How to interpret a "no children" wedding invitation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who have no kids weddings (especially when the kids are family) are the same people who expect their bridesmaids or groomsmen to spend $1500 on a bachelor/ette weekend and who think of their wedding as a showcase for their narcissistic tendencies. They are tiresome. I’d decline because it’s not covid safe and send a check for a fraction of the cost of a trip out there. It’s almost insulting to be invited across the country when you have a 13 year old and be told the 13 year old cannot come. WTF.

You kid isn't the Christ Child.

I’ve been invited to two weddings since my kids were born, I attended one and stayed home for the other. If I can’t even make a vacation out of a trip to some craphole town for your wedding, I’m not spending the money on your princess day. But I did invite all my young nieces and nephews (married into a big family) when we were married. It really made the day so much more joyous and I’m glad I didn’t let my side of the family pressure me into a no kids wedding. Those kids are my family now. They have happy memories of our wedding. Why are people so bothered by children? I think there’s a lot of trauma under these weird expectations for weddings and hatred of kids. Kids are for the most part better than adults. Nothing worse than your d-bag 20-something friends getting smashed, requesting stupid songs, being obnoxious, and hooking up with each other during a wedding.

I think just declining is perfectly fine! You got to have the wedding you wanted, so did they, and I suspect no one was crushed that you didn’t attend.

[Anonymous]

I have a giant extended family and I decline wedding invitations all the time. The young cousins do it frequently, especially the ones with young kids. The empty nesters go to more of them. First cousins almost always go. And it is completely fine! Everyone is happy. No one is upset by someone declining - most people would be in a bit of a bind if everyone rsvped yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has the OP been back?

Not yet, my guess is she is still sleeping. She posted at nearly 3am. This thread just exploded since then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's no interpretation needed. No children mean no, they aren't invited. It's not a slight to your family - it's not about the extended family it’s about the couple.

Go and the kids can entertain themselves for an evening at the hotel. Maybe they can join in there's a brunch or something the next day.

At their ages, they understand adults only & probably wouldn't have much fun anyway at a wedding.

If it’s only about the couple, then I would wish them happiness and good health from the East Coast. That’s all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's no interpretation needed. No children mean no, they aren't invited. It's not a slight to your family - it's not about the extended family it’s about the couple.

Go and the kids can entertain themselves for an evening at the hotel. Maybe they can join in there's a brunch or something the next day.

At their ages, they understand adults only & probably wouldn't have much fun anyway at a wedding.

If it’s only about the couple, then I would wish them happiness and good health from the East Coast. That’s all.

It is only about the couple, and that's what the "send regrets" check box is for, so use it. That's all.

[Anonymous]

I think it's pretty clear from the invitation that this wedding is for 21+ only, and that's okay people get to choose the kind fo wedding they want be it kids or no kids, in a church, in a grand hall or in the backyard. You can decline if you don't wish to arrange for care for your kids, but you don't get to be spiteful to your cousin or other family members or friends because they chose to do something different for their wedding than you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“No kids” family events are such dick moves.

Being so entitled as to think of a ceremony between two people as a “family event” is a dick move. Want a family reunion? Plan, organize and PAY FOR ONE, cheapskate.

In my extended family these are absolutely family events. Out of 16 cousins only one - the very youngest - had a “no kids” wedding.

Probably because they knew it would be mass chaos of screaming, crying, and a all-you-can eat buffet rather than a seated, plated dinner. Don't blame them.

Uh, nope. All the weddings have been seated, plated dinners, no screaming and crying. Lots of kids on the dance floor.

The no-kids wedding was very nice too. Though as someone else noted, it featured a lot of 20-somethings getting drunk, which none of the more family-oriented weddings did!

I can do either. Just pointing out that some of these assumptions are really about your families and if others do it differently from you, it's just different, not wrong. My cousins live all over the country now but we all lived in two states and visited frequently when we were kids. So big events -- weddings, holidays, occasional great-grandparents' birthdays -- really are a giant family reunion. As we get older not everyone can come, but most people really do try. The last cousin's no-kid wedding was a surprise because it was so different from the others -- in fact as the youngest, he attended several of these weddings when he himself was a child and teenager -- but, you know, whatever. It was fine. It definitely cut down on attendance but those of us who went had a nice time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask. We had a weird situation where we weren't going to attend a family wedding because it was "no kids" but when the parents of the bride heard this, we were informed that kids within the close family could come. The couple was later among their friend group to marry so if everyone brought kids it would have been like a toddler daycare. We triple checked with the couple because we didn't want to appear presumptuous, and made it clear that we were fine either way, just wanted to clarify.

+1

+2 and the most recent invitation I got was a card with details on the website, not an inner/outer envelope thing. Plus, not all of us have the Rules of Etiquette memorized or on our bedside tables. As it happens, I'm the matron of honor in this wedding so there is no way I'd have brought my kids. And the invitation just said "Ms. So-and-so and Mr. So-and-so." So it didn't even cross my mind to bring the kids and we RSVPd for just the two of us. And then a month before the wedding my friend calls and says "what will the kids want in a kids meal" and I said "what? they weren't invited" and she said "oh no, we just assumed everyone would bring their kids!" And this, by the way, is a friend who actually does have the Rules of Etiquette on her bedside table and in fact gave me a copy as a gift when we were younger. (I used it as bedtime reading - it would put me to sleep after just a page.)

TLDR, it never hurts to ask nicely rather than assume.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“No kids” family events are such dick moves.

Being so entitled as to think of a ceremony between two people as a “family event” is a dick move. Want a family reunion? Plan, organize and PAY FOR ONE, cheapskate.

In my extended family these are absolutely family events. Out of 16 cousins only one - the very youngest - had a “no kids” wedding.

Probably because they knew it would be mass chaos of screaming, crying, and a all-you-can eat buffet rather than a seated, plated dinner. Don't blame them.

Uh, nope. All the weddings have been seated, plated dinners, no screaming and crying. Lots of kids on the dance floor.

The no-kids wedding was very nice too. Though as someone else noted, it featured a lot of 20-somethings getting drunk, which none of the more family-oriented weddings did!

I can do either. Just pointing out that some of these assumptions are really about your families and if others do it differently from you, it's just different, not wrong. My cousins live all over the country now but we all lived in two states and visited frequently when we were kids. So big events -- weddings, holidays, occasional great-grandparents' birthdays -- really are a giant family reunion. As we get older not everyone can come, but most people really do try. The last cousin's no-kid wedding was a surprise because it was so different from the others -- in fact as the youngest, he attended several of these weddings when he himself was a child and teenager -- but, you know, whatever. It was fine. It definitely cut down on attendance but those of us who went had a nice time.

NP here. You say you aren't assuming, but you are/ Your post is full of judgment for people who don't have kids at their wedding. I've been to weddings with kids and weddings without. At the family weddings as you call them I have seen kids running wild and adults getting drunk.. I have also been to family weddings where it doesn't happen.
Maybe your cousin didn't enjoy having to attend all those weddings as a kid and decided to have mercy on the younger generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask. We had a weird situation where we weren't going to attend a family wedding because it was "no kids" but when the parents of the bride heard this, we were informed that kids within the close family could come. The couple was later among their friend group to marry so if everyone brought kids it would have been like a toddler daycare. We triple checked with the couple because we didn't want to appear presumptuous, and made it clear that we were fine either way, just wanted to clarify.

+1

+2 and the most recent invitation I got was a card with details on the website, not an inner/outer envelope thing. Plus, not all of us have the Rules of Etiquette memorized or on our bedside tables. As it happens, I'm the matron of honor in this wedding so there is no way I'd have brought my kids. And the invitation just said "Ms. So-and-so and Mr. So-and-so." So it didn't even cross my mind to bring the kids and we RSVPd for just the two of us. And then a month before the wedding my friend calls and says "what will the kids want in a kids meal" and I said "what? they weren't invited" and she said "oh no, we just assumed everyone would bring their kids!" And this, by the way, is a friend who actually does have the Rules of Etiquette on her bedside table and in fact gave me a copy as a gift when we were younger. (I used it as bedtime reading - it would put me to sleep after just a page.)

TLDR, it never hurts to ask nicely rather than assume.

It's rude to ask when the invitation itself has all the answers:

If the kids' names don't appear on the invitation, they are not invited. You can be DOUBLY sure of this when the bride and groom have specified that the venue doesn't allow for underage guests.

Don't be rude and put people on the spot and press and pry. It is unbelievable how tacky some of you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask. We had a weird situation where we weren't going to attend a family wedding because it was "no kids" but when the parents of the bride heard this, we were informed that kids within the close family could come. The couple was later among their friend group to marry so if everyone brought kids it would have been like a toddler daycare. We triple checked with the couple because we didn't want to appear presumptuous, and made it clear that we were fine either way, just wanted to clarify.

+1

+2 and the most recent invitation I got was a card with details on the website, not an inner/outer envelope thing. Plus, not all of us have the Rules of Etiquette memorized or on our bedside tables. As it happens, I'm the matron of honor in this wedding so there is no way I'd have brought my kids. And the invitation just said "Ms. So-and-so and Mr. So-and-so." So it didn't even cross my mind to bring the kids and we RSVPd for just the two of us. And then a month before the wedding my friend calls and says "what will the kids want in a kids meal" and I said "what? they weren't invited" and she said "oh no, we just assumed everyone would bring their kids!" And this, by the way, is a friend who actually does have the Rules of Etiquette on her bedside table and in fact gave me a copy as a gift when we were younger. (I used it as bedtime reading - it would put me to sleep after just a page.)

TLDR, it never hurts to ask nicely rather than assume.

Assume this PP kids were on the 2nd or 3rd invite wave. 1st is the actual invite core that get save the dates, 2nd gets invites but is by group could be friends of parents plus a block or co-workers or people from an activity or volunteer work, 3rd is calling specific people and letting them bring kids or plus ones based on open seats and rsvp NO. This can happen to fill a food and beverage minimum for a specific head count.

People that went to some as children or teens and go adults only might have decided based on their own experiences to go adults only. What amazes me is when people have giant weddings and it's no kids despite kids of siblings etc. Then when they have kids expect even others having small weddings to bump guests for their kids.

[Anonymous]

If my niece marrying in Portugal sends me a “no children” invitation in fhe middle of a pandemic, I wouldn’t attend.

[Anonymous]

Let your kids hang out at the hotel and order room service. They’ll be fine. This isn’t a slight to your kids, the venue may have a 21+ requirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would skip the wedding on principal. I get that the couple has the “right” to ban kids … but then I also have the right not to go.

^ Just ask what it means! You don't know if the bride and groom meant for no kids to mean no little kids or no older kids, or no one under 21 or no one under 18, or what.

How obtuse. The people who are invited are the ones with their names. On. The. Invitation.

Stoop wheedling, whining, negotiating, and feigning ignorance.

Jesus F Christie lady, some of us have good relationships with our families and can ask them about ambiguities without it being a federal case. I'm sorry you have so little trust in your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are teens -- 13 and 16. After twice delaying, our niece has finally settled on a wedding date in September. We bought the tickets, RSVPed, and tonight I was looking for her wedding registry when my eyes came accross their no-children policy: "Also, because our celebration will be at a brewery we request no children during the event. "

So... is this mean as nobody under 21? Nobody under 18? No young kids? yes for the older teen but no for the younger one?

The wedding is on the west coast, and it would be our first travel since covid. Kids are not in need of babysitting, but are old enough to be disappointed for not being able to attend their cousin's wedding. Not old enough to leave them home for a few days, but do we fly accross the States through the remains of the pandemics just for half the family to not be able to attend?

We have a large extended family, and have always cherished graduations, weddings or annual celebrations as ways to get together with loved ones. We have not had a chance to do any one of those things post covid, and this is a first event in our family. We are the youngest, and our children are the youngest among the cousins, all of whom are drinking age. So they will be, along with the younger generation of toddlers, the single ones of their cousins uninvited.

Would you politely decline?

I'd decline for several reasons. And you truly will survive missing one event. You will.