I do 75% of childcare and still DH wants to split bills

[Anonymous]

My DH is DETERMINED to save 25% of every paycheck, despite the fact that it precludes us from getting proper childcare, and the bulk of childcare falls on my shoulders due to the fact I consult and can charge enough per hour during my measly work hours (2-3 hrs per day of morning playgroup) to make almost what he does. It drives me bonkers that I am with our preschooler from 12-6 alone every day, and DH wants us to split household bills due to “necessity”. He has tremendous financial anxiety. Part of the issue is that his parents are extremely poor and he must support them (I contribute minimally).

I want us to enroll in part time daycare, 2 full days a week, for my mental health. The cost would be 6x what we pay now for a stressfully unreliable playgroup situation.

Posting here because, am I crazy? Am I missing something? Is it ridiculous of me to expect that he be willing to reduce his retirement savings during these especially tough years when we have a non-school aged child?? Doesn’t EVERYONE contribute less to retirement when they are paying for daycare?

[Anonymous]

Divorce his cheap ass and take half his retirement. That’ll show him!

[Anonymous]

Explain to him the cost of divorce.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand your financial set up. So he is saving 25% for his own retirement, you are saving X% of your income toward retirement, and you're splitting bills 50/50 even though you don't earn the same amount?

Or he is determined that your household should save 25% total, which includes maxing his retirement, and that goal means you cannot also afford preschool?

[Anonymous]

Why are your finances separated?

[Anonymous]

Do you split bills 50% like roommates? Seems so strange.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you work full-time and therefore pay for preschool?

[Anonymous]

Tell your DH bluntly that marriage isn't about splitting bills.

Don't let him respond. Just make the statement. If he tries to argue he is only fooling himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand your financial set up. So he is saving 25% for his own retirement, you are saving X% of your income toward retirement, and you're splitting bills 50/50 even though you don't earn the same amount?

Or he is determined that your household should save 25% total, which includes maxing his retirement, and that goal means you cannot also afford preschool?

+1. Your post is extremely unclear.

[Anonymous]

The obvious problem is that you’re looking at this as his money and your money. That might be comforting or work for you, but in legal terms it doesn’t matter and it’s all shared money.

Do you not plan to take advantage of his retirement account when you guys retire? I get where you are coming from but it’s also disingenuous to act like he isn’t contributing. He is, but just not in the way you’d like.

[Anonymous]

I will never understand this “split the bills” nonsense. You are a team. Why not put all the money in a joint checking account and make financial decisions like a married couple. My DH and I have been married for 30 years. We have never had separate bank accounts. It’s just silly.

[Anonymous]

So you make almost the same as him working 3 hours a days as he does working FT?

Why don't you work more and have your kid in daycare or with a sitter?

I don't think the bills should be decided on who does the most childcare, I think how much you both make factors in as well. What is his HHI? and what is yours when you work 12-15 hours a week?

[Anonymous]

Agree, tell him enough is enough and he either does 50% so you can also work if he wants to split the bills, live separately and he need to deal with getting child care 50% of the time on his own OR everything goes in one pot and you get part-time care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you work full-time and therefore pay for preschool?

+1 work full time and pay full time preschool if it bothers you to parent 6 hours a day on your own. I don’t understand what exactly you are looking for. You are both looking at this really transactionally instead of what is best for your family and that is toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand this “split the bills” nonsense. You are a team. Why not put all the money in a joint checking account and make financial decisions like a married couple. My DH and I have been married for 30 years. We have never had separate bank accounts. It’s just silly.

+1, we did early on for child support reasons but as soon as that was over combined everything.