Why do men assume their wife will become a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Are you looking for a war? They don't assume anything. My husband suggested it as an option as I wasn't happy at work and it wasn't something I considered. I am thankful for the option and took it.

[Anonymous]

I would say maybe 15% of the moms at DSs school and work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine expected me to stay home and handle all of the kid and house stuff.....while still making 6 figures. Not sure how that works. But when I was SAHM, he resented that I didn’t make money. When I worked, he resented that it infringed on his career.

I think males in our society are raised to be entitled, while females are raised to sacrifice for others. They’re deep seated cultural beliefs that most people don’t even realize they have.

I see it even among SAH parents - SAHMs do way more for their kids, while the SAHDs I see are focused on themselves and ignore their kids, play on their phone, etc.

+1

I was SAH for about six months after my daughter was born and have been WFH with some part-time childcare since then. I view my time with my child as an opportunity to spend time with my child, not a vacation. I have always invested a lot of energy into making sure we are doing things that are stimulating for her, reading to her, paying attention to what she eats, to her schedule, to making sure she is getting enough sleep, to teaching her about the world and also just having lots of quality time with her playing and cuddling and connecting.

My husband can do this for one hour, max. Even that is pushing it -- he's usually on his phone in 15 minutes. When I am working on weekends and he is with our child, she will always wind up coming to find me at reliable times because she is getting hungry or bored and he isn't paying close enough attention to her or to the time. I frequently have to stop my work to pop my head in and say "Has she eaten lunch?" He would also let her watch hours of television uninterrupted if he didn't know I'd be pissed about this. I am certain that when I have to be out of the house for work events and he is home with her, that he plops her in front of the television for hours. Nevermind that if one of our sitters had ever done this with her, he'd be livid ("what are we paying her for?").

Also when he stays home with her so I can do a work thing, I always come home to a messy house and not only is there no dinner in the works, he has barely thought about it. When I am home with our daughter, I'm always keeping track of how messy the house is, cleaning as I'm going, doing a deep clean once a week (all while also getting work done and supervising our sitter). I plan meals several days in advance so we are never at a total loss for what to do for dinner (even if it's just "okay, casserole monday, leftovers tuesday, then take-out wednesday so we can have a break").

The pandemic has made him a little better, but the pull of his phone, zoning out, and not caring is still very strong. He still approaches our lives much as he did when we were in our late 20s with no kid and two jobs out of the house. It doesn't occur to him that we can't just postpone Saturday breakfast until he feels like it -- our kid will lose her mind if she doesn't get breakfast until 11:30. We can't just ignore her schedule -- if she doesn't take naps eat timely meals and go to bed at a reasonable time, she becomes grumpy and challenging. But then when he does this stuff he blames her (she doesn't listen to me like she listens to you) instead of looking for ways to parent better so that she stays regulated. I don't even consider myself a strict or rule-following mom in this respect -- I just pay attention to my kid and try to anticipate her basic needs and then respond to her behavior with solutions instead of just assuming she's an asshole.

I hope that as our daughter gets older and can talk to him more (and regulate some of her needs on her own) that he will grow into his role more. I have to be careful not to criticize or suggest too much because he gets defensive. But there's no question to me that I am an active, attentive parent and he is not. He could not cut it as a SAHD, and if he did it, I think we'd be dealing with a ton of behavioral issues right now. I think his parents set terrible examples for him and that he honestly has no idea how to parent young children and most of what he is able to do well now is because I have set a good example. It's alarming. No one taught me how to do this either, but I a have been motivated to learn. I don't get why he is not.

You said it so well, this is 100% us as well.
I don't think DH's parents were terrible examples though- both worked outside the home and he and his siblings had nannies growing up, but I think his mom still took on the bulk of emotional labor at home, whether it was making sure kids were doing well at school, connecting with them on the weekends, or taking care of/ planning the family's social schedule outside of work and school.
I guess if I had the same laissez faire attitude as DH and let them generally grow up without much parental involvement things would be much more equal around the house, but I just can't seem to let that go, like my subconscience tells me I'll regret it or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's because they can't wrap their heads around doing what parents in a two-career family need to do to manage a household, which is basically constant toil and a lot of executive functioning. They can't fathom it so they assume SAHM is the only answer.

Call me old fashioned, tell me I’ve set women back, but I had always wanted to be a SAHM since I was a little girl.

I had a career post college for about 8 years, met the man I’ve been married to for 25 years. We had similar life goals and he was supportive of me becoming a SAHM (or I wouldn’t have married him). Was a SAHM for 15 years. Loved it.

DH didn’t assume - his mom worked outside of the home. My MIL was never supportive of me becoming a SAHM and was openly critical, but that’s another story for a new thread!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's because they can't wrap their heads around doing what parents in a two-career family need to do to manage a household, which is basically constant toil and a lot of executive functioning. They can't fathom it so they assume SAHM is the only answer.

Call me old fashioned, tell me I’ve set women back, but I had always wanted to be a SAHM since I was a little girl.

I had a career post college for about 8 years, met the man I’ve been married to for 25 years. We had similar life goals and he was supportive of me becoming a SAHM (or I wouldn’t have married him). Was a SAHM for 15 years. Loved it.

DH didn’t assume - his mom worked outside of the home. My MIL was never supportive of me becoming a SAHM and was openly critical, but that’s another story for a new thread!

Your story really isn't for this thread either as you CHOSE to be a SAHM. Your DH didn't assume you would be or pressure you into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you looking for a war? They don't assume anything. My husband suggested it as an option as I wasn't happy at work and it wasn't something I considered. I am thankful for the option and took it.

Can you read? you CHOSE to be a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine expected me to stay home and handle all of the kid and house stuff.....while still making 6 figures. Not sure how that works. But when I was SAHM, he resented that I didn’t make money. When I worked, he resented that it infringed on his career.

I think males in our society are raised to be entitled, while females are raised to sacrifice for others. They’re deep seated cultural beliefs that most people don’t even realize they have.

I see it even among SAH parents - SAHMs do way more for their kids, while the SAHDs I see are focused on themselves and ignore their kids, play on their phone, etc.

+1

I was SAH for about six months after my daughter was born and have been WFH with some part-time childcare since then. I view my time with my child as an opportunity to spend time with my child, not a vacation. I have always invested a lot of energy into making sure we are doing things that are stimulating for her, reading to her, paying attention to what she eats, to her schedule, to making sure she is getting enough sleep, to teaching her about the world and also just having lots of quality time with her playing and cuddling and connecting.

My husband can do this for one hour, max. Even that is pushing it -- he's usually on his phone in 15 minutes. When I am working on weekends and he is with our child, she will always wind up coming to find me at reliable times because she is getting hungry or bored and he isn't paying close enough attention to her or to the time. I frequently have to stop my work to pop my head in and say "Has she eaten lunch?" He would also let her watch hours of television uninterrupted if he didn't know I'd be pissed about this. I am certain that when I have to be out of the house for work events and he is home with her, that he plops her in front of the television for hours. Nevermind that if one of our sitters had ever done this with her, he'd be livid ("what are we paying her for?").

Also when he stays home with her so I can do a work thing, I always come home to a messy house and not only is there no dinner in the works, he has barely thought about it. When I am home with our daughter, I'm always keeping track of how messy the house is, cleaning as I'm going, doing a deep clean once a week (all while also getting work done and supervising our sitter). I plan meals several days in advance so we are never at a total loss for what to do for dinner (even if it's just "okay, casserole monday, leftovers tuesday, then take-out wednesday so we can have a break").

The pandemic has made him a little better, but the pull of his phone, zoning out, and not caring is still very strong. He still approaches our lives much as he did when we were in our late 20s with no kid and two jobs out of the house. It doesn't occur to him that we can't just postpone Saturday breakfast until he feels like it -- our kid will lose her mind if she doesn't get breakfast until 11:30. We can't just ignore her schedule -- if she doesn't take naps eat timely meals and go to bed at a reasonable time, she becomes grumpy and challenging. But then when he does this stuff he blames her (she doesn't listen to me like she listens to you) instead of looking for ways to parent better so that she stays regulated. I don't even consider myself a strict or rule-following mom in this respect -- I just pay attention to my kid and try to anticipate her basic needs and then respond to her behavior with solutions instead of just assuming she's an asshole.

I hope that as our daughter gets older and can talk to him more (and regulate some of her needs on her own) that he will grow into his role more. I have to be careful not to criticize or suggest too much because he gets defensive. But there's no question to me that I am an active, attentive parent and he is not. He could not cut it as a SAHD, and if he did it, I think we'd be dealing with a ton of behavioral issues right now. I think his parents set terrible examples for him and that he honestly has no idea how to parent young children and most of what he is able to do well now is because I have set a good example. It's alarming. No one taught me how to do this either, but I a have been motivated to learn. I don't get why he is not.

So many men sound so selfish. It makes them hardly appealing, and I am not gay!

I remember once going on a field trip with my child (I took a vacation day from work). A dad was there, who I know is a cardiac surgeon). I watched him on the trip, and I don't think he spent more than 3 minutes with his son. he made no attempt to interact with him. On the bus ride home, I heard him call his wife and say how great it was for him to have quality time with the boy.

Men and women are different. It was touched upon a couple of posts back. Men simply aren't as emotionally and mentally connected to their kids as most women are. The dad may very well have had a great time "connecting" with his kid. If the kid is male, he likely felt the same. This is likely the reason most caregivers are female: males simply aren't equipped to do it to women's standards. Not saying dad won't keep the kid alive, just that that is the most you can expect.

I disagree. I was raised by a single father who was more heavily involved with us than any mom I've ever known. So they *can* do it, most just choose not to.

I agree with above PP. This is not biology, it's socialization. We are socialized this way from birth. Women are taught to be caregivers and shamed when they are not. There are women who don't want to be moms and get relentless pressure from others to have kids and take care of those kids.

There are probably more men than you know of who would love to stop having the burden of being the sole bread winner and stay home with their kids, but they'd take so much sh*t if they did . Not to mention that it is the sexism in our current society that leads to most women having the lower paying jobs.

Ypu bring up a good point about there still being a stigma for SAHD, so maybe that is part of the reason many men don't offer themselves as the SAHP. It's such a Catch 22 women are underpaid, but we basically force them to be the ones to stay home, and then use that as an excuse to underpay them.

We could do better acrosss the board for parental leave, so there's no stigma, and either parent will be comfortable taking the time off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with awoman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?


Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.


To be fair, I now one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of ecpexting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

Not my husband. I have a PhD and worked full time before our twins. When I brought up the idea of staying at home with them for a few years he was completely against it. He said if he wanted a trophy sahm type of woman he would have married one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you looking for a war? They don't assume anything. My husband suggested it as an option as I wasn't happy at work and it wasn't something I considered. I am thankful for the option and took it.

Can you read? you CHOSE to be a SAHM.

Not exactly, more to the story which goes that my child care fell through a few days before I was to returning no family help. Then, SN child, then had to take care of my MIL and my health issues.....but, that was the topic. I'm not sure it was a choice as at some point my child had daily therapies and my mil need 24/7 care plus a bunch of other bad stuff happened in our life that would of made it hard to work. My husband would gladly stay home.

Glad your life has been very different than mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with awoman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?


Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.


To be fair, I now one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of ecpexting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

As long as SO many women model this "lifestyle" for future generations, it will be hard to change.

There are so many wealthy women on this forum who won't OWN this part of the legacy they are leaving.

It is one thing before your kids start school. It is quite another when your kids are in middle school and high school.
Why is it okay that someone pays for your food and housing, like they do for their children?

The height of irony are the stay at home moms who complain that their husbands don't do enough around the house. How much do you do around his office?

This is coming from a woman, who works outside the home and is a good mom also.

Thanks for doing your part in shaming sahm’s and continuing the mommy wars! Most well adjusted, married humans consider any income earned by either parent as jointly owned, so no, the husband is not “paying” for his very own sahm. Household chores and kids’ stuff are mostly handled by sahm. They don’t just disappear bc the kids are in middle or high school. I doubt your shitty office job is so much more super special or important than housework. Same goes for your husband too. Your retrograde views are disgusting and I’m positive you’re not a good mom bc you’re a judgey bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with awoman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?


Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.


To be fair, I now one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of ecpexting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

Not my husband. I have a PhD and worked full time before our twins. When I brought up the idea of staying at home with them for a few years he was completely against it. He said if he wanted a trophy sahm type of woman he would have married one!

While I think it's unfair to categorize SAHM as trophies, you bring up an interesting point that others have alluded to women can't win she's always under the man's expectations one way or other. Perhaps as others have said this really needs to be thoroughly discussed before marriage.

ALthough maybe it would't be an issue if it was normalized and subsidized by the governtment for a parnet to stay home for 18 months with pay if they wished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with awoman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?


Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.


To be fair, I now one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of ecpexting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

My husband made it very clear that he did NOT want me quitting my job. I don’t want to quit it either, but his view—and I agree—is that if both people are able-bodied and can work, it’s selfish for one to quit and expect the other to be the sole breadwinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with awoman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?


Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.


To be fair, I now one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of ecpexting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

As long as SO many women model this "lifestyle" for future generations, it will be hard to change.

There are so many wealthy women on this forum who won't OWN this part of the legacy they are leaving.

It is one thing before your kids start school. It is quite another when your kids are in middle school and high school.
Why is it okay that someone pays for your food and housing, like they do for their children?

The height of irony are the stay at home moms who complain that their husbands don't do enough around the house. How much do you do around his office?

This is coming from a woman, who works outside the home and is a good mom also.

Thanks for doing your part in shaming sahm’s and continuing the mommy wars! Most well adjusted, married humans consider any income earned by either parent as jointly owned, so no, the husband is not “paying” for his very own sahm. Household chores and kids’ stuff are mostly handled by sahm. They don’t just disappear bc the kids are in middle or high school. I doubt your shitty office job is so much more super special or important than housework. Same goes for your husband too. Your retrograde views are disgusting and I’m positive you’re not a good mom bc you’re a judgey bitch.

You are no better PP . You could have ignored this response and answered the actual question of the thread, but instead you chose to engage in drama and further the wars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you looking for a war? They don't assume anything. My husband suggested it as an option as I wasn't happy at work and it wasn't something I considered. I am thankful for the option and took it.

Can you read? you CHOSE to be a SAHM.

Not exactly, more to the story which goes that my child care fell through a few days before I was to returning no family help. Then, SN child, then had to take care of my MIL and my health issues.....but, that was the topic. I'm not sure it was a choice as at some point my child had daily therapies and my mil need 24/7 care plus a bunch of other bad stuff happened in our life that would of made it hard to work. My husband would gladly stay home.

Glad your life has been very different than mine.

But what does this have to do with the question being asked? Go look back at the OP?

Did your husband tell you or expect that you would be the one to stay home and take care of your MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with awoman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?


Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.


To be fair, I now one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of ecpexting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

Not my husband. I have a PhD and worked full time before our twins. When I brought up the idea of staying at home with them for a few years he was completely against it. He said if he wanted a trophy sahm type of woman he would have married one!

Honestly, this is almost as bad as the men who expect their wives to quit their jobs and stay home.

Most women I know have advanced degrees, value working, worked before they had kids, and intend to work until retirement age if not longer if they are able.

But most women I know also would have liked (or did) take lengthy maternity leaves or even a few years off around the time their kids are born. It is incredibly hard to return to work quickly after having a baby for many women, and those first few years with an infant/toddler while working a full time job can be really tough. Even the women I know with great childcare arrangements (very good nannies, au pairs, youngish grandparents who want and can provide childcare, or really good daycares) struggle a lot in those early years.

What men need to understand is that kids, and family, don't just happen. Whether a woman wants to stay home with her kids or not, it's not a simple financial cost-benefit, nor is it about "trophy wives" versus working women. Someone has to make the family work as a unit, and it's almost always the woman whether she works or not. I see the allure of SAH because at least the you can focus on that role without the added stress of work. But I also see the allure of staying employed, having more autonomy, and making money.

The problem is that either way, you're going to be doing the bulk of family management, whether that's hiring and managing a nanny or doing the childcare yourself or some combination thereof, plus doing most of the house management, plus making sure everyone makes it to the doctor/dentist... it's endless.

Everyone who thinks they solved it by SAH or going to work, who thinks they beat the system and other women are lazy, or dumb, or suckers -- that attitude is part of the problem.