How do you stay neutral when spouse gets locked in power struggle with tween?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely step in and almost take on a therapist role. I ask tween to explain to DH what he is thinking and why. I ask DH to do the same to tween. I come up with a solution and ask each side if they would be okay with it.

After a while of modeling that, they both got better at communicating instead of just shouting “I want to!” “I said no!” at each other for an hour.

This is our model too. However, we have a peaceful homelife (knock on wood) and most of the time these power struggles do not happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me feel much less alone!

NP and same. We are having one hell of a time with our teen. If anything I am the stricter more authoritarian discipline type. It’s good for me to read these responses because it’s a constant struggle in our house with the kids and our marriage. DH constantly tells me to back off and do whatever we can to de escalate. In my eyes, he’s letting the kids do whatever they want and they are falling into self destructive behaviors and depression. We are all in therapy over this. I’m trying very hard to back off. The teen years are HARD. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure, I experience the same thing. Unfortunately their dad is I believe, emotionally immature and as my oldest has gotten older (she’s now 15) she sees through him too, which sucks for their relationship

[Anonymous]

F your husband.

You brought this child into the world. Your job is to support and protect them. Full stop.

Stay calm and help your child communicate better and be respectful- sure. But you are not there to soothe the ego and disfunction of a man child. Please let that be your lowest priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the major sources of tension in my marriage, OP.

My spouse has a very authoritarian and tone-deaf method of parenting. It raises my hackles, because it should be obvious to any observer that his method immediately antagonizes his kids; and escalates what would have been a moment to explain and persuade, or perhaps lecture, into an all-out screaming match with kids who feel deeply disrespected.

We've talked about it many times, but he can't see that it does more harm than good. For him it's a need for control: he thinks his kids must obey and defer. It's the unpleasant side of his personality.

I always defend my kids when he goes too far, which infuriates him. I am accused of sabotaging his efforts, and his relationship with his kids - when he does that all by his little own self. I don't think we will ever resolve this, and it makes our marriage difficult.

The weirdest part is that he sees me using more reasonable, authoritative parenting, along with persuasion and humor, to great effect with these same children... and yet he doesn't see his way towards imitating me.

Clearly we're married to the same man. This is exactly how it is in our house with my husband and our teen son.

The only relief came when DS went to college, but as soon as he returns for breaks and summer, it's back to the same thing. It's exhausting and frustrating.

+ I could've written this myself...

[Anonymous]

Wow. Dh and I always stand by each others decisions. Always. Admittedly we don’t disagree often, but still dh is my partner in life. I have his back first and always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Dh and I always stand by each others decisions. Always. Admittedly we don’t disagree often, but still dh is my partner in life. I have his back first and always.

No way. You chose to have this life. Your first responsibility is to your kid, as they are a minor and under your protection. Should they have low self esteem, anxiety, depression - as adults - that almost always is on you and what you failed to provide or protect them from.

I knew a lot of spouses like you - and let me tell you, as adults the kids distance themselves from *both* parents. One for being a jerk, and the other for being silent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord.

Parents parent. As a united front.

Kids listen and obey.

Thanks for your input, fossil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Dh and I always stand by each others decisions. Always. Admittedly we don’t disagree often, but still dh is my partner in life. I have his back first and always.

No way. You chose to have this life. Your first responsibility is to your kid, as they are a minor and under your protection. Should they have low self esteem, anxiety, depression - as adults - that almost always is on you and what you failed to provide or protect them from.

I knew a lot of spouses like you - and let me tell you, as adults the kids distance themselves from *both* parents. One for being a jerk, and the other for being silent.

What the hell did this poster say that gave you the substantiation to say that she or her husband are jerks? She just said she and her husband stand by each other's decisions and try to be supportive of each other as parents.

You took a gigantic leap there, which speaks to you projecting your own issues onto others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me feel much less alone!

NP and same. We are having one hell of a time with our teen. If anything I am the stricter more authoritarian discipline type. It’s good for me to read these responses because it’s a constant struggle in our house with the kids and our marriage. DH constantly tells me to back off and do whatever we can to de escalate. In my eyes, he’s letting the kids do whatever they want and they are falling into self destructive behaviors and depression. We are all in therapy over this. I’m trying very hard to back off. The teen years are HARD. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

Thanks for posting. Would like to understand more - is therapy helping? I believe my DH would benefit from a skills class or maybe even a really good book. I’m not sure therapy would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me feel much less alone!

NP and same. We are having one hell of a time with our teen. If anything I am the stricter more authoritarian discipline type. It’s good for me to read these responses because it’s a constant struggle in our house with the kids and our marriage. DH constantly tells me to back off and do whatever we can to de escalate. In my eyes, he’s letting the kids do whatever they want and they are falling into self destructive behaviors and depression. We are all in therapy over this. I’m trying very hard to back off. The teen years are HARD. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

Thanks for posting. Would like to understand more - is therapy helping? I believe my DH would benefit from a skills class or maybe even a really good book. I’m not sure therapy would help.

No. It’s not. I feel it’s made things worse. We are all trying but likely interpreting the things said at therapy wrong or too black and white. It’s causes more tension and divide in the house.

Since I’m the more authoritative style even through I’m a mom, let me ask all of you what you would have done. Last night was another issue with staying online too late. I could have let that go but it was noisy with music and various other things to where my younger kids and me are being woken up past 11pm. After the 100th warning, I said to quiet down or it was gone tomorrow. DH stepped in to reprimand me that I was making it worse and escalating. He believes we should give our teen space and I think it’s gotten out of control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me feel much less alone!

NP and same. We are having one hell of a time with our teen. If anything I am the stricter more authoritarian discipline type. It’s good for me to read these responses because it’s a constant struggle in our house with the kids and our marriage. DH constantly tells me to back off and do whatever we can to de escalate. In my eyes, he’s letting the kids do whatever they want and they are falling into self destructive behaviors and depression. We are all in therapy over this. I’m trying very hard to back off. The teen years are HARD. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

Thanks for posting. Would like to understand more - is therapy helping? I believe my DH would benefit from a skills class or maybe even a really good book. I’m not sure therapy would help.

No. It’s not. I feel it’s made things worse. We are all trying but likely interpreting the things said at therapy wrong or too black and white. It’s causes more tension and divide in the house.

Since I’m the more authoritative style even through I’m a mom, let me ask all of you what you would have done. Last night was another issue with staying online too late. I could have let that go but it was noisy with music and various other things to where my younger kids and me are being woken up past 11pm. After the 100th warning, I said to quiet down or it was gone tomorrow. DH stepped in to reprimand me that I was making it worse and escalating. He believes we should give our teen space and I think it’s gotten out of control.

10:29 here. I actually think there's a lot to unpack here and I'm doing some projecting so if you think I'm off base, ignore me.

It doesn't sound like there are 'boundaries' in your home that are explicit and understood - house rules. Even if you do allow your teens to be on their devices at night, no one can infringe on another person's quiet enjoyment of the home. This is communal living 101. Your DS should have been given one warning. If he continued to infringe on your quiet enjoyment, whatever was causing the disturbance should have been shut down/removed.

This leads to the next point, there doesn't appear to be consistent/appropriate discipline. You shouldn't have had to provide 100 warnings. By doing so, you are reinforcing that your requests can be ignored - not a behavior that you want to reinforce. After the 100th warning, you, understandably, lost your shLt. This is a pattern my DH and I have. I can calmly tell/ask him something 10M times but it's not until I lose my shLt that he will pay attention. By that time, it's no longer about whatever it is I was trying to tell/ask him but about the disregard he was demonstrating by ignoring me. Why is it that my voice is only heard when I lose my shLt? (Yeah, I'm doing a lot of projecting here). Your reponse was probably more emotional that rational and your DS probably had some of his own attittude going on. Does he 'mirror' your emotions when you guys engage?

Your DH was wrong in how he handled this. He may have been responding to your emotion rather than the situation, especially if he's an ignorer like your DS and my DH. Was he aware that you'd asked 100X? If he was, why didn't he back you up the 2nd time you asked? If he didn't hear you the first 99X, it would likely seem to him your response was disproportionate and escalating things. Yet, instead of reprimanding you, he should have asked why your response was so disproportionate.

I think where you need to start is establishing the boundaries of communal living and consequences for when those boundaries are broken. The consequences need to be related to the boundary violation. You should also work on communication and listening challenges. Establish some rules on how best to communicate with each other - this could include don't bombard me with complaints the moment I walk in the door from work. It could be signals you give when you feel you're having an emotional response or getting an emotional response. Dissect some real examples, like the one in your post, on why it went wrong and what should have been done. A good counselor should be able to help you work through this. If the counselor isn't helping, get a new one. Hugs and good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Dh and I always stand by each others decisions. Always. Admittedly we don’t disagree often, but still dh is my partner in life. I have his back first and always.

No way. You chose to have this life. Your first responsibility is to your kid, as they are a minor and under your protection. Should they have low self esteem, anxiety, depression - as adults - that almost always is on you and what you failed to provide or protect them from.

I knew a lot of spouses like you - and let me tell you, as adults the kids distance themselves from *both* parents. One for being a jerk, and the other for being silent.

Meaning, there are *many* marriages that the couple just shows a unified front with the kids. But in too many, I see one parent being very authoritarian in their parenting style, and the other one acquiescing, just to keep up the unified front. Or perhaps they actually agree. I don't know about PP specifically, perhaps their disagreements are minor, and perhaps their styles are very similar in parenting. But I was taking issue with the comment that "DH is my partner in life. I have his back first and always". I fundamentally disagree. You have your kids back first. Because *you* brought them into this world. And should there ever be a time when your spouse goes overboard, with authoritarian parenting, potentially exposing them to emotional abuse or neglect, it is absolutely your duty to step in and protect your child.

And yes, I am reacting, because I see this play out in my own life many times. I have two siblings who are extremely interested in maintaining this unified front with their spouses over what is best for their kids. The result is that one child is being routinely verbally abused (because mom cannot contradict dad), and the other set of nephews are spiraling into anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me feel much less alone!

NP and same. We are having one hell of a time with our teen. If anything I am the stricter more authoritarian discipline type. It’s good for me to read these responses because it’s a constant struggle in our house with the kids and our marriage. DH constantly tells me to back off and do whatever we can to de escalate. In my eyes, he’s letting the kids do whatever they want and they are falling into self destructive behaviors and depression. We are all in therapy over this. I’m trying very hard to back off. The teen years are HARD. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

Thanks for posting. Would like to understand more - is therapy helping? I believe my DH would benefit from a skills class or maybe even a really good book. I’m not sure therapy would help.

No. It’s not. I feel it’s made things worse. We are all trying but likely interpreting the things said at therapy wrong or too black and white. It’s causes more tension and divide in the house.

Since I’m the more authoritative style even through I’m a mom, let me ask all of you what you would have done. Last night was another issue with staying online too late. I could have let that go but it was noisy with music and various other things to where my younger kids and me are being woken up past 11pm. After the 100th warning, I said to quiet down or it was gone tomorrow. DH stepped in to reprimand me that I was making it worse and escalating. He believes we should give our teen space and I think it’s gotten out of control.

10:29 here. I actually think there's a lot to unpack here and I'm doing some projecting so if you think I'm off base, ignore me.

It doesn't sound like there are 'boundaries' in your home that are explicit and understood - house rules. Even if you do allow your teens to be on their devices at night, no one can infringe on another person's quiet enjoyment of the home. This is communal living 101. Your DS should have been given one warning. If he continued to infringe on your quiet enjoyment, whatever was causing the disturbance should have been shut down/removed.

This leads to the next point, there doesn't appear to be consistent/appropriate discipline. You shouldn't have had to provide 100 warnings. By doing so, you are reinforcing that your requests can be ignored - not a behavior that you want to reinforce. After the 100th warning, you, understandably, lost your shLt. This is a pattern my DH and I have. I can calmly tell/ask him something 10M times but it's not until I lose my shLt that he will pay attention. By that time, it's no longer about whatever it is I was trying to tell/ask him but about the disregard he was demonstrating by ignoring me. Why is it that my voice is only heard when I lose my shLt? (Yeah, I'm doing a lot of projecting here). Your reponse was probably more emotional that rational and your DS probably had some of his own attittude going on. Does he 'mirror' your emotions when you guys engage?

Your DH was wrong in how he handled this. He may have been responding to your emotion rather than the situation, especially if he's an ignorer like your DS and my DH. Was he aware that you'd asked 100X? If he was, why didn't he back you up the 2nd time you asked? If he didn't hear you the first 99X, it would likely seem to him your response was disproportionate and escalating things. Yet, instead of reprimanding you, he should have asked why your response was so disproportionate.

I think where you need to start is establishing the boundaries of communal living and consequences for when those boundaries are broken. The consequences need to be related to the boundary violation. You should also work on communication and listening challenges. Establish some rules on how best to communicate with each other - this could include don't bombard me with complaints the moment I walk in the door from work. It could be signals you give when you feel you're having an emotional response or getting an emotional response. Dissect some real examples, like the one in your post, on why it went wrong and what should have been done. A good counselor should be able to help you work through this. If the counselor isn't helping, get a new one. Hugs and good luck!

Thank you. I agree with everything you say. I had all of those things in place - taking devices, quiet hours etc. Our teen was acting out and this is where I am more of the disciplinarian in the house. DH is more of a free range parent. Anyway, that’s why I said therapy is making things worse. I am told to back off and now quoted with that constantly when we have these battles, creating more chaos in the home. Yes, I had too many rules. Now we are another type of hell with no rules and our teen is acting out still.

It’s helpful to hear input from others and I’m sorry I couldn’t say therapy has been helpful. It’s so difficult when you aren’t on the same page as your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me feel much less alone!

NP and same. We are having one hell of a time with our teen. If anything I am the stricter more authoritarian discipline type. It’s good for me to read these responses because it’s a constant struggle in our house with the kids and our marriage. DH constantly tells me to back off and do whatever we can to de escalate. In my eyes, he’s letting the kids do whatever they want and they are falling into self destructive behaviors and depression. We are all in therapy over this. I’m trying very hard to back off. The teen years are HARD. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

Thanks for posting. Would like to understand more - is therapy helping? I believe my DH would benefit from a skills class or maybe even a really good book. I’m not sure therapy would help.

No. It’s not. I feel it’s made things worse. We are all trying but likely interpreting the things said at therapy wrong or too black and white. It’s causes more tension and divide in the house.

Since I’m the more authoritative style even through I’m a mom, let me ask all of you what you would have done. Last night was another issue with staying online too late. I could have let that go but it was noisy with music and various other things to where my younger kids and me are being woken up past 11pm. After the 100th warning, I said to quiet down or it was gone tomorrow. DH stepped in to reprimand me that I was making it worse and escalating. He believes we should give our teen space and I think it’s gotten out of control.

Thanks, I asked the original question and I’m sorry therapy isn’t working. Thanks for expanding on your perspective. I agree with 10:29, it feels like your DH has just defaulted to defending your child, no matter what. And that’s not helpful nor reasonable. Kids need limits. I recommend starting some new rules and consequences in place with your DH. Get his buy in first, and figure out your roles. For example, DH job is to verify rule has been broken, you are the enforcer and DH lets you do so without further negotiation. I would start a short list of new rules and each time one is needed, talk it over with your kid, so he is aware. Maybe you can even all negotiate on a reward (one full week without yelling - kid gets the choice of takeout or something) and consequences for breaking each rule. And if you can get each one in writing, it might help too in the heat of the moment.

If you can have a few rules, and they start to work, the next time there is a new argument, maybe you can say, can we just figure this out, calmly, without a new rule and without yelling? That might become an incentive too.

Anyway, just some thoughts. Good luck, I hope it will pass for all of us and our families will be ok.