SIL left our door open while we were out of town- no apology. Should I say something to her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given your relationship with her, you know very well it is pointless to engage on this.

Unless you are still picking for a fight. And you shouldn’t.

Stop. Breathe and protect your relationship with your husband and your sanity.

Set firm boundaries and anytime asked, remind why.

Op here. Thanks. It’s frustrating situation with dh and his willingness to say no/push back on me but never on his family of origin.
I needed to vent. I know there’s nothing good to come out of my saying something to her. It wouid feel good for a moment, but nothing positive would happen after!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your H's lack of reaction or rather immediate defensiveness makes me think there's a history of you complaining about SIL to him and he's sensitive to it.

Any normal person would be furious. If my sibling, whom I love deeply, did this to our house I'd be very upset along with my spouse.

Definitely get a camera for the door.

Op here. Ding ding ding! He is allergic to criticism of anyone in his family. The denial runs deep.
I have complained about SIL in the past. The big one was when she asked for a login/password to watch a show that was included for free on one of our accounts, then proceeded to BUY additional shows and movies but didn’t tell us. When I was looking at credit card bill, I noticed charges that seemed odd, and realized she had purchased movies and just charged it to the default payment method. She never said a word. Spoiler alert- i was livid. When dh asked her about it, she said yes I bought the movies. No apology. Spoiler alert- he defended her and said he would pay for the movies. “What’s the big deal it’s not that much money just movies.”

Same pattern at work here. I feel like I’m painted as the overreacter and he defends her with no harm or not a big deal.

You are overreacting, though. "Livid" is not really the right reaction to some movie charges. I would be annoyed and then I would change my password and decline to let her use the subscriptions services again. She sounds like a careless mooch, which is not really a furious/livid/lose you sh!t over situation. If you go in with guns blazing blowing a situation out of proportion, you DH is more likely to be defensive.

Op here. I consider knowingly charging something to someone’s credit card, without the decency to ask or say something, akin to stealing. At best, it’s mooching. At worst, it’s being shady.

Right, but you do know that the only person you hurt by becoming overly outraged in this situation is yourself? You let your SIL take up prime real estate in your brain that could be used for other things. This is not that big of a deal. Cut off access, deny her any ability to use it in the future, and then forget about it. The joke's on you for reacting this way.

Op here. I hear you.
A part of me wishes dh would open his eyes and see her for who she is.
But he won’t. His own words to me when both things happened included the phrase “I intentionally forget things, Otherwise I’d be upset frustrated a lot”

[Anonymous]

My niece stayed with me once to attend a class in DC. She got up early and left to catch the metro and left my apartment door wide open, no screen or storm door, just a wide open front door to my apartment. I found it when I got up hours later. I was pretty annoyed but didn't say anything to her. I know she didn't do it on purpose, she just didn't pull the door tightly shut when she left and it didn't latch.

If she stayed again I would remind her the door needs to be pulled shut carefully when she leaves. I would also likely get up and check to make sure she did it.

I think the main reason you are so upset is because it involves an inlaw. It appears that most people have less than warm feelings for their inlaws. Well, actually it's more like most women, I don't think men have this same reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your H's lack of reaction or rather immediate defensiveness makes me think there's a history of you complaining about SIL to him and he's sensitive to it.

Any normal person would be furious. If my sibling, whom I love deeply, did this to our house I'd be very upset along with my spouse.

Definitely get a camera for the door.

Op here. Ding ding ding! He is allergic to criticism of anyone in his family. The denial runs deep.
I have complained about SIL in the past. The big one was when she asked for a login/password to watch a show that was included for free on one of our accounts, then proceeded to BUY additional shows and movies but didn’t tell us. When I was looking at credit card bill, I noticed charges that seemed odd, and realized she had purchased movies and just charged it to the default payment method. She never said a word. Spoiler alert- i was livid. When dh asked her about it, she said yes I bought the movies. No apology. Spoiler alert- he defended her and said he would pay for the movies. “What’s the big deal it’s not that much money just movies.”

Same pattern at work here. I feel like I’m painted as the overreacter and he defends her with no harm or not a big deal.

You are overreacting, though. "Livid" is not really the right reaction to some movie charges. I would be annoyed and then I would change my password and decline to let her use the subscriptions services again. She sounds like a careless mooch, which is not really a furious/livid/lose you sh!t over situation. If you go in with guns blazing blowing a situation out of proportion, you DH is more likely to be defensive.

Op here. I consider knowingly charging something to someone’s credit card, without the decency to ask or say something, akin to stealing. At best, it’s mooching. At worst, it’s being shady.

Right, but you do know that the only person you hurt by becoming overly outraged in this situation is yourself? You let your SIL take up prime real estate in your brain that could be used for other things. This is not that big of a deal. Cut off access, deny her any ability to use it in the future, and then forget about it. The joke's on you for reacting this way.

Op here. I hear you.
A part of me wishes dh would open his eyes and see her for who she is.
But he won’t. His own words to me when both things happened included the phrase “I intentionally forget things, Otherwise I’d be upset frustrated a lot”

NP. That sounds to me like his eyes are open and he is actively choosing his relationship with his sister over her horribly rude and idiotic behavior. Don’t get me wrong, OP, I’d also have been furious. However, I have a lifetime best friend that is this level of oblivious and sometimes-stupid (and also borderline rude because she doesn’t seem the consequences of her oblivion and stupidity) and I have to just take a long breath a lot of time with her, because her in my life is more important than my blowing up about things. (Which I sometimes really really want to do.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your H's lack of reaction or rather immediate defensiveness makes me think there's a history of you complaining about SIL to him and he's sensitive to it.

Any normal person would be furious. If my sibling, whom I love deeply, did this to our house I'd be very upset along with my spouse.

Definitely get a camera for the door.

Op here. Ding ding ding! He is allergic to criticism of anyone in his family. The denial runs deep.
I have complained about SIL in the past. The big one was when she asked for a login/password to watch a show that was included for free on one of our accounts, then proceeded to BUY additional shows and movies but didn’t tell us. When I was looking at credit card bill, I noticed charges that seemed odd, and realized she had purchased movies and just charged it to the default payment method. She never said a word. Spoiler alert- i was livid. When dh asked her about it, she said yes I bought the movies. No apology. Spoiler alert- he defended her and said he would pay for the movies. “What’s the big deal it’s not that much money just movies.”

Same pattern at work here. I feel like I’m painted as the overreacter and he defends her with no harm or not a big deal.

You are overreacting, though. "Livid" is not really the right reaction to some movie charges. I would be annoyed and then I would change my password and decline to let her use the subscriptions services again. She sounds like a careless mooch, which is not really a furious/livid/lose you sh!t over situation. If you go in with guns blazing blowing a situation out of proportion, you DH is more likely to be defensive.

Op here. I consider knowingly charging something to someone’s credit card, without the decency to ask or say something, akin to stealing. At best, it’s mooching. At worst, it’s being shady.

Right, but you do know that the only person you hurt by becoming overly outraged in this situation is yourself? You let your SIL take up prime real estate in your brain that could be used for other things. This is not that big of a deal. Cut off access, deny her any ability to use it in the future, and then forget about it. The joke's on you for reacting this way.

Op here. I hear you.
A part of me wishes dh would open his eyes and see her for who she is.
But he won’t. His own words to me when both things happened included the phrase “I intentionally forget things, Otherwise I’d be upset frustrated a lot”

NP. That sounds to me like his eyes are open and he is actively choosing his relationship with his sister over her horribly rude and idiotic behavior. Don’t get me wrong, OP, I’d also have been furious. However, I have a lifetime best friend that is this level of oblivious and sometimes-stupid (and also borderline rude because she doesn’t seem the consequences of her oblivion and stupidity) and I have to just take a long breath a lot of time with her, because her in my life is more important than my blowing up about things. (Which I sometimes really really want to do.)

Op here.Thanks for this.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you not know any of your neighbors? If my door was wide open FOR A WEEK, I would have neighbors calling/texting me to see if everything was ok. I think it's pretty unusual that no one in your neighborhood thought a wide open door, 24/7 for 7 days was normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you not know any of your neighbors? If my door was wide open FOR A WEEK, I would have neighbors calling/texting me to see if everything was ok. I think it's pretty unusual that no one in your neighborhood thought a wide open door, 24/7 for 7 days was normal.

New construction subdivision

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you not know any of your neighbors? If my door was wide open FOR A WEEK, I would have neighbors calling/texting me to see if everything was ok. I think it's pretty unusual that no one in your neighborhood thought a wide open door, 24/7 for 7 days was normal.

New construction subdivision

Literally all other properties empty? Because in my neighborhood, if we didn’t know the people well enough to call or text them (or find someone on the street with their contact info), we’d call the police.

I’m starting to sense a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you not know any of your neighbors? If my door was wide open FOR A WEEK, I would have neighbors calling/texting me to see if everything was ok. I think it's pretty unusual that no one in your neighborhood thought a wide open door, 24/7 for 7 days was normal.

New construction subdivision

Literally all other properties empty? Because in my neighborhood, if we didn’t know the people well enough to call or text them (or find someone on the street with their contact info), we’d call the police.

I’m starting to sense a troll.

Op here. I wish I were making this up. No one wants to come home at 10pm with little kids from vacation and see your front door open.
There are 2 other occupied homes in our cul de sac. One family Is out of the country. Don’t know the other owner.

[Anonymous]

OP, given all the additional context you’ve provided, would your husband be open to a few sessions of marriage counseling? His desire to avoid conflict/make excuses for sister/dismiss your very legitimate concerns is less than ideal. I can’t believe a woman in her 40s is acting like this!

[Anonymous]

Well, at least you know your neighborhood is safe! I

[Anonymous]

Why is the thread title all about your SIL when CLEARLY what you have is a DH problem?

[Anonymous]

OP has a SIL problem because she has a husband problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, is it possible that you did have a break in that was disrupted ,or a break in where the person didn’t find anything accessible?

Do you have any type of video security to check these things?

[Anonymous]

Has your husband come around yet that it is ludicrous not to lock up the front door when leaving the house?

Does he admit to hat she also went snooping into tiger closed doors rooms and deliberately or accidentally left those doors open?

Yes, HE needs to tell her how shocked and disturbed HE is that he found this at his house. Even if she had ADD or autism or is just a nasty person, she needs to be told how horrifying and risky this was to discover. If she asks about future visits, tell her No, you all need time.