I do 75% of childcare and still DH wants to split bills

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just do more freelance hours. Why is the only option what you are doing now or a full time job in an office?

If she’s freelancing maybe she has a few regular clients and it’s difficult to find new business? There are a thousand reasons why she can’t just double or triple the number of clients she has whenever she feels like it.

OP here. This is correct. And why should it be my responsibility to make more so that I can cover more of the childcare, when he requires FT childcare to make any money at all?

I don’t know what you’re looking for.

Just about everyone agrees the situation you describe is bullshyt, yet you’re the one who wants to stay married to this guy. I’m the one who posted up thread that you would be better off divorced and I don’t say that lightly. Your husband is very controlling about money and doesn’t want to pay for childcare expenses AND you’re married! This is only going to get worse as your child gets older and has more needs. He’s not going to want pay for any of it. If you’re divorced - he has to.

Yet, You’re married to a deadbeat and you want to stay... What did you come here hoping to hear? I’m genuinely curious.

OP here. This thread has helped me articulate a grievance I’ve had for a long time but haven’t been able to articulate well. So, thanks for your replies. There is a lot about our marriage that works beautifully, so I’m not interested in divorce. I just spoke to DH about this stuff and he did a good job of listening and making me feel heard. We’re going to go the 2x/week full-day daycare route, which I’m happy with.

You should show him this thread. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

An au pair will be as much management as anything else - read the AP forums, it seems some huge chunk of the APs are here to party and don't give a damn about childcare. At least you live in DC so you'll only get APs butthurt they're not in NYC or LA as opposed to APs butthurt they're off somewhere in say Rockville. But in a 2BR place it won't work, not really.

Divorce may solve some problems but it will create more. You'd be coming back in five years upset that your husband's new wife is being mean to you, or that he's introduced a new GF five days too soon for your tastes, etc. Whatever you don't like about him will continue and whatever minimal influence you have on him will be eliminated.

The various Dave Ramsay/Money Mustache things seem focused on eating Ramen, spending every Saturday afternoon in some DIY project around the house, living in crime-ridden neighborhoods, and endlessly sacrificing the present for some unspecified future.

You and your husband are coughing up $1,500 a month to subsidize your in-laws - are they even nice people or are they stereotypical (trailer park/ghetto/barrio/hudong) trash that you could give $5,000 a month to and they'd still be needing more money? Or is there always some Crisis that only another $500-$600 can solve?

(We assume, of course, they're not racking up bills to - or giving money to OTHER even more deadbeat relatives who have racked up bills to - friends of Marlo Stanfield/Tony Soprano/Walter White. Said friends don't take credit cards and aren't keen on payment plans.)

With that said, he can't live in NW DC, save 25% of his income on top of massively subsidizing his parents. What is his goal? Buying a house? A $150k down payment will take six years to happen at the rate he is saving. Pay off student loans? Or does he just get a warm fuzzy feeling looking at all the nice numbers in his accounts (on the left side of his decimal points).

What importance does he put on, well, enjoying the marriage? Babysitting exchanges and free activities can reduce the cost, which in NW DC can really run up.

How tied are you guys to NW DC? There are worse things than long commutes, despite what the DCUM crowd will tell you. Of course the thing is you'd then start having cars, which while increasing your freedom will also create additional cost. But again, this is DCUM, where the suburbs are evil inCARnate and a horror worse than the prospect of going without Whole Foods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An au pair will be as much management as anything else - read the AP forums, it seems some huge chunk of the APs are here to party and don't give a damn about childcare. At least you live in DC so you'll only get APs butthurt they're not in NYC or LA as opposed to APs butthurt they're off somewhere in say Rockville. But in a 2BR place it won't work, not really.

Divorce may solve some problems but it will create more. You'd be coming back in five years upset that your husband's new wife is being mean to you, or that he's introduced a new GF five days too soon for your tastes, etc. Whatever you don't like about him will continue and whatever minimal influence you have on him will be eliminated.

The various Dave Ramsay/Money Mustache things seem focused on eating Ramen, spending every Saturday afternoon in some DIY project around the house, living in crime-ridden neighborhoods, and endlessly sacrificing the present for some unspecified future.

You and your husband are coughing up $1,500 a month to subsidize your in-laws - are they even nice people or are they stereotypical (trailer park/ghetto/barrio/hudong) trash that you could give $5,000 a month to and they'd still be needing more money? Or is there always some Crisis that only another $500-$600 can solve?

(We assume, of course, they're not racking up bills to - or giving money to OTHER even more deadbeat relatives who have racked up bills to - friends of Marlo Stanfield/Tony Soprano/Walter White. Said friends don't take credit cards and aren't keen on payment plans.)

With that said, he can't live in NW DC, save 25% of his income on top of massively subsidizing his parents. What is his goal? Buying a house? A $150k down payment will take six years to happen at the rate he is saving. Pay off student loans? Or does he just get a warm fuzzy feeling looking at all the nice numbers in his accounts (on the left side of his decimal points).

What importance does he put on, well, enjoying the marriage? Babysitting exchanges and free activities can reduce the cost, which in NW DC can really run up.

How tied are you guys to NW DC? There are worse things than long commutes, despite what the DCUM crowd will tell you. Of course the thing is you'd then start having cars, which while increasing your freedom will also create additional cost. But again, this is DCUM, where the suburbs are evil inCARnate and a horror worse than the prospect of going without Whole Foods.

WTF?!?!

[Anonymous]

OP, in your situation I would go back to work full time. If your husband is controlling about money and has priorities other than his child and wife, you really need to have your own money.

[Anonymous]

My sister is in a similar situation - she has a telework job and does most of the childcare in their family. She finally put the kids in preschool so that she could get her work done, but still covers all the days off as well as manages the household and does all the cooking. Her husband has a demanding job and she is extremely competent type A so they've made it work but she finally wound up in therapy because she is so resentful. He also grew up financially insecure and is an extreme saver who insists on separate accounts. I think people sometimes laugh about financial anxiety like it's a good problem to have but it causes so much stress in their marriage. He will complain about her having so many amazon packages coming in but then will send money to his family and always insists that they drive late-model SUVs. I think the therapy is helping her to define her boundaries better, and he is a good person who wants to make it work but it is really really hard.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

You can't limit this to childcare - you have to look at your total HH expense. I pay 100% of our monthly mortgage payment which is 2X what our daycare costs. So without knowing that piece of information my wife could make me sounds like an a$$ for not paying half the childcare.

[Anonymous]

You can't limit this to childcare - you have to look at your total HH expense. I pay 100% of our monthly mortgage payment which is 2X what our daycare costs. So without knowing that piece of information my wife could make me sounds like an a$$ for not paying half the childcare.

OP answered there.

She makes about 95k, he makes about 100k.

they evidently split all bills except, he support his parents and he wants her to pay for childcare, even though she is also working *and* providing unpaid childcare.

This is what they need to do.

Determine how much childcare is necessary for both of them to do their work and split that.
Split other household bills and expenses equally.
Max out retirement.

any excess is discretionary (including supporting his parents, that's his money). She is still contributing *more* to the HHI since she is taking on childcare and providing half the income but in a normal family that would just be a bonus. In this situation, where he is expecting her to pay for part time childcare, provide the rest of childcare, split all other bills, including supporting his parents...nah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are your finances separated?

+1. This is always a red flag. You don't "split" when you're married. Earnings AND expenses belong to both of you.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised your DH doesn't want you to work 8-10 hours a week (if you can genrate those hours)- wouldn't this be a much better solution for you and your finances?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An au pair will be as much management as anything else - read the AP forums, it seems some huge chunk of the APs are here to party and don't give a damn about childcare. At least you live in DC so you'll only get APs butthurt they're not in NYC or LA as opposed to APs butthurt they're off somewhere in say Rockville. But in a 2BR place it won't work, not really.

Divorce may solve some problems but it will create more. You'd be coming back in five years upset that your husband's new wife is being mean to you, or that he's introduced a new GF five days too soon for your tastes, etc. Whatever you don't like about him will continue and whatever minimal influence you have on him will be eliminated.

The various Dave Ramsay/Money Mustache things seem focused on eating Ramen, spending every Saturday afternoon in some DIY project around the house, living in crime-ridden neighborhoods, and endlessly sacrificing the present for some unspecified future.

You and your husband are coughing up $1,500 a month to subsidize your in-laws - are they even nice people or are they stereotypical (trailer park/ghetto/barrio/hudong) trash that you could give $5,000 a month to and they'd still be needing more money? Or is there always some Crisis that only another $500-$600 can solve?

(We assume, of course, they're not racking up bills to - or giving money to OTHER even more deadbeat relatives who have racked up bills to - friends of Marlo Stanfield/Tony Soprano/Walter White. Said friends don't take credit cards and aren't keen on payment plans.)

With that said, he can't live in NW DC, save 25% of his income on top of massively subsidizing his parents. What is his goal? Buying a house? A $150k down payment will take six years to happen at the rate he is saving. Pay off student loans? Or does he just get a warm fuzzy feeling looking at all the nice numbers in his accounts (on the left side of his decimal points).

What importance does he put on, well, enjoying the marriage? Babysitting exchanges and free activities can reduce the cost, which in NW DC can really run up.

How tied are you guys to NW DC? There are worse things than long commutes, despite what the DCUM crowd will tell you. Of course the thing is you'd then start having cars, which while increasing your freedom will also create additional cost. But again, this is DCUM, where the suburbs are evil inCARnate and a horror worse than the prospect of going without Whole Foods.

WTF?!?!

Well I don't know what race OP and her husband are. It's really not relevant but I didn't want to call her husband's family the wrong kind of trash.

[Anonymous]

Op one other thing to consider is that if you do end up paying more for the childcare I saw that you put a small bit toward helping his parents.

Perhaps you could stop that and put it toward childcare.

You updated that you had talked about it and it sounded positive so that's good.

Keep in mind that if he has a little financial anxiety now it means you will be ok in the future. He may not be controlling but just wanting to secure his future and not end up like his parents, my Dad was the same and it worked out well for him in retirement. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are your finances separated?

+1

Marriage = shared all in one pot. You sound like roommates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is in a similar situation - she has a telework job and does most of the childcare in their family. She finally put the kids in preschool so that she could get her work done, but still covers all the days off as well as manages the household and does all the cooking. Her husband has a demanding job and she is extremely competent type A so they've made it work but she finally wound up in therapy because she is so resentful. He also grew up financially insecure and is an extreme saver who insists on separate accounts. I think people sometimes laugh about financial anxiety like it's a good problem to have but it causes so much stress in their marriage. He will complain about her having so many amazon packages coming in but then will send money to his family and always insists that they drive late-model SUVs. I think the therapy is helping her to define her boundaries better, and he is a good person who wants to make it work but it is really really hard.

Good luck, OP.

OP here. You just described my life! Same situation. For a long time (2 yrs) I didn’t feel resentful at all, but then “competent type A” changed to omg I am so stressed all the time. To be fair I would prefer this kind of financial problem to one where a spouse is financially irresponsible.

[Anonymous]

Well I don't know what race OP and her husband are. It's really not relevant but I didn't want to call her husband's family the wrong kind of trash.

because only "trash" doesn't have money. What planet are you from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't limit this to childcare - you have to look at your total HH expense. I pay 100% of our monthly mortgage payment which is 2X what our daycare costs. So without knowing that piece of information my wife could make me sounds like an a$$ for not paying half the childcare.

If you have a $4K day care bill and a $8K mortgage you really have no concept of ho withers live. You are an ass for not paying more in child care as clearly you are very comfortable.