Has anyone regretted leaving over infidelity?

[Anonymous]

Presumably most people stand by whatever decision they made, whether to stay or go, after learning of their spouse's infidelity. But I wonder whether any who left now think they acted rashly and wish they had just looked the other way.

I just always thought cheating was a dealbreaker, but I've been surprised by how many examples I've read on here of people choosing to stay. And if you still love the cheater (even if you shouldn't) and love having an intact family unit, why should you have to lose that for someone else's misdeeds? People say "so you can find someone who deserves you," but how many middle-aged women with kids find a second great love?

So are there some folks on here who took a principled stance and now secretly wonder whether they are really better off for it?

[Anonymous]

I think if you can find a way to be cordial and never have sex with the person again and live somewhat separately the way these no-sex marriages work that is safe and respectable if not fulfilling, it could maybe work out at least till the kids are out of the house. Have a new set of rules to follow about the marriage that both of you agree to and adhere to. I can't imagine living in fear or living a lie is healthy for anyone and it's rubbish to believe that someone cheating on you especially repeatedly actually still loves you. I think a lot of women miss the money but not the man if you are asking strictly about women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you can find a way to be cordial and never have sex with the person again and live somewhat separately the way these no-sex marriages work that is safe and respectable if not fulfilling, it could maybe work out at least till the kids are out of the house. Have a new set of rules to follow about the marriage that both of you agree to and adhere to. I can't imagine living in fear or living a lie is healthy for anyone and it's rubbish to believe that someone cheating on you especially repeatedly actually still loves you. I think a lot of women miss the money but not the man if you are asking strictly about women.

Regarding no sex, out of safety concerns: Imagine the alternative of going back out on the dating scene. Think of all the questionably safe, leap-of-faith sex (even with STDs testing) you'd have to have then. Potentially beng exposed secondhand to a few people through your spouse versus being directly exposed on the dating scene -- is the latter really better?

[Anonymous]

There are many ways to betray your spouse's confidence in a major way, and infidelity is but one of them. My husband has not cheated on me, but has done financial and other things that have created a serious rift in our marriage. He has ADHD/ASD, I can't trust him with finances, he refuses to medicate himself, and this is a serious matter.

But I don't want to divorce over it. As you correctly pointed out, why would *I* be the one to initiate costly divorce proceedings (because of course he'd fight me) only to end up with a lower HHI at the end because we need to support two households? To say nothing of finding a compatible partner later!

So no. My kids and I prefer to enjoy the economic and social benefits of staying as a family unit. This person I married is obviously not all bad, otherwise I would leave. He has his good sides. I prefer to take the good with the bad.

I'm in my 40s with teens. ALL the families I know are in this situation, more or less. There's always one spouse that isn't quite measuring up in one way or another, but the advantages of marriage outweigh the disadvantages.

[Anonymous]

We stayed together and are happy.

In the early days after DDay, one friend my husband confided in was a man whose wife cheated and they got divorced. I remember him saying, "You guys are so smart to try to work through it. I wish I had tried." He's had one girlfriend since the divorce but that didn't work out.

[Anonymous]

I actually regret taking my ex-partner back after the first time I learned of cheating. It wasted another five years of my life, and robbed me of the chance to build a family with someone worthy of me and of our future kids.

No regrets about leaving after the "second" time, which was almost certainly only the second I ever learned about.

[Anonymous]

I filed for divorce over cheating. The only things I miss are dual income (my single income is ok but not nearly close to $800k dual) and a beautiful Japanese garden with swimming pool that took 15 years to develop at former marital house. Maybe specific rooms where I liked reading with a view at the forest is what I miss the most. My ex retained marital house as I wouldn't be able to maintain the huge mansion.

I now live in a very cute central townhouse but it only has a small rose garden. Hoping to get a similar property with Japanese garden for my retirement. The only problem the plants take years to develop to the design you want

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you can find a way to be cordial and never have sex with the person again and live somewhat separately the way these no-sex marriages work that is safe and respectable if not fulfilling, it could maybe work out at least till the kids are out of the house. Have a new set of rules to follow about the marriage that both of you agree to and adhere to. I can't imagine living in fear or living a lie is healthy for anyone and it's rubbish to believe that someone cheating on you especially repeatedly actually still loves you. I think a lot of women miss the money but not the man if you are asking strictly about women.

Regarding no sex, out of safety concerns: Imagine the alternative of going back out on the dating scene. Think of all the questionably safe, leap-of-faith sex (even with STDs testing) you'd have to have then. Potentially beng exposed secondhand to a few people through your spouse versus being directly exposed on the dating scene -- is the latter really better?

The thing is - I think that a lot of women just forego the sex altogether - particularly after years of marriage and then being cheated on. Sex is usually not top priority. The wellbeing of the kids and financial implications later in life are very much the top concerns. How can I maintain this lifestyle for my kids - and I don't mean just in terms of "stuff" but the real impact of having two separate households and their mental well-being. This is one of the main reasons people stay - they do not want unhappy kids and yes - they martyr themselves.

This board is really an outward example - so many say that you shouldn't divorce unless it's abuse, addiction and they say adultery - but they really try to tell you to "work it out" when many of us think it's a dealbreaker. It is a dealbreaker in the heart - but in practical terms? It's hard to divest, start over, and if you're a SAHM? Unless the assets are really a lot, then your average SAHM with an average HHI is going to suffer due to the split. You go try finding a career at 40+ and never had a real career. What job will pay for housing for her and the kids.

These are really tough situations that everyone tries a one and done answer but it's so nuanced and personal. I think that the best advice I'd ever gotten is to understand that I do have a choice - and that I'm actively choosing "THIS". I do have control over my life - even if that life isn't one that I envisioned for myself or one that I want forever, it is something that I choose to do and make peace with those decisions. I feel for those who are truly unhappy, but remain faithful even if to themselves and take care of the kids. Even if all of you know that she can do better, be happier and tell her the kids will be alright. I get it. I live it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you can find a way to be cordial and never have sex with the person again and live somewhat separately the way these no-sex marriages work that is safe and respectable if not fulfilling, it could maybe work out at least till the kids are out of the house. Have a new set of rules to follow about the marriage that both of you agree to and adhere to. I can't imagine living in fear or living a lie is healthy for anyone and it's rubbish to believe that someone cheating on you especially repeatedly actually still loves you. I think a lot of women miss the money but not the man if you are asking strictly about women.

Regarding no sex, out of safety concerns: Imagine the alternative of going back out on the dating scene. Think of all the questionably safe, leap-of-faith sex (even with STDs testing) you'd have to have then. Potentially beng exposed secondhand to a few people through your spouse versus being directly exposed on the dating scene -- is the latter really better?

The thing is - I think that a lot of women just forego the sex altogether - particularly after years of marriage and then being cheated on. Sex is usually not top priority. The wellbeing of the kids and financial implications later in life are very much the top concerns. How can I maintain this lifestyle for my kids - and I don't mean just in terms of "stuff" but the real impact of having two separate households and their mental well-being. This is one of the main reasons people stay - they do not want unhappy kids and yes - they martyr themselves.

This board is really an outward example - so many say that you shouldn't divorce unless it's abuse, addiction and they say adultery - but they really try to tell you to "work it out" when many of us think it's a dealbreaker. It is a dealbreaker in the heart - but in practical terms? It's hard to divest, start over, and if you're a SAHM? Unless the assets are really a lot, then your average SAHM with an average HHI is going to suffer due to the split. You go try finding a career at 40+ and never had a real career. What job will pay for housing for her and the kids.

These are really tough situations that everyone tries a one and done answer but it's so nuanced and personal. I think that the best advice I'd ever gotten is to understand that I do have a choice - and that I'm actively choosing "THIS". I do have control over my life - even if that life isn't one that I envisioned for myself or one that I want forever, it is something that I choose to do and make peace with those decisions. I feel for those who are truly unhappy, but remain faithful even if to themselves and take care of the kids. Even if all of you know that she can do better, be happier and tell her the kids will be alright. I get it. I live it.

Hugs to you, PP.

Yes, it's empowering to understand that I have choices. Maybe I don't have a smorgasbord of amazing options to marry a bunch of billionaires or get a job earning big bucks, but I always have the ability to accept or reject what comes my way. In some ways, infidelity is just another big life change like winning the lottery or losing a limb, and they say that people generally revert to their normal level of life-satisfaction after an adjustment period. The exception is if your spouse is unremorseful and you are living in an on-going unhealthy environment. In that case, you need to make some changes before you can return to your normal level of happiness. Hopefully, infidelity or not, we are all setting healthy boundaries and making smart choices about what we will and won't accept in our lives.

[Anonymous]

Not just no, but hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are many ways to betray your spouse's confidence in a major way, and infidelity is but one of them. My husband has not cheated on me, but has done financial and other things that have created a serious rift in our marriage. He has ADHD/ASD, I can't trust him with finances, he refuses to medicate himself, and this is a serious matter.

But I don't want to divorce over it. As you correctly pointed out, why would *I* be the one to initiate costly divorce proceedings (because of course he'd fight me) only to end up with a lower HHI at the end because we need to support two households? To say nothing of finding a compatible partner later!

So no. My kids and I prefer to enjoy the economic and social benefits of staying as a family unit. This person I married is obviously not all bad, otherwise I would leave. He has his good sides. I prefer to take the good with the bad.

I'm in my 40s with teens. ALL the families I know are in this situation, more or less. There's always one spouse that isn't quite measuring up in one way or another, but the advantages of marriage outweigh the disadvantages.

This, all day.

My wife betrayed me in a non-sexual way and I would rather have been cheated on.

But anyway, I choose to stay for now and enjoy the family unit. Maybe I will feel differently when the kids are gone. Life isn't black and white. Divorce only trades one set of problems for another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you can find a way to be cordial and never have sex with the person again and live somewhat separately the way these no-sex marriages work that is safe and respectable if not fulfilling, it could maybe work out at least till the kids are out of the house. Have a new set of rules to follow about the marriage that both of you agree to and adhere to. I can't imagine living in fear or living a lie is healthy for anyone and it's rubbish to believe that someone cheating on you especially repeatedly actually still loves you. I think a lot of women miss the money but not the man if you are asking strictly about women.

Regarding no sex, out of safety concerns: Imagine the alternative of going back out on the dating scene. Think of all the questionably safe, leap-of-faith sex (even with STDs testing) you'd have to have then. Potentially beng exposed secondhand to a few people through your spouse versus being directly exposed on the dating scene -- is the latter really better?

I agree, but unfortunately, most people don't have a choice because one person wants out of the marriage eventually and/or the disrespect starts to run high and then there is no safety in the marriage. Or the person gets used to a point where they cease to have their own life. If those can be avoided and you can be cordial and come to agreement on new terms and be ok living on those terms then sure, but cheaters don't tend to be strong thinkers or compassionate people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you can find a way to be cordial and never have sex with the person again and live somewhat separately the way these no-sex marriages work that is safe and respectable if not fulfilling, it could maybe work out at least till the kids are out of the house. Have a new set of rules to follow about the marriage that both of you agree to and adhere to. I can't imagine living in fear or living a lie is healthy for anyone and it's rubbish to believe that someone cheating on you especially repeatedly actually still loves you. I think a lot of women miss the money but not the man if you are asking strictly about women.

Regarding no sex, out of safety concerns: Imagine the alternative of going back out on the dating scene. Think of all the questionably safe, leap-of-faith sex (even with STDs testing) you'd have to have then. Potentially beng exposed secondhand to a few people through your spouse versus being directly exposed on the dating scene -- is the latter really better?

I agree, but unfortunately, most people don't have a choice because one person wants out of the marriage eventually and/or the disrespect starts to run high and then there is no safety in the marriage. Or the person gets used to a point where they cease to have their own life. If those can be avoided and you can be cordial and come to agreement on new terms and be ok living on those terms then sure, but cheaters don't tend to be strong thinkers or compassionate people.

So true, lol sob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are many ways to betray your spouse's confidence in a major way, and infidelity is but one of them. My husband has not cheated on me, but has done financial and other things that have created a serious rift in our marriage. He has ADHD/ASD, I can't trust him with finances, he refuses to medicate himself, and this is a serious matter.

But I don't want to divorce over it. As you correctly pointed out, why would *I* be the one to initiate costly divorce proceedings (because of course he'd fight me) only to end up with a lower HHI at the end because we need to support two households? To say nothing of finding a compatible partner later!

So no. My kids and I prefer to enjoy the economic and social benefits of staying as a family unit. This person I married is obviously not all bad, otherwise I would leave. He has his good sides. I prefer to take the good with the bad.

I'm in my 40s with teens. ALL the families I know are in this situation, more or less. There's always one spouse that isn't quite measuring up in one way or another, but the advantages of marriage outweigh the disadvantages.

This, all day.

My wife betrayed me in a non-sexual way and I would rather have been cheated on.

But anyway, I choose to stay for now and enjoy the family unit. Maybe I will feel differently when the kids are gone. Life isn't black and white. Divorce only trades one set of problems for another.

I realized too late that nmy ex's financial infidelity was a symptom of his dishonesty which eventually led to sexual infidelity. It wasn't that he was paying for dinners out with others or anything like that. He couldn't face his life sexually or financially and was a habitual liar. So just be careful. A new infidelity could pop up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you can find a way to be cordial and never have sex with the person again and live somewhat separately the way these no-sex marriages work that is safe and respectable if not fulfilling, it could maybe work out at least till the kids are out of the house. Have a new set of rules to follow about the marriage that both of you agree to and adhere to. I can't imagine living in fear or living a lie is healthy for anyone and it's rubbish to believe that someone cheating on you especially repeatedly actually still loves you. I think a lot of women miss the money but not the man if you are asking strictly about women.

Regarding no sex, out of safety concerns: Imagine the alternative of going back out on the dating scene. Think of all the questionably safe, leap-of-faith sex (even with STDs testing) you'd have to have then. Potentially beng exposed secondhand to a few people through your spouse versus being directly exposed on the dating scene -- is the latter really better?

Also, my ex told me he was done with seeing others and had never had sex. I got an sti from him for trying to work through the marriage for a year. Nice parting gift. Cheaters are not safe people.