can you maintain a relationship with family if your sibling is a mooch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop drinking that poison of resentment. It’s not like you wish you were him.

I'm not the OP.

I'm sure OP doesn't wish to be like him, but what about the unfairness and the favoritism?
I would feel betrayed if my parents did this. And oh so angry.

And that will only hurt you. The only thing you can do is change your reaction and thinking. Because you’re never going to change them.

[Anonymous]

I’m the one whose brother has received $2 million more than me. I actually did ask them about it and they said I was just jealous and selfish. What I’m realizing is that what I would like to do is simply bow out gracefully they apparently held a contest, and I didn’t win. And I’m really conflicted because I’m Catholic and I know I’m supposed to honor my father and mother however, I feel so terrible. Every time I see them that it takes me a week to regain my equilibrium. I wish I could be allowed to bow out gracefully, and simply not participate. I also think it’s really unfair for my children to be subjected to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents give my brother and his wife over 100 K a year and have probably given them
2 million total. They pay for really expensive private schools
For his kids, all of the bill for college. Summer camps. Large house down payment. My sister and I get maybe 10k a year and our kids go to public school. For me the hardest part is watching my brother and his wife swam around like they are aristocrats when their entire lifestyle including a stay at home
Wife is subsidized by my parents. In our situation my parents now need help
With caregiving and I would like to just tell them that I will visit every twentieth time, because clearly he is the favorite and the one they want to see. Also maybe the lady without a job could help out.

I feel disgusted on your behalf by the favoritism!

Have you never talked to your parents about this?

If I were you I would back off now, live your life and let your mooching brother and his lazy wife deal with it.

This is different from the OP’s issue. I would feel the same as you PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the one whose brother has received $2 million more than me. I actually did ask them about it and they said I was just jealous and selfish. What I’m realizing is that what I would like to do is simply bow out gracefully they apparently held a contest, and I didn’t win. And I’m really conflicted because I’m Catholic and I know I’m supposed to honor my father and mother however, I feel so terrible. Every time I see them that it takes me a week to regain my equilibrium. I wish I could be allowed to bow out gracefully, and simply not participate. I also think it’s really unfair for my children to be subjected to this.

Cannot comment on the religious aspect of this, but I’d remove myself as much as possible from this scenario. See them at family events (if you go), call them to say happy birthday and to wish them happy holidays, but other than that remove yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the one whose brother has received $2 million more than me. I actually did ask them about it and they said I was just jealous and selfish. What I’m realizing is that what I would like to do is simply bow out gracefully they apparently held a contest, and I didn’t win. And I’m really conflicted because I’m Catholic and I know I’m supposed to honor my father and mother however, I feel so terrible. Every time I see them that it takes me a week to regain my equilibrium. I wish I could be allowed to bow out gracefully, and simply not participate. I also think it’s really unfair for my children to be subjected to this.

Honor your mother and father does not mean continue to pour yourself out when they're making hurtful choices. Uphold your own dignity. Grant yourself more space and limit what is shared with your parents. If they talk about your brother and his family, redirect or find a reason to end the conversation. I remember the advice to set boundaries so that you aren't spending the rest of the day putting yourself back together following an interaction. That came from a psychologist who is Catholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the one whose brother has received $2 million more than me. I actually did ask them about it and they said I was just jealous and selfish. What I’m realizing is that what I would like to do is simply bow out gracefully they apparently held a contest, and I didn’t win. And I’m really conflicted because I’m Catholic and I know I’m supposed to honor my father and mother however, I feel so terrible. Every time I see them that it takes me a week to regain my equilibrium. I wish I could be allowed to bow out gracefully, and simply not participate. I also think it’s really unfair for my children to be subjected to this.

Cannot comment on the religious aspect of this, but I’d remove myself as much as possible from this scenario. See them at family events (if you go), call them to say happy birthday and to wish them happy holidays, but other than that remove yourself.

I'm 9:56PP and this is what I do. It's too painful to be very involved with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents give my brother and his wife over 100 K a year and have probably given them
2 million total. They pay for really expensive private schools
For his kids, all of the bill for college. Summer camps. Large house down payment. My sister and I get maybe 10k a year and our kids go to public school. For me the hardest part is watching my brother and his wife swam around like they are aristocrats when their entire lifestyle including a stay at home
Wife is subsidized by my parents. In our situation my parents now need help
With caregiving and I would like to just tell them that I will visit every twentieth time, because clearly he is the favorite and the one they want to see. Also maybe the lady without a job could help out.

That’s a very different situation from OP, and I would resent that too. I guess in your situation l would feel like is getting $10k a year even worth maintaining a relationship with your parents. Your brother and SIL should do all the future caregiving because of the excessive favoritism.

This is OP. I actually think this is quite similar to my situation albeit with smaller numbers. My brother has probably received close to $1m total.... does not work... floats from cafe to cafe, takes hikes, plays his guitar. I don't get any $10k a year! I get to occasionally get reimbursed for the birthday presents I buy for my kids on my parents' behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents give my brother and his wife over 100 K a year and have probably given them
2 million total. They pay for really expensive private schools
For his kids, all of the bill for college. Summer camps. Large house down payment. My sister and I get maybe 10k a year and our kids go to public school. For me the hardest part is watching my brother and his wife swam around like they are aristocrats when their entire lifestyle including a stay at home
Wife is subsidized by my parents. In our situation my parents now need help
With caregiving and I would like to just tell them that I will visit every twentieth time, because clearly he is the favorite and the one they want to see. Also maybe the lady without a job could help out.

That’s a very different situation from OP, and I would resent that too. I guess in your situation l would feel like is getting $10k a year even worth maintaining a relationship with your parents. Your brother and SIL should do all the future caregiving because of the excessive favoritism.

This is OP. I actually think this is quite similar to my situation albeit with smaller numbers. My brother has probably received close to $1m total.... does not work... floats from cafe to cafe, takes hikes, plays his guitar. I don't get any $10k a year! I get to occasionally get reimbursed for the birthday presents I buy for my kids on my parents' behalf.

9:56PP. Same!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why it's so insane that some parents are afraid to get a diagnosis because they think it's too stigmatizing. If you knew your brother had a mental health issue, it would be easier to digest the situation.

I have a sibling with mental health issues who does hold down a job. She has personality issues going on and depression that manifests more as externalizing rather than internalizing. My parents had plenty of money to get her therapy, but didn't because she is their precious princess. She still is. No matter how many times her behavior causes problems in work and interpersonally, princess can do no wrong and must be catered to. She made some poor financial decisions and they bail her out.

My mother is livid I refuse to enable. When sister comes to me with the latest drama I tell her it is really something to sort through with a professional. My parents would rather her be this dysfunctional mess than actually get professional help.

I support myself, have a good marriage and get along at work and I am the villain because I will not join in this nonsense.

Lotta jealousy in this entire thread that parents are helping out other siblings more. If these siblings are so pathetic that they can’t support themselves in the same way you can, why not be appreciative of that fact instead of calling them “princesses” and giving them the cold shoulder?

[Anonymous]

Because most of these people are able bodied adults who do not have a diagnosed condition. Because even people with conditions like wheelchair users, people with downs etc. often derive a great deal of satisfaction from having a job and participating in a community. Being a parasite and living off others is a choice. Enabling someone like this and lying about it is also a choice and it often involves an elaborate web of lies that all family members are then pressured into going along with. Truth and honesty are good. This level of deception is not.

[Anonymous]

So he’s not entitled to their money, but you are? Because you sure seem to think you can tell them how to spend it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why it's so insane that some parents are afraid to get a diagnosis because they think it's too stigmatizing. If you knew your brother had a mental health issue, it would be easier to digest the situation.

I have a sibling with mental health issues who does hold down a job. She has personality issues going on and depression that manifests more as externalizing rather than internalizing. My parents had plenty of money to get her therapy, but didn't because she is their precious princess. She still is. No matter how many times her behavior causes problems in work and interpersonally, princess can do no wrong and must be catered to. She made some poor financial decisions and they bail her out.

My mother is livid I refuse to enable. When sister comes to me with the latest drama I tell her it is really something to sort through with a professional. My parents would rather her be this dysfunctional mess than actually get professional help.

I support myself, have a good marriage and get along at work and I am the villain because I will not join in this nonsense.

Lotta jealousy in this entire thread that parents are helping out other siblings more. If these siblings are so pathetic that they can’t support themselves in the same way you can, why not be appreciative of that fact instead of calling them “princesses” and giving them the cold shoulder?

I suspect a lot of these people are able to support themselves, they just don't want to. They don't want to put in the effort. So they play dumb. Delicate little flowers. Yeah, right ... They are moochers.
I've known one or two myself.
They are shameless too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he’s not entitled to their money, but you are? Because you sure seem to think you can tell them how to spend it.

No one is entitled to anyone else’s money and able bodied adults should not seek to be supported by others, existing in a childlike fashion. If someone does that then they are taking advantage of people. It is very hard to watch people
Engaging in manipulation of this sort, especially when the parents being manipulated are elderly. Often we siblings are concerned because we will likely be caregivers and the moo herd are depleting resources that may be needed for long term care etc

[Anonymous]

This mooching behavior can be contagious and observant children learn how to play the part. My brother in law who has legitimate mental health challenges (schizoaffective disorder, lives in government subsidized apt., NOT a moocher) got a lot of attention from his parents. His brother and sister were resentful and always let you know the “struggles” they themselves were having which were always FAR worse. They couldn’t hold a job other than giving music lessons or nannying. They managed to have EVERYTHING paid for by their parents including new cars, multiple vacations, housing, private school for the grandkids. The grandkids are now grown and they too “can’t” work and complain about how much everything costs.m. The eldest son has a successful career and enjoys his own life away from these cretins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he’s not entitled to their money, but you are? Because you sure seem to think you can tell them how to spend it.

No one is entitled to anyone else’s money and able bodied adults should not seek to be supported by others, existing in a childlike fashion. If someone does that then they are taking advantage of people. It is very hard to watch people
Engaging in manipulation of this sort, especially when the parents being manipulated are elderly. Often we siblings are concerned because we will likely be caregivers and the moo herd are depleting resources that may be needed for long term care etc

Honestly, your parents are probably enabling and benefitting from this behavior. Your parents are probably narcissists that need to feel needed. And I would remove myself from the situation and not jump in as caregiver. Let your parents figure it out. Let your sibling figure it out. You are allowed to drop the rope and focus on your life.