Thrivers (book), raising kids in a pressure cooker area

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone read this book? It was recommended to me and some many of the descriptions of the kids remind me of kids in the DMV area. Just reading DCUM is exhausting as a parent. The expectations on kids to be perfect at every turn. Being good enough is no longer enough. The kid must be in GT/AAP, excel in EC, start sports at a young age, take tons of APs. In a highly rated public or private school, not some mediocre school! And even with all of that, college admissions are crazy hard. There was a much bigger margin of error when I was growing up. Perfection was not an expectation. According to the book’s author, something has to give because kids are experiencing record levels of depression and anxiety. They have perfect applications and resumes but are miserable and can’t function in the real world. And it’s a fine line in this area between encouraging your kids to do well and being an overbearing parent who pushes a kid too hard. Thoughts? Have you seen this? How do you handle it as a parent?

This is why I'm moving out of the Wootton district. My kid is just fine at school and activities, but he's not great. He's not high achieving. He's well rounded and average in many things. And living in this culture is doing a number on him. So I'm looking for something more reflective of regular American life. He will do fine in life with a career, etc. It just might take him a bit longer to get there. But I need his mental health to be solid.

Thanks for brining the book to my attention. I will check it out.

+1. Left Wootton for the same reason. Found that there was too much of a difference between our notion of childhood (and our parenting style) and our neighbors from Russia, Taiwan, South Korea, South Asia.

Well I'm a parent from Russia, and while I don't know exactly what you mean by the Russian notion of childhood, most of the Russian parents I know are doing what we're doing not necessarily because we want our kids ahead of the pack. It's because we remember our own childhood and while we like this country, we are appalled by the elementary years education even in the better schools. The utter lack of rigor, no homework, no textbooks, no system, no foundation set for the future, no classics, no foreign language, no algebra until god knows when, the complete absence of academic music schools, the amateurish quality of arts and music instruction...the list of goes. So we have to compensate it with extracurriculars outside of school. That's why we put our kids into RSMs, AoPSs, private music, ballet, what have you. We don't want them to miss what we had, even in our restricted, poor, under-resourced but over-educated country.

In fact, while I don't exactly understand this decision, a Russian-American family we know is relocating to Moscow when their youngest hits 5. They want the kids to have the benefit of rigorous, free schooling with cheap, high-quality extracurriculars.

How is that school free? the price they will pay includes living in a dictatorship.

Democracies don't have to have poor schools, and even dictatorial countries can have some things worth imitating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can widen your perspective as to what is a "good" college. I think if you are a parent who went to a highly ranked school (which you probably wouldn't have gotten into today) it can be harder to accept that lots of colleges can lead to a solid career and a happy life but that is the reality. Give yourself some credit that your success was not about you than your specific college.

DH and I both went to regional public universities and have done well. I had to turn down big name schools because of the cost. Now I see that HS classmates who went to those seem to be doing about the same. I also see that my work peers went to a wide range of colleges. My kids will be fine.

+1

If you think that there are three or five or ten "good colleges, it's going to be REALLY hard to escape the pressure cooker. If you recognize that there are dozens of good schools that set kids up for a career and a good life, it's much easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone read this book? It was recommended to me and some many of the descriptions of the kids remind me of kids in the DMV area. Just reading DCUM is exhausting as a parent. The expectations on kids to be perfect at every turn. Being good enough is no longer enough. The kid must be in GT/AAP, excel in EC, start sports at a young age, take tons of APs. In a highly rated public or private school, not some mediocre school! And even with all of that, college admissions are crazy hard. There was a much bigger margin of error when I was growing up. Perfection was not an expectation. According to the book’s author, something has to give because kids are experiencing record levels of depression and anxiety. They have perfect applications and resumes but are miserable and can’t function in the real world. And it’s a fine line in this area between encouraging your kids to do well and being an overbearing parent who pushes a kid too hard. Thoughts? Have you seen this? How do you handle it as a parent?

This is why I'm moving out of the Wootton district. My kid is just fine at school and activities, but he's not great. He's not high achieving. He's well rounded and average in many things. And living in this culture is doing a number on him. So I'm looking for something more reflective of regular American life. He will do fine in life with a career, etc. It just might take him a bit longer to get there. But I need his mental health to be solid.

Thanks for brining the book to my attention. I will check it out.

+1. Left Wootton for the same reason. Found that there was too much of a difference between our notion of childhood (and our parenting style) and our neighbors from Russia, Taiwan, South Korea, South Asia.

Well I'm a parent from Russia, and while I don't know exactly what you mean by the Russian notion of childhood, most of the Russian parents I know are doing what we're doing not necessarily because we want our kids ahead of the pack. It's because we remember our own childhood and while we like this country, we are appalled by the elementary years education even in the better schools. The utter lack of rigor, no homework, no textbooks, no system, no foundation set for the future, no classics, no foreign language, no algebra until god knows when, the complete absence of academic music schools, the amateurish quality of arts and music instruction...the list of goes. So we have to compensate it with extracurriculars outside of school. That's why we put our kids into RSMs, AoPSs, private music, ballet, what have you. We don't want them to miss what we had, even in our restricted, poor, under-resourced but over-educated country.

In fact, while I don't exactly understand this decision, a Russian-American family we know is relocating to Moscow when their youngest hits 5. They want the kids to have the benefit of rigorous, free schooling with cheap, high-quality extracurriculars.

How is that school free? the price they will pay includes living in a dictatorship.

Democracies don't have to have poor schools, and even dictatorial countries can have some things worth imitating.

sure, just don't support the wrong candidate or be the wrong religion. Dictatorships take cancel culture a lot more literally

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can widen your perspective as to what is a "good" college. I think if you are a parent who went to a highly ranked school (which you probably wouldn't have gotten into today) it can be harder to accept that lots of colleges can lead to a solid career and a happy life but that is the reality. Give yourself some credit that your success was not about you than your specific college.

DH and I both went to regional public universities and have done well. I had to turn down big name schools because of the cost. Now I see that HS classmates who went to those seem to be doing about the same. I also see that my work peers went to a wide range of colleges. My kids will be fine.

Totally agree with this. I went to an ivy league, but followed my passions into a city government job where I've been since 2007. I love it. I'm surrounded by colleagues with a variety of educational paths, including other "top" colleges, city and state schools, etc. We have a passion for the work in common and there is probably a correlation between the top college graduates and success within the bureaucracy of city gov, but I wouldn't credit the college on their resume, per se, with that correlation. I think I would have ended up at the same place with the same salary if I'd gone to any number of lower tier and less expensive schools. I want to make that clear to my kids!

I went to an Ivy League school and my husband went to a state school. I also went to private K-12 and he went public the whole way. He out-earns me.

Gender pay inequality though? This would be a more convincing story if the public-educated woman were to earn more than the private-educated woman, which is rare.

It's possible although I started my career with the government, so I was paid the same as every other person at my GS level, man or woman. I was also promoted the same. Now that I'm in the private sector I earn more than I did at the government, so I don't think I'm held back by my gender but I could be wrong. I make pretty good money, too, but my husband makes more. Granted, we don't do the same thing, but I'm a lawyer, so I'm not in a low-earning area or anything.

[Anonymous]

Is it ok if I revive this thread? Lol. I just have a shitton of anxiety about the future (automation, increasing income inequality) and I want my kid to my a have, not a have not. I’ve read Thrivers and a lot of it goes against my anxious nature — I don’t really trust my kid to find the right interests. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

1) the “in-demand” professions of today will probably not be so in demand in 10-20 years…
2) haves and have-nots only? Please. This country still has a huge middle class.
3) teach your kids how to have a happy existence without needing a bunch of money
4) I am raising actual people, not just future college students

Most of y’all are nutjobs, quite frankly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it ok if I revive this thread? Lol. I just have a shitton of anxiety about the future (automation, increasing income inequality) and I want my kid to my a have, not a have not. I’ve read Thrivers and a lot of it goes against my anxious nature — I don’t really trust my kid to find the right interests. Sigh.

Same. I was a lackadaisical student, at best, and a total slacker in high school. I've spent my 20s and 30s playing catch up to my peers, and it made life much harder for me. I was raised solidly middle class to well-educated parents who expected me to find my own interests. I intend to provide more structure and focus on achievement for my own kids. Not Tiger Mom level, but definitely more than I received.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone read this book? It was recommended to me and some many of the descriptions of the kids remind me of kids in the DMV area. Just reading DCUM is exhausting as a parent. The expectations on kids to be perfect at every turn. Being good enough is no longer enough. The kid must be in GT/AAP, excel in EC, start sports at a young age, take tons of APs. In a highly rated public or private school, not some mediocre school! And even with all of that, college admissions are crazy hard. There was a much bigger margin of error when I was growing up. Perfection was not an expectation. According to the book’s author, something has to give because kids are experiencing record levels of depression and anxiety. They have perfect applications and resumes but are miserable and can’t function in the real world. And it’s a fine line in this area between encouraging your kids to do well and being an overbearing parent who pushes a kid too hard. Thoughts? Have you seen this? How do you handle it as a parent?

This is why I'm moving out of the Wootton district. My kid is just fine at school and activities, but he's not great. He's not high achieving. He's well rounded and average in many things. And living in this culture is doing a number on him. So I'm looking for something more reflective of regular American life. He will do fine in life with a career, etc. It just might take him a bit longer to get there. But I need his mental health to be solid.

Thanks for brining the book to my attention. I will check it out.

+1. Left Wootton for the same reason. Found that there was too much of a difference between our notion of childhood (and our parenting style) and our neighbors from Russia, Taiwan, South Korea, South Asia.

Well I'm a parent from Russia, and while I don't know exactly what you mean by the Russian notion of childhood, most of the Russian parents I know are doing what we're doing not necessarily because we want our kids ahead of the pack. It's because we remember our own childhood and while we like this country, we are appalled by the elementary years education even in the better schools. The utter lack of rigor, no homework, no textbooks, no system, no foundation set for the future, no classics, no foreign language, no algebra until god knows when, the complete absence of academic music schools, the amateurish quality of arts and music instruction...the list of goes. So we have to compensate it with extracurriculars outside of school. That's why we put our kids into RSMs, AoPSs, private music, ballet, what have you. We don't want them to miss what we had, even in our restricted, poor, under-resourced but over-educated country.

In fact, while I don't exactly understand this decision, a Russian-American family we know is relocating to Moscow when their youngest hits 5. They want the kids to have the benefit of rigorous, free schooling with cheap, high-quality extracurriculars.

interesting. I am from a different eastern-european country and wanted to write the same thing: that schools here are a joke compared to what I went through back home and that kids here are underachieving, especially boys. and I, too, moved there with children and was blown away at what they are studying at their next-door school compared to the carefully selected school they attended here. and, yes the "amateurish quality of arts and music instruction" as you put it. so true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids attend an AAP center in McLean. They play sports and have good friends. They are not the best at anything and they are thriving. I am sure we are probably in what you consider a pressure cooker environment but it feels normal to us.

We are an Asian American family and I don’t feel my kids study all that much, especially compared to my family in Asia. My kids have quiet the leisurely life.

I do not put insane pressure on them. I expect good grades and effort. Their effort is quite minimal. They do their homework, study a little for tests and that is it.

+1 eastern european immigrant here... the kids here have it very easy. You want a pressure cooker? Try 13-14 mandatory subjects plus a competitive sport. This kind of childhood actually taught me that you cannot be the best at everything or even one thing all the time, and I came out resilient and non-plussed when I inevitably came second, third, or dead last. Kids who are coddled and protected from loss, defeat, and hard work, end up with all kinds of mental issues down the line. The key is that you have to NORMALIZE failure at home. You fell? Great, dust off, get back on the horse. The first step to being good at something is being terrible at it.

+1

what Americans call AP classes are just regular classes in other countries, and then some. you don't pick your subjects and it is very difficult to get straight As. children and their parents here are so spoiled by easy classes and constant praise then when they see a glimpse of regular curriculum they melt down.