't need to like this situation. But it will never change, and you're not going to get anywhere with your parents (who understand this way better than you!) if you continue to be a petty little person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an uncle like this. He had trauma and probably serious undiagnosed mental health issues.

One thing that helps is to realize you would never want to trade places with him. It might help you let go a bit. And try not to talk about him with your parents.

+1 I have not one but two brothers who failed to launch and are financially supported by my very wealthy parents. Hard not to be resentful when all they do is hang out and go on vacations together while DH and I work like dogs to support our family. We're now very worried about having enough saved for college, while one brother is selling his condo for $350K profit. The condo he never paid the mortgage for. Stuff like that is galling. I have a decent enough relationship with all of them, but there is distance that might not otherwise be there without the resentment. But I would 100% not want to be my brothers, and that does help quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

My brother in law is very similar. I am disgusted by his behavior and have kept my DC from knowing him (he’s also a jerk to DH) because I don’t want DC to envy this slacker lifestyle and learn these behaviors. The message seems to be, the more positive reinforcement (financial) comes the more pathetic you are. He claims he cannot spend his money on rent or supporting himself because he needs to save for his “old age” since he isn’t “lucky” enough to have a job with retirement benefits.

[Anonymous]

This is why it's so insane that some parents are afraid to get a diagnosis because they think it's too stigmatizing. If you knew your brother had a mental health issue, it would be easier to digest the situation.

I have a sibling with mental health issues who does hold down a job. She has personality issues going on and depression that manifests more as externalizing rather than internalizing. My parents had plenty of money to get her therapy, but didn't because she is their precious princess. She still is. No matter how many times her behavior causes problems in work and interpersonally, princess can do no wrong and must be catered to. She made some poor financial decisions and they bail her out.

My mother is livid I refuse to enable. When sister comes to me with the latest drama I tell her it is really something to sort through with a professional. My parents would rather her be this dysfunctional mess than actually get professional help.

I support myself, have a good marriage and get along at work and I am the villain because I will not join in this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

No mentally sound adult behaves like this OP.

50K a year is chicken change and not worth losing your dignity
Your brother probably has a mild mental disability that is difficult to notice/ diagnose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why it's so insane that some parents are afraid to get a diagnosis because they think it's too stigmatizing. If you knew your brother had a mental health issue, it would be easier to digest the situation.

I have a sibling with mental health issues who does hold down a job. She has personality issues going on and depression that manifests more as externalizing rather than internalizing. My parents had plenty of money to get her therapy, but didn't because she is their precious princess. She still is. No matter how many times her behavior causes problems in work and interpersonally, princess can do no wrong and must be catered to. She made some poor financial decisions and they bail her out.

My mother is livid I refuse to enable. When sister comes to me with the latest drama I tell her it is really something to sort through with a professional. My parents would rather her be this dysfunctional mess than actually get professional help.

I support myself, have a good marriage and get along at work and I am the villain because I will not join in this nonsense.

+1

Be glad she doesn't ask you for a job!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No mentally sound adult behaves like this OP.

50K a year is chicken change and not worth losing your dignity
Your brother probably has a mild mental disability that is difficult to notice/ diagnose.

50k a year is chicken change ??? Just wow.
For some people it would be a life changing amount of money. Every year.

[Anonymous]

Be glad you are not in his place. Your parents' sound like enabling narcissists. My parents are the same way and my sister is only slightly better than your brother. You got out, OP. You won. Be happy. That is the prize. Now stop expecting them to be functional and go live your life. I get that it's hard because I've been there, but you're waisting your time.