Reply to How do I shut down toxic positivity from friends in a nice way?

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[quote=Anonymous]I’m in my late 40s and have two young kids and on the verge of divorcing an abusive, alcoholic husband. It’s probably five years overdue but I’m doing it. It’s obviously hard and sad and I realize that my life as a divorced mom with primary responsibility for two young children and a full time job will be really hard. I don’t have any family help - my dad is elderly, my mom deceased, and my sister is overseas and contending with her own issues. My in laws, unsurprisingly, froze me out the second they learned I was seeking to divorce.

I’ve been in therapy for a while and have prepared as much as I can for the hard realities: I know and am fine with the prospect of never finding romantic love again. I know and am steeling myself for the many challenges I will face trying to parent young kids solo. But the situation at home became awful and visible to my kids.  I have to do this for my kids - and for me.

I have some good friends who know and understand my situation. They’ve been supportive through some dark times. Now, however, I find myself really bothered by what I’d describe as “toxic positivity”. A continually drumbeat of wishful thinking that not only feels really out of touch with what I’m facing but also diminishes the realities of what life will be like for me (will owe alimony to drunk and unstable husband, diminished income, single mother, etc). When I express concerns or worries I get “It’s going to be fine - you never know, you might meet the right person”, or “In no time it will get easier - you’ll feel so good having this behind you,” or “Don’t worry, you can make up the lost $$$” …. These are just not likely true and I get people trying to be upbeat but I’d really like them to cut the BS. Because they know better.

How do I politely let them know that I appreciate the positivity, but the reality is that my life will be hard and I’m not going to find a rainbow and a pot of gold anywhere? There is no white knight. I need them to be supportive without blowing silly sunshine. How do I express this? By the way, I don’t often express my worries - I save that for therapy. But on the rare occasion I do, I get this saccharine Pollyanna stuff. [/quote]

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