How do you stay neutral when spouse gets locked in power struggle with tween?

[Anonymous]

Good lord.

Parents parent. As a united front.

Kids listen and obey.

[Anonymous]

What the heck is all the fighting about? Grades, the car or curfew?

[Anonymous]

I do step in because unfortunately DH is sometimes more impulsive and reactive than DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't stay neutral. Spouse needs coping skills and parenting skills cannot be in a power struggle with their child

This. Your dh is an adult. Your tween is a child. You must do right by your child. It is dysfunctional for a parent to have a "power struggle" with a child. If there truly is a power struggle, your child has won. Why? Because why tf is a grown a$$ man engaging a child in battle?

[Anonymous]

My thoughts are you don't stay neutral. You side with your CHILD. You understand it's a difficult time in their life and you help them. If DH can't get on board you tell him, stay out of parenting or it's divorce.

[Anonymous]

Pp’s that clearly share my pain…do you ever consider your dh’s behavior to be abusive?

Perfect parents, please chime out.

-op

[Anonymous]

Wow, I was literally contemplating starting this exact thread.

My spouse is also failing at modern parenting. His method is to immediately start shouting and escalate the situation. The other day our kid was acting out after school so he wanted to send her to her room, “until she learned to behave.” I stepped in and it turns out she is having trouble adjusting to her new school. She ended up bursting into tears. This is just one example but it seems to happen at least weekly. I tried to show him articles but he, “doesn’t want parenting advice from the internet.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My thoughts are you don't stay neutral. You side with your CHILD. You understand it's a difficult time in their life and you help them. If DH can't get on board you tell him, stay out of parenting or it's divorce.

You can’t get a divorce because then the child/children will be with that parent 50% of the time without anyone to back them up.

[Anonymous]

Dialectical behavioral therapy for all involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The long game is helping spouse develop a better understanding of the tween psyche and better communication skills to minimize conflict. In the moment though, spouse is feeling not only unsupported by me but senses my active disapproval. I know we need to be on the same page, but at the same time, my body instantly tenses and I put on a dumb, I’m not getting involved in this, look, which spouse believes is a validation of kids position and leaves him out hanging to dry. Thoughts? If I were quicker thinking I’d try to defuse but I just can’t.

You side with spouse and help educate kid.

Or you divorce and raise kid on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I was literally contemplating starting this exact thread.

My spouse is also failing at modern parenting. His method is to immediately start shouting and escalate the situation. The other day our kid was acting out after school so he wanted to send her to her room, “until she learned to behave.” I stepped in and it turns out she is having trouble adjusting to her new school. She ended up bursting into tears. This is just one example but it seems to happen at least weekly. I tried to show him articles but he, “doesn’t want parenting advice from the internet.”

Smart spouse. Feel sorry for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord.

Parents parent. As a united front.

Kids listen and obey.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp’s that clearly share my pain…do you ever consider your dh’s behavior to be abusive?

Perfect parents, please chime out.

-op

10:29 here who grew up with abuse. There was a time about 8 years ago when my DH was in a major depression. A lot of people associate depression with lethargy but it can also manifest as anger, remoteness and short tempered - that was my DH. His behavior wasn't what I experienced growing up but he was so emotionally dysregulated and reactive that I felt it was abusive. He was yelling at the kids or throwing things or anything, he was just yelling and angry, but it is frightening and disturbing for kids to witness especially if it was their behavior that triggered it.

When it happened, I would immediately jump in to shut it down. He could rant and rave all he wanted but not in front of us. I did get to the point where I was ready to divorce, not just because of this but because of a lot of other issues with DH's refusal to treat his depression. I came to the conclusion that the kids and I would be healthier without him. Yes, he'd have custody 50% of the time but at least there would be 1 home that was stable and nurturing. And, importantly, my mental health was taking too great a hit. The kids needed at least 1 healthy parent.

After my decision, DH got his shlt together and we were able to get back to a healthy place. Yet, the kids don't go to him when something is bothering them or if the subject is sensitive. I'd say their relationships with their father are good but I don't think they trust him not to be reactive or to edit his own emotions.

[Anonymous]

Thanks pp. Sounds like you’ve done a lot of work and I appreciate your perspective. And some of the others too (who upon reread, did classify it as abusive). I’m just really struggling because I also come from a verbally abusive upbringing, with two consequences: 1) I don’t trust that I’m interpreting what is happening correctly and 2) I just freeze. I can’t negotiate, I can’t seem to think at all. And yes, I’m in therapy. He is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp’s that clearly share my pain…do you ever consider your dh’s behavior to be abusive?

Perfect parents, please chime out.

-op

I’m the 12:26 PP and no, I don’t. He doesn’t name call, or swear, or throw things, or yell. He’s more Alpha male/old school/thou shalt obey than I like and also than research supports being. His father actually was abusive (physically), so he doesn’t cross that line. His parenting isn’t ideal, but it’s not harmful.

I’ve found Tina Payne Bryson, one of the authors of Whole Brain Child, to have really helpful parenting guidance. Kids don’t need perfect parents, but they need parents to be present and connected. I guess it depends on how frequently this kind of behavior occurs, and what exactly it comprises, too, in making that determination.