I do 75% of childcare and still DH wants to split bills

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you make almost the same as him working 3 hours a days as he does working FT?

Why don't you work more and have your kid in daycare or with a sitter?

I don't think the bills should be decided on who does the most childcare, I think how much you both make factors in as well. What is his HHI? and what is yours when you work 12-15 hours a week?

My thought as well. Also, 12-6 with one child really isn't that bad but if you want to work more put the child in daycare and start working more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you split bills 50% like roommates? Seems so strange.

My husband has us split bills like roommates. Except he pays more because he makes more. But it's proportionate.

[Anonymous]

Just to clarify details. You work 10-15 hours a week. He works full time. You have childcare during your work hours.

Are you looking to work more so you want more childcare or do you want childcare while you aren't working? I am not clear on the 12-6 time frame. If you want to be working those hours? If you are working more and it sounds like you make a lot per hour then that extra money can go to childcare. If you want to stop saving so you can be home with no work and no childcare then no. He works a lot more hours than you do so it makes sense you do more childcare.

Are your finances split?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are your finances separated?

This. It seems inevitable that these relationships always lead to different kinds of arguments about money compared to combined households and "fairness" over whose money is being spent as opposed to the usual "can we/should we afford this." The marital frame of mind is already one of separation.

[Anonymous]

Damn that DH for growing up poor and stressing about money now! All his fault!

Simple solution: work a few more hours, and put that money towards child care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you make almost the same as him working 3 hours a days as he does working FT?

Why don't you work more and have your kid in daycare or with a sitter?

I don't think the bills should be decided on who does the most childcare, I think how much you both make factors in as well. What is his HHI? and what is yours when you work 12-15 hours a week?

Do you realize that HHI means Household Income. This is the problem. She (and you) think they each have a separate household and he's not paying enough child support. It is like you are divorced already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand this “split the bills” nonsense. You are a team. Why not put all the money in a joint checking account and make financial decisions like a married couple. My DH and I have been married for 30 years. We have never had separate bank accounts. It’s just silly.

+1, we did early on for child support reasons but as soon as that was over combined everything.

NP. I'm guessing Op's DH supporting his parents may have something to do with it...

[Anonymous]

OP here. I make 95k working part time and he makes 105k working full time. I could work full time but it would be hard to make more than what I do now, in a full time position. It's also not that easy for me to add to my client roster (it's complicated). Anyway, I get that he is contributing to our future retirement but my resentment stems that a slight difference for just a couple more years - 2 max - is coming at the cost of my mental health. I hold my breath trying to get all my work done in 2-3 hrs and I'm over it. Plus sometimes uber-cheap playgroup is canceled without warning which makes it impossible for me to work at all. I'm tired of this arrangement but our only way out is to pay significantly more (and not even that much - $1200/mo total) for part time daycare.

[Anonymous]

I find the “separate finances” thing very odd. Why is it setup this way, and are both of you ok with this?

You make almost as much as he does working only 3hrs/day? Is his career unusually low paying or is yours unusually high paying??

If you are working 15hrs/wk then I don’t see why two full days of childcare is unreasonable. What am I missing!? I presume you would get your work done in those two full days (for the most part)?

Seems to me the immediate issue is you want to switch to a proper daycare rather than this ragtag one. Which makes lots of sense to me. Is there one that is somewhere in the middle cost wise?

I don’t see how he can be ok with supporting his parents but not proper daycare for his child.

Again, perhaps I am missing something but you are basically: making a Ft wage in 2 days per week rather than five? And saving 3 full days/sk of childcare? And DH is complaining about this???!

If overall finances are an issue yes you should consider upping your hours. However it isn’t clear from your post if finances truly ARE an issue or if your DH is a bit cheap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I make 95k working part time and he makes 105k working full time. I could work full time but it would be hard to make more than what I do now, in a full time position. It's also not that easy for me to add to my client roster (it's complicated). Anyway, I get that he is contributing to our future retirement but my resentment stems that a slight difference for just a couple more years - 2 max - is coming at the cost of my mental health. I hold my breath trying to get all my work done in 2-3 hrs and I'm over it. Plus sometimes uber-cheap playgroup is canceled without warning which makes it impossible for me to work at all. I'm tired of this arrangement but our only way out is to pay significantly more (and not even that much - $1200/mo total) for part time daycare.

This is thoroughly absurd and I’d put your foot down.

Him: earns 105. Zero child care during week.
You: earns 95. 30+? Hours of child care during week.

Wouldn’t fly with me. You are only asking for 15k/yr PT childcare expense on a HHI of 200K. That is LOW.

How much is he sending his parents???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Again, perhaps I am missing something but you are basically: making a Ft wage in 2 days per week rather than five? And saving 3 full days/sk of childcare? And DH is complaining about this???!

That's exactly what is happening

[Anonymous]

Am I reading this right: you don't actually have child care. You pay a little to drop your kid off at a "playgroup" without you there, and then you work during playgroup time.

Realizing that this is a terrible and unstable child care plan, you want to pay for a real child care situation, specifically 2 day a week preschool, so that you can work during the hours that your child is in a reliable child care situation. But, the cost of this childcare is more than you are making during the hours the child is in care, but your DH won't cover the difference.

Does that restate the primary issue correctly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I reading this right: you don't actually have child care. You pay a little to drop your kid off at a "playgroup" without you there, and then you work during playgroup time.

Realizing that this is a terrible and unstable child care plan, you want to pay for a real child care situation, specifically 2 day a week preschool, so that you can work during the hours that your child is in a reliable child care situation. But, the cost of this childcare is more than you are making during the hours the child is in care, but your DH won't cover the difference.

Does that restate the primary issue correctly?

Yes that's correct

[Anonymous]

We pay about $1200 a month for full time daycare in NOVA so that sounds expensive for part time. Is that the only option or do they charge you for full time since your child would be going every day?

You guys are making $200K combined, it should be no problem to save $50K per year even with one child in daycare...full time or part time.

[Anonymous]

So based on what you said in your post I’m guessing your kid about 3. You have nearly two full days worth of work to do per week- and your income is 50% of your HHI (far too much for your job to not be taken seriously).

I can see how this playgroup arrangement sort of worked up until now with a younger kid (who probably napped). Now your kid is 3 and needs more attention and sleeps less etc. of course you need reliable and proper childcare!

Your DH is ridiculous and has been very spoiled by this arrangement up until now. Frankly.

As an aside- is this a preschool? I’d be inclined to just put kid in preschool 3-4 mornings a week. Even SAHMs do that.

Again, your DH is ridiculous. Team OP.