I do 75% of childcare and still DH wants to split bills

[Anonymous]

Agree there are cheap 9-12 preschools. Keep looking.

Feels like maybe DH is intimidated by your earning potential.

[Anonymous]

Just do it, OP. Because you know what? You will never ever get his "permission" for this. Put the kid in FT care, actuallly, she'll probably love it. You can go to work FT and earn boatloads of money.

I find men baffling. I try to be respectful, negotiate, and he just says no no no no no no no we don't need to redo the kitchen or NO we can't plan a vacation. No. I'm sure his reasons are sound. But if I waited until DH was "ready" we would still be in our 1970s era kitchen and have zero children/

[Anonymous]

Find a nanny who works afternoons for another family to work 5 hrs a day...or find a preschool. Continue freelance 20 hours to a week.up your salary.
.point out to your dh that you are not only paying for childcare but also providing un paid childcare that is budget relieving.

Both of you should contribute to Max retirement, split all bills and shared expenses (or split in proportion to income ) and with what's left is personal discretion. His parents, your savings, etc. But if you do this, impute the savings your contribution to childcare represents to reduce your share of childcare expenses .

(Frankly this is nuts to me but if you're going to split bills your labor as childcare provider should count)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I find men baffling. I try to be respectful, negotiate, and he just says no no no no no no no we don't need to redo the kitchen or NO we can't plan a vacation. No. I'm sure his reasons are sound. But if I waited until DH was "ready" we would still be in our 1970s era kitchen and have zero children/

YUP same here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re husband is a cheap a$$. Also, what type of work you do that doesn’t require good writing/planning and pays this well?

Lol!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just do more freelance hours. Why is the only option what you are doing now or a full time job in an office?

If she’s freelancing maybe she has a few regular clients and it’s difficult to find new business? There are a thousand reasons why she can’t just double or triple the number of clients she has whenever she feels like it.

[Anonymous]

If you have to pay half the bills then he has to watch his kid half the time or pay for daycare, and next time, don’t marry someone who nickel and dimes you.

[Anonymous]

While you are calling around the houses of worship to find
out about preschool also as if they have the DAve
Ramsey course. Try to find a Dave RAmsey course.
They cost about $10 for around 8 weeks. Take your husband.
It is not religious. It well hopefully get you talking
together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y’all are a hot mess. Maybe try a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University and see if you can get on the same page about money. Your arrangement wouldn’t work for most people.

Plus 1. In addition to the Dave Ramsey class (generally given at houses of worship but not religious) check out Mr Money Mustache forum. There is a sticky at the top
of one about talking to your spouse about money.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you need professional day care in order to
do your job. No day care. No job.

Also, the separate bills is nuts. Simplify your life. All of your
monies are joint regardless of the name on the account.

After you do Dave RAmsey, open one checking account.
Have both of your paychecks hit this account.
Pay all bills out of this account. You and husband decide
how much to transfer into an investment account each
month for savings. Have this scheduled to be done electronically
and I'd recommend a set amount each month and
have it automatic each month.

The separate accounts are nuts. Who buys the kids
clothes? Who pays for soccer when kids are older.
All of this stuff should be out of a joint account.

Be aware that for divorce purposes all of your monies
and assets are considered joint regardless of name
on account.

[Anonymous]

I read most of the thread and maybe I'm missing something but you both have reasonable expectations. If your work requires more hours than this odd play group you use them sure increase the amount of child care. At the same time, combined you make $200K and him saving 25% of his paycheck (i.e. $25K per year) is completely reasonable too. Many people at your income level are maxing out two 401ks (i.e. $37K per year). I know you said he sends some money to his parents but there must be some other major money pit if $1,200 a month is breaking your budget to the point where you can't meet his retirement savings goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

NP. Your DH is being outrageous.

Tell him you're getting 40 hours a week paid childcare starting in 2 weeks so you can continue to earn your full time paycheck. The fact that you work your butt off with efficiency to get all that work done in 3 hours a day is none of his business.

He will be responsible for half that amount.

When he complains and asks why your request for the number of hours of childcare just went up, you can call it an outrageousness tax.

Seriously, if you're earning the same income AND he wants to split bills (and unilaterally decide to send money to his parents) then he can also pay for childcare for all the time he's out of the house. No way should you be responsible for more of it.

When you've had your fun, tell him you're kidding and you only want 3 solid hours reliable childcare per week so you can earn your full time income. It will seem like a bargain to him. Although honestly I don't know why you'd accept that, he sounds like an ass.

ROFL. In all seriousness say the current situation isn’t sustainable for the next x years. The options are you SAH completely so you can cover the unreliable playgroup and aren’t rushing to cover your work - income drops 50%, he can modify his hours to cover more of the childcare like shift his schedule to go in really early like 6:30 or 7:00am and come home by 3:30, if his parents live close enough and are willing to help they come by two days, or you get a nanny looking for hours during the day or the part-time preschool. Don’t forget to sign up for FSA dependent care through his job so you can get more of the tax savings if you go the part-time preschool route. Don’t give the option to continue as things are now. If the extra retirement money and not paying childcare costs are something HE is willing to sacrifice for then he should look for the job/hours where he can cover some of said childcare since that isn’t your dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is DETERMINED to save 25% of every paycheck, despite the fact that it precludes us from getting proper childcare, and the bulk of childcare falls on my shoulders due to the fact I consult and can charge enough per hour during my measly work hours (2-3 hrs per day of morning playgroup) to make almost what he does. It drives me bonkers that I am with our preschooler from 12-6 alone every day, and DH wants us to split household bills due to “necessity”. He has tremendous financial anxiety. Part of the issue is that his parents are extremely poor and he must support them (I contribute minimally).

I want us to enroll in part time daycare, 2 full days a week, for my mental health. The cost would be 6x what we pay now for a stressfully unreliable playgroup situation.

Posting here because, am I crazy? Am I missing something? Is it ridiculous of me to expect that he be willing to reduce his retirement savings during these especially tough years when we have a non-school aged child?? Doesn’t EVERYONE contribute less to retirement when they are paying for daycare?

Dave Ramsey should help with his tremendous financial anxiety.

Mr. Money Mustache is about pretty extreme savings BUT even the folks on that forum agree that you need to pay for professional child care if two adults are working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NP. Your DH is being outrageous.

Tell him you're getting 40 hours a week paid childcare starting in 2 weeks so you can continue to earn your full time paycheck. The fact that you work your butt off with efficiency to get all that work done in 3 hours a day is none of his business.

He will be responsible for half that amount.

When he complains and asks why your request for the number of hours of childcare just went up, you can call it an outrageousness tax.

Seriously, if you're earning the same income AND he wants to split bills (and unilaterally decide to send money to his parents) then he can also pay for childcare for all the time he's out of the house. No way should you be responsible for more of it.

When you've had your fun, tell him you're kidding and you only want 3 solid hours reliable childcare per week so you can earn your full time income. It will seem like a bargain to him. Although honestly I don't know why you'd accept that, he sounds like an ass.

ROFL. In all seriousness say the current situation isn’t sustainable for the next x years. The options are you SAH completely so you can cover the unreliable playgroup and aren’t rushing to cover your work - income drops 50%, he can modify his hours to cover more of the childcare like shift his schedule to go in really early like 6:30 or 7:00am and come home by 3:30, if his parents live close enough and are willing to help they come by two days, or you get a nanny looking for hours during the day or the part-time preschool. Don’t forget to sign up for FSA dependent care through his job so you can get more of the tax savings if you go the part-time preschool route. Don’t give the option to continue as things are now. If the extra retirement money and not paying childcare costs are something HE is willing to sacrifice for then he should look for the job/hours where he can cover some of said childcare since that isn’t your dream.

Yup, he can get a second job to work on retirement stash.

[Anonymous]

He needs to choose between supporting his parents and saving for his retirement. Making it clear that you expect the latter, since it was his decision to keep money separate and so you won't be paying for his retirement.

Paying for childcare is not actually on the table as an option for something non-essential to cut out.