I do 75% of childcare and still DH wants to split bills

[Anonymous]

I don't understand all the comments thinking separate finances are strange. DH and I both have direct deposit through our checking accounts that we have had since we were teens. We moved here from the midwest and just left it as is over the years and even after we got married. We added a joint account at a bank here so we have access to cash etc, but never felt like we needed to combine them. We divide the bills so he pays some and I pay some. Family vacations come out of our joint account and stuff for the house will too (like payments for new windows). There is never any question about who pays what.

I think a part time preschool option makes the most sense. Ours is 5 days a week (9-1) at less than $500 a month. That gives you enough time each day to work and your kid is learning while you do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all the comments thinking separate finances are strange. DH and I both have direct deposit through our checking accounts that we have had since we were teens. We moved here from the midwest and just left it as is over the years and even after we got married. We added a joint account at a bank here so we have access to cash etc, but never felt like we needed to combine them. We divide the bills so he pays some and I pay some. Family vacations come out of our joint account and stuff for the house will too (like payments for new windows). There is never any question about who pays what.

I think a part time preschool option makes the most sense. Ours is 5 days a week (9-1) at less than $500 a month. That gives you enough time each day to work and your kid is learning while you do it.

You guys have a joint account, and are not splitting everything 50/50. That’s very different than op’s scenario. You don’t have seperate finances, you just happen to have a couple of individually titled accounts, but your finances are far more combined than op’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If everything is 50-50 then of course he should pay half. If I were you I’d setup a new bank account- each of you transfer enough in to cover household expenses (mortgage/rent, utilities, health insurance, groceries, childcare). The $ for childcare could come from that. Keep anything remaining in your own separate accounts (and that is where the $ he uses for his parent should come from by the way). That way you each have an equal Amt of $ to spend on non-household/child costs.

One thing I would add is: are you paying hefty self employment taxes, and not contributing towards health care (I’m guessing that is through his job)? If so that skews the income a bit in his favor. Wouldn’t matter at our house but since you guys keep everything “separate” perhaps that helps skew his perspective.

Only a true a$$hole nickel and dimes his wife and child this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all the comments thinking separate finances are strange. DH and I both have direct deposit through our checking accounts that we have had since we were teens. We moved here from the midwest and just left it as is over the years and even after we got married. We added a joint account at a bank here so we have access to cash etc, but never felt like we needed to combine them. We divide the bills so he pays some and I pay some. Family vacations come out of our joint account and stuff for the house will too (like payments for new windows). There is never any question about who pays what.

I think a part time preschool option makes the most sense. Ours is 5 days a week (9-1) at less than $500 a month. That gives you enough time each day to work and your kid is learning while you do it.

OP here. We have the same setup. To me it seems odd to combine finances. I understand the appeal. It's just not for me.

And where is this cheap preschool?! We're in NW DC and I must have called 20 places this week. Nothing under $1800.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I make 95k working part time and he makes 105k working full time. I could work full time but it would be hard to make more than what I do now, in a full time position. It's also not that easy for me to add to my client roster (it's complicated). Anyway, I get that he is contributing to our future retirement but my resentment stems that a slight difference for just a couple more years - 2 max - is coming at the cost of my mental health. I hold my breath trying to get all my work done in 2-3 hrs and I'm over it. Plus sometimes uber-cheap playgroup is canceled without warning which makes it impossible for me to work at all. I'm tired of this arrangement but our only way out is to pay significantly more (and not even that much - $1200/mo total) for part time daycare.

Get an au pair or pay for preschool. You make enough to do that for two years like everyone else who works full time. Tell your husband you will pay for it and just do it. Since you already split your finances, you don't need to get his permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all the comments thinking separate finances are strange. DH and I both have direct deposit through our checking accounts that we have had since we were teens. We moved here from the midwest and just left it as is over the years and even after we got married. We added a joint account at a bank here so we have access to cash etc, but never felt like we needed to combine them. We divide the bills so he pays some and I pay some. Family vacations come out of our joint account and stuff for the house will too (like payments for new windows). There is never any question about who pays what.

I think a part time preschool option makes the most sense. Ours is 5 days a week (9-1) at less than $500 a month. That gives you enough time each day to work and your kid is learning while you do it.

OP here. We have the same setup. To me it seems odd to combine finances. I understand the appeal. It's just not for me.

And where is this cheap preschool?! We're in NW DC and I must have called 20 places this week. Nothing under $1800.

Silver Spring, not sure if that's too far for you or not. https://www.4ccn.org/tuition-rates-program-schedules

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I make 95k working part time and he makes 105k working full time. I could work full time but it would be hard to make more than what I do now, in a full time position. It's also not that easy for me to add to my client roster (it's complicated). Anyway, I get that he is contributing to our future retirement but my resentment stems that a slight difference for just a couple more years - 2 max - is coming at the cost of my mental health. I hold my breath trying to get all my work done in 2-3 hrs and I'm over it. Plus sometimes uber-cheap playgroup is canceled without warning which makes it impossible for me to work at all. I'm tired of this arrangement but our only way out is to pay significantly more (and not even that much - $1200/mo total) for part time daycare.

Get an au pair or pay for preschool. You make enough to do that for two years like everyone else who works full time. Tell your husband you will pay for it and just do it. Since you already split your finances, you don't need to get his permission.

Hell no! Do not do this!

You really think it’s okay for a man making 6 figures to pay NOTHING towards his child’s daycare/preschool expenses?!?

OP, you would be better off divorced. Child support and daycare expenses are usually destructed straight out of a paycheck. It really helps with deadbeat dads who don’t think they have to support their children. The only difference is that you’re married to a deadbeat who doesn’t want to support his kid. What a loser! I’m angry just reading this! I can’t imagine what you’re going through.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just do more freelance hours. Why is the only option what you are doing now or a full time job in an office?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all the comments thinking separate finances are strange. DH and I both have direct deposit through our checking accounts that we have had since we were teens. We moved here from the midwest and just left it as is over the years and even after we got married. We added a joint account at a bank here so we have access to cash etc, but never felt like we needed to combine them. We divide the bills so he pays some and I pay some. Family vacations come out of our joint account and stuff for the house will too (like payments for new windows). There is never any question about who pays what.

I think a part time preschool option makes the most sense. Ours is 5 days a week (9-1) at less than $500 a month. That gives you enough time each day to work and your kid is learning while you do it.

OP here. We have the same setup. To me it seems odd to combine finances. I understand the appeal. It's just not for me.

And where is this cheap preschool?! We're in NW DC and I must have called 20 places this week. Nothing under $1800.

OMG if you live in NW DC get on a listserv - AU Park Parents, Cleveland Park, Tenleytown, Chevy Chase, Next Door. Every other day there is a post about how someone's nanny wants extra hours during the day (usually a nanny where the kids have started school and there is less work for the nanny). Or better yet, post something in one of these forums and I bet you will get a ton of responses.

PS - I don't combine finances with my DH and we are totally happy about it. We each pay for agreed upon things and when something like this comes up, we discuss it and figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I make 95k working part time and he makes 105k working full time. I could work full time but it would be hard to make more than what I do now, in a full time position. It's also not that easy for me to add to my client roster (it's complicated). Anyway, I get that he is contributing to our future retirement but my resentment stems that a slight difference for just a couple more years - 2 max - is coming at the cost of my mental health. I hold my breath trying to get all my work done in 2-3 hrs and I'm over it. Plus sometimes uber-cheap playgroup is canceled without warning which makes it impossible for me to work at all. I'm tired of this arrangement but our only way out is to pay significantly more (and not even that much - $1200/mo total) for part time daycare.

Get an au pair or pay for preschool. You make enough to do that for two years like everyone else who works full time. Tell your husband you will pay for it and just do it. Since you already split your finances, you don't need to get his permission.

Hell no! Do not do this!

You really think it’s okay for a man making 6 figures to pay NOTHING towards his child’s daycare/preschool expenses?!?

OP, you would be better off divorced. Child support and daycare expenses are usually destructed straight out of a paycheck. It really helps with deadbeat dads who don’t think they have to support their children. The only difference is that you’re married to a deadbeat who doesn’t want to support his kid. What a loser! I’m angry just reading this! I can’t imagine what you’re going through.

No one said it was ok - but if he's not going to agree or contribute, just DO IT for your own sake. Not a scenario where you become a martyr for equal rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all the comments thinking separate finances are strange. DH and I both have direct deposit through our checking accounts that we have had since we were teens. We moved here from the midwest and just left it as is over the years and even after we got married. We added a joint account at a bank here so we have access to cash etc, but never felt like we needed to combine them. We divide the bills so he pays some and I pay some. Family vacations come out of our joint account and stuff for the house will too (like payments for new windows). There is never any question about who pays what.

I think a part time preschool option makes the most sense. Ours is 5 days a week (9-1) at less than $500 a month. That gives you enough time each day to work and your kid is learning while you do it.

OP here. We have the same setup. To me it seems odd to combine finances. I understand the appeal. It's just not for me.

And where is this cheap preschool?! We're in NW DC and I must have called 20 places this week. Nothing under $1800.

Silver Spring, not sure if that's too far for you or not. https://www.4ccn.org/tuition-rates-program-schedules

Wow you are lucky. That looks amazing. Unfortunately we need something close to metro. We're carless for now.

[Anonymous]

Pay $300/week for a church preschool. 9-12 every day. Get your work done then.

[Anonymous]

Where do you live OP, we can find you a church preschool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I make 95k working part time and he makes 105k working full time. I could work full time but it would be hard to make more than what I do now, in a full time position. It's also not that easy for me to add to my client roster (it's complicated). Anyway, I get that he is contributing to our future retirement but my resentment stems that a slight difference for just a couple more years - 2 max - is coming at the cost of my mental health. I hold my breath trying to get all my work done in 2-3 hrs and I'm over it. Plus sometimes uber-cheap playgroup is canceled without warning which makes it impossible for me to work at all. I'm tired of this arrangement but our only way out is to pay significantly more (and not even that much - $1200/mo total) for part time daycare.

Get an au pair or pay for preschool. You make enough to do that for two years like everyone else who works full time. Tell your husband you will pay for it and just do it. Since you already split your finances, you don't need to get his permission.

Hell no! Do not do this!

You really think it’s okay for a man making 6 figures to pay NOTHING towards his child’s daycare/preschool expenses?!?

OP, you would be better off divorced. Child support and daycare expenses are usually destructed straight out of a paycheck. It really helps with deadbeat dads who don’t think they have to support their children. The only difference is that you’re married to a deadbeat who doesn’t want to support his kid. What a loser! I’m angry just reading this! I can’t imagine what you’re going through.

No one said it was ok - but if he's not going to agree or contribute, just DO IT for your own sake. Not a scenario where you become a martyr for equal rights.

I’m not saying she should become a martyr, I’m saying she should get divorced!

OP, you’re married to a deadbeat. Ditch the loser.

[Anonymous]

Either you can be a sahm or he can cough up for child care. His choice.