SIL who never shows a crack in the armor

[Anonymous]

Let’s assume either:

1. Her life is good or
2. Her life isn’t good but she’s relentlessly working, day and night, to convince *you* her sister in law that her life in fact *is* good and now you’ve uncovered her scheme!

How do either of these things affect you more than a text message notification that’s fully in your power to turn off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she objectively has a happy life, better than yours, and that’s just the truth.

Accept and move on.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is athletic, has a great singing voice, plays guitar, has two beautiful children, has a spouse she loves, lives in a $2.5 million home in Berkeley that literally overlooks a Bay view and the Golden Gate Bridge. Six-figure job, and she's a former caterer who makes gourmet meals. She's fun and funny, and speaks fluent French.

I love her and am happy for her. Because none of that takes away from me.

What's the point of your story? Does she text you about it multiple times daily? Different situations, but congrats?

About..."it"? Do you mean...her life? Not daily, but we do text weekly or biweekly about LIFE. And I manage to hear about both the mundane and the big moments without feeling jealous or put-upon. Because I have a life of my own.

I guess I'm not understanding how your post applies to this or offers constructive advice, it seems like a brag.

I disagree that it comes across as a brag. This PP is showing what a healthy degree of self-awareness about different life situations. Who cares if SIL brags or doesn’t brag about her “perfect” life. Do one can control what other people do but you sure can control your reaction to it. OP needs therapy. She needs to learn to be comfortable in her own skin and not view her life as a comparison of other people. She will be a lot happier in life that way. This is not SIL’s fault (even if she is annoying).

You know I think there's a difference when someone ONLY shows the good stuff. It feels curated and inauthentic, not just like a happy circumstance. I have a friend like this and it can be difficult to feel very close because everything feels stage-managed at worst or really unaware at best. And if you're going through a hard time personally, it can be tough to get that stuff sent to you directly on a regular basis.

It feels "curated and inauthentic" TO YOU. Not everyone needs to wallow. That you do is your way. She may feel 180 degrees differently about you - you think that she is Pollyanna while she thinks you are a Defeatist. I don't get the intolerance although LOL at you calling her a "friend."

Being honest and real about ups AND downs, good AND bad isn't being a "defeatist" --- it's being honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is athletic, has a great singing voice, plays guitar, has two beautiful children, has a spouse she loves, lives in a $2.5 million home in Berkeley that literally overlooks a Bay view and the Golden Gate Bridge. Six-figure job, and she's a former caterer who makes gourmet meals. She's fun and funny, and speaks fluent French.

I love her and am happy for her. Because none of that takes away from me.

What's the point of your story? Does she text you about it multiple times daily? Different situations, but congrats?

About..."it"? Do you mean...her life? Not daily, but we do text weekly or biweekly about LIFE. And I manage to hear about both the mundane and the big moments without feeling jealous or put-upon. Because I have a life of my own.

I guess I'm not understanding how your post applies to this or offers constructive advice, it seems like a brag.

I disagree that it comes across as a brag. This PP is showing what a healthy degree of self-awareness about different life situations. Who cares if SIL brags or doesn’t brag about her “perfect” life. Do one can control what other people do but you sure can control your reaction to it. OP needs therapy. She needs to learn to be comfortable in her own skin and not view her life as a comparison of other people. She will be a lot happier in life that way. This is not SIL’s fault (even if she is annoying).

You know I think there's a difference when someone ONLY shows the good stuff. It feels curated and inauthentic, not just like a happy circumstance. I have a friend like this and it can be difficult to feel very close because everything feels stage-managed at worst or really unaware at best. And if you're going through a hard time personally, it can be tough to get that stuff sent to you directly on a regular basis.

It feels "curated and inauthentic" TO YOU. Not everyone needs to wallow. That you do is your way. She may feel 180 degrees differently about you - you think that she is Pollyanna while she thinks you are a Defeatist. I don't get the intolerance although LOL at you calling her a "friend."

Being honest and real about ups AND downs, good AND bad isn't being a "defeatist" --- it's being honest.

It’s not dishonest to share the good and deal with the bad on your own. Especially not now when my “bad” is my beautiful healthy daughter woke up twice last night and someone else’s “bad” is their parent died of COVID alone in a hospital. I think a lot of people are getting a hard lesson in perspective, and realize they don’t need to complain about every tiny inconvenience when in the bigger picture their life is— I say without irony— blessed.

[Anonymous]

OK, I have a lot of points to make here.

1. I think not wanting constant texts about someone's every whimsical triumph or cooking-baking prowess is pretty normal. If you didn't ask for an IV drip of sunshine via text, yes, I can see how it's annoying. I'd feel this way about anyone who texted me all the time. Write a newsletter on Medium! I don't think this makes someone a grump or a defeatist. It's really about reading the room. And it's REALLY about reading the room when the recipient of the text is going through hard times, and tone deaf to persist in the messages.

2. I will say the happiest people don't need to advertise it, but some people are also just really clueless and think that "connecting" is about sharing only happy things. My own personal belief is that connections feel more real when you share good and bad, but some people have been raised or conditioned not to, or are even afraid to be raw in this way. Focusing on the good is their way of coping. It doesn't make them bad people.

3. It sounds like here that it's volume and minutiae. I think there's a difference between being genuinely glad for one-off text about someone's super cool new trip, for example, versus needing to conjure up enthusiasm over someone's Duncan Hines brownies.

4. Envy is like drinking poison. It seems like you are having a rough time and want this person to also acknowledge that they have rough times too. But they might never do so for reasons outlined above. It doesn't mean you wish ill on them, but it sounds like you are groping for a connection that might not ever happen. Look elsewhere.

5. On that note - take yourself off the text chain, stop responding as often, or mute. Turn down the volume and make the messages less apart of your life.

6. Some of the advice here is downright cruel and people seem to enjoy it. It's a weird fluke about online forums. Turn down the volume there, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is athletic, has a great singing voice, plays guitar, has two beautiful children, has a spouse she loves, lives in a $2.5 million home in Berkeley that literally overlooks a Bay view and the Golden Gate Bridge. Six-figure job, and she's a former caterer who makes gourmet meals. She's fun and funny, and speaks fluent French.

I love her and am happy for her. Because none of that takes away from me.

What's the point of your story? Does she text you about it multiple times daily? Different situations, but congrats?

About..."it"? Do you mean...her life? Not daily, but we do text weekly or biweekly about LIFE. And I manage to hear about both the mundane and the big moments without feeling jealous or put-upon. Because I have a life of my own.

I guess I'm not understanding how your post applies to this or offers constructive advice, it seems like a brag.

I disagree that it comes across as a brag. This PP is showing what a healthy degree of self-awareness about different life situations. Who cares if SIL brags or doesn’t brag about her “perfect” life. Do one can control what other people do but you sure can control your reaction to it. OP needs therapy. She needs to learn to be comfortable in her own skin and not view her life as a comparison of other people. She will be a lot happier in life that way. This is not SIL’s fault (even if she is annoying).

You know I think there's a difference when someone ONLY shows the good stuff. It feels curated and inauthentic, not just like a happy circumstance. I have a friend like this and it can be difficult to feel very close because everything feels stage-managed at worst or really unaware at best. And if you're going through a hard time personally, it can be tough to get that stuff sent to you directly on a regular basis.

It feels "curated and inauthentic" TO YOU. Not everyone needs to wallow. That you do is your way. She may feel 180 degrees differently about you - you think that she is Pollyanna while she thinks you are a Defeatist. I don't get the intolerance although LOL at you calling her a "friend."

Being honest and real about ups AND downs, good AND bad isn't being a "defeatist" --- it's being honest.

It’s not dishonest to share the good and deal with the bad on your own. Especially not now when my “bad” is my beautiful healthy daughter woke up twice last night and someone else’s “bad” is their parent died of COVID alone in a hospital. I think a lot of people are getting a hard lesson in perspective, and realize they don’t need to complain about every tiny inconvenience when in the bigger picture their life is— I say without irony— blessed.

But you might take a pause and ask about someone else, right? I think it's a question of self-focus...

[Anonymous]

Some of you act like there are two lanes: Pollyanna and Negative Nancy.

I am sorry glad that my family, friends and I navigate the middle ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you act like there are two lanes: Pollyanna and Negative Nancy.

I am sorry glad that my family, friends and I navigate the middle ground.

+1! Good grief.

[Anonymous]

My friend helped with set design for a new film that just had a premiere in Tampa. She walked the red carpet, and looks amazing. She posted about it on social media. It makes me sad to think that, apparently, half her family is eaten alive by jealousy to celebrate her accomplishments, give what I see from you insecure, negative posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend helped with set design for a new film that just had a premiere in Tampa. She walked the red carpet, and looks amazing. She posted about it on social media. It makes me sad to think that, apparently, half her family is eaten alive by jealousy to celebrate her accomplishments, give what I see from you insecure, negative posters.

Does she also text you daily to gush about her new brownie-making techniques?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is athletic, has a great singing voice, plays guitar, has two beautiful children, has a spouse she loves, lives in a $2.5 million home in Berkeley that literally overlooks a Bay view and the Golden Gate Bridge. Six-figure job, and she's a former caterer who makes gourmet meals. She's fun and funny, and speaks fluent French.

I love her and am happy for her. Because none of that takes away from me.

What's the point of your story? Does she text you about it multiple times daily? Different situations, but congrats?

About..."it"? Do you mean...her life? Not daily, but we do text weekly or biweekly about LIFE. And I manage to hear about both the mundane and the big moments without feeling jealous or put-upon. Because I have a life of my own.

I guess I'm not understanding how your post applies to this or offers constructive advice, it seems like a brag.

I disagree that it comes across as a brag. This PP is showing what a healthy degree of self-awareness about different life situations. Who cares if SIL brags or doesn’t brag about her “perfect” life. Do one can control what other people do but you sure can control your reaction to it. OP needs therapy. She needs to learn to be comfortable in her own skin and not view her life as a comparison of other people. She will be a lot happier in life that way. This is not SIL’s fault (even if she is annoying).

You know I think there's a difference when someone ONLY shows the good stuff. It feels curated and inauthentic, not just like a happy circumstance. I have a friend like this and it can be difficult to feel very close because everything feels stage-managed at worst or really unaware at best. And if you're going through a hard time personally, it can be tough to get that stuff sent to you directly on a regular basis.

Then, it’s honestly up to you to manage your input. And I say this as someone who has had tough times. Having it rain for someone else doesn’t make your time any easier. If anything, find the perspective that the sun really does shine.

Agree. And it’s a SIL. She does not need to feel “close” - they aren’t (and shouldn’t be) besties. I can’t get over how many people are dissing on the SIL. Who cares if she is clueless, entitled and annoying. OP doesn’t need to be her closest friend, but it is seriously not healthy for OP to get riled up and upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is athletic, has a great singing voice, plays guitar, has two beautiful children, has a spouse she loves, lives in a $2.5 million home in Berkeley that literally overlooks a Bay view and the Golden Gate Bridge. Six-figure job, and she's a former caterer who makes gourmet meals. She's fun and funny, and speaks fluent French.

I love her and am happy for her. Because none of that takes away from me.

What's the point of your story? Does she text you about it multiple times daily? Different situations, but congrats?

About..."it"? Do you mean...her life? Not daily, but we do text weekly or biweekly about LIFE. And I manage to hear about both the mundane and the big moments without feeling jealous or put-upon. Because I have a life of my own.

I guess I'm not understanding how your post applies to this or offers constructive advice, it seems like a brag.

I disagree that it comes across as a brag. This PP is showing what a healthy degree of self-awareness about different life situations. Who cares if SIL brags or doesn’t brag about her “perfect” life. Do one can control what other people do but you sure can control your reaction to it. OP needs therapy. She needs to learn to be comfortable in her own skin and not view her life as a comparison of other people. She will be a lot happier in life that way. This is not SIL’s fault (even if she is annoying).

You know I think there's a difference when someone ONLY shows the good stuff. It feels curated and inauthentic, not just like a happy circumstance. I have a friend like this and it can be difficult to feel very close because everything feels stage-managed at worst or really unaware at best. And if you're going through a hard time personally, it can be tough to get that stuff sent to you directly on a regular basis.

It feels "curated and inauthentic" TO YOU. Not everyone needs to wallow. That you do is your way. She may feel 180 degrees differently about you - you think that she is Pollyanna while she thinks you are a Defeatist. I don't get the intolerance although LOL at you calling her a "friend."

Being honest and real about ups AND downs, good AND bad isn't being a "defeatist" --- it's being honest.

It’s not dishonest to share the good and deal with the bad on your own. Especially not now when my “bad” is my beautiful healthy daughter woke up twice last night and someone else’s “bad” is their parent died of COVID alone in a hospital. I think a lot of people are getting a hard lesson in perspective, and realize they don’t need to complain about every tiny inconvenience when in the bigger picture their life is— I say without irony— blessed.

But you might take a pause and ask about someone else, right? I think it's a question of self-focus...

Wait is the complaint that she says nice things about her own life or is the complaint that she doesn’t ask about the OP’s life enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she objectively has a happy life, better than yours, and that’s just the truth.

Accept and move on.

+1

So true. Also, sometimes positive people are happy. She is living her best life. Why don't you do the same?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend helped with set design for a new film that just had a premiere in Tampa. She walked the red carpet, and looks amazing. She posted about it on social media. It makes me sad to think that, apparently, half her family is eaten alive by jealousy to celebrate her accomplishments, give what I see from you insecure, negative posters.

Does she also text you daily to gush about her new brownie-making techniques?

Not daily, but we do text weekly. If I don’t want daily texts, I know how to open my mouth and set reasonable boundaries.

Sound like you need to work on speaking up if you have a problem...

I do like brownie recipes and tips, if you have any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she objectively has a happy life, better than yours, and that’s just the truth.

Accept and move on.

+1

So true. Also, sometimes positive people are happy. She is living her best life. Why don't you do the same?

"Living your best life" is a slogan on a throw pillow from Target or a bumper sticker, not constructive or realistic advice.