I'm having a midlife crisis, looking for advice

[Anonymous]

Sounds like journalling would be a good fit for you.

Also anytime I get into some wallowing in self pity (which lots of regret could certainly feel like) giving back is a solid choice. Some volunteering might help you see a broader world, and that all told, you're doing pretty darn well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had one last year. I listened to a lot of Oprah SuperSoul (some amazing thought and spiritual leaders on her show!), got a lot from Eckhart Tolle’s book a New Earth, a Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. I went to therapy and also occasionally talked to a psychic. Also read additional self-help books by Dr Shefali, Glennon Doyle, Joe Dispenza, basically anything I could get my hands on. This year I am doing much better and feel like a new me.

Forgot to say I also eat really well, get enough sleep, but also spent much more introspective time alone, on long walks and hikes. (I’m usually an extrovert). I did not turn to drugs or alcohol thankfully. The funny thing is, since I was taking such good care of my physical self, I lost weight and looked really good, and no one had any idea I was struggling with my mental health (I told close friends of course).

[Anonymous]

Read “A New Earth” by Echert Tolle

[Anonymous]

The most unhappy years for women are late 40s. It's just life, kids, aging parents, hormones. It gets easier in the 50s. Having a sense of humor and rolling with the changes is the way to go. Your health is your wealth more so now than ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I confess I haven't read it, but I've seen people recommend Anne Morrow Lindbergh's book "Gift from the Sea."

She writes, "Perhaps middle age is, or should be, a period of shedding shells; the shell of ambition, the shell of material accumulations and possessions, the shell of ego. Perhaps one can shed at this stage in life as one sheds in beach living; one's pride, one's false ambitions, one's mask, one's armor. Was that armor not put on to protect one from the competitive world? If one ceases to compete, does one need it? Perhaps one can at last in middle age, if not earlier, be completely oneself. And what a liberation that would be!"

That's a great quote. One nice thing about aging is not caring what people think about you or your life. It's freeing. You can relax, lose your self consciousness and be yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most unhappy years for women are late 40s. It's just life, kids, aging parents, hormones. It gets easier in the 50s. Having a sense of humor and rolling with the changes is the way to go. Your health is your wealth more so now than ever.

Maybe. My 50s are kicking my ass. Teens with issues, a mother with dementia, and my own newly diagnosed chronic illness.

I suffer from serious existential angst right now. What's it all for? What's the point?

I try to do all the right things -- eat right, sleep hygiene, meditate, laugh with friends, etc. At least I am not deeply depressed and I think all my self-help has prevented that. But I feel you, OP. Mid-life is tough.

(BTW-- I love my work, have a great relationship with husband, but I can still do the mental loop-de-loop of paths not taken, mistakes made etc.)

[Anonymous]

This may sound odd. But sometimes I watch dystopian movies or read the books and end up feeling better that life is not (yet—ha, ha) that bleak. Also getting outside every day helps—in the outdoors—a park, a trail, the neighborhood.
I understand how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most unhappy years for women are late 40s. It's just life, kids, aging parents, hormones. It gets easier in the 50s. Having a sense of humor and rolling with the changes is the way to go. Your health is your wealth more so now than ever.

This hasn't been true for me. I'm finding my 60s difficult. My kids are fledging and after decades of dealing with issues with the schools and other adults regarding my child with sns, I feel worn out and cynical. I'm not spiritual/religious and won't find that helpful. Like a poster above alluded to I'm missing the older women around me who were good friends, gave great advice, weren't prone to being competitive or insulting. Everyone around me is younger and seems petty and competitive. So many older friends have died and I feel sad about it. I moved away from many of them when my kids were small and lost touch now to find many are dead. My mom has managed to live a very long life and I feel sad for her. She's lived long enough to see different generations of her friends die and now her sisters gone and she doesn't really have anyone. The indignity of life is that as she becomes more dependent upon others, they aren't there to help. She also isn't comfortable driving and that is killing her social life. I see that this is the future for most of us. We used to have large family gatherings with extended family but through the years people moved across the world and we've lost touch. I miss how life used to be. I miss how nice shopping used to be. Does anyone else remember how good clothes at Woodies used to smell? How nice the stores were? How putting up Christmas decorations wasn't construed as a political statement?

I'm shocked by how stuck in nostalgia I am. I'm not 80. It feels like the world has changed too much for me.

[Anonymous]

NP. The only way I can improve my mood and outlook is to work outside in my yard, in my garden, staining my deck, any task that is outside. I feel closer to my deceased loved ones who I miss, not in a weird way, but with soft, pleasant memories. Even just 10 minutes watering plants outside helps. I wish I knew why but thought I'd share.

[Anonymous]

I'm shocked by how stuck in nostalgia I am. I'm not 80. It feels like the world has changed too much for me.

Same, PP. Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm shocked by how stuck in nostalgia I am. I'm not 80. It feels like the world has changed too much for me.

Same, PP. Same.

Feeling this, too. I think a ton, too, about my parents who have been dead for about 6 -8 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. The only way I can improve my mood and outlook is to work outside in my yard, in my garden, staining my deck, any task that is outside. I feel closer to my deceased loved ones who I miss, not in a weird way, but with soft, pleasant memories. Even just 10 minutes watering plants outside helps. I wish I knew why but thought I'd share.

OP here and this sounds wonderful to me. We currently live in an apartment in the city and all I find myself thinking about lately is how much I want a garden to work in and to spend weekends planting and weeding and pruning. I think this is one of the major sources of my crisis -- we are realizing that we will not be financially able to sell and move out of the city anytime soon because of both stuff with our kids' education and economic factors, and I'm really wishing I'd pushed to take the leap to the suburbs (or even more rural) five years ago when it would have made more sense. I'm trying to find a way to make this life work for me and just feel claustrophobic and stuck.

Maybe I can find a community garden to work in or something. Or just something I could do outside. Thank you for the idea, PP.

And thank you to others for the book recommendations. I have made a list and will look into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. The only way I can improve my mood and outlook is to work outside in my yard, in my garden, staining my deck, any task that is outside. I feel closer to my deceased loved ones who I miss, not in a weird way, but with soft, pleasant memories. Even just 10 minutes watering plants outside helps. I wish I knew why but thought I'd share.

OP here and this sounds wonderful to me. We currently live in an apartment in the city and all I find myself thinking about lately is how much I want a garden to work in and to spend weekends planting and weeding and pruning. I think this is one of the major sources of my crisis -- we are realizing that we will not be financially able to sell and move out of the city anytime soon because of both stuff with our kids' education and economic factors, and I'm really wishing I'd pushed to take the leap to the suburbs (or even more rural) five years ago when it would have made more sense. I'm trying to find a way to make this life work for me and just feel claustrophobic and stuck.

Maybe I can find a community garden to work in or something. Or just something I could do outside. Thank you for the idea, PP.

And thank you to others for the book recommendations. I have made a list and will look into it.

This is interesting. I live in the suburbs and kind of hate it, but the one thing that keeps me sane is my garden. I grow a ton of fruits and vegetable and have a butterfly garden. I think about downsizing to the city when the kids have left, and I always wonder if I will miss my garden. You have me rethinking it.

What city are you in? DC? Maybe we can hep you find a community garden. There's a huge one in NW DC off Macomb, but there is a waitlist I believe.

[Anonymous]

OP, could you try a balcony garden or houseplants? I'm in a similar place of feeling like I wish I were in the suburbs or just a slightly further out part of my city where I could just go outside and be in green space, but I'm not. I have a tiny bit of outdoor space and made a container garden on my steps this year with random plants on clearance. I've been spending a lot of time observing other people's potted plants, gardens in parks, etc and thinking about what I'd like to either grow from seed in the spring or buy more intentionally next year. I still won't ever have a view of trees out my window, but it's distracting in a good way and neat to be paying attention to something new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, could you try a balcony garden or houseplants? I'm in a similar place of feeling like I wish I were in the suburbs or just a slightly further out part of my city where I could just go outside and be in green space, but I'm not. I have a tiny bit of outdoor space and made a container garden on my steps this year with random plants on clearance. I've been spending a lot of time observing other people's potted plants, gardens in parks, etc and thinking about what I'd like to either grow from seed in the spring or buy more intentionally next year. I still won't ever have a view of trees out my window, but it's distracting in a good way and neat to be paying attention to something new.

Where do you live?