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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is one of the major sources of tension in my marriage, OP.

My spouse has a very authoritarian and tone-deaf method of parenting. It raises my hackles, because it should be obvious to any observer that his method immediately antagonizes his kids; and escalates what would have been a moment to explain and persuade, or perhaps lecture, into an all-out screaming match with kids who feel deeply disrespected.

We've talked about it many times, but he can't see that it does  more harm than good. For him it's a need for control: he thinks his kids must obey and defer. It's the unpleasant side of his personality.

I always defend my kids when he goes too far, which infuriates him. I am accused of sabotaging his efforts, and his relationship with his kids - when he does that all by his little own self. I don't think we will ever resolve this, and it makes our marriage difficult.

The weirdest part is that he sees me using more reasonable, authoritative parenting, along with persuasion and humor, to great effect with these same children... and yet he doesn't see his way towards imitating me. [/quote]

Are you considering divorce pp? If I just go on enduring this for the next 10 years, I can’t see how empty nest and retirement is going to be enjoyable. At the same time, am I just supposed to abandon the kids to this for 50% of the time?[/quote]

PP you replied to. I hear you.

I will not divorce because:
1. It's very expensive.
2. My son is 17, and that's who he clashes with the most. 
3. I considered divorce for many years, but he looks perfect on paper and would have continued to assert his authority in a very unpleasant manner with his kids during his 50% custody time.

In brief, defending my children and sending them off into the world with the maximum amount of support and assets is my priority. I can see my husband refusing to pay for college, for example, were we to divorce, just to spite us all. I have had many discussions with my children about this over the years, and they are aware of the ramifications of his anger management and control issues. They understand that they need to avoid such personalities in the workplace and in their private lives. One of my major concerns has always been the effect of such parenting on their psychological foundation: I do not want my kids to become him, or to gravitate towards people like him just through familiarity. Thankfully, none of them appear to have inherited or developed such tendencies.

4. Finally, my husband is a reasonable human being when he's around adults. I suspect he will respect his children a lot more when they are financially independent adults with their own lives. But apparently he can't deal with raising kids.

[/quote]

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