How do you stay neutral when spouse gets locked in power struggle with tween?

[Anonymous]

The long game is helping spouse develop a better understanding of the tween psyche and better communication skills to minimize conflict. In the moment though, spouse is feeling not only unsupported by me but senses my active disapproval. I know we need to be on the same page, but at the same time, my body instantly tenses and I put on a dumb, I’m not getting involved in this, look, which spouse believes is a validation of kids position and leaves him out hanging to dry. Thoughts? If I were quicker thinking I’d try to defuse but I just can’t.

[Anonymous]

Things I've said:

-I feel like kid really responds well to a positive parenting approach. I read the book the school counselor recommended (how to talk so kids will listen) and I feel like when I use the techniques in the book, the kid behaves so much better.

-Dr J (kid's therapist) has told us a few times that this behavior is developmentally normal and in the moment we should be working on de-escalating.

-I understand that you want me to back you up. Respectfully, I think you escalated the conflict in an unnecessary way. I think that after the kid slammed the door, you should have said "let's take a break" and stepped away until you were both calm. Me stepping into the fight would have only made it worse.

-I think she needs to see you modeling the behavior you want to see.

How much of this is getting through? Very little.

[Anonymous]

I absolutely step in and almost take on a therapist role. I ask tween to explain to DH what he is thinking and why. I ask DH to do the same to tween. I come up with a solution and ask each side if they would be okay with it.

After a while of modeling that, they both got better at communicating instead of just shouting “I want to!” “I said no!” at each other for an hour.

[Anonymous]

My spouse does this, and I refuse to escalate by "supporting" him the way he wants. He wants to pick a dumb fight, he can handle himself. I walk away, since he just gets pissed if I say anything. He gets pissed if I don't "back him up," too, but the amount of conflict overall is reduced and I'm not blowing up my own relationship with my kid, so it's the lesser of two evils.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't stay neutral. Spouse needs coping skills and parenting skills cannot be in a power struggle with their child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't stay neutral. Spouse needs coping skills and parenting skills cannot be in a power struggle with their child

What if the spouse has access to many resources that could help, but chooses not to use them and feels attacked when the other parent steps in because the only thing they really want is for the other parent to say "Show your father more respect. You're grounded!" [I'm not the OP]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't stay neutral. Spouse needs coping skills and parenting skills cannot be in a power struggle with their child

What if the spouse has access to many resources that could help, but chooses not to use them and feels attacked when the other parent steps in because the only thing they really want is for the other parent to say "Show your father more respect. You're grounded!" [I'm not the OP]

DP. I interrupt my spouse and ask to speak with him in a different room. Yes, it pisses my DH off but my primary responsibility is to ensure a healthy environment for my kids (older teens). I also have a separate conversation with whatever kid is engaged in the power struggle. It helps to speak to both of them separately because it's easier to get to the root of the problem and makes it easier for me to interrupt earlier when a power struggle appears to be brewing.

I will say that I'm probably more sensitive to this stuff than most. I grew up in a very violent, abusive home. I'm a bit fanatical in breaking the cycle - my DH isn't abusive but it's the unproductive, unhelpful, authoritarian, unhealthy interaction that really lights a fuse under me that I have to work hard to remain clam in.

[Anonymous]

- Sometimes getting a third party involved is helpful. Would the in-laws be helpful, is there a therapist in the picture?
- If spouse won't read parenting books, some of them have videos (I recall that the Explosive Child had a DVD, if you still have a DVD player
- Make sure you are not undermining spouse in front of child and talk about it with them privately.

[Anonymous]

This is one of the major sources of tension in my marriage, OP.

My spouse has a very authoritarian and tone-deaf method of parenting. It raises my hackles, because it should be obvious to any observer that his method immediately antagonizes his kids; and escalates what would have been a moment to explain and persuade, or perhaps lecture, into an all-out screaming match with kids who feel deeply disrespected.

We've talked about it many times, but he can't see that it does more harm than good. For him it's a need for control: he thinks his kids must obey and defer. It's the unpleasant side of his personality.

I always defend my kids when he goes too far, which infuriates him. I am accused of sabotaging his efforts, and his relationship with his kids - when he does that all by his little own self. I don't think we will ever resolve this, and it makes our marriage difficult.

The weirdest part is that he sees me using more reasonable, authoritative parenting, along with persuasion and humor, to great effect with these same children... and yet he doesn't see his way towards imitating me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the major sources of tension in my marriage, OP.

My spouse has a very authoritarian and tone-deaf method of parenting. It raises my hackles, because it should be obvious to any observer that his method immediately antagonizes his kids; and escalates what would have been a moment to explain and persuade, or perhaps lecture, into an all-out screaming match with kids who feel deeply disrespected.

We've talked about it many times, but he can't see that it does more harm than good. For him it's a need for control: he thinks his kids must obey and defer. It's the unpleasant side of his personality.

I always defend my kids when he goes too far, which infuriates him. I am accused of sabotaging his efforts, and his relationship with his kids - when he does that all by his little own self. I don't think we will ever resolve this, and it makes our marriage difficult.

The weirdest part is that he sees me using more reasonable, authoritative parenting, along with persuasion and humor, to great effect with these same children... and yet he doesn't see his way towards imitating me.

Are you considering divorce pp? If I just go on enduring this for the next 10 years, I can’t see how empty nest and retirement is going to be enjoyable. At the same time, am I just supposed to abandon the kids to this for 50% of the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the major sources of tension in my marriage, OP.

My spouse has a very authoritarian and tone-deaf method of parenting. It raises my hackles, because it should be obvious to any observer that his method immediately antagonizes his kids; and escalates what would have been a moment to explain and persuade, or perhaps lecture, into an all-out screaming match with kids who feel deeply disrespected.

We've talked about it many times, but he can't see that it does more harm than good. For him it's a need for control: he thinks his kids must obey and defer. It's the unpleasant side of his personality.

I always defend my kids when he goes too far, which infuriates him. I am accused of sabotaging his efforts, and his relationship with his kids - when he does that all by his little own self. I don't think we will ever resolve this, and it makes our marriage difficult.

The weirdest part is that he sees me using more reasonable, authoritative parenting, along with persuasion and humor, to great effect with these same children... and yet he doesn't see his way towards imitating me.

Clearly we're married to the same man. This is exactly how it is in our house with my husband and our teen son.

The only relief came when DS went to college, but as soon as he returns for breaks and summer, it's back to the same thing. It's exhausting and frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the major sources of tension in my marriage, OP.

My spouse has a very authoritarian and tone-deaf method of parenting. It raises my hackles, because it should be obvious to any observer that his method immediately antagonizes his kids; and escalates what would have been a moment to explain and persuade, or perhaps lecture, into an all-out screaming match with kids who feel deeply disrespected.

We've talked about it many times, but he can't see that it does more harm than good. For him it's a need for control: he thinks his kids must obey and defer. It's the unpleasant side of his personality.

I always defend my kids when he goes too far, which infuriates him. I am accused of sabotaging his efforts, and his relationship with his kids - when he does that all by his little own self. I don't think we will ever resolve this, and it makes our marriage difficult.

The weirdest part is that he sees me using more reasonable, authoritative parenting, along with persuasion and humor, to great effect with these same children... and yet he doesn't see his way towards imitating me.

Are you considering divorce pp? If I just go on enduring this for the next 10 years, I can’t see how empty nest and retirement is going to be enjoyable. At the same time, am I just supposed to abandon the kids to this for 50% of the time?

PP you replied to. I hear you.

I will not divorce because:
1. It's very expensive.
2. My son is 17, and that's who he clashes with the most.
3. I considered divorce for many years, but he looks perfect on paper and would have continued to assert his authority in a very unpleasant manner with his kids during his 50% custody time.

In brief, defending my children and sending them off into the world with the maximum amount of support and assets is my priority. I can see my husband refusing to pay for college, for example, were we to divorce, just to spite us all. I have had many discussions with my children about this over the years, and they are aware of the ramifications of his anger management and control issues. They understand that they need to avoid such personalities in the workplace and in their private lives. One of my major concerns has always been the effect of such parenting on their psychological foundation: I do not want my kids to become him, or to gravitate towards people like him just through familiarity. Thankfully, none of them appear to have inherited or developed such tendencies.

4. Finally, my husband is a reasonable human being when he's around adults. I suspect he will respect his children a lot more when they are financially independent adults with their own lives. But apparently he can't deal with raising kids.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the context, OP. For example:

-Is DD (11) exhausted and, as such, can't regulate? I step in to separate them and help her calm down, then they talk it out once she's regrouped
-Is DH hangry and, as such, utterly unreasonable? I step in and tell him to take it down a notch. He will sometimes remove himself from the room if it gets to be too much
-Are they both just being grumpy grumps who like to bicker? I walk away, because I find it incredibly disrespectful to the rest of the family. They usually apologize
-I sometimes bring stuff up later with DH when he's calm and remind him a bit about typical childhood development, etc. He's not a bad person, at all, but he had zero exposure to healthy, authoritative parenting as a kid

Thanks and solidarity to PPs. It's gotten better with time but, damn. This stuff is not easy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely step in and almost take on a therapist role. I ask tween to explain to DH what he is thinking and why. I ask DH to do the same to tween. I come up with a solution and ask each side if they would be okay with it.

After a while of modeling that, they both got better at communicating instead of just shouting “I want to!” “I said no!” at each other for an hour.

I do this too. It’s exhausting, but it does help w the stand offs and helps to resolve situations in a way that feels supportive to both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things I've said:

-I feel like kid really responds well to a positive parenting approach. I read the book the school counselor recommended (how to talk so kids will listen) and I feel like when I use the techniques in the book, the kid behaves so much better.

-Dr J (kid's therapist) has told us a few times that this behavior is developmentally normal and in the moment we should be working on de-escalating.

-I understand that you want me to back you up. Respectfully, I think you escalated the conflict in an unnecessary way. I think that after the kid slammed the door, you should have said "let's take a break" and stepped away until you were both calm. Me stepping into the fight would have only made it worse.

-I think she needs to see you modeling the behavior you want to see.

How much of this is getting through? Very little.

It feels like a couple of you are telling my life story, though more articulately. I said similar things to my DH when he was taking a ridiculous, unnecessary, authoritarian approach with our older son’s minor transgressions. And like others, DH would get enraged when I wouldn’t back him up. I told him countless times that I loved and respected him but would not side with him when he engaged in what I considered verbally abusive (and definitely counterproductive) behavior. I also worked with our son to understand that his dad’s blowups were ones he should not emulate.

DH has actually calmed down a lot on this front over the years as he recognized he was creating distance between himself and kids he dearly loves. But it took almost a decade for him to get here. Probably it’s no coincidence that he is better able to control his emotions now that we’re in a comfortable place personally and professionally.