Reply to How do you stay neutral when spouse gets locked in power struggle with tween?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Things I've said:

-I feel like kid really responds well to a positive parenting approach. I read the book the school counselor recommended (how to talk so kids will listen) and I feel like when I use the techniques in the book, the kid behaves so much better.

-Dr J (kid's therapist) has told us a few times that this behavior is developmentally normal and in the moment we should be working on de-escalating.

-I understand that you want me to back you up. Respectfully, I think you escalated the conflict in an unnecessary way. I think that after the kid slammed the door, you should have said "let's take a break" and stepped away until you were both calm. Me stepping into the fight would have only made it worse.

-I think she needs to see you modeling the behavior you want to see.

How much of this is getting through? Very little. [/quote]
It feels like a couple of you are telling my life story, though more articulately.  I said similar things to my DH when he was taking a ridiculous, unnecessary, authoritarian approach with our older son’s minor transgressions.  And like others, DH would get enraged when I wouldn’t back him up. I told him countless times that I loved and respected him but would not side with him when he engaged in what I considered verbally abusive (and definitely counterproductive) behavior. I also worked with our son to understand that his dad’s blowups were ones he should not emulate.

DH has actually calmed down a lot on this front over the years as he recognized he was creating distance between himself and kids he dearly loves. But it took almost a decade for him to get here. Probably it’s no coincidence that he is better able to control his emotions now that we’re in a comfortable place personally and professionally. [/quote]

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