Has anyone regretted leaving over infidelity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:people are only as loyal as their options. The reason why most of people on here leave is because they can’t afford to get a divorce. One of the reasons why UMC people have low divorce rates is because if they do divorce there lifestyle takes a hit. Especially for women who are stay at home moms. They won’t be able to afford the neighborhood they live in on their income alone.

Again, people are only as loyal as their options.

Speak for yourself.

Loyalty is a prosocial value upon which the fabric of society is built. It's a survival instinct to want to remain on good terms with our tribe. Many people have strong values and don't operate simply on whim and self-interest. Of course, there are those that do (you, apparently), but they're at the far end of the bell curve.

What a BS about loyalty ! The reason why cheaters lead double life is because it allows them to take advantage over both spouse and AP. People who step over dead bodies to get ahead in life usually do succeed, unfortunately. Because others operate by rules and they take advantage of these rules. That’s the reality.

I don't see any value in "getting ahead" if I don't have true bonds with others. To me, getting ahead is being a good person who loves and is loved. People who take advantage may have material success, but not the kind that really counts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you can find a way to be cordial and never have sex with the person again and live somewhat separately the way these no-sex marriages work that is safe and respectable if not fulfilling, it could maybe work out at least till the kids are out of the house. Have a new set of rules to follow about the marriage that both of you agree to and adhere to. I can't imagine living in fear or living a lie is healthy for anyone and it's rubbish to believe that someone cheating on you especially repeatedly actually still loves you. I think a lot of women miss the money but not the man if you are asking strictly about women.

Regarding no sex, out of safety concerns: Imagine the alternative of going back out on the dating scene. Think of all the questionably safe, leap-of-faith sex (even with STDs testing) you'd have to have then. Potentially beng exposed secondhand to a few people through your spouse versus being directly exposed on the dating scene -- is the latter really better?

What? When you’re in a no sex marriage there’s actually no sex in many many cases. This means sex is done in a scenario: you’re not risking anything. There was no cheating in my marriage but we did not have sex for seven years. Eventually we divorced but the only way we were able to last a decade was that we were living separate lives the entire time and we did not have sex after year three.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you can find a way to be cordial and never have sex with the person again and live somewhat separately the way these no-sex marriages work that is safe and respectable if not fulfilling, it could maybe work out at least till the kids are out of the house. Have a new set of rules to follow about the marriage that both of you agree to and adhere to. I can't imagine living in fear or living a lie is healthy for anyone and it's rubbish to believe that someone cheating on you especially repeatedly actually still loves you. I think a lot of women miss the money but not the man if you are asking strictly about women.

Keep in mind "no-sex marriage" means that he continues to sleep with his AP.

Obviously, but who cares? If you decide you don’t wanna have sex with them again but you’re staying married because of the marriage it doesn’t matter. I think people really can’t understand they can actually decide they will never have sex with their husbands again and then they don’t care if they’re sleeping with anybody else. That’s actually a good thing because then he’s not going to bother his wife anymore he doesn’t want to be with him. I had a no sex marriage seriously because I couldn’t stand him and I was staying because of the kids for the longest time but we still ended up divorced but I full out told him I didn’t care if he slept with anybody else. I was never sleeping with him again. I did not want to be married but I was trapped geographically and I had to stay and eventually I was able to leave because I am moving to the right location but it took almost a decade. He did not have a mistress but I told him he could have one and I wouldn’t divorce him over cheating but I would divorce him over being a jerk and eventually I did. (Low T). The point is if a woman decides she’s done having sex with her husband she doesn’t really care if he’s having sex with his AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are quite a few who come out of it with a much better marriage. I stayed and we are very happy. We always had an active sex life and still do. I guess the type of cheating matters, the circumstances and the quality/love/happiness of the marriage prior to cheating. We lost ourselves in the kid heavy years and both carried some unexpressed resentment had communication issues—it was largely a byproduct of kids taking all our focus and the different ways we dealt with that. Spouse was deeply, deeply remorseful and did a ton of work and still lists it as his biggest regret in life. I’m not sure we would have addressed our issues and just kept chugging along growing more dissatisfied if the infidelity hadn’t cracked everything wide open. I would never want anyone to go through that because it is absolutely brutal, but we have a beautiful family and are very happy and I’m glad I ultimately didn’t leave. Of it happens again, I would leave and that is known as well as ways to communicate clearly if one of us is unhappy.

This was like my story. My therapist has said there are way more of us, but it’s a secret thing in society so you only hear about the ones that split up or someone abandoned the family. It felt better to learn many people face it at some point in a long marriage. But it’s very isolating to go through because it’s not something you tend to confide in anyone if you plan to reconcile.

+1 our marriage was never sexless. In fact, I was disgusted to learn that while we continued to have regular, passionate sex several times a week, he occasionally got it with someone else. That was one of the biggest roadblocks for me to overcome and still a sticking point, my personal health and not having agency over that. I also realized there is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage because you are only one person in the equation and if they have ingrained poor coping issues they need to fix those- you can’t do that for them. Without their own therapy, it’s a lost cause and it is what they will revert to at the first sign of personal dissatisfaction/self-esteem issue/stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:people are only as loyal as their options. The reason why most of people on here leave is because they can’t afford to get a divorce. One of the reasons why UMC people have low divorce rates is because if they do divorce there lifestyle takes a hit. Especially for women who are stay at home moms. They won’t be able to afford the neighborhood they live in on their income alone.

Again, people are only as loyal as their options.

Speak for yourself.

Loyalty is a prosocial value upon which the fabric of society is built. It's a survival instinct to want to remain on good terms with our tribe. Many people have strong values and don't operate simply on whim and self-interest. Of course, there are those that do (you, apparently), but they're at the far end of the bell curve.

What a BS about loyalty ! The reason why cheaters lead double life is because it allows them to take advantage over both spouse and AP. People who step over dead bodies to get ahead in life usually do succeed, unfortunately. Because others operate by rules and they take advantage of these rules. That’s the reality.

I don't see any value in "getting ahead" if I don't have true bonds with others. To me, getting ahead is being a good person who loves and is loved. People who take advantage may have material success, but not the kind that really counts.

Thats you. But men don't think like that. They are able to develop and break bonds way faster than women. IMHO. The advantage of cheating is obvious: he's able to plan his life way ahead without the wife or kids in the picture, secure a new partner that he like while stringing the wife along for the sake of kids care, image, finances etc. When time comes he strikes and leaves at the top of real estate market, at the top of his earning capacity, with a new partner he sexually enjoys, gets rid of kids and is in his narcissic mind fully set for retirement. And what's worse, everyone around would think that it must the the exW who really got on his nerves, as that's how it would be presented. So he would retain the same friends circle, the same home and the exW who had no clue would be all f...d up

The same with jobs: these people tend to dump business partners, steal equity from companies, change jobs often to climb up etc.

I do think that living with a cheating spouse is very dangerous for your own well being, in a sense that if you don't know about it you are not able to plan accordingly for a future single life. I would have done different financial and child rearing decisions if I knew about a prolonged cheating behind my back

Of course when it's an open marriage and the wife told him she didn't care it's a different story. But as you an see from PPs, they stay primarily for financial reasons not "loyalty"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:people are only as loyal as their options. The reason why most of people on here leave is because they can’t afford to get a divorce. One of the reasons why UMC people have low divorce rates is because if they do divorce there lifestyle takes a hit. Especially for women who are stay at home moms. They won’t be able to afford the neighborhood they live in on their income alone.

Again, people are only as loyal as their options.

Speak for yourself.

Loyalty is a prosocial value upon which the fabric of society is built. It's a survival instinct to want to remain on good terms with our tribe. Many people have strong values and don't operate simply on whim and self-interest. Of course, there are those that do (you, apparently), but they're at the far end of the bell curve.

What a BS about loyalty ! The reason why cheaters lead double life is because it allows them to take advantage over both spouse and AP. People who step over dead bodies to get ahead in life usually do succeed, unfortunately. Because others operate by rules and they take advantage of these rules. That’s the reality.

I don't see any value in "getting ahead" if I don't have true bonds with others. To me, getting ahead is being a good person who loves and is loved. People who take advantage may have material success, but not the kind that really counts.

Thats you. But men don't think like that. They are able to develop and break bonds way faster than women. IMHO. The advantage of cheating is obvious: he's able to plan his life way ahead without the wife or kids in the picture, secure a new partner that he like while stringing the wife along for the sake of kids care, image, finances etc. When time comes he strikes and leaves at the top of real estate market, at the top of his earning capacity, with a new partner he sexually enjoys, gets rid of kids and is in his narcissic mind fully set for retirement. And what's worse, everyone around would think that it must the the exW who really got on his nerves, as that's how it would be presented. So he would retain the same friends circle, the same home and the exW who had no clue would be all f...d up

The same with jobs: these people tend to dump business partners, steal equity from companies, change jobs often to climb up etc.

I do think that living with a cheating spouse is very dangerous for your own well being, in a sense that if you don't know about it you are not able to plan accordingly for a future single life. I would have done different financial and child rearing decisions if I knew about a prolonged cheating behind my back

Of course when it's an open marriage and the wife told him she didn't care it's a different story. But as you an see from PPs, they stay primarily for financial reasons not "loyalty"

Ha. Men don't have exit affairs like that. The women they cheat with are not ones they marry 98% of the time. Once their wife leaves them or refuses to reconcile they lick their wounds and then go on a screwing/dating spree and most will say they would never marry a cheater, i.e., the OW. They don't trust her, nor do they think she's 'marriage material'. They aren't lining up a new partner during marriage because they don't need someone to support them. Their affairs tend to be about sex, not love. They can throw her under the bus without a second thought when the chips are down.

[Anonymous]

No because my ex would never stop. Now he can try to seduce other people's wives and it's such a relief that he is not. my. problem. Our friendship/co-parenting has improve immensely because I don't care what (or who) he does anymore.

I think he regrets it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:people are only as loyal as their options. The reason why most of people on here leave is because they can’t afford to get a divorce. One of the reasons why UMC people have low divorce rates is because if they do divorce there lifestyle takes a hit. Especially for women who are stay at home moms. They won’t be able to afford the neighborhood they live in on their income alone.

Again, people are only as loyal as their options.

Speak for yourself.

Loyalty is a prosocial value upon which the fabric of society is built. It's a survival instinct to want to remain on good terms with our tribe. Many people have strong values and don't operate simply on whim and self-interest. Of course, there are those that do (you, apparently), but they're at the far end of the bell curve.

What a BS about loyalty ! The reason why cheaters lead double life is because it allows them to take advantage over both spouse and AP. People who step over dead bodies to get ahead in life usually do succeed, unfortunately. Because others operate by rules and they take advantage of these rules. That’s the reality.

I don't see any value in "getting ahead" if I don't have true bonds with others. To me, getting ahead is being a good person who loves and is loved. People who take advantage may have material success, but not the kind that really counts.

Narcissists are a subset of the population. Remember we're talking maybe 1 in 10 people. Of course, among cheaters it's going to be a higher percentage. But people aren't narcissists just because they have a Y chromosome.

You have to remember that prosocial people tend to come together for common causes . . . they're in faith communities, they're on non-profit boards, they're doing neighborhood clean-ups. If you don't know people like this, it's probably because you don't self-select to be part of communitarian groups. Likewise, Machiavellian people tend to participate in activities that are all about pleasure and gaining power.

Thats you. But men don't think like that. They are able to develop and break bonds way faster than women. IMHO. The advantage of cheating is obvious: he's able to plan his life way ahead without the wife or kids in the picture, secure a new partner that he like while stringing the wife along for the sake of kids care, image, finances etc. When time comes he strikes and leaves at the top of real estate market, at the top of his earning capacity, with a new partner he sexually enjoys, gets rid of kids and is in his narcissic mind fully set for retirement. And what's worse, everyone around would think that it must the the exW who really got on his nerves, as that's how it would be presented. So he would retain the same friends circle, the same home and the exW who had no clue would be all f...d up

The same with jobs: these people tend to dump business partners, steal equity from companies, change jobs often to climb up etc.

I do think that living with a cheating spouse is very dangerous for your own well being, in a sense that if you don't know about it you are not able to plan accordingly for a future single life. I would have done different financial and child rearing decisions if I knew about a prolonged cheating behind my back

Of course when it's an open marriage and the wife told him she didn't care it's a different story. But as you an see from PPs, they stay primarily for financial reasons not "loyalty"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you can find a way to be cordial and never have sex with the person again and live somewhat separately the way these no-sex marriages work that is safe and respectable if not fulfilling, it could maybe work out at least till the kids are out of the house. Have a new set of rules to follow about the marriage that both of you agree to and adhere to. I can't imagine living in fear or living a lie is healthy for anyone and it's rubbish to believe that someone cheating on you especially repeatedly actually still loves you. I think a lot of women miss the money but not the man if you are asking strictly about women.

Keep in mind "no-sex marriage" means that he continues to sleep with his AP.

Obviously, but who cares? If you decide you don’t wanna have sex with them again but you’re staying married because of the marriage it doesn’t matter. I think people really can’t understand they can actually decide they will never have sex with their husbands again and then they don’t care if they’re sleeping with anybody else. That’s actually a good thing because then he’s not going to bother his wife anymore he doesn’t want to be with him. I had a no sex marriage seriously because I couldn’t stand him and I was staying because of the kids for the longest time but we still ended up divorced but I full out told him I didn’t care if he slept with anybody else. I was never sleeping with him again. I did not want to be married but I was trapped geographically and I had to stay and eventually I was able to leave because I am moving to the right location but it took almost a decade. He did not have a mistress but I told him he could have one and I wouldn’t divorce him over cheating but I would divorce him over being a jerk and eventually I did. (Low T). The point is if a woman decides she’s done having sex with her husband she doesn’t really care if he’s having sex with his AP.

Agree with you 100%. And yet there are plenty (most?) on this forum who genuinely think a "sexless marriage" means the man remains celibate! Though I question if your husband did have a mistress, perhaps he was one of those rare low T guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:people are only as loyal as their options. The reason why most of people on here leave is because they can’t afford to get a divorce. One of the reasons why UMC people have low divorce rates is because if they do divorce there lifestyle takes a hit. Especially for women who are stay at home moms. They won’t be able to afford the neighborhood they live in on their income alone.

Again, people are only as loyal as their options.

Speak for yourself.

Loyalty is a prosocial value upon which the fabric of society is built. It's a survival instinct to want to remain on good terms with our tribe. Many people have strong values and don't operate simply on whim and self-interest. Of course, there are those that do (you, apparently), but they're at the far end of the bell curve.

Traditionally marital loyalty for men did not necessarily extend to sexual loyalty. "Wife" is primarily a status and a title, not necessarily a marker for permanent and sole sex partner. Men can and do sleep with other women - the wife is the public partner, co-owner of assets, mother of children, member of family. In a man's mind, these things are not threatened by semisecret sex with others because he does not plan to elevate them to the status of a wife.

[Anonymous]

A lot of y'all have antiquated views about men stepping out and women staying celibate. That is absolutely not the case in today's world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:people are only as loyal as their options. The reason why most of people on here leave is because they can’t afford to get a divorce. One of the reasons why UMC people have low divorce rates is because if they do divorce there lifestyle takes a hit. Especially for women who are stay at home moms. They won’t be able to afford the neighborhood they live in on their income alone.

Again, people are only as loyal as their options.

Speak for yourself.

Loyalty is a prosocial value upon which the fabric of society is built. It's a survival instinct to want to remain on good terms with our tribe. Many people have strong values and don't operate simply on whim and self-interest. Of course, there are those that do (you, apparently), but they're at the far end of the bell curve.

Traditionally marital loyalty for men did not necessarily extend to sexual loyalty. "Wife" is primarily a status and a title, not necessarily a marker for permanent and sole sex partner. Men can and do sleep with other women - the wife is the public partner, co-owner of assets, mother of children, member of family. In a man's mind, these things are not threatened by semisecret sex with others because he does not plan to elevate them to the status of a wife.

Are you talking about European culture in the last millennium? Obviously this is the sort of thing that varies all over the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:people are only as loyal as their options. The reason why most of people on here leave is because they can’t afford to get a divorce. One of the reasons why UMC people have low divorce rates is because if they do divorce there lifestyle takes a hit. Especially for women who are stay at home moms. They won’t be able to afford the neighborhood they live in on their income alone.

Again, people are only as loyal as their options.

Speak for yourself.

Loyalty is a prosocial value upon which the fabric of society is built. It's a survival instinct to want to remain on good terms with our tribe. Many people have strong values and don't operate simply on whim and self-interest. Of course, there are those that do (you, apparently), but they're at the far end of the bell curve.

Traditionally marital loyalty for men did not necessarily extend to sexual loyalty. "Wife" is primarily a status and a title, not necessarily a marker for permanent and sole sex partner. Men can and do sleep with other women - the wife is the public partner, co-owner of assets, mother of children, member of family. In a man's mind, these things are not threatened by semisecret sex with others because he does not plan to elevate them to the status of a wife.

All I know is not all men are like this and need this but it seems many are. More than I thought there were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: A lot of y'all have antiquated views about men stepping out and women staying celibate. That is absolutely not the case in today's world.

Yes, we know women cheat, but typically they are less able to “compartmentalize” and prefer sex in the context of some sort of relationship. Women don’t frequent prostitutes or strip clubs. I am guessing very few are having sex with the pool boy. They want someone who is husband material, even if they have no plans to leave their marriage.

[Anonymous]

No. I'm better off now. But that doesn't mean that's always going to be the case. Such is life.