If your spouse lost all interest in sex, could you stay married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its interesting, on one hand since we have given up on sex the relationship has less tension and we seem to be better friends. On the other, I do get resentful at times this s is my situation at age 43. She is done with sex and made it known. I suppose th nice part of being friends now is I can see us also divorcing and being very civil. She doesn't want to divorce though

These thing just happen: people change over a long term marriage and you really have no choice but to accept it. Some are done with sex, others are done with monogamy. Oh well, like I said, people change and no point blaming anybody, your wife just needs to accept that and go on being close friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know men hate to hear it but sex for much of most women's lives is mental. If she is not 'feeling' you she won't be 'feeling' you.
LIke others above, if i let my DH kiss me, snuggle with me etc I know I am about to get groped and expected to have sex because it gets him horny feeling me. Yes, that is nice to hear, but sometimes I want to just snuggle with my husband or hold his hand without him gearing up for an hour of sex.
That brings me to another point. The length of time. My DH could get done in about 45 seconds but insists on this long drawn out sex act each time. I explain to lets keep it light or how about a quickly but he just wants it all. The touching every inch of my body, the licking me, etc etc. If he could occasionally just do it and be done we would do it a lot more.
Initiating. I do. Almost all of the time because i know when I am up for an hour of sex and when I am not. We do it on average 1x per week, sometimes more. But honestly, other than that I have nothing to give. Times where i go through the mostions and he doesn't feel I am 100% in it becomes a huge fight. Its not all the time i feel this way, but sometimes and I do get into it, just not crazy. But THAT is not good enough for him. So i only initiate when i can give it my all.

See a pattern?? Nothing is ever good enough for DH and sex. THey either want it more, want it more passionate, want it longer. Its like just do it and be done. NO college guy is out there licking his girlfriend who is going crazy for an hour more than 1x per week. Just not happening so why DH thinks as a 45 year old man he should no idea.

Also, my mood for it depends on how his mood is toward me. Weeks where i am stressed and he steps up without me begging him to, i am MUCH MUCH more likely to get it on with him. I hate having to 'mother' him to do things adults should just do (dishes, laundry, vacuum, play with the kids, help with homework). He has never asked my help or reminded me to do one damn thing around the house and it all gets done. I hate having to remind him of things HE should be doing and know about. That is my biggest turn off ever and suspect a lot of men are turning off their hot wives because they force their wives to micromanage them and treat them like children.

Actually it sounds like nothing is ever good enough for YOU. And then you’re just inventing excuses why you don’t want to do it.

[Anonymous]

DH here. I hate that it took me this long to figure it out, but the candor on this thread has finally allowed me this epiphany:

Women don’t want men to learn the truth about them: that they have the characteristic of, as F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote sarcastically, a first-rate mind, in that they believe two contradictory things at the same time yet maintain the ability to function. These two things are that they absolutely will eventually not want anything to do with their husbands sexually but that they also expect their husbands to be completely faithful. Guys, if this is your married future, what will you do about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perennial topic, I know, but I need a place to vent.

This is gradually killing me. Over the last 5 years we’ve gone from occasional, to infrequent, to constant rejection when I get up the nerve to try. She’s not mean or uncaring, but makes anything more than a peck on the lips or chaste hug feel like an imposition. Even casual physical affection (holding hands, playful grabbing, whatever) is pretty much gone.

We’ve been together a long time. We used to have an active, enjoyable sex life, and not just in the first few honeymoon years, so this is hard. She’s not cheating - I say this only because she doesn’t have time - and I’m not interested in cheating (wouldn’t know where to start anyway). The one time I tried to have a conversation about this, she shrugged it off and said something that boiled down to “this is who I am now, we’re not kids anymore, deal with it.” I’m not sure I can.

I guess another attempt at discussing it is the next step. Then maybe suggest counseling. I don’t have high hopes for either.

WWYD?

How old are your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

I'm not even married understand that somehow he needs it, so I just lay there.
I have no idea how his needs take priority.

Ew, no one likes a starfish.

Honestly your husband doesn't want pity sex. They don't want to force you or whine to you in order to get some. They want desire. Sex is an act of love for them.

Oh really? Then why do some of them suck so badly at it?

[Anonymous]

People who like and want sex make time, while people who don’t make excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

I'm not even married understand that somehow he needs it, so I just lay there.
I have no idea how his needs take priority.

Ew, no one likes a starfish.

Honestly your husband doesn't want pity sex. They don't want to force you or whine to you in order to get some. They want desire. Sex is an act of love for them.

Oh really? Then why do some of them suck so badly at it?

If you practiced tennis once a month would you expect to get good at it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know men hate to hear it but sex for much of most women's lives is mental. If she is not 'feeling' you she won't be 'feeling' you.
LIke others above, if i let my DH kiss me, snuggle with me etc I know I am about to get groped and expected to have sex because it gets him horny feeling me. Yes, that is nice to hear, but sometimes I want to just snuggle with my husband or hold his hand without him gearing up for an hour of sex.
That brings me to another point. The length of time. My DH could get done in about 45 seconds but insists on this long drawn out sex act each time. I explain to lets keep it light or how about a quickly but he just wants it all. The touching every inch of my body, the licking me, etc etc. If he could occasionally just do it and be done we would do it a lot more.
Initiating. I do. Almost all of the time because i know when I am up for an hour of sex and when I am not. We do it on average 1x per week, sometimes more. But honestly, other than that I have nothing to give. Times where i go through the mostions and he doesn't feel I am 100% in it becomes a huge fight. Its not all the time i feel this way, but sometimes and I do get into it, just not crazy. But THAT is not good enough for him. So i only initiate when i can give it my all.

See a pattern?? Nothing is ever good enough for DH and sex. THey either want it more, want it more passionate, want it longer. Its like just do it and be done. NO college guy is out there licking his girlfriend who is going crazy for an hour more than 1x per week. Just not happening so why DH thinks as a 45 year old man he should no idea.

Also, my mood for it depends on how his mood is toward me. Weeks where i am stressed and he steps up without me begging him to, i am MUCH MUCH more likely to get it on with him. I hate having to 'mother' him to do things adults should just do (dishes, laundry, vacuum, play with the kids, help with homework). He has never asked my help or reminded me to do one damn thing around the house and it all gets done. I hate having to remind him of things HE should be doing and know about. That is my biggest turn off ever and suspect a lot of men are turning off their hot wives because they force their wives to micromanage them and treat them like children.

Actually it sounds like nothing is ever good enough for YOU. And then you’re just inventing excuses why you don’t want to do it.

Literally she is saying "lets just do it!" and he wants all the bells and whistles everytime. How is this HER issue? She says she initiates and he doesn't. How is this HER issue? She does it at least 1x time per week and you are saying SHE has the problem when she would be happy with more frequent quicker sex? Which is exactly what every man on here is bitching about not getting? Yet again its a woman's problem that she needs to fix? Why can't he be quicker for her. You know a vag gets dry after a bit so prolonging the act is NOT a good thing as we age. But of course we can't discuss what a woman wants.

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been together 10 years and he has started to bore me. We have had no sex in the 2 weeks of isolation but he claims he is just overworked and overtired as we have 2 little ones. I express my frustration but he still is lacking effort and dismissing it. I am not a cuddler by any means but enjoy sex at least once a week.

[Anonymous]

I love sex but I think I could go without sex relatively easily (I'm a woman). But I couldn't live with my spouse rejecting all physical affection. I would still need plenty of kiss/hug/touch stuff to fill in the gap. Rejecting all physical affection is a miserable way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

I'm not even married understand that somehow he needs it, so I just lay there.
I have no idea how his needs take priority.

Ew, no one likes a starfish.

Honestly your husband doesn't want pity sex. They don't want to force you or whine to you in order to get some. They want desire. Sex is an act of love for them.

Oh really? Then why do some of them suck so badly at it?

If you practiced tennis once a month would you expect to get good at it?

Practiced tennis once a month with a partner who just wanted you to get it over with already...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

I'm not even married understand that somehow he needs it, so I just lay there.
I have no idea how his needs take priority.

Ew, no one likes a starfish.

Honestly your husband doesn't want pity sex. They don't want to force you or whine to you in order to get some. They want desire. Sex is an act of love for them.

Oh really? Then why do some of them suck so badly at it?

If you practiced tennis once a month would you expect to get good at it?

Practiced tennis once a month with a partner who just wanted you to get it over with already...

...and never supplies the balls, reserves the court, wants to warm up, or appreciates you trying new strokes...

[Anonymous]

Wait, I don't want her to supply the balls!

Just... have fun and practice so we can improve our game

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^so on point that men have so many requirements of what sex should be. This is where there's no middle point for men. Sex has to be frequent and women have to feel excited about it all the time from start to end and you shouldn't say no to some acts and you have to initiate. So many requirements.

I am a woman and have all these requirements. DH's inability/unwillingness to even try to step up has ended our union of souls. Of course, sex 5-6x/year does not help but I was upfront with him before we married: the way to my heart is through my legs. If you are not taking care of business there is only so much I can love you outside of the coparent/provider role. I did not enter a nunnery so he should not expect me to be happy living like a nun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who like and want sex make time, while people who don’t make excuses.

OMG - yes. x1000!