Strange preference - not being called "she" [not a gender issue]

[Anonymous]

This is odd. Never heard of it. Grew up upper middle class in MD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad so many people on here don't want their horizons broadened. This isn't old-fashioned. It's just very basic manners. To the PP who feels like it's a stand in so you're not repeating the name over and over again, try to test it out. In most instances, it's one reference, then neither a name or pronoun is called for again. Once you start working on this, you won't believe you ever did it the wrong before.

Op here. This is all so interesting, and I have never heard of anyone but my mom feeling this way.

Pp, I guess I don't understand why "neither a name or pronoun is called for again" after the first reference. I must be missing something.

Guess what Grandma did? Grandma told the dog that he can't have any Thanksgiving turkey, but then she gave him a piece! And then she asked me if she could give Fido more and I said sure, so she gave him another piece and the gravy spoon to lick and said 'Happy Thanksgiving Fido! " (Imagine an 8 year old telling this story out loud in that way that kids get a kick out of odd little things).


So, you're saying each "she" should be replaced with "Grandma?" That would sound very strange to my ear.

Try this: Guess what Grandma did? Grandma told the dog that he can't have any Thanksgiving turkey, but then gave him a piece! And then asked me if she (yes, this use of it is fine) could give Fido more and I said sure, so she gave him another piece and the gravy spoon to lick and (see here how you didn't repeat the pronoun again?) said 'Happy Thanksgiving Fido! "

It's just quite clear how and when to use the person's name, when you don't need to repeat the subject at all, and when it's okay.

Now you're just making things up. The second time you used "Grandma", it would have been rude to use "she", but suddenly when you switched to "she", it was magically fine? People who get upset about this are nuts. So glad I've managed to avoid these people so far.

[Anonymous]

Brad, Jason and Kevin are having drinks.

Jason: talks about his love life.
Kevin: brings up Jason's past romantic failures in a humorous way.
Brad, to Jason: "Oh no SHE didn't!"
Kevin: simmers in resentment for being called a "she"

[Anonymous]

Jen, DH and I are hanging out.

Jen: explains all about her new boyfriend, how they met, etc
DH: "Hang on, where did you meet this guy?"
Me: "Dude, she already said she met him at work. Go on, Jen."
Jen: simmers in resentment because I called her "she"

[Anonymous]

I am thinking that back when it was regular for middle-class to have help, it was a regular thing to refer to the female help as "she" because the servant/maid didn't rate having her actual name uttered. So the wives/mothers who were not in those jobs, and only slightly higher up the ladder, wished to differentiate themselves, and latched on to this weird and bastardized "etiquette" rule. And then passed it down to frustrated women in the next generation.

[Anonymous]

DH, DS and I are in a car.

Me: "So it says you take the fork to the left then move to the right lane to make a right."
DH, sometime later: "Did you say left or right??"
DS: "She said, make a right!"
Me: stewing because DS called me a "she"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never heard of this before. People get offended by the oddest things.

Yep.

I can not believe that so many adults here are unaware that it is rude to refer to a person in 3rd person when they are present. It is not hard to use a person's name. This is absolutely appalling that so many of you are defending this. The only people I know who do this are lower ses.

“Appalling”?

I grew up in MD, high SES with two educated Mayflower descendent parents, and this was not a thing in our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you who have never heard of this, where did you grow up?

This was a common expectation of good manners among everyone I knew growing up in the Northeast.

My mom grew up outside of Boston, solidly middle class, and this was a hard and fast rule for her (and still is!)

[Anonymous]

I've definitely heard this. I think my mom used to say "I'm not SHE, I'm your mother" when my sister and I would talk about her in front of her. Which in retrospect was a little rude. But I wouldn't think overhearing someone else in a different room would be the same thing.

[Anonymous]

I'm from Eastern Europe and it is DEFINITELY rude to talk about someone in the third person when they are present.

However, to clarify an important point, because some people seem to be ridiculing something that is not the case -- once you refer to someone by name or by relationship, you don't have to keep using the name/relationship in the conversation that IMMEDIATELY follows.

So, for example, if we just sat down to have dinner, and I ask what my kids would like to do after dinner, it would be rude of them to just nod/look at my husband and say "Oh, he said we could watch a movie."

They would have to say, "Oh, Papa said we could watch a movie." But if one of the kids then wants to add "well, he said that we could watch a movie if we cleaned our rooms first" that's fine. They don't have to say "Papa" every single time they refer to him, it is just rude to start out with that.

If we then talk about something else, however, and then I want to comment on a dish that my husband made, it would be rude of me to say, "Didn't he make a good lasagna?"

I would say, "Didn't Papa make a good lasagna?" But then I can certainly say, "I think he used the recipe that..."

[Anonymous]

PS: I mean -- *in my culture* it is DEFINITELY rude to talk about someone in the third person when they are present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm from Eastern Europe and it is DEFINITELY rude to talk about someone in the third person when they are present.

However, to clarify an important point, because some people seem to be ridiculing something that is not the case -- once you refer to someone by name or by relationship, you don't have to keep using the name/relationship in the conversation that IMMEDIATELY follows.

So, for example, if we just sat down to have dinner, and I ask what my kids would like to do after dinner, it would be rude of them to just nod/look at my husband and say "Oh, he said we could watch a movie."

They would have to say, "Oh, Papa said we could watch a movie." But if one of the kids then wants to add "well, he said that we could watch a movie if we cleaned our rooms first" that's fine. They don't have to say "Papa" every single time they refer to him, it is just rude to start out with that.

If we then talk about something else, however, and then I want to comment on a dish that my husband made, it would be rude of me to say, "Didn't he make a good lasagna?"

I would say, "Didn't Papa make a good lasagna?" But then I can certainly say, "I think he used the recipe that..."

This makes sense to me. I think some Mamas out there took it to a weird extreme, insisting on never being referred to as "she" in any instance in any hearing distance.

[Anonymous]

This is one of the most bizarre DCUM threads I’ve ever read. And that is really saying something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never heard of this before. People get offended by the oddest things.

Yep.

I can not believe that so many adults here are unaware that it is rude to refer to a person in 3rd person when they are present. It is not hard to use a person's name. This is absolutely appalling that so many of you are defending this. The only people I know who do this are lower ses.

“Appalling”?

I grew up in MD, high SES with two educated Mayflower descendent parents, and this was not a thing in our family.

+1 same except my mother is British and this was never mentioned.

[Anonymous]

I think she doesn't know what 'she' means.

I think she must have learned this quote somewhere (her mother said it perhaps) or she felt 'talked about' a lot in life and found it disrespectful.

I know you aren't asking this- but yes it's terribly weird.