If your spouse lost all interest in sex, could you stay married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who like and want sex make time, while people who don’t make excuses.

OMG - yes. x1000!

Agree - we’ve been married 34 years and we still make time to have sex at least once a week. I’ve never been a high libido person but that physical connection is very important to me. All my husband needs to do is start rubbing my back and I’m like a cat I enjoy it so much. And then we move on to other very fun things. We are not as athletic as were were in our 30’s but it’s never boring as we both like to mix things up and try new things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here. I hate that it took me this long to figure it out, but the candor on this thread has finally allowed me this epiphany:

Women don’t want men to learn the truth about them: that they have the characteristic of, as F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote sarcastically, a first-rate mind, in that they believe two contradictory things at the same time yet maintain the ability to function. These two things are that they absolutely will eventually not want anything to do with their husbands sexually but that they also expect their husbands to be completely faithful. Guys, if this is your married future, what will you do about it?

DH in a sexless marriage and I think you are being too cynical. Monogamy absolutely sucks for a lot of women, and if you add into it the little resentments that accumulate in marriage, that's how we end up where we are. It's not an anti-male position, if you look up how often lesbians in LTRs have sex the answer is usually "never" and occasionally "rarely." It's biology, although of course some women and couples make efforts to avoid that trap.

What will I do about it? For now, I will stay, and by for now, I mean today, tomorrow, likely next month. After that, it's a cost benefit analysis, I enjoy the financial security of marriage, being around my kids (and the dog). It may surprise you but I don't hate my wife, I can feel some resentment, but in general, I love her and care about her like anyone should of the mother of their children and friend. Kids are 5 years from leaving the nest and then we will walk away unless of course I lose all interest in sex as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here. I hate that it took me this long to figure it out, but the candor on this thread has finally allowed me this epiphany:

Women don’t want men to learn the truth about them: that they have the characteristic of, as F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote sarcastically, a first-rate mind, in that they believe two contradictory things at the same time yet maintain the ability to function. These two things are that they absolutely will eventually not want anything to do with their husbands sexually but that they also expect their husbands to be completely faithful. Guys, if this is your married future, what will you do about it?

You have to decide what are your priorities in marriage and life. If sex is the most important thing to you, then you divorce. Divorce rate is already 40%-50% and so it's already happening.

Are you seriously quoting F. Scott Fitzgerald who lived about a 100 years ago? This quote explains a great deal about you and how you view women. Maybe explore more current views on women? Might be helpful in today's society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. I hate that it took me this long to figure it out, but the candor on this thread has finally allowed me this epiphany:

Women don’t want men to learn the truth about them: that they have the characteristic of, as F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote sarcastically, a first-rate mind, in that they believe two contradictory things at the same time yet maintain the ability to function. These two things are that they absolutely will eventually not want anything to do with their husbands sexually but that they also expect their husbands to be completely faithful. Guys, if this is your married future, what will you do about it?

You have to decide what are your priorities in marriage and life. If sex is the most important thing to you, then you divorce. Divorce rate is already 40%-50% and so it's already happening.

Are you seriously quoting F. Scott Fitzgerald who lived about a 100 years ago? This quote explains a great deal about you and how you view women. Maybe explore more current views on women? Might be helpful in today's society.

PP here: So sorry, I see what your thinking, but the Fitzgerald quote was not about women at all, I wasn’t clear about that. The actual quote is as follows:

“Before I go on with this short history, let me make a general observation– the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.
One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise. This philosophy fitted on to my early adult life, when I saw the improbable, the implausible, often the "impossible," come true.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Crack-Up

So maybe the implausible will come true and my post-menopausal DW, a young grandmother, will fall back in lust with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. I hate that it took me this long to figure it out, but the candor on this thread has finally allowed me this epiphany:

Women don’t want men to learn the truth about them: that they have the characteristic of, as F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote sarcastically, a first-rate mind, in that they believe two contradictory things at the same time yet maintain the ability to function. These two things are that they absolutely will eventually not want anything to do with their husbands sexually but that they also expect their husbands to be completely faithful. Guys, if this is your married future, what will you do about it?

You have to decide what are your priorities in marriage and life. If sex is the most important thing to you, then you divorce. Divorce rate is already 40%-50% and so it's already happening.

Are you seriously quoting F. Scott Fitzgerald who lived about a 100 years ago? This quote explains a great deal about you and how you view women. Maybe explore more current views on women? Might be helpful in today's society.

False dichotomy. You can remain married AND have a normal active sex life. Just not with your wife.... with your girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I would remain married.
I have always been very high libido and for me sex is not just about sexual release. I say that because we are open about our needs and if we want to have an orgasm we can self-help if the situation warrants it. For me, sex with my DH is an affirmation of our whole relationship and life itself. My marriage gives me unhindered access to my DH's body for comfort, pleasure, entertainment, connection- and vice versa. If ever my spouse loses all interest in sex I will chalk it up to some sadness, illness or disability in him. I have been in the situation when I lost all interest in sex for prolonged periods during pregnancies and postpartum. He did not change towards me because he knew this was not a rejection of him. DH and I both agree that sexual release is important (through sex or self-pleasure) and that we will seek out help if lack of libido can be fixed through medical reason. For us - it is for better or worse and in sickness and health. And for us marriage also means monogamy and fidelity.

- DW

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I would remain married.
I have always been very high libido and for me sex is not just about sexual release. I say that because we are open about our needs and if we want to have an orgasm we can self-help if the situation warrants it. For me, sex with my DH is an affirmation of our whole relationship and life itself. My marriage gives me unhindered access to my DH's body for comfort, pleasure, entertainment, connection- and vice versa. If ever my spouse loses all interest in sex I will chalk it up to some sadness, illness or disability in him. I have been in the situation when I lost all interest in sex for prolonged periods during pregnancies and postpartum. He did not change towards me because he knew this was not a rejection of him. DH and I both agree that sexual release is important (through sex or self-pleasure) and that we will seek out help if lack of libido can be fixed through medical reason. For us - it is for better or worse and in sickness and health. And for us marriage also means monogamy and fidelity.

- DW

You should be aware the menopause is not a disability. It is normal. This is how we were made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. I hate that it took me this long to figure it out, but the candor on this thread has finally allowed me this epiphany:

Women don’t want men to learn the truth about them: that they have the characteristic of, as F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote sarcastically, a first-rate mind, in that they believe two contradictory things at the same time yet maintain the ability to function. These two things are that they absolutely will eventually not want anything to do with their husbands sexually but that they also expect their husbands to be completely faithful. Guys, if this is your married future, what will you do about it?

You have to decide what are your priorities in marriage and life. If sex is the most important thing to you, then you divorce. Divorce rate is already 40%-50% and so it's already happening.

Are you seriously quoting F. Scott Fitzgerald who lived about a 100 years ago? This quote explains a great deal about you and how you view women. Maybe explore more current views on women? Might be helpful in today's society.

PP here: So sorry, I see what your thinking, but the Fitzgerald quote was not about women at all, I wasn’t clear about that. The actual quote is as follows:

“Before I go on with this short history, let me make a general observation– the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.
One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise. This philosophy fitted on to my early adult life, when I saw the improbable, the implausible, often the "impossible," come true.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Crack-Up

So maybe the implausible will come true and my post-menopausal DW, a young grandmother, will fall back in lust with me.

I don’t know why the 2 thoughts are opposing thoughts. You can always divorce if sex is the most important thing in your marriage and so both of those thoughts are valid.

I believe that this issue is also about communication. How many times do you hear that wives are surprised when husbands file for divorce? If
she’s surprised, it’s a communication problem on your end. Also, are you willing to actually negotiate on the solution to save your marriage or do you want everything the way you imagine them to be? If that’s the case, you really want divorce and proposing marriage counseling is an empty action to make you feel better. That’s a whole different issue (maybe being an asshole issue?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. I hate that it took me this long to figure it out, but the candor on this thread has finally allowed me this epiphany:

Women don’t want men to learn the truth about them: that they have the characteristic of, as F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote sarcastically, a first-rate mind, in that they believe two contradictory things at the same time yet maintain the ability to function. These two things are that they absolutely will eventually not want anything to do with their husbands sexually but that they also expect their husbands to be completely faithful. Guys, if this is your married future, what will you do about it?

DH in a sexless marriage and I think you are being too cynical. Monogamy absolutely sucks for a lot of women, and if you add into it the little resentments that accumulate in marriage, that's how we end up where we are. It's not an anti-male position, if you look up how often lesbians in LTRs have sex the answer is usually "never" and occasionally "rarely." It's biology, although of course some women and couples make efforts to avoid that trap.

What will I do about it? For now, I will stay, and by for now, I mean today, tomorrow, likely next month. After that, it's a cost benefit analysis, I enjoy the financial security of marriage, being around my kids (and the dog). It may surprise you but I don't hate my wife, I can feel some resentment, but in general, I love her and care about her like anyone should of the mother of their children and friend. Kids are 5 years from leaving the nest and then we will walk away unless of course I lose all interest in sex as well.

Lesbian in a LTR (25 yrs) and this is true and it sucks. I miss sex so much I could and do cry. But my wife’s sex drive and ability to enjoy sex has gone, and I love her too much to leave. Nature is cruel.

I spend a lot of money on solo sex toys. Other than that I don’t know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. I hate that it took me this long to figure it out, but the candor on this thread has finally allowed me this epiphany:

Women don’t want men to learn the truth about them: that they have the characteristic of, as F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote sarcastically, a first-rate mind, in that they believe two contradictory things at the same time yet maintain the ability to function. These two things are that they absolutely will eventually not want anything to do with their husbands sexually but that they also expect their husbands to be completely faithful. Guys, if this is your married future, what will you do about it?

DH in a sexless marriage and I think you are being too cynical. Monogamy absolutely sucks for a lot of women, and if you add into it the little resentments that accumulate in marriage, that's how we end up where we are. It's not an anti-male position, if you look up how often lesbians in LTRs have sex the answer is usually "never" and occasionally "rarely." It's biology, although of course some women and couples make efforts to avoid that trap.

What will I do about it? For now, I will stay, and by for now, I mean today, tomorrow, likely next month. After that, it's a cost benefit analysis, I enjoy the financial security of marriage, being around my kids (and the dog). It may surprise you but I don't hate my wife, I can feel some resentment, but in general, I love her and care about her like anyone should of the mother of their children and friend. Kids are 5 years from leaving the nest and then we will walk away unless of course I lose all interest in sex as well.

Lesbian in a LTR (25 yrs) and this is true and it sucks. I miss sex so much I could and do cry. But my wife’s sex drive and ability to enjoy sex has gone, and I love her too much to leave. Nature is cruel.

I spend a lot of money on solo sex toys. Other than that I don’t know what to do.

I sense a great deal of empathy and caring for the disinterested partner, but how much empathy, caring, or affection comes from the disinterested partner?

[Anonymous]

I'm a little baffled by the idea women who don't have sex with their husbands would be surprised by divorce. If you're having sex less than once a month without any obvious medical reason, you should be surprised if you're not getting divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little baffled by the idea women who don't have sex with their husbands would be surprised by divorce. If you're having sex less than once a month without any obvious medical reason, you should be surprised if you're not getting divorced.

I guess this means that you think sex is the most important thing in a marriage. BTW, she should never be surprised about the divorce because that means it’s a communication problem on your end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little baffled by the idea women who don't have sex with their husbands would be surprised by divorce. If you're having sex less than once a month without any obvious medical reason, you should be surprised if you're not getting divorced.

But the issue here isn’t frequency, there’s been women here saying they have sex once a week or so. I think most women realize it’s part of marriage and will do it for their partners. The issue is men saying “well that’s not good enough.” So they have sex maybe 2-3 times a week. Still not good enough because she doesn’t “want” it. She starts initiating, still not good enough because now he knows she’s just doing it because that’s what he wants. At this point it’s just a series of excuses for him to have an affair, which is what he wanted all along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little baffled by the idea women who don't have sex with their husbands would be surprised by divorce. If you're having sex less than once a month without any obvious medical reason, you should be surprised if you're not getting divorced.

But the issue here isn’t frequency, there’s been women here saying they have sex once a week or so. I think most women realize it’s part of marriage and will do it for their partners. The issue is men saying “well that’s not good enough.” So they have sex maybe 2-3 times a week. Still not good enough because she doesn’t “want” it. She starts initiating, still not good enough because now he knows she’s just doing it because that’s what he wants. At this point it’s just a series of excuses for him to have an affair, which is what he wanted all along.

This so much. It's all about wanting to cheat or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little baffled by the idea women who don't have sex with their husbands would be surprised by divorce. If you're having sex less than once a month without any obvious medical reason, you should be surprised if you're not getting divorced.

I guess this means that you think sex is the most important thing in a marriage. BTW, she should never be surprised about the divorce because that means it’s a communication problem on your end.

Men have an effective solution to this which has worked well for hundreds of years. It's unfortunate that american women refuse to acknowledge the value of a good mistress in keeping marriages together. But keep on pretending!

There is no communication problem whatsoever. Like PP said, if you are on the monthly sex plan and aren't divorced, thank his mistress.