can you maintain a relationship with family if your sibling is a mooch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This mooching behavior can be contagious and observant children learn how to play the part. My brother in law who has legitimate mental health challenges (schizoaffective disorder, lives in government subsidized apt., NOT a moocher) got a lot of attention from his parents. His brother and sister were resentful and always let you know the “struggles” they themselves were having which were always FAR worse. They couldn’t hold a job other than giving music lessons or nannying. They managed to have EVERYTHING paid for by their parents including new cars, multiple vacations, housing, private school for the grandkids. The grandkids are now grown and they too “can’t” work and complain about how much everything costs.m. The eldest son has a successful career and enjoys his own life away from these cretins.

This is a super sad scenario for all. I had an older sibling with Down Syndrome. Full family member with nearly same expectations as everyone else (e.g., didn't write grocery list, etc). If anything, growing up with our sibling probably made us more compassionate as well as supportive of social safety net measures, etc. We also understood that there might be times when our sibling received more attention. Again, very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are in the wrong, because clearly people who do this have mental health issues. No one "wants" to live like this, OP, given societal opprobrium! Your brother likely has a combination of ASD/ADHD/anxiety or depression. It's very common, but for our 40-something generation, usually undiagnosed.

My 30 year old nephew has a high IQ, never held a job and is entirely supported by his father. He attempted suicide in school several times, has a severe sleep disorder and is depressed. He also has an Asperger's diagnosis. It helps that we do NOT judge him. Judging him would not help him be self-reliant, and certainly won't help with his health issues.

I have an ASD/ADHD 12th grader. He's received a ton of therapies and training ever since he was little, and I hope he will be financially independent. My husband also has the same traits, and retired early because working was too stressful (too much people stuff despite working in NIH research, where you don't actually need to work as a team most of the time). Luckily, he invested since he was young and we're comfortable.

We know several other high-functioning autistic people who manage to either find niche jobs (intelligence agencies for ex) or live off invention patents and savvy investments. But those are the high IQ successful ones who also got lucky. Many people with undiagnosed and untreated mental health disorders don't even know what they're suffering from and don't know they need help, or cannot be helped!

So stop thinking your brother is functional. He's not. You cannot judge him like your judge yourself. It's not fair to either one of you. You don't need to like this situation. But it will never change, and you're not going to get anywhere with your parents (who understand this way better than you!) if you continue to be a petty little person.

As the parent you owe it your child to help them launch not just feed them money so they can sit around and be a done nothing their entire lives. You should be helping them to be the best person they can be and living their lives to the fullest as they are able not making excuses for them to fail to launch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be glad you are not in his place. Your parents' sound like enabling narcissists. My parents are the same way and my sister is only slightly better than your brother. You got out, OP. You won. Be happy. That is the prize. Now stop expecting them to be functional and go live your life. I get that it's hard because I've been there, but you're waisting your time.

OP, what you really need to worry about is what will happen when your parents need care (do they have the money?) or when they die (will brother inherit enough to support his lifestyle?) You have to make sure and make it clear that you will not be supporting them or him. Beyond that, above is exactly right.

One of my siblings is lightly moochy (works, etc, but for birthdays I get, say, a t-shirt and sibling gets a major kitchen appliance). The best thing for my mental health has been to say "it's their money" but that they need to be sure they'll have enough to cover any significant needs as they age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have an adult sibling who is a failure to launch, do you maintain a normal relationship with them and your parents? Mine is an extreme example - 41 yo brother has NEVER had a job despite multiple advanced degrees. Lives in a sfh by himself, travels, floats from cafe to cafe. Discussing going to Europe to "work" even though he couldn't even legally work there. My parents are in total denial and keep insisting he is on the cusp of being self reliant, launching his career, etc. It's a joke. He has probably received at least $50k of assistance every year of his life since he finished college - has premium health insurance, etc. Whenever I make a comment to my parents, I'm told I'm vindictive and only care about money. It is hard not to be snide. My brother was recently in a very bad car accident that was def the fault of the other driver, who is uninsured. My mom was saying what a "loser" the other person is because he is 50 and has no job or insurance. I pointed out that the only difference between the driver and my brother was parents paying the insurance. She hung up on me and emailed later saying she is so disappointed in me for causing her pain, and that I should embrace a better relationship with my brother.

I just can't do that. I'm disgusted, and honestly am not sure I can maintain a real relationship with any of them. I've been working since I was 21. I'm tired. I don't want to pretend this is normal or happy.

How have your relationships with your parents/sibling evolved if your sibling is getting substantial sums of money (and you are not) from your parents?

If the sibling is ungrateful and a taker, it is almost impossible to have a normal relationship with them, OP. How much is enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be glad you are not in his place. Your parents' sound like enabling narcissists. My parents are the same way and my sister is only slightly better than your brother. You got out, OP. You won. Be happy. That is the prize. Now stop expecting them to be functional and go live your life. I get that it's hard because I've been there, but you're waisting your time.

OP, what you really need to worry about is what will happen when your parents need care (do they have the money?) or when they die (will brother inherit enough to support his lifestyle?) You have to make sure and make it clear that you will not be supporting them or him. Beyond that, above is exactly right.

One of my siblings is lightly moochy (works, etc, but for birthdays I get, say, a t-shirt and sibling gets a major kitchen appliance). The best thing for my mental health has been to say "it's their money" but that they need to be sure they'll have enough to cover any significant needs as they age.

Right - don’t try to have a normal relationship with any of them. Your family is dysfunctional so it’s not possible. My family is dysfunctional. My sister has BPD and is incredibly self-absorbed- jumping from one crises to the next. My parents are narcissists who enable her and coddle her. My sister gets far more financial support from my parents. Of course if I think about it I am bothered but I’m also sick of dwelling on the dysfunction after years of living in it as a child and young adult. Try your best to keep them at arms length and move on for your own well-being.

[Anonymous]

I am surprised by all the parents who have thousands to give and support their kids.

[Anonymous]

My SIL has the moocher lifestyle to an art form. I noticed one time she actually uses a baby voice when she talks to her parents and brothers then speaks like a normal adult in other situations. She’s a 64 year old divorced overweight unemployed mother but would have you think she is a sweet little girl who needs everyone’s protection from the big bad world and scary things like jobs and bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised by all the parents who have thousands to give and support their kids.

My parents have the money to support my brother's abberant lifestyle because they were cheap as hell when we were growing up -- we wore nothing but hand me downs, were told there was no money to go on the school field trips, etc. Everything was invested supposedly for the future. It's weird to now have my brother tapping into that money so that his SAHM wife can have expensive handbags and trips when we only had hamburger and never steak growing up. Makes you kind of wonder what the point of saving it all was.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I’m going through the same but my brother has 6 children. It’s sad/frustrating.

[Anonymous]

My SIL is an actress in her mid 50s. Since she started her career she has had regular acting and radio work but she has never had her 'big break' and has often struggled financially. Sometimes there were long gaps of several months when she had no work.

When she doesn't get any acting work she refuses to get other jobs to pay the bills because, in her own words, she 'can't go to auditions' if she takes a regular job, like waitressing or working in a store.
She also likes flashing the cash when she does get paid for an acting job.

SIL has always received a lot more practical, emotional and financial support from MIL than my DH and his other siblings, and she was never encouraged by MIL to look for other work.



.

[Anonymous]

I think for me the issue is all the family secrets. I posted about a Golden Child sister who clearly had mental health issues and entitlement, but instead of getting her diagnosed and getting her help my parents just enabled and now my elderly mom continues to do this.

I wish someone would just say to me, we made some mistakes. Your sister treated you terribly and clearly struggles with x, y, z diagnosis. We are pushing for therapy finally well into adulthood and wished we did it sooner.

I am so sorry so much of her life revolved around catering to your sister's mood swings. I am sorry we never acknowledged how hard it was for you and didn't get you help. I am sorry we spent more on her every step of the way and have paid for so many things for her we never offered to you.

We are proud of you for getting your own therapy and creating your own beautiful life. We are proud of you for doing the work to make relationships work. We are proud of your parenting and we are sorry we didn't do the things to help you we did for her.

We love you just as much as we love her!

Instead I was shamed into catering to her until I finally as a middle age adult decided no more. I was shamed into being a second class citizen. I was never told why she got so much special treatment my entire life. I was shamed for setting boundaries.

So enough about me, me, me. I am so sorry OP. It is unfair. You figure out your boundaries and set them. I wish i could change things for you, but I can't. I can tell you that you are not alone and we just have to accept what is and figure out what we can handle.

[Anonymous]

I am surprised how many people think ADHD is a debilitating mental health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised how many people think ADHD is a debilitating mental health issues.

It can be for some people. Like any other diagnosis, severity can vary. Some of the most successful people I’ve ever known have ADHD. But I’ve also known people with ADHD who can’t hold down a job because of how severe it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is an actress in her mid 50s. Since she started her career she has had regular acting and radio work but she has never had her 'big break' and has often struggled financially. Sometimes there were long gaps of several months when she had no work.

When she doesn't get any acting work she refuses to get other jobs to pay the bills because, in her own words, she 'can't go to auditions' if she takes a regular job, like waitressing or working in a store.
She also likes flashing the cash when she does get paid for an acting job.

SIL has always received a lot more practical, emotional and financial support from MIL than my DH and his other siblings, and she was never encouraged by MIL to look for other work.



.

That's unusual, I think most actors and actresses have to have a second jobs to pay the bills, and the majority are out of acting work longer than in it.
I used to work with an aspiring young actress. Her day job was receptionist, it never stopped her auditioning though.

[Anonymous]

You have to avoid it when you speak with them or distance yourself and disengage.