Strange preference - not being called "she" [not a gender issue]

[Anonymous]

I think it's like a power trip thing. Really dysfunctional and crazy and weird. I would avoid her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never heard of this before. People get offended by the oddest things.

Yep.

I can not believe that so many adults here are unaware that it is rude to refer to a person in 3rd person when they are present. It is not hard to use a person's name. This is absolutely appalling that so many of you are defending this. The only people I know who do this are lower ses.

YOU are wrong. I grew up in an extremely high SES family, you could say high society, and had to take etiquette classes while younger. Also had to do cotillion. We were told that the most polite way to answer the phone was to say "Yes, this is she" (obviously in response to "Is this Larla?"), so you're actually referring to YOURSELF with she. There is certainly nothing rude about it, unless you are the most deranged and fragile person on the planet. And I dont believe for a single second you grew up high SES if you really cant handle a proper pronoun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never heard of this before. People get offended by the oddest things.

Yep.

I can not believe that so many adults here are unaware that it is rude to refer to a person in 3rd person when they are present. It is not hard to use a person's name. This is absolutely appalling that so many of you are defending this. The only people I know who do this are lower ses.

If you use use their name or say mother it’s still using the third person, genius.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never heard of this before. People get offended by the oddest things.

Yep.

I can not believe that so many adults here are unaware that it is rude to refer to a person in 3rd person when they are present. It is not hard to use a person's name. This is absolutely appalling that so many of you are defending this. The only people I know who do this are lower ses.

YOU are wrong. I grew up in an extremely high SES family, you could say high society, and had to take etiquette classes while younger. Also had to do cotillion. We were told that the most polite way to answer the phone was to say "Yes, this is she" (obviously in response to "Is this Larla?"), so you're actually referring to YOURSELF with she. There is certainly nothing rude about it, unless you are the most deranged and fragile person on the planet. And I dont believe for a single second you grew up high SES if you really cant handle a proper pronoun!

NP, but different situations have different etiquette rules that sometimes seem contradictory. How you talk about yourself (on the phone) is different than how you talk about your mother at the dinner table. This isn't a big deal rule for everyone everywhere, but in some circles it's considered impolite. The fact that lots of people here were taught this as a rule is evidence enough of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never heard of this before. People get offended by the oddest things.

Yep.

I can not believe that so many adults here are unaware that it is rude to refer to a person in 3rd person when they are present. It is not hard to use a person's name. This is absolutely appalling that so many of you are defending this. The only people I know who do this are lower ses.

YOU are wrong. I grew up in an extremely high SES family, you could say high society, and had to take etiquette classes while younger. Also had to do cotillion. We were told that the most polite way to answer the phone was to say "Yes, this is she" (obviously in response to "Is this Larla?"), so you're actually referring to YOURSELF with she. There is certainly nothing rude about it, unless you are the most deranged and fragile person on the planet. And I dont believe for a single second you grew up high SES if you really cant handle a proper pronoun!

NP, but different situations have different etiquette rules that sometimes seem contradictory. How you talk about yourself (on the phone) is different than how you talk about your mother at the dinner table. This isn't a big deal rule for everyone everywhere, but in some circles it's considered impolite. The fact that lots of people here were taught this as a rule is evidence enough of that.

In trash circles, not intelligent or educated ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never heard of this before. People get offended by the oddest things.

Yep.

I can not believe that so many adults here are unaware that it is rude to refer to a person in 3rd person when they are present. It is not hard to use a person's name. This is absolutely appalling that so many of you are defending this. The only people I know who do this are lower ses.

YOU are wrong. I grew up in an extremely high SES family, you could say high society, and had to take etiquette classes while younger. Also had to do cotillion. We were told that the most polite way to answer the phone was to say "Yes, this is she" (obviously in response to "Is this Larla?"), so you're actually referring to YOURSELF with she. There is certainly nothing rude about it, unless you are the most deranged and fragile person on the planet. And I dont believe for a single second you grew up high SES if you really cant handle a proper pronoun!

NP, but different situations have different etiquette rules that sometimes seem contradictory. How you talk about yourself (on the phone) is different than how you talk about your mother at the dinner table. This isn't a big deal rule for everyone everywhere, but in some circles it's considered impolite. The fact that lots of people here were taught this as a rule is evidence enough of that.

In trash circles, not intelligent or educated ones.

You seem like a gem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never heard of this before. People get offended by the oddest things.

Yep.

I can not believe that so many adults here are unaware that it is rude to refer to a person in 3rd person when they are present. It is not hard to use a person's name. This is absolutely appalling that so many of you are defending this. The only people I know who do this are lower ses.

YOU are wrong. I grew up in an extremely high SES family, you could say high society, and had to take etiquette classes while younger. Also had to do cotillion. We were told that the most polite way to answer the phone was to say "Yes, this is she" (obviously in response to "Is this Larla?"), so you're actually referring to YOURSELF with she. There is certainly nothing rude about it, unless you are the most deranged and fragile person on the planet. And I dont believe for a single second you grew up high SES if you really cant handle a proper pronoun!

NP, but different situations have different etiquette rules that sometimes seem contradictory. How you talk about yourself (on the phone) is different than how you talk about your mother at the dinner table. This isn't a big deal rule for everyone everywhere, but in some circles it's considered impolite. The fact that lots of people here were taught this as a rule is evidence enough of that.

In trash circles, not intelligent or educated ones.

You seem like a gem.

As do you. Very sophisticated, as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad so many people on here don't want their horizons broadened. This isn't old-fashioned. It's just very basic manners. To the PP who feels like it's a stand in so you're not repeating the name over and over again, try to test it out. In most instances, it's one reference, then neither a name or pronoun is called for again. Once you start working on this, you won't believe you ever did it the wrong before.

Op here. This is all so interesting, and I have never heard of anyone but my mom feeling this way.

Pp, I guess I don't understand why "neither a name or pronoun is called for again" after the first reference. I must be missing something.

Guess what Grandma did? Grandma told the dog that he can't have any Thanksgiving turkey, but then she gave him a piece! And then she asked me if she could give Fido more and I said sure, so she gave him another piece and the gravy spoon to lick and said 'Happy Thanksgiving Fido! " (Imagine an 8 year old telling this story out loud in that way that kids get a kick out of odd little things).


So, you're saying each "she" should be replaced with "Grandma?" That would sound very strange to my ear.

Try this: Guess what Grandma did? Grandma told the dog that he can't have any Thanksgiving turkey, but then gave him a piece! And then asked me if she (yes, this use of it is fine) could give Fido more and I said sure, so she gave him another piece and the gravy spoon to lick and (see here how you didn't repeat the pronoun again?) said 'Happy Thanksgiving Fido! "

It's just quite clear how and when to use the person's name, when you don't need to repeat the subject at all, and when it's okay.

I think that your example makes sense BUT it still uses she. In the OPs original example, Grandma interrupted the child’s story several times, so it seems that Grandma was NOT ok with the use of she anywhere in the conversation. It doesn’t sound like your example would be acceptable either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never heard of this before. People get offended by the oddest things.

Yep.

I can not believe that so many adults here are unaware that it is rude to refer to a person in 3rd person when they are present. It is not hard to use a person's name. This is absolutely appalling that so many of you are defending this. The only people I know who do this are lower ses.

If you use use their name or say mother it’s still using the third person, genius.

Thank you for saying this! I am reading this thread in disbelief. (I have never heard of this issue. Child of parents who were lower-income Jewish New Yorkers.) And I keep on asking myself, aren't both "she" and "Mother" considered third person? I/We being first person. You being second person. He/She/They/Person's name being third person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never heard of this before. People get offended by the oddest things.

Yep.

I can not believe that so many adults here are unaware that it is rude to refer to a person in 3rd person when they are present. It is not hard to use a person's name. This is absolutely appalling that so many of you are defending this. The only people I know who do this are lower ses.

YOU are wrong. I grew up in an extremely high SES family, you could say high society, and had to take etiquette classes while younger. Also had to do cotillion. We were told that the most polite way to answer the phone was to say "Yes, this is she" (obviously in response to "Is this Larla?"), so you're actually referring to YOURSELF with she. There is certainly nothing rude about it, unless you are the most deranged and fragile person on the planet. And I dont believe for a single second you grew up high SES if you really cant handle a proper pronoun!

You are not well educated despite your privileged upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Old fashioned etiquette.

She is the cat's mother.

https://www.grammarphobia.com/blog/2011/04/cats-mother.html

I was waiting for this.

I hear it in an Irish accent.

I was always like, "when did you get a cat, and can I see the kittens"?

[Anonymous]

For those of you who have never heard of this, where did you grow up?

This was a common expectation of good manners among everyone I knew growing up in the Northeast.

Upper East Side of Manhattan and I've never heard of it. If the "she" is in a hostile tone, sure that is rude. But otherwise, I can't imagine why someone would take issue with it, unless they didn't have enough else going on in their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, my mom hated being called "she." I mostly remember it in the context of one of our many arguments. If I said to my dad "It's not fair, she said I can't go to the pool with my friend!" My mom would interject " I am not SHE, I'm your mother." And she'd also do it in a calmer situation like if my brother asked where's mom and I said "She's in the kitchen," she'd come in with " 'MOM' is in the kitchen" to correct me.

I hadn't heard her say that in a long time, but recently she said it to my 8 year old son. He saw her do something funny and was retelling it to dad and grandpa. My mom interjected sternly at least twice to correct him ("Not SHE, say Grandma." "I'm your grandmother, not SHE.")
It would have sounded odd and redundant if ds had said " Grandma" multiple times in his short story. It wasn't an offensive story, and she enjoyed it otherwise.

What gives? Is this a manners thing, or just her?

I think this is a cultural thing. In some cultures, it is a sign of respect to address or refer to person by role or name rather than generic reference.