I'm having a midlife crisis, looking for advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for that, good to know I'm not alone.

I feel like I should add that I need to do things that don't cost a lot of money. We are very cash strapped at the moment, which is a major trigger for a lot of my feelings of failure/inadequacy. So taking a nice vacation or splurging on clothes or self-care is not an option for me. No risk of me running out and buying a sports car, I guess.

I'm looking more for things I might read or do that could help relieve some of this grief and regret. Like, I don't know, a novel or poem or other book you've read that brought you solace. Or... I'm not religious but I have been thinking lately maybe I need to find some religion, or some kind of community like a religious community. Is that sustaining for people? I am feeling very isolated right now.

Consolation of Philosophy: Boethius

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. The only way I can improve my mood and outlook is to work outside in my yard, in my garden, staining my deck, any task that is outside. I feel closer to my deceased loved ones who I miss, not in a weird way, but with soft, pleasant memories. Even just 10 minutes watering plants outside helps. I wish I knew why but thought I'd share.

OP here and this sounds wonderful to me. We currently live in an apartment in the city and all I find myself thinking about lately is how much I want a garden to work in and to spend weekends planting and weeding and pruning. I think this is one of the major sources of my crisis -- we are realizing that we will not be financially able to sell and move out of the city anytime soon because of both stuff with our kids' education and economic factors, and I'm really wishing I'd pushed to take the leap to the suburbs (or even more rural) five years ago when it would have made more sense. I'm trying to find a way to make this life work for me and just feel claustrophobic and stuck.

Maybe I can find a community garden to work in or something. Or just something I could do outside. Thank you for the idea, PP.

And thank you to others for the book recommendations. I have made a list and will look into it.

This is interesting. I live in the suburbs and kind of hate it, but the one thing that keeps me sane is my garden. I grow a ton of fruits and vegetable and have a butterfly garden. I think about downsizing to the city when the kids have left, and I always wonder if I will miss my garden. You have me rethinking it.

What city are you in? DC? Maybe we can hep you find a community garden. There's a huge one in NW DC off Macomb, but there is a waitlist I believe.

You could look into volunteering at the Food Forest sites. It's fun because they have trees, not just plants.

[Anonymous]

NP here....you definitely aren't alone, OP. I'm 50 and am struggling with a lot of midlife regret-primarily professionally (I chose the wrong career...I know people will say it's never too late to shift gears but at this point I don't have the time and money to spend on getting the education to do what I really want to do). I'm also struggling with the fact that as much as I "do the right thing" in terms of diet, exercise, medication, therapy, etc. my mental health issues haven't gotten much better.

It has been helpful to read all of the suggestions and to also know that others are dealing with/have dealt with similar feelings of regret. OP you've done a good thing just by posting this. I had a really lousy day at work today and was feeling so much shame at not being more professionally accomplished, picking the wrong career, etc...I was in a self-flagellating regret spiral. Seeing this post and all of the responses helped. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may sound odd. But sometimes I watch dystopian movies or read the books and end up feeling better that life is not (yet—ha, ha) that bleak. Also getting outside every day helps—in the outdoors—a park, a trail, the neighborhood.
I understand how you feel.

This doesn't sound odd to me. On a related note, I think about the WWII-era all the time. It helps me buck up to recognize that my life is so much better--compared to many people of that era, I'm so much more secure/safe and so are those around me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, could you try a balcony garden or houseplants? I'm in a similar place of feeling like I wish I were in the suburbs or just a slightly further out part of my city where I could just go outside and be in green space, but I'm not. I have a tiny bit of outdoor space and made a container garden on my steps this year with random plants on clearance. I've been spending a lot of time observing other people's potted plants, gardens in parks, etc and thinking about what I'd like to either grow from seed in the spring or buy more intentionally next year. I still won't ever have a view of trees out my window, but it's distracting in a good way and neat to be paying attention to something new.

Where do you live?

Downtown Frederick, MD. Always thought I'd buy a house with a yard but doesn't look like it's gonna happen.

[Anonymous]

I read about the U-curve of happiness on dcum. If you do a search, the topic pops up quite often. I'm in my late 40s now, whenever I struggle with my kids, marriage, parents, etc, I remind myself that I'm descending to the bottom, that it could be worse, but it will get better.

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/1...risis/382235/?single_page=true

[Anonymous]

NP here -- OP, some potential resources on connecting with nature:

https://www.cityoffrederickmd.gov/1059/Garden-Plots

https://fountainrock.wordpress.com/get-involved/volunteer/

https://www.recreater.com/300/Volunteer-Opportunities

If it's not a volunteer position you're looking for, are there parks or natural areas where you can go for a walk/hike? Can you get outside anywhere even daily for a nice walk?

Do you have a balcony or patio where you could raise some plants? Or do you have space in your apartment for some house plants?

A connection with nature won't solve everything, for sure, but it can be a great source of distraction and comfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you expecting too much? You aren't special. I mean there is nothing especially special about you.

Trying to say this to be helpful, really ... but who doesn't experience "wrong" turns. Why would you be spared this?

To this commenter: Maybe don't comment everything that pops into your head? Spoiler: Your comment wasn't helpful, and made you look like a jerk. Maybe you are a jerk.

To the OP, I think what you're experiencing is actually pretty common. What isn't common is for people to admit it or talk openly about regrets or feelings of failure, especially (I've found) in very driven, competitive communities of type-A people one finds frequently in DC. I think your idea of getting out and doing volunteer work helps, as does therapy. I've personally found that writing down three unique things I'm grateful for at the end of every day helps. (Can be small things, but trying to be specific and not repeat the same things over and over also helps.) You may find that reconnecting with a faith tradition helps, as does giving yourself permission to not be perfect in anything, but to try your best as you are able. I've come to accept that everyone is struggling with different things, but some of those struggles are very public and some are very private. It gives me more compassion for others and for myself. Sending you hugs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: ...How putting up Christmas decorations wasn't construed as a political statement?

I'm shocked by how stuck in nostalgia I am. I'm not 80. It feels like the world has changed too much for me.

I'm a pp checking back on the thread and while I'm worried about climate change and politics, there has been so much positive change. There is more appreciation of diversity, the Internet has brought people together (case in point), women and people of color are advancing (albeit sometimes at a glacial pace), the ability to travel is greater, parents are more involved in bringing up kids, medical knowledge and inventions have advanced, etc. But, with all that said I've definitely worked to embrace change because I don't want the world to pass me by.

Also, I wasn't aware that Christmas decorations were construed as a political statement? If so, it must be a fringe position, which I happily ignore.

[Anonymous]

Definitely can relate to this but probably earlier in life. Used to be fixated on things that don’t matter and felt emptiness and worthlessness. Would try many different jobs but nothing seemed to help. Felt like giving up but thank goodness I kept hanging on in the darkest times.

What helped me was going out to nature like some suggested - like gardens, the sea, stars, hiking, seeing animals in the wild or learning about them. Children are rejuvenating and fun if you can connect with them. Exercise. Finding purpose, and getting out of being too self-involved/ego. Prayer helped a lot. Thoughts are with you.

[Anonymous]

Middle age is tough. You are not alone in these feelings.

I've found that joining meetup groups for activities I like is an easy way to engage with others. It helps my mood to go on a hike with Meetup people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, could you try a balcony garden or houseplants? I'm in a similar place of feeling like I wish I were in the suburbs or just a slightly further out part of my city where I could just go outside and be in green space, but I'm not. I have a tiny bit of outdoor space and made a container garden on my steps this year with random plants on clearance. I've been spending a lot of time observing other people's potted plants, gardens in parks, etc and thinking about what I'd like to either grow from seed in the spring or buy more intentionally next year. I still won't ever have a view of trees out my window, but it's distracting in a good way and neat to be paying attention to something new.

Where do you live?

Downtown Frederick, MD. Always thought I'd buy a house with a yard but doesn't look like it's gonna happen.

I love the canal and Baker(?) park. Lovely green space.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sending you hugs. I think it is normal to go through some funks in middle age. If you are looking for a novel to help you process things, I really liked This Time Tomorrow by Emma Straub. It's about a woman who wakes up on her 40th birthday only to find out that she is 16 again. https://www.nytimes.com/2022/05/17/books/review/emma-straub-this-time-tomorrow.html

[Anonymous]

To paraphrase Sheryl Crow, it's not about getting what you want, it's about wanting what you've got.

As you get older still, you may realize that despite the disappointments of mid-life, things can always get worse -- and likely will. (See: the condition of aging parents)

So the key is living more in the moment, finding joy in small things -- a walk in nature, a good cup of coffee, a catch-up conversation with an old friend -- and letting go of resentments and disappointments as best you can. Your life will not be made better by holding onto them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you expecting too much? You aren't special. I mean there is nothing especially special about you.

Trying to say this to be helpful, really ... but who doesn't experience "wrong" turns. Why would you be spared this?

You have to be a robot to not feel the despair and existential crisis at some stage in life.