Has anyone regretted leaving over infidelity?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:There are quite a few who come out of it with a much better marriage. I stayed and we are very happy. We always had an active sex life and still do. I guess the type of cheating matters, the circumstances and the quality/love/happiness of the marriage prior to cheating. We lost ourselves in the kid heavy years and both carried some unexpressed resentment had communication issues—it was largely a byproduct of kids taking all our focus and the different ways we dealt with that. Spouse was deeply, deeply remorseful and did a ton of work and still lists it as his biggest regret in life. I’m not sure we would have addressed our issues and just kept chugging along growing more dissatisfied if the infidelity hadn’t cracked everything wide open. I would never want anyone to go through that because it is absolutely brutal, but we have a beautiful family and are very happy and I’m glad I ultimately didn’t leave. Of it happens again, I would leave and that is known as well as ways to communicate clearly if one of us is unhappy.

I know many marriages where there is no known cheating that are absolutely miserable and they basically live their own lives at empty nest. And many of these are the ones that judge others for their choices about staying in a happy marriage with great compatibility that happened to have infidelity at some point. There is a lot of harsh judgement for spouses that choose to stay. I saw an interview when Beyonce was discussing this with another celeb who had also chosen to work on the marriage. It's 2022, there is choice and lots of options. And nobody knows what goes on in anyone else's marriage. IT's like the 'victims' are 'revictimized' by public opinion and that doesn't even include the 'she must have not been putting or been a nag' or all the other BS they like to lay the blame on women for...and most often from other women!

You don't know if there is cheating or if there are other abuses going on. This would be the business set up which can be done if there isn't a lot of further abuse.

True. But I'd take the happier, compatible intimate couple that went through infidelity than the business like ones that can't stand each other and have nothing in common any day! Of course the former with zero infidelity is the dream, but with cheating rates reported as up to 60% on some surveys it's less realistic in a 50+year marriage.

I am in a sexless, roommate type marriage but we are amicable and I would trade it for a marriage that saw infidelity but worked through it and had passion again.

Cheating is only one of many ways you can hurt a marriage. Being rendered sexless is way worse in my opinion

I was also in a mostly sexless roommate marriage that was amicable. We had grown apart and were living separate lives but I was sad, and deep down always hoped something would change. After about 10 years of this way of life, he confessed he had had an affair a couple of years back but had ended it a while ago. I was devastated and he seemed genuinely surprised I cared that much. I felt so betrayed even though our marriage had been broken. As horrible as this was, it brought us to a point where everything was out in the open and we really communicated for the first time in a decade. There were many painful discussions, but we came to remember the things we loved about each other in the first place. Passion returned and we now have the relationship I was missing. The infidelity will always hurt, and it is a challenge for me to put those thoughts aside sometimes. But without that infidelity, we would have continued on the roommate path that neither of us wanted. While my initial instinct was to kick him out when I found out about the affair, I am glad that I gave myself time to process it and work through some very complicated feelings

It never ceases to amaze me just how many "sexless room mates" stories there are .... followed by her being "devastated" when she finds out he has been cheating. I mean hello?!? Did you just arrive here on planet earth? Pro tip: if he isn't having sex with you, he is definitely getting it elsewhere. Most married men do not even consider this "cheating" when the marriage is basically sexless. It is just survival, his way of saving the marriage.

Have you ever considered that the lack of sex was a two way street? Your response reads as if the guy was the victim of his wife denying him sex. A sexless marriage is a two way street. Anyone who has been on this planet for a while should understand every relationship is different. And they should thank God they aren’t in a relationship with a misogynistic like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are quite a few who come out of it with a much better marriage. I stayed and we are very happy. We always had an active sex life and still do. I guess the type of cheating matters, the circumstances and the quality/love/happiness of the marriage prior to cheating. We lost ourselves in the kid heavy years and both carried some unexpressed resentment had communication issues—it was largely a byproduct of kids taking all our focus and the different ways we dealt with that. Spouse was deeply, deeply remorseful and did a ton of work and still lists it as his biggest regret in life. I’m not sure we would have addressed our issues and just kept chugging along growing more dissatisfied if the infidelity hadn’t cracked everything wide open. I would never want anyone to go through that because it is absolutely brutal, but we have a beautiful family and are very happy and I’m glad I ultimately didn’t leave. Of it happens again, I would leave and that is known as well as ways to communicate clearly if one of us is unhappy.

I know many marriages where there is no known cheating that are absolutely miserable and they basically live their own lives at empty nest. And many of these are the ones that judge others for their choices about staying in a happy marriage with great compatibility that happened to have infidelity at some point. There is a lot of harsh judgement for spouses that choose to stay. I saw an interview when Beyonce was discussing this with another celeb who had also chosen to work on the marriage. It's 2022, there is choice and lots of options. And nobody knows what goes on in anyone else's marriage. IT's like the 'victims' are 'revictimized' by public opinion and that doesn't even include the 'she must have not been putting or been a nag' or all the other BS they like to lay the blame on women for...and most often from other women!

You don't know if there is cheating or if there are other abuses going on. This would be the business set up which can be done if there isn't a lot of further abuse.

True. But I'd take the happier, compatible intimate couple that went through infidelity than the business like ones that can't stand each other and have nothing in common any day! Of course the former with zero infidelity is the dream, but with cheating rates reported as up to 60% on some surveys it's less realistic in a 50+year marriage.

I am in a sexless, roommate type marriage but we are amicable and I would trade it for a marriage that saw infidelity but worked through it and had passion again.

Cheating is only one of many ways you can hurt a marriage. Being rendered sexless is way worse in my opinion

I got the best of both. H didn’t want sex with me so I was sexless AND he cheated on me.

Called up my smoking hot male friend after I found out. There’s no sex like revenge sex.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:people are only as loyal as their options. The reason why most of people on here leave is because they can’t afford to get a divorce. One of the reasons why UMC people have low divorce rates is because if they do divorce there lifestyle takes a hit. Especially for women who are stay at home moms. They won’t be able to afford the neighborhood they live in on their income alone.

Again, people are only as loyal as their options.

Speak for yourself.

Loyalty is a prosocial value upon which the fabric of society is built. It's a survival instinct to want to remain on good terms with our tribe. Many people have strong values and don't operate simply on whim and self-interest. Of course, there are those that do (you, apparently), but they're at the far end of the bell curve.

What a BS about loyalty ! The reason why cheaters lead double life is because it allows them to take advantage over both spouse and AP. People who step over dead bodies to get ahead in life usually do succeed, unfortunately. Because others operate by rules and they take advantage of these rules. That’s the reality.

I don't see any value in "getting ahead" if I don't have true bonds with others. To me, getting ahead is being a good person who loves and is loved. People who take advantage may have material success, but not the kind that really counts.

Thats you. But men don't think like that. They are able to develop and break bonds way faster than women. IMHO. The advantage of cheating is obvious: he's able to plan his life way ahead without the wife or kids in the picture, secure a new partner that he like while stringing the wife along for the sake of kids care, image, finances etc. When time comes he strikes and leaves at the top of real estate market, at the top of his earning capacity, with a new partner he sexually enjoys, gets rid of kids and is in his narcissic mind fully set for retirement. And what's worse, everyone around would think that it must the the exW who really got on his nerves, as that's how it would be presented. So he would retain the same friends circle, the same home and the exW who had no clue would be all f...d up

The same with jobs: these people tend to dump business partners, steal equity from companies, change jobs often to climb up etc.

I do think that living with a cheating spouse is very dangerous for your own well being, in a sense that if you don't know about it you are not able to plan accordingly for a future single life. I would have done different financial and child rearing decisions if I knew about a prolonged cheating behind my back

Of course when it's an open marriage and the wife told him she didn't care it's a different story. But as you an see from PPs, they stay primarily for financial reasons not "loyalty"

Ha. Men don't have exit affairs like that. The women they cheat with are not ones they marry 98% of the time. Once their wife leaves them or refuses to reconcile they lick their wounds and then go on a screwing/dating spree and most will say they would never marry a cheater, i.e., the OW. They don't trust her, nor do they think she's 'marriage material'. They aren't lining up a new partner during marriage because they don't need someone to support them. Their affairs tend to be about sex, not love. They can throw her under the bus without a second thought when the chips are down.

You're wrong: they absolutely cheat like that. Maybe the indeed end up not marrying AP but in terms of timing their exit from marriage cheaters do a way better job than their spouses. That's the main reason to cheat: taking economic advantage of the wife, time his exit and yet maintain his reputation. Many indeed remain single after divorce or remarry to a different partner. But men divorce when they are on top financially, when it's a man's initiated divorce

Men who are on top financially are going to pay a lot of child support and alimony. Being well off financially is often a deterrent, not a catalyst, for divorce.

You are totally wrong: the CS and alimony they end up paying is well less than depositing their full paycheck to a joint account. And it's a way better deal to divorce and split assets for any man who makes over 500k and just enjoy life. of course if we are talking about regular federal workers that's a different story

OP, what makes your points less than salient is your absolutism. I said "often." You keep making declarative statements that, if a person can find one example to the contrary, are proved false.

For example, you've completely neglected to factor in maintaining two households versus one. So your statement is just silly, as well as your blind confidence in your always being right.

This burden of maintaining a separate household falls mostly on a lower paid spouse after divorce/a woman. My example when he made 400K and I made 200K is very simple. Of course it was economically better off for me when my exH was depositing 400K and I was depositing 200K to joint account (600K in total). Let's say, we spent 200K in annual expenses for one household, so we are saving 400K for 2 persons/200K each in savings/assets, right?

He retained that same house and spends now the same 200K on his household or even less as he pays $1300 CS to me instead of spending $4000 in unlimited child expenses when married. He still has 200K left for himself. But I have a smaller house, and my total annual income is now 200K plus his $1300/month CS. I am left with 70K annual savings after all my expenses. My future savings rate, my lifestyle changed a lot, whereby his didn't at all.

There is a lot of research showing that burden of divorce is always shifted to lower paid spouse. Alimony and CS would never make up for the lost lifestyle. Thus women tend to tolerate adultery and other forms of spousal abuse as long as it's tolerable

this.

i hate that so many women are fighting against wisdom and harsh truths in this thread.

[Anonymous]

I regretted not leaving sooner.