I'm having a midlife crisis, looking for advice

[Anonymous]

I'm having what can only be described as a midlife crisis. It's quiet and I'm not outwardly falling apart, but I'm unquestionably struggling with a lot of midlife issues and internally I am really struggling.

For people have been through this: what helped, other than therapy (I am in therapy)? Do you have books you can recommend? Are there any choices you made in terms of what you focused on that seemed to make it better? Did your relationships change?

The hardest thing for me is this feeling of failure/regret. Not about everything. But in some significant ways my life is heavier and sadder than I ever expected it to be at this point. It weighs very heavily on me even though in other ways I have been very blessed. I guess you never expect the wrong turns -- you think everything will work out. I am hitting an age where I realize some things didn't work out and never will. It's very defeating.

[Anonymous]

Big hugs, OP.

I'm in a midlife crisis as well, not professional but romantic. My spouse is a disappointing partner romantically, and it's hard not to look elsewhere. I'm also aging, and not happy with it - which comes as a surprise, because I never thought of myself as particularly pretty or vain.

My imperfect solution has been to find new volunteering avenues to get out of myself, buy nicer clothes and pay more attention to my health

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for that, good to know I'm not alone.

I feel like I should add that I need to do things that don't cost a lot of money. We are very cash strapped at the moment, which is a major trigger for a lot of my feelings of failure/inadequacy. So taking a nice vacation or splurging on clothes or self-care is not an option for me. No risk of me running out and buying a sports car, I guess.

I'm looking more for things I might read or do that could help relieve some of this grief and regret. Like, I don't know, a novel or poem or other book you've read that brought you solace. Or... I'm not religious but I have been thinking lately maybe I need to find some religion, or some kind of community like a religious community. Is that sustaining for people? I am feeling very isolated right now.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you expecting too much? You aren't special. I mean there is nothing especially special about you.

Trying to say this to be helpful, really ... but who doesn't experience "wrong" turns. Why would you be spared this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you expecting too much? You aren't special. I mean there is nothing especially special about you.

Trying to say this to be helpful, really ... but who doesn't experience "wrong" turns. Why would you be spared this?

Hmm, thank you? I don't think I'm special and no, I don't think I'm expecting too much. I was not expecting to feel so socially isolated, and I was not expecting my family to be so dysfunctional. I also was not expecting this level of financial stress and pressure, and the pinch of trying to prepare for old age while also saving for college that gets exponentially more expensive daily. I was not expecting to be in my late 40s and needing to penny pinch the way I do for cash flow reasons. I was not expecting my mental health challenges to just become chronic -- never laying me totally flat out but never really getting much better.

Not special, but human. Life is a grind and I've been at it for a while and have quite a bit of time left and I feel tired, a bit lonely, and unmoored.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I'm navigating it as well at 56. Even this morning, I was walking somewhere and thinking how I missed my older generation, all of whom have died. I was thinking, I want to be in the past, where I could chat with them, and also hear their opinions on things--I'm tired of being the 'senior generation adult' all the time.

Anyways, one thing that has helped me a lot is this concept of Functional Medicine which is largely about epigenetics. (How environment can turn on/off certain genes, so how you can actually take control of your aging). The first was a DCUM rec, Mark Sisson, at marksdailyapple.com.

The second is Dr. Mark Hyman at the Cleveland Clinic, and I can't find the link for a free hour, but if you poke around with the link below, you may find it. I had my DH watch it (that was a hard sell) but afterwards he got really into it and bought the course and we are going to watch it together.
https://www.onecommune.com/the-emerging-science-of-longevity-with-dr-mark-hyman

But, regardless of my DH, I've been investigating this area and think it can do wonders to make a person feel better--not just physically but psychologically.

[Anonymous]

Op, look into connecting with some community where you can feel you make a difference. Could be religious, or volunteer, or just a meetup group doing things you would like to do.

I often get down on myself bc I am clearly not part of the main social group in my neighborhood - to the point of being the odd woman out - and I find I feel better by doing things that I like with other people. I have connections through my house of worship, my sorority alumni group, old college friends, and a meetup informal hiking club.

[Anonymous]

Your post is sounding familiar to me. I am not "through" it but am dragging my family camping in a borrowed tent (cost is about $30 er night at a state campground) in an effort to get out of my routine. I downloaded a free DBT workbook to help learn to work through downward spirals better. It has some really practical suggestions.

And in previous stages of life religion really has helped. It can be very cathartic to join a group snd sing and pray in a tradition that feels homey to you, even if you're not sure what you believe. I'm very pro religion as an embodied and communal practice, even though our culture treats it more as a system of thought.

[Anonymous]

^^forgot to say, why I like it is that it puts aside the notion that old age is this slow decline until death. And that we have control over that--huge control.

Mark Sisson's slogan is "Live Long--Drop Dead!" and Dr. Hyman's whole pitch is about how to maintain quality of life. Both of these guys are backed by science.

[Anonymous]

For me, what has worked:

Meditation

Being physically active

Deciding what I want, and making a plan for it. So many of us don't know what we want because we've been caring for everyone else.

Listening to podcasts and reading books, so I feel less alone. Podcasts: The Grown@ss Woman's Guide (general), Forties Stories (personal stories), and Modern GenX Women (career). Books are the "U-Curve of Happiness" and "Why we can't sleep." There are tons of others, but those are my favorites. Also, try midlife FB groups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you expecting too much? You aren't special. I mean there is nothing especially special about you.

Trying to say this to be helpful, really ... but who doesn't experience "wrong" turns. Why would you be spared this?

Hmm, thank you? I don't think I'm special and no, I don't think I'm expecting too much. I was not expecting to feel so socially isolated, and I was not expecting my family to be so dysfunctional. I also was not expecting this level of financial stress and pressure, and the pinch of trying to prepare for old age while also saving for college that gets exponentially more expensive daily. I was not expecting to be in my late 40s and needing to penny pinch the way I do for cash flow reasons. I was not expecting my mental health challenges to just become chronic -- never laying me totally flat out but never really getting much better.

Not special, but human. Life is a grind and I've been at it for a while and have quite a bit of time left and I feel tired, a bit lonely, and unmoored.

I'm not PP, but I wonder if another way to say what (I hope) PP was trying to point out is that you aren't ALONE. Many of us in midlife feel very much the same. Most people have financial stress all their lives long, and having aging parents, preparing for retirement and having to push it off, and kids going to college is an especially hellish financial pinch. Most of us are starting to experience the accumulation of health stuff - for me it isn't mental health but little physical stuff that now means I often feel stiff and sore and do fewer active things because of it (even though I know I should do more, not less).

But it sounds like one of the things you are struggling with is that feeling of aloneness and social isolation, which can also be a feature of middle age. Its a conundrum.

I'll recommend a book that has helped me in middle age - Life Reimagined. It is about the things that bring health, meaning, and happiness to this life stage.

[Anonymous]

I confess I haven't read it, but I've seen people recommend Anne Morrow Lindbergh's book "Gift from the Sea."

She writes, "Perhaps middle age is, or should be, a period of shedding shells; the shell of ambition, the shell of material accumulations and possessions, the shell of ego. Perhaps one can shed at this stage in life as one sheds in beach living; one's pride, one's false ambitions, one's mask, one's armor. Was that armor not put on to protect one from the competitive world? If one ceases to compete, does one need it? Perhaps one can at last in middle age, if not earlier, be completely oneself. And what a liberation that would be!"

[Anonymous]

Mine is easing up and I think it's as much about climate change, the pandemic and American politics as my own mortality. I am now on Lexapro, I made an effort to be more social and that's paid off--staying busy has helped-- and things to look forward to. Plus wine and music.

[Anonymous]

I thought this book about midlife was helpful: Life Reimagined: The Science, Art, and Opportunity of Midlife https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01071REBY/

[Anonymous]

I had one last year. I listened to a lot of Oprah SuperSoul (some amazing thought and spiritual leaders on her show!), got a lot from Eckhart Tolle’s book a New Earth, a Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. I went to therapy and also occasionally talked to a psychic. Also read additional self-help books by Dr Shefali, Glennon Doyle, Joe Dispenza, basically anything I could get my hands on. This year I am doing much better and feel like a new me.