I'm having a midlife crisis, looking for advice

[Anonymous]

At some point I realized that there is no point, and that people need to make the most of what they have. At my age, I'm no longer going to president of this or top manager of that - I think that's why people get happier as they get older as they just don't care as much.

I was listening to John Green's new book where he considers this, and notes that only humans ponder on the point of life - all other animals just reproduce and live. https://www.johngreenbooks.com/the-anthropocene-reviewed-book

[Anonymous]

DH just had a birthday (in 50s) and was kind of down: feeling like he isn't doing enough with his life, feeling low about childhood traumas. We took our dog to the Shirlington Dog Park and it was like medication for DH. Watching all those happy dogs running around, tails wagging, people smiling. I think it helped remind him that although life can be hard, there are also plenty of small joyful things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most unhappy years for women are late 40s. It's just life, kids, aging parents, hormones. It gets easier in the 50s. Having a sense of humor and rolling with the changes is the way to go. Your health is your wealth more so now than ever.

This hasn't been true for me. I'm finding my 60s difficult. My kids are fledging and after decades of dealing with issues with the schools and other adults regarding my child with sns, I feel worn out and cynical. I'm not spiritual/religious and won't find that helpful. Like a poster above alluded to I'm missing the older women around me who were good friends, gave great advice, weren't prone to being competitive or insulting. Everyone around me is younger and seems petty and competitive. So many older friends have died and I feel sad about it. I moved away from many of them when my kids were small and lost touch now to find many are dead. My mom has managed to live a very long life and I feel sad for her. She's lived long enough to see different generations of her friends die and now her sisters gone and she doesn't really have anyone. The indignity of life is that as she becomes more dependent upon others, they aren't there to help. She also isn't comfortable driving and that is killing her social life. I see that this is the future for most of us. We used to have large family gatherings with extended family but through the years people moved across the world and we've lost touch. I miss how life used to be. I miss how nice shopping used to be. Does anyone else remember how good clothes at Woodies used to smell? How nice the stores were? How putting up Christmas decorations wasn't construed as a political statement?

I'm shocked by how stuck in nostalgia I am. I'm not 80. It feels like the world has changed too much for me.

I could have written this and I am only 44. I miss my upbringing, my family connections of the older generation - only my mom seems to be left and she is having dementia. I miss her, she was my emotional support system and now she’s not anymore and needs me. Kids are young teen/tween. DH just emerged from decade long unemployment but his job is limited to a year. Who know what happens then. I have a good income but never thought that I would have to miss out on all family stuff because I would be the only breadwinner. My life is awful and to top it off I have a chronic condition that keeps deteriorating and who knows how long I can manage it. I didn’t expect this from life at all. It’s been downhill and I am not even old yet.

[Anonymous]

I wish I could hug you all.

I am healthy at the moment, but feel like old age (I am 65) is a series of cancer screening tests, and waiting for results that can be scary (many of my siblings have had serious health threats lately).

My future is promising in that I hope to retire next year BUT I am also experiencing empty nest, which is really hard since my child and I have constituted our whole family for the past 20 years (companion for all meals, walks, vacations, etc).

Any insights on how to enter my old age with optimism (while she is rightfully off to her own exciting, independent future) would be appreciated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could hug you all.

I am healthy at the moment, but feel like old age (I am 65) is a series of cancer screening tests, and waiting for results that can be scary (many of my siblings have had serious health threats lately).

My future is promising in that I hope to retire next year BUT I am also experiencing empty nest, which is really hard since my child and I have constituted our whole family for the past 20 years (companion for all meals, walks, vacations, etc).

Any insights on how to enter my old age with optimism (while she is rightfully off to her own exciting, independent future) would be appreciated!

I'm 56 and feel much like this. My child is off to college next year. Single mom so it's been the two of us for 18 years...and we enjoy each other. No teen angst at the moment. Job of 20+ years is also in a period of transition....so much is changing.

[Anonymous]

This is such a nice, helpful thread.
It clearly resonated with a lot of us.
Thank you, OP, for starting it, and also to the PPs for the thoughtful replies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH just had a birthday (in 50s) and was kind of down: feeling like he isn't doing enough with his life, feeling low about childhood traumas. We took our dog to the Shirlington Dog Park and it was like medication for DH. Watching all those happy dogs running around, tails wagging, people smiling. I think it helped remind him that although life can be hard, there are also plenty of small joyful things.

I was going to chime in and mention how much joy my dogs bring me. They just love me so much - no human will ever love me like that. And they are hilarious. One of my dogs is extremely jealous and will sit in my lap (despite being huge) if I pet the other. It’s ridiculous, but hard not to feel joy when I’m around my two fur balls.

[Anonymous]

When you are middle aged and you have financial troubles, it is very demoralizing. Let me give you one piece of advice though. When you are going through a tough time, you should only do things that makes your situation better.

For example - if you are going through financial hardships, starting to drink to forget about it is going to harm your wallet, your health, your family's peace. So when faced with any bad situation, do things to - preserve the good parts of your life, take steps that brings you good health,good sleep, good exercise, good nutrition. Clean your space, unclutter your life, pray to God and find a way to get over the bad times.

Do everything to make your future and present better for yourself, your family, your children. Make good decisions and choices. Especially when in trouble or a tough time. Don't compound your problems. Get therapy, start exercising, become kind to your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could hug you all.

I am healthy at the moment, but feel like old age (I am 65) is a series of cancer screening tests, and waiting for results that can be scary (many of my siblings have had serious health threats lately).

My future is promising in that I hope to retire next year BUT I am also experiencing empty nest, which is really hard since my child and I have constituted our whole family for the past 20 years (companion for all meals, walks, vacations, etc).

Any insights on how to enter my old age with optimism (while she is rightfully off to her own exciting, independent future) would be appreciated!

I'm 56 and feel much like this. My child is off to college next year. Single mom so it's been the two of us for 18 years...and we enjoy each other. No teen angst at the moment. Job of 20+ years is also in a period of transition....so much is changing.

We sound like we have similar stories. It has been wonderful, so the end...or transition as you rightly describe it... feels sad. My child is a bit older than yours (just finished college). I will say that they are home a lot during college, and for extended stretches...so it feels like your place is still their home base.

Now that my kid is looking for a job, it feels a bit more final.

This was to be expected, if we were good at our Mom jobs...so now I guess we just have to adjust again to having adult kids.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have any book recommendations but what helps me cope with life is running. It’s my therapy. I was never a high school athlete or anything like that but took up running, a mile or so at first and then more, as an adult. If that is just not an option for you, what about a morning or evening walk. Or driving once a week to different bodies of water to watch the sunset. Just try to be in each and every moment throughout the day (I guess this is called mindfulness) rather than worry about what might come or what might have been. Look into taking a yoga class. Or cook a new dish once a week. Gardening? What is it that brings you pleasure in life? That doesn’t have to cost money. I love reading books for sheer pleasure and the library, kindle deals on Amazon and use book stores make this an inexpensive hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most unhappy years for women are late 40s. It's just life, kids, aging parents, hormones. It gets easier in the 50s. Having a sense of humor and rolling with the changes is the way to go. Your health is your wealth more so now than ever.

I'm mid 40's and really feeling it but I had older parents who have both passed....so maybe thats why. Either way it's rough and kind of lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you expecting too much? You aren't special. I mean there is nothing especially special about you.

Trying to say this to be helpful, really ... but who doesn't experience "wrong" turns. Why would you be spared this?

Hmm, thank you? I don't think I'm special and no, I don't think I'm expecting too much. I was not expecting to feel so socially isolated, and I was not expecting my family to be so dysfunctional. I also was not expecting this level of financial stress and pressure, and the pinch of trying to prepare for old age while also saving for college that gets exponentially more expensive daily. I was not expecting to be in my late 40s and needing to penny pinch the way I do for cash flow reasons. I was not expecting my mental health challenges to just become chronic -- never laying me totally flat out but never really getting much better.

Not special, but human. Life is a grind and I've been at it for a while and have quite a bit of time left and I feel tired, a bit lonely, and unmoored.

I literally could have written this post. Hugs to you...I don't know where to turn either. Feel like I can look back and see how I got here and all the mistakes I made, but it's too late to do anything but have regret and try to salvage something of my life at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. The only way I can improve my mood and outlook is to work outside in my yard, in my garden, staining my deck, any task that is outside. I feel closer to my deceased loved ones who I miss, not in a weird way, but with soft, pleasant memories. Even just 10 minutes watering plants outside helps. I wish I knew why but thought I'd share.

This is the only place I feel peace also. I spend way too much time outside and hate to go back in the house. I have a little couch and fire table on my patio and sometimes sit outside until 1 in the morning and it feels like a mini vacation. I love it. I think we all are drawn to nature this way but many don't notice and live their lives inside buildings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, could you try a balcony garden or houseplants? I'm in a similar place of feeling like I wish I were in the suburbs or just a slightly further out part of my city where I could just go outside and be in green space, but I'm not. I have a tiny bit of outdoor space and made a container garden on my steps this year with random plants on clearance. I've been spending a lot of time observing other people's potted plants, gardens in parks, etc and thinking about what I'd like to either grow from seed in the spring or buy more intentionally next year. I still won't ever have a view of trees out my window, but it's distracting in a good way and neat to be paying attention to something new.

If you can, make a trip to Longwood Gardens in Pennsylvania. If you love flowers and plants, you will be I heaven

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, could you try a balcony garden or houseplants? I'm in a similar place of feeling like I wish I were in the suburbs or just a slightly further out part of my city where I could just go outside and be in green space, but I'm not. I have a tiny bit of outdoor space and made a container garden on my steps this year with random plants on clearance. I've been spending a lot of time observing other people's potted plants, gardens in parks, etc and thinking about what I'd like to either grow from seed in the spring or buy more intentionally next year. I still won't ever have a view of trees out my window, but it's distracting in a good way and neat to be paying attention to something new.

If you can, make a trip to Longwood Gardens in Pennsylvania. If you love flowers and plants, you will be I heaven

I second this recommendation.