I said some things to my mom

[Anonymous]

I don't even know how to get into the complicated dynamics- but I was emotionally (and sometimes physically) abused as a child. My parents divorced young- and they had a lot of problems. I actually moved in with another family member when I was teen.

I'm in my early 50s, and totally estranged from my dad. I see my mom 2-3 times per year, she lives about three hours away.

Anyway, I tried to talk with my mom about her plans for getting older- she's in her mid seventies and in good health, but her condo has stairs and she's on a limited income. She got upset and took the opportunity to state that I don't care about her, and show no concern for her, and all of her friends are appalled at how terrible I am to her, etc. I think she was disappointed to hear the subtext that "she needs to think about her plans, meaning that I'm not the plan."

I let it go, until she started posting passive aggressive things on FB about how people should be treated (yeah, I know). It was triggering because she used to say terrible things to me when I was growing up and she would lose control and start hitting me. She was neglectful to the point that my clothes were dirty and I smelled. I could never have relied on her for any kind of crisis and she made it clear that if I caused her any trouble at all, she was going to hand me over to my dad.

I told her that her friends (these are church friends) think I'm terrible because they don't know who she is. I guess I need to vent-- I feel bad because she's old and lonely and stressed about the future. There was no point to it at our ages.

[Anonymous]

You are 50. Own your life. And get a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I know how you feel. There was a lot of abuse in my family of origin. I've had a lot of therapy, I broken the cycle and am in a good place. Yet, sometimes I get triggered - which it sounds like you were. I don't blame you. How hypocritical of your 'mother'! It's a pain point and one you are justified in feeling. I don't think you should feel guilty or regret what you did. I would encourage you to recognize the painful feelings for what they are and work to remove emotion from your responses going forward. You can still point out the abuse/neglect of your childhood. That's a fact. You should also not feel bad stepping away from your 'mother'. She doesn't get to cause waves in your life any more.

[Anonymous]

I relate OP. My mother lashed out in such fury when I tried to get her to make plans for aging that don't just include me being at her beckon call. We have some really abusive and dysfunctional dynamics in our family for generations. I've gotten a lot of therapy to deal with aging parents issues, on top of life throwing many stressors our way. Here is what helps me besides therapy:

1.) My husband and I have many inside jokes about it all and we watched shows like "Arrested Development" because the mother is so much like our mothers (but much more endearing than our moms)

2.) exercise and eating healthy

3.) Accepting this is my life. I didn't ask for it. I am not responsible for her happiness. I cannot be her target. I just set boundaries and keep stepping back. I run things as much as i can from beside the scenes and get paid strangers involved with her so she behaves.

4.) Don't share with people who don't get it. Some people have empathy, some assume it must be your fault. Don't waste energy on those who don't get it.

5.) Break the cycle...which i am sure you are.

6.) Step back and observe. I almost go outside my body when mom rages or sends a nastygram by text. I make my boundaries clear, but I also from a distance look at it and think about how utterly disturbed she is. I used to put her on a pedestal and blame myself. Now I see her more like one of those really yappy, irrational dogs who hates everyone, growls and can't cope with dog life. I want to be the dog that greets everyone in a friendly way and just enjoys life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I relate OP. My mother lashed out in such fury when I tried to get her to make plans for aging that don't just include me being at her beckon call. We have some really abusive and dysfunctional dynamics in our family for generations. I've gotten a lot of therapy to deal with aging parents issues, on top of life throwing many stressors our way. Here is what helps me besides therapy:

1.) My husband and I have many inside jokes about it all and we watched shows like "Arrested Development" because the mother is so much like our mothers (but much more endearing than our moms)

2.) exercise and eating healthy

3.) Accepting this is my life. I didn't ask for it. I am not responsible for her happiness. I cannot be her target. I just set boundaries and keep stepping back. I run things as much as i can from beside the scenes and get paid strangers involved with her so she behaves.

4.) Don't share with people who don't get it. Some people have empathy, some assume it must be your fault. Don't waste energy on those who don't get it.

5.) Break the cycle...which i am sure you are.

6.) Step back and observe. I almost go outside my body when mom rages or sends a nastygram by text. I make my boundaries clear, but I also from a distance look at it and think about how utterly disturbed she is. I used to put her on a pedestal and blame myself. Now I see her more like one of those really yappy, irrational dogs who hates everyone, growls and can't cope with dog life. I want to be the dog that greets everyone in a friendly way and just enjoys life.

[Anonymous]

Exercise daily, eat healthy, stay busy, learn to forgive in the context of understanding and accepting that there is a Higher Power.

You should not allow any further abuse to occur. This may mean severing ties.

[Anonymous]

Op here- thank you. I don't think anyone ever really gets over abuse, no matter how much therapy- we just learn to control our reactions to certain situations. I didn't do that last night even though I knew there was no purpose in lashing out.

I struggle with my mom because, as I've had my own experiences, I realize that my core emotions are pity and anger- both are uncomfortable and make me want to have very little contact with her, which makes me feel guilty!

My mom has *no* concern for me, or my family, or my marriage, or my own health and finances, not if she had to choose between what she wants and what is good for me..and her needing support that will require enormous resources of time, energy, money is scary!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I relate OP. My mother lashed out in such fury when I tried to get her to make plans for aging that don't just include me being at her beckon call. We have some really abusive and dysfunctional dynamics in our family for generations. I've gotten a lot of therapy to deal with aging parents issues, on top of life throwing many stressors our way. Here is what helps me besides therapy:

1.) My husband and I have many inside jokes about it all and we watched shows like "Arrested Development" because the mother is so much like our mothers (but much more endearing than our moms)

2.) exercise and eating healthy

3.) Accepting this is my life. I didn't ask for it. I am not responsible for her happiness. I cannot be her target. I just set boundaries and keep stepping back. I run things as much as i can from beside the scenes and get paid strangers involved with her so she behaves.

4.) Don't share with people who don't get it. Some people have empathy, some assume it must be your fault. Don't waste energy on those who don't get it.

5.) Break the cycle...which i am sure you are.

6.) Step back and observe. I almost go outside my body when mom rages or sends a nastygram by text. I make my boundaries clear, but I also from a distance look at it and think about how utterly disturbed she is. I used to put her on a pedestal and blame myself. Now I see her more like one of those really yappy, irrational dogs who hates everyone, growls and can't cope with dog life. I want to be the dog that greets everyone in a friendly way and just enjoys life.

It's "beck and call." Just FYI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- thank you. I don't think anyone ever really gets over abuse, no matter how much therapy- we just learn to control our reactions to certain situations. I didn't do that last night even though I knew there was no purpose in lashing out.

I struggle with my mom because, as I've had my own experiences, I realize that my core emotions are pity and anger- both are uncomfortable and make me want to have very little contact with her, which makes me feel guilty!

My mom has *no* concern for me, or my family, or my marriage, or my own health and finances, not if she had to choose between what she wants and what is good for me..and her needing support that will require enormous resources of time, energy, money is scary!

Her future is not your problem. You are not legally or morally obligated to support her financially or physically care for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- thank you. I don't think anyone ever really gets over abuse, no matter how much therapy- we just learn to control our reactions to certain situations. I didn't do that last night even though I knew there was no purpose in lashing out.

I struggle with my mom because, as I've had my own experiences, I realize that my core emotions are pity and anger- both are uncomfortable and make me want to have very little contact with her, which makes me feel guilty!

My mom has *no* concern for me, or my family, or my marriage, or my own health and finances, not if she had to choose between what she wants and what is good for me..and her needing support that will require enormous resources of time, energy, money is scary!

Her future is not your problem. You are not legally or morally obligated to support her financially or physically care for her.

OP here- I've always thought this, but it doesn't sit as easy as I thought it would.

I'll help help her make good decisions, ensure she gets good care with her resources (caregiver will be someone besides me) and supplement finances where it helps her without harming my family.

[Anonymous]

Don’t give a second thought about what your mom’s church friends think. Don’t give a first thought! It could even be good - if they think you’re some monster, maybe they’ll help your mom more and not call you to do it. Let the church take her in. Let them compensate for her horrible daughter. Terrific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t give a second thought about what your mom’s church friends think. Don’t give a first thought! It could even be good - if they think you’re some monster, maybe they’ll help your mom more and not call you to do it. Let the church take her in. Let them compensate for her horrible daughter. Terrific.

Thanks- I'm not too worried about the church friends, this is a "talk the talk, don't walk the walk" kind of church. It just bothered me initially but in a petty way.

[Anonymous]

I would highly recommend therapy.

I have a complicated family of origin dynamic with lots of mental illness and narcissistic behavior. Therapy has benefited me tremendously. It takes years to unravel how the challenging dynamics of a family treating you poorly play out in the rest of your life. Getting started on the work of coming to peace with your past will help you and everyone around you.

I hate to say this, but I think you kind of asked for this. I understand that you're not going to help your mom when she gets older, but I'm not clear why you needed to bring this up right now. Deal with problems and challenges as you move forward, as they happen. It seems unnecessarily confrontational to bring it up now, before it's a problem. For all you know she'll have a heart attack in two weeks and the issue of stairs will never come up.

No matter how good or bad our family relationships were, dealing with aging parents is emotionally fraught and complex. Especially for those of us who deal with anxiety, it's easy to worry in advance. But ultimately it really doesn't help anyone.

I wish you peace. I hope you can forgive yourself and ultimately your mom for an flaws and challenges you've each contributed to. Most of all, I'm sorry your endured abuse at the hands of your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- thank you. I don't think anyone ever really gets over abuse, no matter how much therapy- we just learn to control our reactions to certain situations. I didn't do that last night even though I knew there was no purpose in lashing out.

I struggle with my mom because, as I've had my own experiences, I realize that my core emotions are pity and anger- both are uncomfortable and make me want to have very little contact with her, which makes me feel guilty!

My mom has *no* concern for me, or my family, or my marriage, or my own health and finances, not if she had to choose between what she wants and what is good for me..and her needing support that will require enormous resources of time, energy, money is scary!

The guilt is an artifact from your dysfunctional childhood. You are in an unfortunate position because it seems like you feel obligated to help someone who has done f@ckall for you, even when she was supposed to be taking care of you. You'll find some empathy and support here, but you will also be told to "get therapy" or "grow up". There are quite a few people around here who are actively harming their kids and ACOD are like the ghost of Christmas future, but instead of changing their ways, they double down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would highly recommend therapy.

I have a complicated family of origin dynamic with lots of mental illness and narcissistic behavior. Therapy has benefited me tremendously. It takes years to unravel how the challenging dynamics of a family treating you poorly play out in the rest of your life. Getting started on the work of coming to peace with your past will help you and everyone around you.

I hate to say this, but I think you kind of asked for this. I understand that you're not going to help your mom when she gets older, but I'm not clear why you needed to bring this up right now. Deal with problems and challenges as you move forward, as they happen. It seems unnecessarily confrontational to bring it up now, before it's a problem. For all you know she'll have a heart attack in two weeks and the issue of stairs will never come up.

No matter how good or bad our family relationships were, dealing with aging parents is emotionally fraught and complex. Especially for those of us who deal with anxiety, it's easy to worry in advance. But ultimately it really doesn't help anyone.

I wish you peace. I hope you can forgive yourself and ultimately your mom for an flaws and challenges you've each contributed to. Most of all, I'm sorry your endured abuse at the hands of your family.

I disagree. OP did what we all do. You try to get them to make reasonable choices for their safety and your sanity. If they refuse you just have to be at peace and understand they may die alone on the floor after a bad fall from the steps, but you tried to prevent it. Often the emergencies come at the worst time and they are the type of things if an aide were there or they were at an AL they would be have a person required to help. It's the worst when you have to chose between say your child with the flu who may need to be hospitalized and your parent, but if mommy insisted everything must be her way, then there are consequences. You always chose the younger generation. My husband isn't commuting home from work early (2 hour commute) because mommy dearest or should I say abusive MIL dearest could not be bothered to plan for aging. If you want help from people you need to be considerate of their needs too.