SIL left our door open while we were out of town- no apology. Should I say something to her?

[Anonymous]

Very frustrated by this.
SIL asked if she could stay at our house for a few days while we were gone on vacation.
I wasn’t thrilled about it (for variety of reasons) but told dh to tell her fine
SIL and I used to be close years ago, but no longer are. Family drama etc. i am civil to her but we do not have a relationship anymore beyond pleasantries
We arrived home from vacation and our front door was freaking wide open.
Not unlocked. OPEN.
I screamed as we walked up, thinking someone had broken in, etc.
DH walked thru the house said no one inside nothing appeared stolen or broken.
No windows broken or open in house.
Interestingly, a bedroom that i pulled the door closed before we left was wide open.
I said to him- did your freaking sister not lock and close the door??!!
There was an entire week that elapsed between when she left our home and when we arrived.
Dh immediately got defensive of his sister “I’m sure she didn’t mean to. Don’t harp on this it’s a nonisssue.” He called her- her reply “I don’t recall leaving the door unlocked or open.”
And that was that.
Not a word from her. Not a thanks, not a “sorry about the door.” Nothing.
Besides being frustrated as hell about the actual door and my husbands lack of response, I’m floored at SIL.
Reallly? Not even a one line text to apologize? A part of me wants to call her out on it, but unfortunately I know that will lead to extreme drama with DH.

[Anonymous]

Stop.
Pressing.
Return.
After.
Every.
Sentence!!!
!!

[Anonymous]

OP, take a deep breath. While it is most likely the case that she unintentionally left the door open, and that's pretty bad, it's not the only possible explanation. And if she truly doesn't think she left it open, why would she apologize? I would definitely apologize if I thought I even might have left it open, but if I truly thought I didn't, I would not apologize.

It IS possible that there was a break-in, and I wouldn't be so sure that didn't happen. You were gone for longer than the days she stayed there, yes? Break-ins do sometimes happen when people go on vacation.

Bottom line: if she asks to stay in your house again, just tell DH no.

You sound like "extreme drama" yourself, by the way.

[Anonymous]

OP, you said she had not apologized or even said anything about the door being open.

Yes, most of us, when your DH called to ask, would have said, "I don't recall leaving it open but I'm sorry! I hope everything was OK." I get that you want that and she should have apologized. One should apologize for an accident that happens on one's watch, so to speak.

But your post sounds incredibly infuriated, considering nothing was stolen/damaged/rain didn't pour inside/animals didn't infest the house. I'm thinking you're not as angry about the door being open as about your SIL being the one who was there when it happened, since you and she are, let's say, not close. Would you have as visceral a reaction of pure anger if, for instance, some relative of your own whom you like a lot had been the house guest? Ask yourself that.

Again, I think most people would be appalled at themselves if there were even a possibility they left a door open or left it unbolted and it blew open and stayed that way. But you can't control her feelings about it. You can only control your own reaction, and your reaction may be about more than just this door. You can let this boil inside you or you can step back, take a breath, and be grateful that nothing worse happened. I'd be upset too -- my DH left our basement exterior door standing wide open for a whole day recently and animals could have come in etc. -- but all you can DO about it is check carefully after the fact.

[Anonymous]

My cousin actually did this to us for one single day and I had a cow about it lol.

She was probably 19 at the time and Dh and I both got caught up at work (me an emergency and him a delayed flight home from a business trip). We asked her to go let our dog out with the spare key a neighbor had. When we got home around midnight, our door was WIDE OPEN. I'm talking the screen door was flapping the wind and the heavy door was open. Our dog could have left, anyone could have walked in. I also thought we had someone break in. Then I walked in and saw the dishwasher was wide open (??). I'm glad everything was fine, but nope- just a lazy 19yo unaware of her surroundings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, take a deep breath. While it is most likely the case that she unintentionally left the door open, and that's pretty bad, it's not the only possible explanation. And if she truly doesn't think she left it open, why would she apologize? I would definitely apologize if I thought I even might have left it open, but if I truly thought I didn't, I would not apologize.

It IS possible that there was a break-in, and I wouldn't be so sure that didn't happen. You were gone for longer than the days she stayed there, yes? Break-ins do sometimes happen when people go on vacation.

Bottom line: if she asks to stay in your house again, just tell DH no.

You sound like "extreme drama" yourself, by the way.

Op here. 100% agree she won’t be staying here again. If there was a break in, everything valuable is still here and there’s no evidence of anything being messed with. Laptops other electronics all in place and nothing looks off- except for the one open bedroom door.

I would without question apologize if there were even a 1% chance I were responsible. I find the total silence non acknowledgment crazy rude. I heard her on phone when he called- she didn’t even ask if everything looked ok. Just a “ I don’t recall leaving it unlocked/open.”

[Anonymous]

Understandable how that would freak you out.

SIL never stays at your home when you are not there ever again It is non-negotiable, no matter what your spouse says.
It's not happening.

You don't need to tell her the reason. You simply tell her it won't work out, sorry.

[Anonymous]

You need a deep breath and a ring camera. Maybe two deep breaths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, take a deep breath. While it is most likely the case that she unintentionally left the door open, and that's pretty bad, it's not the only possible explanation. And if she truly doesn't think she left it open, why would she apologize? I would definitely apologize if I thought I even might have left it open, but if I truly thought I didn't, I would not apologize.

It IS possible that there was a break-in, and I wouldn't be so sure that didn't happen. You were gone for longer than the days she stayed there, yes? Break-ins do sometimes happen when people go on vacation.

Bottom line: if she asks to stay in your house again, just tell DH no.

You sound like "extreme drama" yourself, by the way.

Op here. 100% agree she won’t be staying here again. If there was a break in, everything valuable is still here and there’s no evidence of anything being messed with. Laptops other electronics all in place and nothing looks off- except for the one open bedroom door.

I would without question apologize if there were even a 1% chance I were responsible. I find the total silence non acknowledgment crazy rude. I heard her on phone when he called- she didn’t even ask if everything looked ok. Just a “ I don’t recall leaving it unlocked/open.”

Well, OK. You are resolved that she won't stay there again, which is fine. And she won't apologize, which you can't control. What now? You want to get your blood pressure higher, or do you want to take a walk and enjoy the beautiful day? Stuff happens. You don't always get the response you want from people. Life goes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you said she had not apologized or even said anything about the door being open.

Yes, most of us, when your DH called to ask, would have said, "I don't recall leaving it open but I'm sorry! I hope everything was OK." I get that you want that and she should have apologized. One should apologize for an accident that happens on one's watch, so to speak.

But your post sounds incredibly infuriated, considering nothing was stolen/damaged/rain didn't pour inside/animals didn't infest the house. I'm thinking you're not as angry about the door being open as about your SIL being the one who was there when it happened, since you and she are, let's say, not close. Would you have as visceral a reaction of pure anger if, for instance, some relative of your own whom you like a lot had been the house guest? Ask yourself that.

Again, I think most people would be appalled at themselves if there were even a possibility they left a door open or left it unbolted and it blew open and stayed that way. But you can't control her feelings about it. You can only control your own reaction, and your reaction may be about more than just this door. You can let this boil inside you or you can step back, take a breath, and be grateful that nothing worse happened. I'd be upset too -- my DH left our basement exterior door standing wide open for a whole day recently and animals could have come in etc. -- but all you can DO about it is check carefully after the fact.

Op here. I intentionally mentioned that we are not close to give the full honest picture. So of course I agree that my anger here is exacerbated. I can own up to that. If my sibling did the same thing and didn’t even attempt to show concern or take inkling of responsibility- yea I would be frustrated too! But it’s hard to imagine. Even thogiht I don’t care for her, if SIL simply got on the phone, sent a text or an email saying “thanks for letting me stay there. Sorry about the door!” This would be a non issue. I would think she was careless and absentminded, but I’d be over it.

And for the record this is someone in her 40s, not teenager. She should know better.

[Anonymous]

I’m glad nothing was stolen, OP. You have every right to be furious.

I doubt she intentionally left the door wide open, but she obviously didn’t lock the door or check that it was completely closed, so no – she never stays there without you again.

That’s as good as it gets. She’s not going to apologize and waiting for an apology will just keep you angry. There’s nothing more to be done about it. Having been robbed 2x (different cities), it is a horribly violating experience.

Sounds like she has (had?) a key to your house. Changing your locks might help you feel like you’re taking action and doing something while making sure she doesn’t have the opportunity to accidentally make that same mistake again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you said she had not apologized or even said anything about the door being open.

Yes, most of us, when your DH called to ask, would have said, "I don't recall leaving it open but I'm sorry! I hope everything was OK." I get that you want that and she should have apologized. One should apologize for an accident that happens on one's watch, so to speak.

But your post sounds incredibly infuriated, considering nothing was stolen/damaged/rain didn't pour inside/animals didn't infest the house. I'm thinking you're not as angry about the door being open as about your SIL being the one who was there when it happened, since you and she are, let's say, not close. Would you have as visceral a reaction of pure anger if, for instance, some relative of your own whom you like a lot had been the house guest? Ask yourself that.

Again, I think most people would be appalled at themselves if there were even a possibility they left a door open or left it unbolted and it blew open and stayed that way. But you can't control her feelings about it. You can only control your own reaction, and your reaction may be about more than just this door. You can let this boil inside you or you can step back, take a breath, and be grateful that nothing worse happened. I'd be upset too -- my DH left our basement exterior door standing wide open for a whole day recently and animals could have come in etc. -- but all you can DO about it is check carefully after the fact.

Op here. I intentionally mentioned that we are not close to give the full honest picture. So of course I agree that my anger here is exacerbated. I can own up to that. If my sibling did the same thing and didn’t even attempt to show concern or take inkling of responsibility- yea I would be frustrated too! But it’s hard to imagine. Even thogiht I don’t care for her, if SIL simply got on the phone, sent a text or an email saying “thanks for letting me stay there. Sorry about the door!” This would be a non issue. I would think she was careless and absentminded, but I’d be over it.

And for the record this is someone in her 40s, not teenager. She should know better.

And? So what's next? Decide not to let her stay there again: check. Keep fuming, or move on with your day? Which one are you going to check?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m glad nothing was stolen, OP. You have every right to be furious.

I doubt she intentionally left the door wide open, but she obviously didn’t lock the door or check that it was completely closed, so no – she never stays there without you again.

That’s as good as it gets. She’s not going to apologize and waiting for an apology will just keep you angry. There’s nothing more to be done about it. Having been robbed 2x (different cities), it is a horribly violating experience.

Sounds like she has (had?) a key to your house. Changing your locks might help you feel like you’re taking action and doing something while making sure she doesn’t have the opportunity to accidentally make that same mistake again.

Dh coordinated to get a key to her before we left. She’s supposed to mail the key back. She does not live locally. She flew into our town to essentially vacation while we were gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m glad nothing was stolen, OP. You have every right to be furious.

I doubt she intentionally left the door wide open, but she obviously didn’t lock the door or check that it was completely closed, so no – she never stays there without you again.

That’s as good as it gets. She’s not going to apologize and waiting for an apology will just keep you angry. There’s nothing more to be done about it. Having been robbed 2x (different cities), it is a horribly violating experience.

Sounds like she has (had?) a key to your house. Changing your locks might help you feel like you’re taking action and doing something while making sure she doesn’t have the opportunity to accidentally make that same mistake again.

Op back to add- I’m very sorry about your robberies.

[Anonymous]

The solution to your issue seems so obvious that I feel foolish for mentioning it.

Go to her home when she's not there, drink a bottle of her scotch, leave the door open and leave. Not just unlocked, OPEN.