whats the core issue in your marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Two issues-

1. He is intelligent, controlling, and dominant yet still passive if that makes sense. It wasn’t clear to me what this looked like for awhile but I’ve figured it out. He will act very easy going but actually has a very clear idea of how he wants things to go and will act out passive aggressively if this does not happen. Conflict avoidant which leads to breakdown in communication.

2. I resent him being socially kind of awkward. Doesn’t have friends unless through me. Never does hobbies or initiates activities. Does not bring much fun to our relationship. Very serious and worries a lot about health and money (neither of which we have issues with).


Wow. You just described my DH.
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Ditto! During the dating and engagement phase, this looks like somebody who is "easy going" and is willing to compromise, which should be a good sign. But the person still has his own money, controls his own time, lives in his own space, so you aren't actually threatening his choices and therefore you never see that he can't stand up for himself in a healthy way. Nor can he compromise in the real sense of the word.

And the hobbies/boring stuff looks like he's so interested in your and your amazing world of lovely friends and family that he wants to join in. In my case, my activities were dinner parties, hiking, sailing, woodworking, and back country camping. It didn't strike me as odd that he wanted to join in on these things, and the last thing I expected was that he'd want me to stop doing those things once we were married. Mine also worried about money. He came from UMC money and I didn't. I was more than content with what we had and our income trajectories, but he believed us to be "broke" with a HHI of $350K and no debts other than a mortgage. This was almost twice what we were making when we were first married, but he would constantly move the goalpost. So it was clear that no matter how much we made, we'd be broke and unable to just relax about finances forever. As for health, I actually think he was bummed every time I had a physical and all my blood work would come back perfect.

[Anonymous]

Correct. PP, this is called the mental load and it's an ongoing theme in most marriages,

The "mental load" or "emotional labor" = made-up bullshit that women invent so they can feel put-upon and grumble about perfectly decent, hard-working, loving husbands. Sad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Correct. PP, this is called the mental load and it's an ongoing theme in most marriages,

The "mental load" or "emotional labor" = made-up bullshit that women invent so they can feel put-upon and grumble about perfectly decent, hard-working, loving husbands. Sad!

You are clearly someone who doesn't carry any of the mental load.

[Anonymous]

Adhd
Verbal abuse (this is THE issue that will break it)
Disengaged and incapable spouse
Workaholic spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Correct. PP, this is called the mental load and it's an ongoing theme in most marriages,

The "mental load" or "emotional labor" = made-up bullshit that women invent so they can feel put-upon and grumble about perfectly decent, hard-working, loving husbands. Sad!

Some of it yes, some of it no. Take it from a perspective of the stuff MEN tend to spearhead:

1) have a shiny and detailed car- unnecessary BUT schedule and take car for routine maintenance- necessary
2) have perfect looking lawn- unnecessary BUT cleaning gutters or hiring someone- necessary

believe me it is the same for child rearing, taking care of a house, and taking care of relationships...sure some of it isn’t necessary (Christmas cards) but some really is (remembering Grandmas bday and sending a gift). You can put off a kids haircut but not a checkup/vaccines. Your house can be a bit messy but if the kids are wearing dirty clothes or you have dishes in the sink a week old you are in CPS territory.

Both men and women carry mental loads...the issue tends to be thst things like auto care, outdoor things etc are only periodic. Things like childcare and household chores are DAILY. Some relationship things can be tossed aside but some are necessary unless you want to be the a-hole that forgets granny birthday...

Most of it is not made up BS though some things are yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Correct. PP, this is called the mental load and it's an ongoing theme in most marriages,

The "mental load" or "emotional labor" = made-up bullshit that women invent so they can feel put-upon and grumble about perfectly decent, hard-working, loving husbands. Sad!

Total bullshit. My husband is wonderful and loving. He’s a phenomenal father and a great household partner. The mental load is absolutely a real thing, all of those things aside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Correct. PP, this is called the mental load and it's an ongoing theme in most marriages,

The "mental load" or "emotional labor" = made-up bullshit that women invent so they can feel put-upon and grumble about perfectly decent, hard-working, loving husbands. Sad!

You are clearly someone who doesn't carry any of the mental load.

Exactly. To that poster I will say that any given time I have 20+ notes on my phone of random crap that needs to be done. 70% of it is absolutely necessary (call xyz company about over billing, make ortho appt for Susie, P/T conference for Larlo, refill prescription, call chimney sweep for appt, make hotel
For johns wedding, return field trip forms) blah blah blah blah. The rest tends to be basic relationship stuff so that we live in a half civilized society (send aunt Edna a bday card, call sister and see how surgery went, whatever). Only rarely is there an “unnecessary” item on the list- like schedule family
Photos.

My DH is great and I love him. And if I ask specifically he will do most of the above. but I am the one who needs to remember, and I need to ask him specifically and tell him what tasks. Very little of it would get done otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two issues-

1. He is intelligent, controlling, and dominant yet still passive if that makes sense. It wasn’t clear to me what this looked like for awhile but I’ve figured it out. He will act very easy going but actually has a very clear idea of how he wants things to go and will act out passive aggressively if this does not happen. Conflict avoidant which leads to breakdown in communication.

2. I resent him being socially kind of awkward. Doesn’t have friends unless through me. Never does hobbies or initiates activities. Does not bring much fun to our relationship. Very serious and worries a lot about health and money (neither of which we have issues with).

Anxiety.

Hmmm really? I need to think about that. Tell me more.

[Anonymous]

Loss of attraction after years of resentment. Reasons include porn habit, not much respect for his work ethic, indifferent about a lot of things that matter to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Untreated anxiety and depression

This probably, coupled with insecurity and self-doubt. It all paralyzes my husband (in many ways) and prevents him from being what he would be if he weren't so damaged.

[Anonymous]

Serving dishes are the bane of my existence. My wife uses too many of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feeling that what I do for the family is largely taken for granted.

that my needs (not just sex) come after the kids, friends and the dog.

I guarantee you that many husbands also feel that way.

But any man who complains about that will get a resounding "shut up, manbaby!" from DCUM.

They need to divorce before they become undateable curmudgeons.

[Anonymous]

Lack of intellectual connection

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lack of a deep connection that over the years has translated into a lack of intimacy and eventually led to an affair.

I assume the extremely passive voice here ("led to an affair") means you are the one that had the affair. Maybe try taking some responsibility for your actions.

[Anonymous]

His parents were both alcoholics, and he grew up in a really chaotic household. Our household is normal, which is what he wants, but he doesn’t intuitively get it and doesn’t put any effort into trying.
He doesn’t do enough housework. Doesn’t understand the routines of the house/family (breakfast, school, homework, dinner, evening activities, bed), doesn’t realize that our elementary schoolers aren’t toddlers anymore, just generally seems checked out.

He is brilliant and intense, and I know that he could figure this stuff out if he wanted to. It isn’t rocket science. But he just won’t. Most of the time I just deal and appreciate all of the wonderful things about him, but sometimes I just lose it.