Does a blended family actually work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

well to begin with, I would never give Sally the idea that she was being treated unfairly, or that money and things are everything, or that you should spend life fixated on what other people appear to have. By “compensate” I just mean the family would work to find opportunities for Sally to get physical activity and participate in sports (tons of free/cheap things to do), take inexpensive vacations, and develop a positive and fun family atmosphere and traditions.

I’ll say it again - this all has to do with the adults and their values, not the need for stepkids to be treated equally on paper.

So you have no answer.

they have an answer, sitting down a 9 year old and explaining that live isn't fair and that even though she like gymnastics and is better than her sister, she's going to have to spend weekends driving to far flung gyms to watch her sister because life isn't fair. She'll then understand perfectly, go sit down with her copy of Atlas Shrugged and be perfectly content while her sister does her routine.

Exactly. You can try to explain your insane coldhearted opinions to them, but they will hate you anyway. It doesn't matter if you still think you are right. Teenagers can make your life hell if they really feel aggrieved.

In this case it would be REALLY hard for a little kid to swallow that their sister gets to do gymnastics or travel soccer or whatever activity they both love and you can’t. This would make every dinner, every activity event hell for everyone involved.

It is stuff like this that destroys families. This is the reason that second marriages with kids almost always end in divorce.

Ok you’re right. if you don’t have the brainpower to figure out how to manage a situation where kids play on different sports teams, then yes, you do not have the good sense to manage a blended family and you should never remarry.

The rest of us can come up with multiple ways to make it work.

The example was not “kids being in different teams” which would be supper easy. Agreed. The example is both kids love the same sport and ONE gets to play in an expensive club involving travel and the other can’t. The child’s other bio parent is footing the bill. How do you deal with going to travel soccer games as a family when the children are the same age and only one gets to play?

Please explain your “good sense” approach that wouldn’t make the less affluent kid feel like crap — and rub it in her face every other week. So far, all you’ve said is that you have the “brainpower” to do it. No solutions.

I for one, used my good sense and brainpower to stay married instead of trying to explain to my kid why she has to be treated like Cinderella. You do you.

[Anonymous]

Is it just me, or are some people horrified by all the negative comments here? Sure, bad things can happen, even to UMC families in this area, but c'mmon? Do I live in a bubble? The reality is that, sadly, many marriages fail. My kids' friends at school have divorced parents, I have friends, who are divorced, but most of them remarried and nobody is facing the horrid scenarios that you all are describing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

well to begin with, I would never give Sally the idea that she was being treated unfairly, or that money and things are everything, or that you should spend life fixated on what other people appear to have. By “compensate” I just mean the family would work to find opportunities for Sally to get physical activity and participate in sports (tons of free/cheap things to do), take inexpensive vacations, and develop a positive and fun family atmosphere and traditions.

I’ll say it again - this all has to do with the adults and their values, not the need for stepkids to be treated equally on paper.

So you have no answer.

they have an answer, sitting down a 9 year old and explaining that live isn't fair and that even though she like gymnastics and is better than her sister, she's going to have to spend weekends driving to far flung gyms to watch her sister because life isn't fair. She'll then understand perfectly, go sit down with her copy of Atlas Shrugged and be perfectly content while her sister does her routine.

Exactly. You can try to explain your insane coldhearted opinions to them, but they will hate you anyway. It doesn't matter if you still think you are right. Teenagers can make your life hell if they really feel aggrieved.

In this case it would be REALLY hard for a little kid to swallow that their sister gets to do gymnastics or travel soccer or whatever activity they both love and you can’t. This would make every dinner, every activity event hell for everyone involved.

It is stuff like this that destroys families. This is the reason that second marriages with kids almost always end in divorce.

Ok you’re right. if you don’t have the brainpower to figure out how to manage a situation where kids play on different sports teams, then yes, you do not have the good sense to manage a blended family and you should never remarry.

The rest of us can come up with multiple ways to make it work.

The example was not “kids being in different teams” which would be supper easy. Agreed. The example is both kids love the same sport and ONE gets to play in an expensive club involving travel and the other can’t. The child’s other bio parent is footing the bill. How do you deal with going to travel soccer games as a family when the children are the same age and only one gets to play?

Please explain your “good sense” approach that wouldn’t make the less affluent kid feel like crap — and rub it in her face every other week. So far, all you’ve said is that you have the “brainpower” to do it. No solutions.

I for one, used my good sense and brainpower to stay married instead of trying to explain to my kid why she has to be treated like Cinderella. You do you.

You're creating the most extreme "Cinderella" set-up and assuming that the parents have no ability to remedy it at all. I'm not sure how that's supposed to be a helpful contribution. You're trying to prove your case (that all divorced people are terrible?) by creating a hypothetical situation with no possible exit.

But to reiterate - I think kids can very much understand that their step siblings have different resources. I think it's the grownup bean counters who think it is a total catastrophe that Larla "gets" to do travel gymnastics, and Susie does not, are the ones who create the set up for this to be a disaster. There are all sorts of ways that parents can make sure that both kids get their needs meaningfully met. A successful remarriage would have to be predicated on that, not that each child gets everything exactly equal, or it will be a disaster.

Really, all this example does is prove your own values are almost exclusively material, and you can't imagine a world where Susie is perfectly happy and secure even while Larla gets to do "travel gymnastics."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or are some people horrified by all the negative comments here? Sure, bad things can happen, even to UMC families in this area, but c'mmon? Do I live in a bubble? The reality is that, sadly, many marriages fail. My kids' friends at school have divorced parents, I have friends, who are divorced, but most of them remarried and nobody is facing the horrid scenarios that you all are describing.

if everyone involved is relatively equal in terms of wealth and outlook yes. If the other bio parent has significant assets that they are willing to use to help their own bio kids- problems are easy to foresee. If for some reason my marriage failed, I'd expect my children to remain in their schools. If DW remarried, I would not expect to put her step children through school as well. If the new spouse already had their kids in a comparable school, there would be no issue, if not there could easily be one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or are some people horrified by all the negative comments here? Sure, bad things can happen, even to UMC families in this area, but c'mmon? Do I live in a bubble? The reality is that, sadly, many marriages fail. My kids' friends at school have divorced parents, I have friends, who are divorced, but most of them remarried and nobody is facing the horrid scenarios that you all are describing.

The opposite, actually. As a child of divorce, now in my 40s, I am grateful that my fellow ACOD are speaking honestly at last. Look, I ended up having a great life, marriage, career, etc of my own -- but for years was pressured, both by my own family and by society at large, to be super resilient, adaptable and embracing so everyone else could feel fine about the divorce, the new partners, the stepsiblings. I'm totally over that charade. It wasn't fine and they're not my real family, and while I wish everyone else well, I'm also not sorry about feeling this way anymore.

PS you have NO idea what scenarios the families you know are facing, and even then, in my experience, kids deflect/coverup/lie. Ask the kids in those families when they are 35, then you'll get a real and less performative and nuanced answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

well to begin with, I would never give Sally the idea that she was being treated unfairly, or that money and things are everything, or that you should spend life fixated on what other people appear to have. By “compensate” I just mean the family would work to find opportunities for Sally to get physical activity and participate in sports (tons of free/cheap things to do), take inexpensive vacations, and develop a positive and fun family atmosphere and traditions.

I’ll say it again - this all has to do with the adults and their values, not the need for stepkids to be treated equally on paper.

So you have no answer.

they have an answer, sitting down a 9 year old and explaining that live isn't fair and that even though she like gymnastics and is better than her sister, she's going to have to spend weekends driving to far flung gyms to watch her sister because life isn't fair. She'll then understand perfectly, go sit down with her copy of Atlas Shrugged and be perfectly content while her sister does her routine.

Exactly. You can try to explain your insane coldhearted opinions to them, but they will hate you anyway. It doesn't matter if you still think you are right. Teenagers can make your life hell if they really feel aggrieved.

In this case it would be REALLY hard for a little kid to swallow that their sister gets to do gymnastics or travel soccer or whatever activity they both love and you can’t. This would make every dinner, every activity event hell for everyone involved.

It is stuff like this that destroys families. This is the reason that second marriages with kids almost always end in divorce.

Ok you’re right. if you don’t have the brainpower to figure out how to manage a situation where kids play on different sports teams, then yes, you do not have the good sense to manage a blended family and you should never remarry.

The rest of us can come up with multiple ways to make it work.

The example was not “kids being in different teams” which would be supper easy. Agreed. The example is both kids love the same sport and ONE gets to play in an expensive club involving travel and the other can’t. The child’s other bio parent is footing the bill. How do you deal with going to travel soccer games as a family when the children are the same age and only one gets to play?

Please explain your “good sense” approach that wouldn’t make the less affluent kid feel like crap — and rub it in her face every other week. So far, all you’ve said is that you have the “brainpower” to do it. No solutions.

I for one, used my good sense and brainpower to stay married instead of trying to explain to my kid why she has to be treated like Cinderella. You do you.

You're creating the most extreme "Cinderella" set-up and assuming that the parents have no ability to remedy it at all. I'm not sure how that's supposed to be a helpful contribution. You're trying to prove your case (that all divorced people are terrible?) by creating a hypothetical situation with no possible exit.

But to reiterate - I think kids can very much understand that their step siblings have different resources. I think it's the grownup bean counters who think it is a total catastrophe that Larla "gets" to do travel gymnastics, and Susie does not, are the ones who create the set up for this to be a disaster. There are all sorts of ways that parents can make sure that both kids get their needs meaningfully met. A successful remarriage would have to be predicated on that, not that each child gets everything exactly equal, or it will be a disaster.

Really, all this example does is prove your own values are almost exclusively material, and you can't imagine a world where Susie is perfectly happy and secure even while Larla gets to do "travel gymnastics."

not at all, you're forgetting the second part- namely that Susie knows her sister is able to do things that she can't even though they are ostensibly sisters. The cinderella trope exists because there is some underlying truth to the relationship between step parents, their step children and their bio children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or are some people horrified by all the negative comments here? Sure, bad things can happen, even to UMC families in this area, but c'mmon? Do I live in a bubble? The reality is that, sadly, many marriages fail. My kids' friends at school have divorced parents, I have friends, who are divorced, but most of them remarried and nobody is facing the horrid scenarios that you all are describing.

This is one PP who is fixated on travel soccer and the fact that she managed to "stay married" ... apparently so she can spend all her time on travel soccer? I dunno.

I had a blended family growing up that was a sh*tshow, but the one good thing was that all the step-sibs got along. Largely because we all saw how crappy our mutual parents would be. In fact we created stepsibling bonds by complaining about "the parents." And, there were a lot of differences between us. My sibs and I were all academically advanced and went to top colleges with scholarships. The older kids all went to public schools, and the younger ones to private. My step-sibs really struggled in school and ended up needed a lot more support. Although I have plenty of complaints about how I was treated, I never resented what my step-sibs got.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

well to begin with, I would never give Sally the idea that she was being treated unfairly, or that money and things are everything, or that you should spend life fixated on what other people appear to have. By “compensate” I just mean the family would work to find opportunities for Sally to get physical activity and participate in sports (tons of free/cheap things to do), take inexpensive vacations, and develop a positive and fun family atmosphere and traditions.

I’ll say it again - this all has to do with the adults and their values, not the need for stepkids to be treated equally on paper.

So you have no answer.

they have an answer, sitting down a 9 year old and explaining that live isn't fair and that even though she like gymnastics and is better than her sister, she's going to have to spend weekends driving to far flung gyms to watch her sister because life isn't fair. She'll then understand perfectly, go sit down with her copy of Atlas Shrugged and be perfectly content while her sister does her routine.

Exactly. You can try to explain your insane coldhearted opinions to them, but they will hate you anyway. It doesn't matter if you still think you are right. Teenagers can make your life hell if they really feel aggrieved.

In this case it would be REALLY hard for a little kid to swallow that their sister gets to do gymnastics or travel soccer or whatever activity they both love and you can’t. This would make every dinner, every activity event hell for everyone involved.

It is stuff like this that destroys families. This is the reason that second marriages with kids almost always end in divorce.

Ok you’re right. if you don’t have the brainpower to figure out how to manage a situation where kids play on different sports teams, then yes, you do not have the good sense to manage a blended family and you should never remarry.

The rest of us can come up with multiple ways to make it work.

The example was not “kids being in different teams” which would be supper easy. Agreed. The example is both kids love the same sport and ONE gets to play in an expensive club involving travel and the other can’t. The child’s other bio parent is footing the bill. How do you deal with going to travel soccer games as a family when the children are the same age and only one gets to play?

Please explain your “good sense” approach that wouldn’t make the less affluent kid feel like crap — and rub it in her face every other week. So far, all you’ve said is that you have the “brainpower” to do it. No solutions.

I for one, used my good sense and brainpower to stay married instead of trying to explain to my kid why she has to be treated like Cinderella. You do you.

You're creating the most extreme "Cinderella" set-up and assuming that the parents have no ability to remedy it at all. I'm not sure how that's supposed to be a helpful contribution. You're trying to prove your case (that all divorced people are terrible?) by creating a hypothetical situation with no possible exit.

But to reiterate - I think kids can very much understand that their step siblings have different resources. I think it's the grownup bean counters who think it is a total catastrophe that Larla "gets" to do travel gymnastics, and Susie does not, are the ones who create the set up for this to be a disaster. There are all sorts of ways that parents can make sure that both kids get their needs meaningfully met. A successful remarriage would have to be predicated on that, not that each child gets everything exactly equal, or it will be a disaster.

Really, all this example does is prove your own values are almost exclusively material, and you can't imagine a world where Susie is perfectly happy and secure even while Larla gets to do "travel gymnastics."

not at all, you're forgetting the second part- namely that Susie knows her sister is able to do things that she can't even though they are ostensibly sisters. The cinderella trope exists because there is some underlying truth to the relationship between step parents, their step children and their bio children

again, you are entirely fixated on the notion that kids are equally fixated on "what other kids get." that's just not true, and I'm sorry that you live in a milleau where travel soccer is the pinnacle of child achievement.

and there are differences between biological siblings as well. one will be academically talented, the other less so. one will have mental health or physical health problems, the other won't. in larger families, entire cohorts of kids end up treated very differently based on their birth order. with some thoughtfulness parents can even all of this out, and kid understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

well to begin with, I would never give Sally the idea that she was being treated unfairly, or that money and things are everything, or that you should spend life fixated on what other people appear to have. By “compensate” I just mean the family would work to find opportunities for Sally to get physical activity and participate in sports (tons of free/cheap things to do), take inexpensive vacations, and develop a positive and fun family atmosphere and traditions.

I’ll say it again - this all has to do with the adults and their values, not the need for stepkids to be treated equally on paper.

So you have no answer.

they have an answer, sitting down a 9 year old and explaining that live isn't fair and that even though she like gymnastics and is better than her sister, she's going to have to spend weekends driving to far flung gyms to watch her sister because life isn't fair. She'll then understand perfectly, go sit down with her copy of Atlas Shrugged and be perfectly content while her sister does her routine.

Exactly. You can try to explain your insane coldhearted opinions to them, but they will hate you anyway. It doesn't matter if you still think you are right. Teenagers can make your life hell if they really feel aggrieved.

In this case it would be REALLY hard for a little kid to swallow that their sister gets to do gymnastics or travel soccer or whatever activity they both love and you can’t. This would make every dinner, every activity event hell for everyone involved.

It is stuff like this that destroys families. This is the reason that second marriages with kids almost always end in divorce.

Ok you’re right. if you don’t have the brainpower to figure out how to manage a situation where kids play on different sports teams, then yes, you do not have the good sense to manage a blended family and you should never remarry.

The rest of us can come up with multiple ways to make it work.

The example was not “kids being in different teams” which would be supper easy. Agreed. The example is both kids love the same sport and ONE gets to play in an expensive club involving travel and the other can’t. The child’s other bio parent is footing the bill. How do you deal with going to travel soccer games as a family when the children are the same age and only one gets to play?

Please explain your “good sense” approach that wouldn’t make the less affluent kid feel like crap — and rub it in her face every other week. So far, all you’ve said is that you have the “brainpower” to do it. No solutions.

I for one, used my good sense and brainpower to stay married instead of trying to explain to my kid why she has to be treated like Cinderella. You do you.

You're creating the most extreme "Cinderella" set-up and assuming that the parents have no ability to remedy it at all. I'm not sure how that's supposed to be a helpful contribution. You're trying to prove your case (that all divorced people are terrible?) by creating a hypothetical situation with no possible exit.

But to reiterate - I think kids can very much understand that their step siblings have different resources. I think it's the grownup bean counters who think it is a total catastrophe that Larla "gets" to do travel gymnastics, and Susie does not, are the ones who create the set up for this to be a disaster. There are all sorts of ways that parents can make sure that both kids get their needs meaningfully met. A successful remarriage would have to be predicated on that, not that each child gets everything exactly equal, or it will be a disaster.

Really, all this example does is prove your own values are almost exclusively material, and you can't imagine a world where Susie is perfectly happy and secure even while Larla gets to do "travel gymnastics."

not at all, you're forgetting the second part- namely that Susie knows her sister is able to do things that she can't even though they are ostensibly sisters. The cinderella trope exists because there is some underlying truth to the relationship between step parents, their step children and their bio children

here's the thing - they are not sisters. they are STEP sisters. and kids realize that. you create issues precisely when you set up a framework that "you two are sistersss!!!" in the blended families that succeed, there is no such pressure and all the separate family structures are respected and allowed to evolve. the trouble comes when the grownups believe that things have to appear perfect and be perfectly equal on paper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seriously seeing someone for 3 years. We each have a child with an ex-spouse, one is 9, one is 4. 9 yo is 50/50, 4 yo is 70/30 (with us). I’d like to get married and have 1-2 more children but I’m struggling with how that will impact the current kids. On one hand, they’re all young and could grow up together part time, but I don’t want them to feel left out of a “traditional family”.

I’d love to hear any experiences (good or bad) with blended families like this.

Hi OP,

I saw lots of negative responses, but it seems to me that many are geared toward the harm that comes from divorce. It seems like that ship has sailed for your children and for your step children. If you want more children and your partner wants more children too, then you should have more. You cannot control whether your kids will be close up their half- and step-siblings. Just try to make sure that you won’t end up divorcing again after another round of kids. Our blended family is not perfect, but very few families are. At least I am modeling a loving and respectful relationship to all of my children (bio and step).

Good luck, OP!

Exactly how do you propose someone make themselves "divorce-proof" especially when they have minor children they are responsible for? You may think you are being a perfect role model but you have no clue what is simmering underneath. No clue whatsoever. Just because you aren't divorced yet doesn't mean it still can't happen. [/i]Wait until some catastrophe happens and YOUR biological child needs special resources which your spouse may balk at. (Think: Teen kid gets into serious trouble, necessitating huge legal bills or rehab costs or raising a child as a result of teen pregnancy.[i]

And why must the stepparent undertake these problems and the financial burden? What’s in it for the stepparent to provide these ridiculous resources? Don’t malign the non-kid spouse just because they would be reluctant to aid troublemaker stepkids.

A stepparent who is not willing to help minor step children financially should not get married. correct.

IMO a stepparent should not pay anything towards raising someone else's kid(s). Ever. That's why it's best to not get married since you will be legally bound with any kind of mess those stepkids can get into. Likewise, if YOUR kid has problems you may find yourself trying to choose between your spouse and your kid. If you go on and have joint children, you've added yet another layer of problem - which kids get resources? What if your joint minor child who is bright and has great potential wants to go to an expensive school but Stepkid 1 needs an attorney because he is facing serious jail time?

Unfortunately, parenthood does not seem to end at the age of majority anymore. Parental responsibility is being pushed for "kids" well into their 20s and even 30s.

Let's say you have your own bio child. You marry someone with 2 bio children. Your bio kid completes education, launches successfully, begins a family and is fine.

Your stepkids have issues though. Stepkid 1 has had drug problems since teen years and as stepparent you've helped foot the bill for rehab twice while they were a minor. Now an adult, Stepkid 1 still has drug problems, has been arrested and needs an attorney. You spouse demands "the best" for his adult kid and wants to hire a high-priced attorney for his adult kid - which means dipping into your retirement account.

Stepkid 2 quit school, spent time partying, then rushed into marriage with a bad boy followed by a quick pregnancy because she had baby fever. Baby Daddy decides parenthood is not for him, doesn't pay support because he is an unemployable drop-out and takes off. Stepkid 2 has an infant to raise and no income with poor career options. Your spouse says he wants to subsidize her rent and other expenses since he knows they can't move in with you. You then discover Stepkid 2 is back out partying all night, baby's needs are being neglected and there is a threat of child protective services being called. Stepkid 2 calls crying, wanting spouse and you to help financially. Your spouse says this is my grandkid and I must do all that I can. This means paying for daily child care in addition to all other expenses until such time as Stepkid 2 can get her act together.

What do you say to all this? Your spouse never, not once, had to pay a penny towards your child at any point. You, however, are being asked to make some serious financial and household concessions for your stepkids - including your retirement plans. Oh, and by the way, both Stepkid 1 and Stepkid 2 have made it obvious that they can't stand you and give you the cold shoulder every time they see you.

On the other hand, what if the situation were reversed and these were YOUR two children? Would you want the same for them? Would you expect your spouse to subsidize your adult kids?

This is not a fake scenario. These two kids were raised in a high-income DC suburb. It can happen anywhere.

These are the kinds of issues people need to discuss when children are involved. I think most people, deep down, would put their bio children ahead of any subsequent spouse. And if they answered this question honestly, then you can see why people should NOT get married again once they've had children. Ever. Even senior citizen couples have problems dealing with adult stepkids and grandkids.

Date. Enjoy each other's company. But always, always, always have an out for you (and your kids) so that you can extricate yourself if need be. You must remain financially independent at all times.

I'd say, if you aren't willing to work through these types of issues and come to a joint and fair decision with your spouse, then yes, you probably should not get remarried. I'd definitely get a pre-nup to protect the 401k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

well to begin with, I would never give Sally the idea that she was being treated unfairly, or that money and things are everything, or that you should spend life fixated on what other people appear to have. By “compensate” I just mean the family would work to find opportunities for Sally to get physical activity and participate in sports (tons of free/cheap things to do), take inexpensive vacations, and develop a positive and fun family atmosphere and traditions.

I’ll say it again - this all has to do with the adults and their values, not the need for stepkids to be treated equally on paper.

So you have no answer.

they have an answer, sitting down a 9 year old and explaining that live isn't fair and that even though she like gymnastics and is better than her sister, she's going to have to spend weekends driving to far flung gyms to watch her sister because life isn't fair. She'll then understand perfectly, go sit down with her copy of Atlas Shrugged and be perfectly content while her sister does her routine.

Exactly. You can try to explain your insane coldhearted opinions to them, but they will hate you anyway. It doesn't matter if you still think you are right. Teenagers can make your life hell if they really feel aggrieved.

In this case it would be REALLY hard for a little kid to swallow that their sister gets to do gymnastics or travel soccer or whatever activity they both love and you can’t. This would make every dinner, every activity event hell for everyone involved.

It is stuff like this that destroys families. This is the reason that second marriages with kids almost always end in divorce.

Ok you’re right. if you don’t have the brainpower to figure out how to manage a situation where kids play on different sports teams, then yes, you do not have the good sense to manage a blended family and you should never remarry.

The rest of us can come up with multiple ways to make it work.

The example was not “kids being in different teams” which would be supper easy. Agreed. The example is both kids love the same sport and ONE gets to play in an expensive club involving travel and the other can’t. The child’s other bio parent is footing the bill. How do you deal with going to travel soccer games as a family when the children are the same age and only one gets to play?

Please explain your “good sense” approach that wouldn’t make the less affluent kid feel like crap — and rub it in her face every other week. So far, all you’ve said is that you have the “brainpower” to do it. No solutions.

I for one, used my good sense and brainpower to stay married instead of trying to explain to my kid why she has to be treated like Cinderella. You do you.

You're creating the most extreme "Cinderella" set-up and assuming that the parents have no ability to remedy it at all. I'm not sure how that's supposed to be a helpful contribution. You're trying to prove your case (that all divorced people are terrible?) by creating a hypothetical situation with no possible exit.

But to reiterate - I think kids can very much understand that their step siblings have different resources. I think it's the grownup bean counters who think it is a total catastrophe that Larla "gets" to do travel gymnastics, and Susie does not, are the ones who create the set up for this to be a disaster. There are all sorts of ways that parents can make sure that both kids get their needs meaningfully met. A successful remarriage would have to be predicated on that, not that each child gets everything exactly equal, or it will be a disaster.

Really, all this example does is prove your own values are almost exclusively material, and you can't imagine a world where Susie is perfectly happy and secure even while Larla gets to do "travel gymnastics."

not at all, you're forgetting the second part- namely that Susie knows her sister is able to do things that she can't even though they are ostensibly sisters. The cinderella trope exists because there is some underlying truth to the relationship between step parents, their step children and their bio children

here's the thing - they are not sisters. they are STEP sisters. and kids realize that. you create issues precisely when you set up a framework that "you two are sistersss!!!" in the blended families that succeed, there is no such pressure and all the separate family structures are respected and allowed to evolve. the trouble comes when the grownups believe that things have to appear perfect and be perfectly equal on paper.

as someone who grew up in a family like they, nope 7 year old me thought I had a new sister. 18 year old me pretended that I was fine with everything and that I loved my sister and father. 25 year old me despised and resented her and all the advantages she had, mainly around schooling and then college. Now I just pretend she doesn't exist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or are some people horrified by all the negative comments here? Sure, bad things can happen, even to UMC families in this area, but c'mmon? Do I live in a bubble? The reality is that, sadly, many marriages fail. My kids' friends at school have divorced parents, I have friends, who are divorced, but most of them remarried and nobody is facing the horrid scenarios that you all are describing.

The opposite, actually. As a child of divorce, now in my 40s, I am grateful that my fellow ACOD are speaking honestly at last. Look, I ended up having a great life, marriage, career, etc of my own -- but for years was pressured, both by my own family and by society at large, to be super resilient, adaptable and embracing so everyone else could feel fine about the divorce, the new partners, the stepsiblings. I'm totally over that charade. It wasn't fine and they're not my real family, and while I wish everyone else well, I'm also not sorry about feeling this way anymore.

PS you have NO idea what scenarios the families you know are facing, and even then, in my experience, kids deflect/coverup/lie. Ask the kids in those families when they are 35, then you'll get a real and less performative and nuanced answer.

+1000! I am just so extremely done dealing with the pressure to accommodate divorce and all its consequences. I DGAF about these people and never ever will. Their feelings about their family are not mine to manage or cater to. If they are disappointed in the outcome, well, so is everyone else so cry me a river.

Kids of divorce have no idea what is actually in store for them. If they say they are fine with it, either they are telling you what you want to hear or they are just naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

well to begin with, I would never give Sally the idea that she was being treated unfairly, or that money and things are everything, or that you should spend life fixated on what other people appear to have. By “compensate” I just mean the family would work to find opportunities for Sally to get physical activity and participate in sports (tons of free/cheap things to do), take inexpensive vacations, and develop a positive and fun family atmosphere and traditions.

I’ll say it again - this all has to do with the adults and their values, not the need for stepkids to be treated equally on paper.

So you have no answer.

they have an answer, sitting down a 9 year old and explaining that live isn't fair and that even though she like gymnastics and is better than her sister, she's going to have to spend weekends driving to far flung gyms to watch her sister because life isn't fair. She'll then understand perfectly, go sit down with her copy of Atlas Shrugged and be perfectly content while her sister does her routine.

Exactly. You can try to explain your insane coldhearted opinions to them, but they will hate you anyway. It doesn't matter if you still think you are right. Teenagers can make your life hell if they really feel aggrieved.

In this case it would be REALLY hard for a little kid to swallow that their sister gets to do gymnastics or travel soccer or whatever activity they both love and you can’t. This would make every dinner, every activity event hell for everyone involved.

It is stuff like this that destroys families. This is the reason that second marriages with kids almost always end in divorce.

Ok you’re right. if you don’t have the brainpower to figure out how to manage a situation where kids play on different sports teams, then yes, you do not have the good sense to manage a blended family and you should never remarry.

The rest of us can come up with multiple ways to make it work.

The example was not “kids being in different teams” which would be supper easy. Agreed. The example is both kids love the same sport and ONE gets to play in an expensive club involving travel and the other can’t. The child’s other bio parent is footing the bill. How do you deal with going to travel soccer games as a family when the children are the same age and only one gets to play?

Please explain your “good sense” approach that wouldn’t make the less affluent kid feel like crap — and rub it in her face every other week. So far, all you’ve said is that you have the “brainpower” to do it. No solutions.

I for one, used my good sense and brainpower to stay married instead of trying to explain to my kid why she has to be treated like Cinderella. You do you.

You're creating the most extreme "Cinderella" set-up and assuming that the parents have no ability to remedy it at all. I'm not sure how that's supposed to be a helpful contribution. You're trying to prove your case (that all divorced people are terrible?) by creating a hypothetical situation with no possible exit.

But to reiterate - I think kids can very much understand that their step siblings have different resources. I think it's the grownup bean counters who think it is a total catastrophe that Larla "gets" to do travel gymnastics, and Susie does not, are the ones who create the set up for this to be a disaster. There are all sorts of ways that parents can make sure that both kids get their needs meaningfully met. A successful remarriage would have to be predicated on that, not that each child gets everything exactly equal, or it will be a disaster.

Really, all this example does is prove your own values are almost exclusively material, and you can't imagine a world where Susie is perfectly happy and secure even while Larla gets to do "travel gymnastics."

not at all, you're forgetting the second part- namely that Susie knows her sister is able to do things that she can't even though they are ostensibly sisters. The cinderella trope exists because there is some underlying truth to the relationship between step parents, their step children and their bio children

again, you are entirely fixated on the notion that kids are equally fixated on "what other kids get." that's just not true, and I'm sorry that you live in a milleau where travel soccer is the pinnacle of child achievement.

and there are differences between biological siblings as well. one will be academically talented, the other less so. one will have mental health or physical health problems, the other won't. in larger families, entire cohorts of kids end up treated very differently based on their birth order. with some thoughtfulness parents can even all of this out, and kid understand.

OMG. You’re ignoring the real problem. It’s not about travel soccer or gymnastics. It’s about both children in a family having similar interests and having to watch her step sibling get things they desperately want.

You’ve exemplified how you would deal with it: You would expect the less affluent child to get over it and learn that life isn’t fair and stop bugging you with her kid problems. That puts the burden of your choices on your child. Eventually even the most self centered if parents will notice their child is having a hard time coping with her sister going to cheer camp that she has to skip, or travel soccer or violin camp or whatever it is that matters to the kid. Eventually, despite your best efforts to ignore and minimize your child’s feelings you will have to deal with it — either through a tumultuous relationship with your child or friction with your spouse.

Your insistence that if you belittle your child’s feelings enough the conflict will go away is very immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or are some people horrified by all the negative comments here? Sure, bad things can happen, even to UMC families in this area, but c'mmon? Do I live in a bubble? The reality is that, sadly, many marriages fail. My kids' friends at school have divorced parents, I have friends, who are divorced, but most of them remarried and nobody is facing the horrid scenarios that you all are describing.

The opposite, actually. As a child of divorce, now in my 40s, I am grateful that my fellow ACOD are speaking honestly at last. Look, I ended up having a great life, marriage, career, etc of my own -- but for years was pressured, both by my own family and by society at large, to be super resilient, adaptable and embracing so everyone else could feel fine about the divorce, the new partners, the stepsiblings. I'm totally over that charade. It wasn't fine and they're not my real family, and while I wish everyone else well, I'm also not sorry about feeling this way anymore.

PS you have NO idea what scenarios the families you know are facing, and even then, in my experience, kids deflect/coverup/lie. Ask the kids in those families when they are 35, then you'll get a real and less performative and nuanced answer.

+1000! I am just so extremely done dealing with the pressure to accommodate divorce and all its consequences. I DGAF about these people and never ever will. Their feelings about their family are not mine to manage or cater to. If they are disappointed in the outcome, well, so is everyone else so cry me a river.

Kids of divorce have no idea what is actually in store for them. If they say they are fine with it, either they are telling you what you want to hear or they are just naive.

YES thank you, seriously, this is all truth.

- Adult child of divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or are some people horrified by all the negative comments here? Sure, bad things can happen, even to UMC families in this area, but c'mmon? Do I live in a bubble? The reality is that, sadly, many marriages fail. My kids' friends at school have divorced parents, I have friends, who are divorced, but most of them remarried and nobody is facing the horrid scenarios that you all are describing.

The opposite, actually. As a child of divorce, now in my 40s, I am grateful that my fellow ACOD are speaking honestly at last. Look, I ended up having a great life, marriage, career, etc of my own -- but for years was pressured, both by my own family and by society at large, to be super resilient, adaptable and embracing so everyone else could feel fine about the divorce, the new partners, the stepsiblings. I'm totally over that charade. It wasn't fine and they're not my real family, and while I wish everyone else well, I'm also not sorry about feeling this way anymore.

PS you have NO idea what scenarios the families you know are facing, and even then, in my experience, kids deflect/coverup/lie. Ask the kids in those families when they are 35, then you'll get a real and less performative and nuanced answer.

+1000! I am just so extremely done dealing with the pressure to accommodate divorce and all its consequences. I DGAF about these people and never ever will. Their feelings about their family are not mine to manage or cater to. If they are disappointed in the outcome, well, so is everyone else so cry me a river.

Kids of divorce have no idea what is actually in store for them. If they say they are fine with it, either they are telling you what you want to hear or they are just naive.

YES thank you, seriously, this is all truth.

- Adult child of divorce

+1. "Resilient" is self-serving BS. Yes, the kids can deal with it. They won't die. Life goes on. But this insistence that we as a society are forced to pretend that divorce does no damage to children is a lie.