Has anyone regretted leaving over infidelity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are quite a few who come out of it with a much better marriage. I stayed and we are very happy. We always had an active sex life and still do. I guess the type of cheating matters, the circumstances and the quality/love/happiness of the marriage prior to cheating. We lost ourselves in the kid heavy years and both carried some unexpressed resentment had communication issues—it was largely a byproduct of kids taking all our focus and the different ways we dealt with that. Spouse was deeply, deeply remorseful and did a ton of work and still lists it as his biggest regret in life. I’m not sure we would have addressed our issues and just kept chugging along growing more dissatisfied if the infidelity hadn’t cracked everything wide open. I would never want anyone to go through that because it is absolutely brutal, but we have a beautiful family and are very happy and I’m glad I ultimately didn’t leave. Of it happens again, I would leave and that is known as well as ways to communicate clearly if one of us is unhappy.

This is similar to my experience.

+1 me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are quite a few who come out of it with a much better marriage. I stayed and we are very happy. We always had an active sex life and still do. I guess the type of cheating matters, the circumstances and the quality/love/happiness of the marriage prior to cheating. We lost ourselves in the kid heavy years and both carried some unexpressed resentment had communication issues—it was largely a byproduct of kids taking all our focus and the different ways we dealt with that. Spouse was deeply, deeply remorseful and did a ton of work and still lists it as his biggest regret in life. I’m not sure we would have addressed our issues and just kept chugging along growing more dissatisfied if the infidelity hadn’t cracked everything wide open. I would never want anyone to go through that because it is absolutely brutal, but we have a beautiful family and are very happy and I’m glad I ultimately didn’t leave. Of it happens again, I would leave and that is known as well as ways to communicate clearly if one of us is unhappy.

I know many marriages where there is no known cheating that are absolutely miserable and they basically live their own lives at empty nest. And many of these are the ones that judge others for their choices about staying in a happy marriage with great compatibility that happened to have infidelity at some point. There is a lot of harsh judgement for spouses that choose to stay. I saw an interview when Beyonce was discussing this with another celeb who had also chosen to work on the marriage. It's 2022, there is choice and lots of options. And nobody knows what goes on in anyone else's marriage. IT's like the 'victims' are 'revictimized' by public opinion and that doesn't even include the 'she must have not been putting or been a nag' or all the other BS they like to lay the blame on women for...and most often from other women!

You don't know if there is cheating or if there are other abuses going on. This would be the business set up which can be done if there isn't a lot of further abuse.

True. But I'd take the happier, compatible intimate couple that went through infidelity than the business like ones that can't stand each other and have nothing in common any day! Of course the former with zero infidelity is the dream, but with cheating rates reported as up to 60% on some surveys it's less realistic in a 50+year marriage.

You act like it's an either or. It's up to the cheater often how the marriage goes after the cheating. The options to the non-cheating partner aren't these options. They are leave and regret it or work on the marriage if the other person wants to fix themselves or the options are live a businesslike relationship or leave and never regret it. See in the first scenario there is actually something to lose. In the second there really isn't. It's just about trading one hardship for another.

[Anonymous]

There is terrible judgment from other women toward women who opted to stay in their marriages after infidelity. Accusations of low self-esteem, insecurity, no self-respect, the tirades of "well I could NEVER do it or give this example to my children, I am so much better than this, I operate on a different plane" blah blah blah. It's really quite childish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Presumably most people stand by whatever decision they made, whether to stay or go, after learning of their spouse's infidelity. But I wonder whether any who left now think they acted rashly and wish they had just looked the other way.

I just always thought cheating was a dealbreaker, but I've been surprised by how many examples I've read on here of people choosing to stay. And if you still love the cheater (even if you shouldn't) and love having an intact family unit, why should you have to lose that for someone else's misdeeds? People say "so you can find someone who deserves you," but how many middle-aged women with kids find a second great love?

So are there some folks on here who took a principled stance and now secretly wonder whether they are really better off for it?

One of my friends regretted handing over her husband to the other woman who practically manipulated and trapped him, instead of fighting for their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are quite a few who come out of it with a much better marriage. I stayed and we are very happy. We always had an active sex life and still do. I guess the type of cheating matters, the circumstances and the quality/love/happiness of the marriage prior to cheating. We lost ourselves in the kid heavy years and both carried some unexpressed resentment had communication issues—it was largely a byproduct of kids taking all our focus and the different ways we dealt with that. Spouse was deeply, deeply remorseful and did a ton of work and still lists it as his biggest regret in life. I’m not sure we would have addressed our issues and just kept chugging along growing more dissatisfied if the infidelity hadn’t cracked everything wide open. I would never want anyone to go through that because it is absolutely brutal, but we have a beautiful family and are very happy and I’m glad I ultimately didn’t leave. Of it happens again, I would leave and that is known as well as ways to communicate clearly if one of us is unhappy.

I know many marriages where there is no known cheating that are absolutely miserable and they basically live their own lives at empty nest. And many of these are the ones that judge others for their choices about staying in a happy marriage with great compatibility that happened to have infidelity at some point. There is a lot of harsh judgement for spouses that choose to stay. I saw an interview when Beyonce was discussing this with another celeb who had also chosen to work on the marriage. It's 2022, there is choice and lots of options. And nobody knows what goes on in anyone else's marriage. IT's like the 'victims' are 'revictimized' by public opinion and that doesn't even include the 'she must have not been putting or been a nag' or all the other BS they like to lay the blame on women for...and most often from other women!

You don't know if there is cheating or if there are other abuses going on. This would be the business set up which can be done if there isn't a lot of further abuse.

True. But I'd take the happier, compatible intimate couple that went through infidelity than the business like ones that can't stand each other and have nothing in common any day! Of course the former with zero infidelity is the dream, but with cheating rates reported as up to 60% on some surveys it's less realistic in a 50+year marriage.

You act like it's an either or. It's up to the cheater often how the marriage goes after the cheating. The options to the non-cheating partner aren't these options. They are leave and regret it or work on the marriage if the other person wants to fix themselves or the options are live a businesslike relationship or leave and never regret it. See in the first scenario there is actually something to lose. In the second there really isn't. It's just about trading one hardship for another.

You are fixated that all cheaters are the same and have the same motivations. They aren’t. It is an option when the person is a good person. You are correct it’s not an option for some because they didn’t have a good relationship and the cheater doesn’t do the work or care to. Not every situation is the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably most people stand by whatever decision they made, whether to stay or go, after learning of their spouse's infidelity. But I wonder whether any who left now think they acted rashly and wish they had just looked the other way.

I just always thought cheating was a dealbreaker, but I've been surprised by how many examples I've read on here of people choosing to stay. And if you still love the cheater (even if you shouldn't) and love having an intact family unit, why should you have to lose that for someone else's misdeeds? People say "so you can find someone who deserves you," but how many middle-aged women with kids find a second great love?

So are there some folks on here who took a principled stance and now secretly wonder whether they are really better off for it?

One of my friends regretted handing over her husband to the other woman who practically manipulated and trapped him, instead of fighting for their family.

I have to point out the obvious, which is that her husband is an autonomous adult. It wasn't up to the wife or the mistress to decide if he would stay or go (unless he wanted to stay and the wife wanted him to go, of course).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is terrible judgment from other women toward women who opted to stay in their marriages after infidelity. Accusations of low self-esteem, insecurity, no self-respect, the tirades of "well I could NEVER do it or give this example to my children, I am so much better than this, I operate on a different plane" blah blah blah. It's really quite childish.

My best friend is the smartest most accomplished, take no BS woman and she chose to stay. I’m good friends with both and without a doubt it was the right decision. It wasn’t taken lightly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are quite a few who come out of it with a much better marriage. I stayed and we are very happy. We always had an active sex life and still do. I guess the type of cheating matters, the circumstances and the quality/love/happiness of the marriage prior to cheating. We lost ourselves in the kid heavy years and both carried some unexpressed resentment had communication issues—it was largely a byproduct of kids taking all our focus and the different ways we dealt with that. Spouse was deeply, deeply remorseful and did a ton of work and still lists it as his biggest regret in life. I’m not sure we would have addressed our issues and just kept chugging along growing more dissatisfied if the infidelity hadn’t cracked everything wide open. I would never want anyone to go through that because it is absolutely brutal, but we have a beautiful family and are very happy and I’m glad I ultimately didn’t leave. Of it happens again, I would leave and that is known as well as ways to communicate clearly if one of us is unhappy.

I know many marriages where there is no known cheating that are absolutely miserable and they basically live their own lives at empty nest. And many of these are the ones that judge others for their choices about staying in a happy marriage with great compatibility that happened to have infidelity at some point. There is a lot of harsh judgement for spouses that choose to stay. I saw an interview when Beyonce was discussing this with another celeb who had also chosen to work on the marriage. It's 2022, there is choice and lots of options. And nobody knows what goes on in anyone else's marriage. IT's like the 'victims' are 'revictimized' by public opinion and that doesn't even include the 'she must have not been putting or been a nag' or all the other BS they like to lay the blame on women for...and most often from other women!

You don't know if there is cheating or if there are other abuses going on. This would be the business set up which can be done if there isn't a lot of further abuse.

True. But I'd take the happier, compatible intimate couple that went through infidelity than the business like ones that can't stand each other and have nothing in common any day! Of course the former with zero infidelity is the dream, but with cheating rates reported as up to 60% on some surveys it's less realistic in a 50+year marriage.

You act like it's an either or. It's up to the cheater often how the marriage goes after the cheating. The options to the non-cheating partner aren't these options. They are leave and regret it or work on the marriage if the other person wants to fix themselves or the options are live a businesslike relationship or leave and never regret it. See in the first scenario there is actually something to lose. In the second there really isn't. It's just about trading one hardship for another.

You are fixated that all cheaters are the same and have the same motivations. They aren’t. It is an option when the person is a good person. You are correct it’s not an option for some because they didn’t have a good relationship and the cheater doesn’t do the work or care to. Not every situation is the same.

Can you not read that I gave two different scenarios where the cheater was a different person and then given each option the non cheater has at least two options to choose from but he/she can't change the cheating spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is terrible judgment from other women toward women who opted to stay in their marriages after infidelity. Accusations of low self-esteem, insecurity, no self-respect, the tirades of "well I could NEVER do it or give this example to my children, I am so much better than this, I operate on a different plane" blah blah blah. It's really quite childish.

I think you are reading some forum board in your mind rather than this one. None of your accusations at posters exist here. It's all some projection in your mind.

[Anonymous]

To add on, I think it's childish to call out people doing things in your mind and not in reality. For some reason, you are fixated on this whether you are a woman or man and it's your problem to deal with why you are ignoring the actual posters here and harping on some imagined affront.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are quite a few who come out of it with a much better marriage. I stayed and we are very happy. We always had an active sex life and still do. I guess the type of cheating matters, the circumstances and the quality/love/happiness of the marriage prior to cheating. We lost ourselves in the kid heavy years and both carried some unexpressed resentment had communication issues—it was largely a byproduct of kids taking all our focus and the different ways we dealt with that. Spouse was deeply, deeply remorseful and did a ton of work and still lists it as his biggest regret in life. I’m not sure we would have addressed our issues and just kept chugging along growing more dissatisfied if the infidelity hadn’t cracked everything wide open. I would never want anyone to go through that because it is absolutely brutal, but we have a beautiful family and are very happy and I’m glad I ultimately didn’t leave. Of it happens again, I would leave and that is known as well as ways to communicate clearly if one of us is unhappy.

How did you start the healing (?) process and how long did it take for the relationship to turn around (to start even slightly for the better of couple/family)? I was just told that one of my sibling is going through this right at this moment (brother-in-law may have started to see other woman)... I just could not come up with any good word to console her. From the way I (and even my husband) see it is that the brother-in-law has been sending multiple cues to her over the last few years that he is unhappy in the current situation (as a couple, first) and she flat out ignored those cues, believing relationship between them is smooth as before. There was no abuse or anything to speak of from either side but we know that what brother-in-law went through, especially during COVID, was mentally tough (I cannot blame him cuz we even felt what she did was unfair to him, no infidelity just emotional damage) and my sibling is now faced with the consequences.

As a woman, I sympathize with my sibling for living in a constant fear of losing him (so she thinks) and made to watch how he is becoming an untrustworthy spouse, but at the same time I do sympathize my brother-in-law for putting up with my sibling for the longest time we could remember. Of course, my sibling deeply regrets her actions and wants to work out the relationship with him.

This is the very first time the brother-in-law is behaving like this (first offense, sort of speak). And, we believe he is in the "honeymoon" period right now. I don't think initialing couples therapy and all that is useless at this particular timing because it just goes to a deaf ear and is one-way.

What would you suggest? I feel both sides of pain...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
How did you start the healing (?) process and how long did it take for the relationship to turn around (to start even slightly for the better of couple/family)? I was just told that one of my sibling is going through this right at this moment (brother-in-law may have started to see other woman)... I just could not come up with any good word to console her. From the way I (and even my husband) see it is that the brother-in-law has been sending multiple cues to her over the last few years that he is unhappy in the current situation (as a couple, first) and she flat out ignored those cues, believing relationship between them is smooth as before. There was no abuse or anything to speak of from either side but we know that what brother-in-law went through, especially during COVID, was mentally tough (I cannot blame him cuz we even felt what she did was unfair to him, no infidelity just emotional damage) and my sibling is now faced with the consequences.

As a woman, I sympathize with my sibling for living in a constant fear of losing him (so she thinks) and made to watch how he is becoming an untrustworthy spouse, but at the same time I do sympathize my brother-in-law for putting up with my sibling for the longest time we could remember. Of course, my sibling deeply regrets her actions and wants to work out the relationship with him.

This is the very first time the brother-in-law is behaving like this (first offense, sort of speak). And, we believe he is in the "honeymoon" period right now. I don't think initialing couples therapy and all that is useless at this particular timing because it just goes to a deaf ear and is one-way.

What would you suggest? I feel both sides of pain...

Brother-in-law stopped wearing his wedding band.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is terrible judgment from other women toward women who opted to stay in their marriages after infidelity. Accusations of low self-esteem, insecurity, no self-respect, the tirades of "well I could NEVER do it or give this example to my children, I am so much better than this, I operate on a different plane" blah blah blah. It's really quite childish.

I think you are reading some forum board in your mind rather than this one. None of your accusations at posters exist here. It's all some projection in your mind.

OP here. That happens all the time. I'm guilty of it in the past myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How did you start the healing (?) process and how long did it take for the relationship to turn around (to start even slightly for the better of couple/family)? I was just told that one of my sibling is going through this right at this moment (brother-in-law may have started to see other woman)... I just could not come up with any good word to console her. From the way I (and even my husband) see it is that the brother-in-law has been sending multiple cues to her over the last few years that he is unhappy in the current situation (as a couple, first) and she flat out ignored those cues, believing relationship between them is smooth as before. There was no abuse or anything to speak of from either side but we know that what brother-in-law went through, especially during COVID, was mentally tough (I cannot blame him cuz we even felt what she did was unfair to him, no infidelity just emotional damage) and my sibling is now faced with the consequences.

As a woman, I sympathize with my sibling for living in a constant fear of losing him (so she thinks) and made to watch how he is becoming an untrustworthy spouse, but at the same time I do sympathize my brother-in-law for putting up with my sibling for the longest time we could remember. Of course, my sibling deeply regrets her actions and wants to work out the relationship with him.

This is the very first time the brother-in-law is behaving like this (first offense, sort of speak). And, we believe he is in the "honeymoon" period right now. I don't think initialing couples therapy and all that is useless at this particular timing because it just goes to a deaf ear and is one-way.

What would you suggest? I feel both sides of pain...

Brother-in-law stopped wearing his wedding band.

I would tell her to set boundaries and work on what she can and support her either way. A lot of people say give it a year and focus on yourself and just improving yourself ideally in the way that your spouse has called you out on. I don’t support cheating no matter what but perhaps marriage isn’t an option if he’s not into it for many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are quite a few who come out of it with a much better marriage. I stayed and we are very happy. We always had an active sex life and still do. I guess the type of cheating matters, the circumstances and the quality/love/happiness of the marriage prior to cheating. We lost ourselves in the kid heavy years and both carried some unexpressed resentment had communication issues—it was largely a byproduct of kids taking all our focus and the different ways we dealt with that. Spouse was deeply, deeply remorseful and did a ton of work and still lists it as his biggest regret in life. I’m not sure we would have addressed our issues and just kept chugging along growing more dissatisfied if the infidelity hadn’t cracked everything wide open. I would never want anyone to go through that because it is absolutely brutal, but we have a beautiful family and are very happy and I’m glad I ultimately didn’t leave. Of it happens again, I would leave and that is known as well as ways to communicate clearly if one of us is unhappy.

How did you start the healing (?) process and how long did it take for the relationship to turn around (to start even slightly for the better of couple/family)? I was just told that one of my sibling is going through this right at this moment (brother-in-law may have started to see other woman)... I just could not come up with any good word to console her. From the way I (and even my husband) see it is that the brother-in-law has been sending multiple cues to her over the last few years that he is unhappy in the current situation (as a couple, first) and she flat out ignored those cues, believing relationship between them is smooth as before. There was no abuse or anything to speak of from either side but we know that what brother-in-law went through, especially during COVID, was mentally tough (I cannot blame him cuz we even felt what she did was unfair to him, no infidelity just emotional damage) and my sibling is now faced with the consequences.

As a woman, I sympathize with my sibling for living in a constant fear of losing him (so she thinks) and made to watch how he is becoming an untrustworthy spouse, but at the same time I do sympathize my brother-in-law for putting up with my sibling for the longest time we could remember. Of course, my sibling deeply regrets her actions and wants to work out the relationship with him.

This is the very first time the brother-in-law is behaving like this (first offense, sort of speak). And, we believe he is in the "honeymoon" period right now. I don't think initialing couples therapy and all that is useless at this particular timing because it just goes to a deaf ear and is one-way.

What would you suggest? I feel both sides of pain...

I don’t even know wth your sister did that was “awful”. She was busy with life and kids (and maybe work) and he never said “her just so you know I’m not happy and planning to cheat?” I think I wouldn’t say any of that to your sister because you truly have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. My golden boy ex to everyone was horribly emotionally abusive and critical at home, but am angel and great guy outside of the house. You also don’t know if she dealt with his infidelity prior and that’s causing resentment over the years.

Be supportive but reserve judgment, you just don’t know and it’s not your place.