whats the core issue in your marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serving dishes are the bane of my existence. My wife uses too many of them.

And a dinner with a protein and a vegetable uses five pots and pans and I do clean up?

[Anonymous]

Loyalty issues--stepkids.

[Anonymous]

We don't have any. Is that weird, or is that because we are older? 50ish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't have any. Is that weird, or is that because we are older? 50ish.

Leave please. The rest of us are getting things off our chests, ok? Go cuddle with your wonderful spouse.

[Anonymous]

Phone addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Correct. PP, this is called the mental load and it's an ongoing theme in most marriages,

The "mental load" or "emotional labor" = made-up bullshit that women invent so they can feel put-upon and grumble about perfectly decent, hard-working, loving husbands. Sad!

You are clearly someone who doesn't carry any of the mental load.

Exactly. To that poster I will say that any given time I have 20+ notes on my phone of random crap that needs to be done. 70% of it is absolutely necessary (call xyz company about over billing, make ortho appt for Susie, P/T conference for Larlo, refill prescription, call chimney sweep for appt, make hotel
For johns wedding, return field trip forms) blah blah blah blah. The rest tends to be basic relationship stuff so that we live in a half civilized society (send aunt Edna a bday card, call sister and see how surgery went, whatever). Only rarely is there an “unnecessary” item on the list- like schedule family
Photos.

My DH is great and I love him. And if I ask specifically he will do most of the above. but I am the one who needs to remember, and I need to ask him specifically and tell him what tasks. Very little of it would get done otherwise.

And life would go on if there were some wiffs on these things. Folks need to stop and go from back to front now and again, ie on my deathbed will this have mattered? I swear there are people who make up issues cause that’s what they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh, it's kind of a cliche but division of mental labor.

My husband pulls his weight in many ways and for years this was never an issue, but now that we have two small kids (6 months and 3 years) the burden of all of the planning/logistics/etc. is starting to overwhelm me, and I feel frustrated and we argue a lot about it. I feel like he is just not capable of thinking of everything the household needs and it makes us both really upset.

I definitely don't feel like he is my third child, thank god - he is completely self sufficient and also does a ton for the kids. He is just not as good at the abstract thinking as I am. Just for a small example - he makes the baby's bottles for daycare every day. I've never had to ask him to do this, nag him, remind him, etc. Every morning he gets my pumped milk out of the fridge, the formula, etc. and packs them up for daycare. Great, right?

BUT it literally never occurred to him that the baby is 6 months old now and should start eating regular food. I had to think about that, go to the grocery store and buy baby food, steam some carrots, remember to get them out at every meal. It's just a small thing but it explains how our whole dynamic is and it's so exhausting for me. He lives his life so relaxed because he is comfortable that all of his tasks will be given to him - as long as he executes his tasks, life is good. Meanwhile, I feel like I have to constantly worry because I am responsible for thinking about the thing nobody else thought about.

Anyway, this was never really a major issue for us until this year so I'm hopeful that it's just the strain of the second baby. Once we start sleeping again, the baby is into toddlerhood, etc. I hope we go back to our normal dynamic. We've always been really happy and this kind of sucks.

So common and a great description with the food example. Good post. I think most DHs are this way, in most things. Then again, so am I, in some areas: like car maintenance..I don’t know when things are supposed to be done but am happy to take the car for an oil change if DH asks. But it is not generally something I’d think of on my own (at least not as often as I should). So it does go both ways, but childcare/house stuff is so constant...especially in the early years

I have a brainless Task Rabbit Execution Monkey here too. So exhausting he can't think for himself or remember to do things by himself. I've tried 2 week stints of not telling him and $hit hits the fan and the older kids act up.

[Anonymous]

Were you aware....

that each kid needs a doctors form each summer to start school?

2 dental cleanings a year each person.

oil change once a year

launder bed sheets every 2 weeks

mow law every week in spring and summer

clean kitchen and play room daily

meal plan, shop weekly

sign up kids for sports or camps every 2-3 month period

winterize house - hoses, gutter, screens

decorate house if you want - holidays

send cards to extended family - holidays, days

have a closet full of kids' bday presents ready - refill 3x a year

monitor kids and decide to take to doctor if sick - on call

investments - on dips, for tax reasons, rebalancing - on call

file paper documents/important mail/receipts - monthly

book vacation plans 3-12 mos ahead of time - on going

buy clothes on sale for growing kids - sale times, quarterly

check over graded sheets from kids, are they learning - weekly

cull old clothes, toys, equipment - 2x a year

deep cleaning house - 2x a month (outsourced)

vacuum w cordless - 2x a week

then the daily stuff: breakfast, lunch boxes, weather appropriate clothes and coats, dinner, cleaning, homework, school admin, discussions, clean kitchen, process mail, respond to family emails, schedule things

.
.
.
We both work FT and travel, but got it down. or at least I do....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does everyone have an issue?

I can’t think of any

We didn't before kids now it's sex. But when it's sex, it bleeds into everything else. We are basically roommates but for now it's fine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Correct. PP, this is called the mental load and it's an ongoing theme in most marriages,

The "mental load" or "emotional labor" = made-up bullshit that women invent so they can feel put-upon and grumble about perfectly decent, hard-working, loving husbands. Sad!

You are clearly someone who doesn't carry any of the mental load.

Exactly. To that poster I will say that any given time I have 20+ notes on my phone of random crap that needs to be done. 70% of it is absolutely necessary (call xyz company about over billing, make ortho appt for Susie, P/T conference for Larlo, refill prescription, call chimney sweep for appt, make hotel
For johns wedding, return field trip forms) blah blah blah blah. The rest tends to be basic relationship stuff so that we live in a half civilized society (send aunt Edna a bday card, call sister and see how surgery went, whatever). Only rarely is there an “unnecessary” item on the list- like schedule family
Photos.

My DH is great and I love him. And if I ask specifically he will do most of the above. but I am the one who needs to remember, and I need to ask him specifically and tell him what tasks. Very little of it would get done otherwise.

And life would go on if there were some wiffs on these things. Folks need to stop and go from back to front now and again, ie on my deathbed will this have mattered? I swear there are people who make up issues cause that’s what they do.

Sure life would go on but in this case:

You’d get a call from school because your kid can’t go on the field trip. Your kill will flip out
You won’t have medication (maybe someone will die or get pregnant?)
You’ll have a bad credit score because you didn’t follow up on billing issues
You won’t attend your friend/family member’s wedding
Your house might burn down from the chimney

So yeah maybe you don’t require any of these but most people want to live a normal existence where they attend weddings, their kid is a normal kid at school, they have a good credit score and have their medication to take when they need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, it's kind of a cliche but division of mental labor.

My husband pulls his weight in many ways and for years this was never an issue, but now that we have two small kids (6 months and 3 years) the burden of all of the planning/logistics/etc. is starting to overwhelm me, and I feel frustrated and we argue a lot about it. I feel like he is just not capable of thinking of everything the household needs and it makes us both really upset.

I definitely don't feel like he is my third child, thank god - he is completely self sufficient and also does a ton for the kids. He is just not as good at the abstract thinking as I am. Just for a small example - he makes the baby's bottles for daycare every day. I've never had to ask him to do this, nag him, remind him, etc. Every morning he gets my pumped milk out of the fridge, the formula, etc. and packs them up for daycare. Great, right?

BUT it literally never occurred to him that the baby is 6 months old now and should start eating regular food. I had to think about that, go to the grocery store and buy baby food, steam some carrots, remember to get them out at every meal. It's just a small thing but it explains how our whole dynamic is and it's so exhausting for me. He lives his life so relaxed because he is comfortable that all of his tasks will be given to him - as long as he executes his tasks, life is good. Meanwhile, I feel like I have to constantly worry because I am responsible for thinking about the thing nobody else thought about.

Anyway, this was never really a major issue for us until this year so I'm hopeful that it's just the strain of the second baby. Once we start sleeping again, the baby is into toddlerhood, etc. I hope we go back to our normal dynamic. We've always been really happy and this kind of sucks.

You’re doing it wrong. You have to assign your husband nights or entire jobs. As in you make dinner on Monday. Then don’t do anything. You don’t plan the menu, you don’t buy food, you don’t ask about it. If the baby isn’t served appropriate food then you ask what the baby is going to eat. See what he does. You’ll probably tell him he needs to go to the store to buy X or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Money, I make it and she spends it. But she will happily spend more than I make. I’m doing everything I can to control it but she is very smart. Thankfully we don’t have children so my soon to come exit will not be painful. I’m thankful I have a prenup because when I do file she will face reality.

Do you still love her? Tried therapy? You could do worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does everyone have an issue?

I can’t think of any

We didn't before kids now it's sex. But when it's sex, it bleeds into everything else. We are basically roommates but for now it's fine

I bet this person is a man.

Women will say when it’s everything else, it bleeds into sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does everyone have an issue?

I can’t think of any

We didn't before kids now it's sex. But when it's sex, it bleeds into everything else. We are basically roommates but for now it's fine

I bet this person is a man.

Women will say when it’s everything else, it bleeds into sex.

OMG so true. Men don't understand the tone of whole relationship impact women's desire. Women don't compartmentalize sex from everything around them.

[Anonymous]

this site should be called mommy martyrs. good lord, some of the contrived drama in the last few posts just exemplifies how f"ed up are some folks' lives. y'all need serious doses of therapy if you think all this crap is absolutely essential. None of our parents did this much and yet we all made survived.