How To Find A SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume you want someone who is smart? Here’s my advice. Find a mid-level associate at a large firm who wants to have kids right away and isn’t a total workaholic must make partner type. Once she has the baby and stays home for 6 months to a year she won’t want to go back if you hire a house cleaner and a part time sitter so she can get some me time. That would be a sweet deal that I would totally have taken. She’ll realize she likes staying home in yoga pants and wasn’t going to make partner anyway.

Hahaha

You seriously think a lawyer is going to sign OP’s prenup giving him control of all finances and relinquishing her rights to marital assets??? That’s cute.

[Anonymous]

Go find a small town girl who just wants to get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m a very high earner and work 70-80 hour weeks. I will be involved as I possibly can with kids, but she will be the default parent. We will hire help with childcare and housekeeping, but she will manage the day-to-day responsibilities of cooking, cleaning, shuffling kids to school, etc. My parents had the same setup and it worked. My dad was very involved in raising us, but my mom did the bulk of it.

OP, my husband and I have this set up. He is a law firm partner and I am a SAHM. I had our first at 37 after getting a PhD and having a career. My best friend is similar, the wife of a partner who formerly had a political job. We are both in happy marriages. For me (and a believe for my friend), I don’t mind taking on this role. I had almost two decades to work and now I am enjoying having little at home. We are not religious or conservative. Just regular, well educated suburban liberals.

Just out of curiosity, PP... do you also have a prenup and does your husband control the finances?

No. We don’t. I wouldn’t sign one and my DH would never ask. I am also pretty certain that we will not get divorced. It would be out of character for both of us since we are both low conflict people who communicate well and genuinely like each other.

I handle most of the day-to-day finances, but we make big decisions together. Being a SAHM was never a goal or plan of mine. My kids are still young (the youngest is 2), so I don’t know what I will do long term, but I won’t go back full time to an inflexible job. DH cannot pick up the slack at home because he is always working and I won’t handle everything at home by myself and also juggle a work schedule. DH is fine with that.

So your situation is actually different from what OP wants - he'd like a tight prenup so this woman doesn't also get his money if things don't work out. And he also wants to control the family finances (but of course this hypothetical wife would have "access").

He needs someone who is naive enough to accept such a raw deal, not someone like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume you want someone who is smart? Here’s my advice. Find a mid-level associate at a large firm who wants to have kids right away and isn’t a total workaholic must make partner type. Once she has the baby and stays home for 6 months to a year she won’t want to go back if you hire a house cleaner and a part time sitter so she can get some me time. That would be a sweet deal that I would totally have taken. She’ll realize she likes staying home in yoga pants and wasn’t going to make partner anyway.

A lawyer is not going to sign such a prenup.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you on the spectrum?

[Anonymous]

OP— if she is a SAHM and there is a prenup, what does she do 20 yrs into the marriage if you have an affair or ask for a divorce? Or she finds you so horrible to live with that she wants a divorce?

By being a SAHM, she gives up skill retention and continuity of work—both very important when looking for a job. If there is a prenup, she will get very little from you especially if the children are grown and there is no child support.

Why would any person agree to such a precarious situation?

[Anonymous]

You need to find someone with family money or is already wealthy. Someone with their own assets so she is protected. Then you can each sign prenups for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Okay. Tell me what I’m doing wrong and how to fix it to attract a woman with these qualities

Age: 30-35. A little younger is fine but I do not want a woman younger than 28. I need to have things in common and need a mature woman who has a good amount of life experience. I want a woman who knows what she wants.

Career: A woman who wants to be a lifelong SAHM or out her career on hold at least PT to be home with the kids when they need FT care.

Wife: I want a true partner. An actual marriage with respect and love. I do not want a mail order bride.

A woman ideally willing to sign a prenup relinquishing any rights to my businesses. It’s not unreasonable for me to protect my assets.

I will be involved as I can. I plan to be an involved parent and spouse.

Most of the women I attract now either do not want to a SAHM or are gold diggers and get upset when I bring up a prenup.

This is going to be the sticking point. Flip this around and say a woman was looking for a SAHD because she works 70-80 a week and wanted you in your early 30’s (say you didn’t have the businesses and millions in assets) to give up working the raise kids for the next 20 years and sign a prenup. Assuming you are financially savvy that would need to be one heck of a prenup to make it with giving up 20 years of prime earning, not saving for retirement, giving up any investments you could have made with your own income, not purchasing your own real estate/home, and the hit your career would take if you tried to re-enter the workforce after being out of it for how ever long if the marriage didn’t work out.

What about someone that already has money and their own investments and would be looking for you to sign a prenup? Or someone that has a career that it easy to jump back into after years like teaching or maybe nursing who also wants to be a SAHM while kids are young. Or maybe a divorced mom that has been on the other side of working full time while being the default parent and would jump at the chance to be a SAHM with lots of help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to find someone with family money or is already wealthy. Someone with their own assets so she is protected. Then you can each sign prenups for each other.

Someone with family money is not going to want to marry a man working 70-80 hours a week who wants to control their finances. Why would she? She would want someone who also has inherited wealth to hang out with. And if she wanted children, she would already be married before 30.

OP’s business would probably be a dealbreaker for someone with family money because he would be too tied to a specific location and unavailable for weekends skiing, spring break in Europe, summer trips, etc. Their lifestyles would be incompatible.

[Anonymous]

All these crazy SAHM acting like it’s years of 24/7 drudgery.

Babies and toddlers are hard for everyone, and then it’s easier and easier.

SAH is mostly a life of leisure. It’s not like you weren’t going to cook or clean if you worked too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 37 and single. I’ve been trying I find a certain type of woman and just haven’t. You can say I’m looking for a 1950’s housewife. I don’t expect a servant or anything like that, but I wanted a woman who wants to stay at home taking care of her kids and husband. I’m looking for a woman who wants to take care of raising the kids and responsibilities of the household, while I work and manage things like finances. Most of the women I meet want to be a SAHM only short-term, or want to be a SAHM but expect the man to be a 50/50 partner in childcare and household responsibilities. I’m looking for a woman who can handle the bulk of it. How do I find a woman like this?

OP, you are freaka old for this. Do you really want kids? Bachelors at 40 are know to be trouble, I would actually look for divorced woman with young kids; they will take your terms happily, and you can have kids if you want but you already say late in game and it’s clear they are not a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you cut back OP? You are apparently a super-wealthy owner of several busines, why can't you cut back a bit so your kids aren't with nannies all day? It's the modern millennial millionaire way to parent and partner.

OP here. My hope is to work while they are little and set their up for a great future. Fully funded colleges, first cars, nice family vacations, etc. My mom raised us and did the bulk of the work while my dad worked. He worked a lot until we were 7/8 and then he was able to go to our school plays, games, go on fallibly trips, etc. I want this lifestyle for my children. I want a wife who knows she doesn’t haven’t to stress about money or finding childcare, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume you want someone who is smart? Here’s my advice. Find a mid-level associate at a large firm who wants to have kids right away and isn’t a total workaholic must make partner type. Once she has the baby and stays home for 6 months to a year she won’t want to go back if you hire a house cleaner and a part time sitter so she can get some me time. That would be a sweet deal that I would totally have taken. She’ll realize she likes staying home in yoga pants and wasn’t going to make partner anyway.

Hahaha

You seriously think a lawyer is going to sign OP’s prenup giving him control of all finances and relinquishing her rights to marital assets??? That’s cute.

OP here. She will have full access to anything earned while we are married. That will be “ our money”. The prenup is to make sure she doesn’t get half of my businesses in the event of a divorce, and she won’t get the money I have now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP— if she is a SAHM and there is a prenup, what does she do 20 yrs into the marriage if you have an affair or ask for a divorce? Or she finds you so horrible to live with that she wants a divorce?

By being a SAHM, she gives up skill retention and continuity of work—both very important when looking for a job. If there is a prenup, she will get very little from you especially if the children are grown and there is no child support.

Why would any person agree to such a precarious situation?

OP here. I’m not marrying with the intention of getting divorced, but divorce is high. The only assets I want protected are my businesses and family money. Anything we make while married is hers. If there were a divorce, she will get half of everything.

I’m fine with her wanting to work before and after kids. It’s just important to me to have a wife who wants to stay at home while the kids are young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Okay. Tell me what I’m doing wrong and how to fix it to attract a woman with these qualities

Age: 30-35. A little younger is fine but I do not want a woman younger than 28. I need to have things in common and need a mature woman who has a good amount of life experience. I want a woman who knows what she wants.

Career: A woman who wants to be a lifelong SAHM or out her career on hold at least PT to be home with the kids when they need FT care.

Wife: I want a true partner. An actual marriage with respect and love. I do not want a mail order bride.

A woman ideally willing to sign a prenup relinquishing any rights to my businesses. It’s not unreasonable for me to protect my assets.

I will be involved as I can. I plan to be an involved parent and spouse.

Most of the women I attract now either do not want to a SAHM or are gold diggers and get upset when I bring up a prenup.

This is going to be the sticking point. Flip this around and say a woman was looking for a SAHD because she works 70-80 a week and wanted you in your early 30’s (say you didn’t have the businesses and millions in assets) to give up working the raise kids for the next 20 years and sign a prenup. Assuming you are financially savvy that would need to be one heck of a prenup to make it with giving up 20 years of prime earning, not saving for retirement, giving up any investments you could have made with your own income, not purchasing your own real estate/home, and the hit your career would take if you tried to re-enter the workforce after being out of it for how ever long if the marriage didn’t work out.

What about someone that already has money and their own investments and would be looking for you to sign a prenup? Or someone that has a career that it easy to jump back into after years like teaching or maybe nursing who also wants to be a SAHM while kids are young. Or maybe a divorced mom that has been on the other side of working full time while being the default parent and would jump at the chance to be a SAHM with lots of help.

OP here. She will never have to worry about money. Anything we earn while married is hers. She can keep the house and will be set for life.

I’m fine with a woman who has a career. I just want a woman who wants to be a SAHM when the kids are young.