The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People will find their adult kids will move away so they will have to find a way to cope. I wouldn't think children are a guarantee in elder years.

This. I think some of these adult children will have to make a choice between making it in the workplace or giving up a job and a financial future for their parents and most will chose to be in the workforce. Early on in your career it is much harder to take family leave if you are lucky enough to have that benefit.

I am struck by the number of black and white thinkers. Oh parents can get ill at any time, so it's totally fine to have kids at 50 because life is a crapshoot. It's about data and chances. Sure you can get ill and die in your 20s, but there are so many more risks with say a 46 year old having babies. Besides the risk to her health and the child, she is now more likely to get breast cancer and yes, her kid is more likely to face caregiving at an age when not established in life yet.

[Anonymous]

I had children not "caregivers". Of course my grown children are going to be free to live their lives. Visit me - yes. But put aside their own responsibilities to themselves, their spouse, their children, their employer to care for me? No way.

I am going to be sure to write that out, date it and sign it. I'll give each of my kids a copy of what I've written while I'm of sound mind and body - when it's ME talking.

There are far worse things in life then not getting perfect care in your old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had children not "caregivers". Of course my grown children are going to be free to live their lives. Visit me - yes. But put aside their own responsibilities to themselves, their spouse, their children, their employer to care for me? No way.

I am going to be sure to write that out, date it and sign it. I'll give each of my kids a copy of what I've written while I'm of sound mind and body - when it's ME talking.

There are far worse things in life then not getting perfect care in your old age.

This is so, painfully, naive. Have you never had an elderly relative?

If what you wrote above were possible, my husband and I certainly would have done so, as would my mother and his mother, but it's not possible. Even if you have oodles of money (which they do), live in assisted living facilities (which they do), have financial people and caregivers and support systems (which they do) and are of sound mind (one is, one isn't) managing the old ladies is a constant stream of duties big and small.

I wish you the best, I really do, but to write something like you wrote above requires an optimistic streak that is crossing the border into arrogance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had children not "caregivers". Of course my grown children are going to be free to live their lives. Visit me - yes. But put aside their own responsibilities to themselves, their spouse, their children, their employer to care for me? No way.

I am going to be sure to write that out, date it and sign it. I'll give each of my kids a copy of what I've written while I'm of sound mind and body - when it's ME talking.

There are far worse things in life then not getting perfect care in your old age.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had children not "caregivers". Of course my grown children are going to be free to live their lives. Visit me - yes. But put aside their own responsibilities to themselves, their spouse, their children, their employer to care for me? No way.

I am going to be sure to write that out, date it and sign it. I'll give each of my kids a copy of what I've written while I'm of sound mind and body - when it's ME talking.

There are far worse things in life then not getting perfect care in your old age.

This is so, painfully, naive. Have you never had an elderly relative?

If what you wrote above were possible, my husband and I certainly would have done so, as would my mother and his mother, but it's not possible. Even if you have oodles of money (which they do), live in assisted living facilities (which they do), have financial people and caregivers and support systems (which they do) and are of sound mind (one is, one isn't) managing the old ladies is a constant stream of duties big and small.

I wish you the best, I really do, but to write something like you wrote above requires an optimistic streak that is crossing the border into arrogance.

I might not be as harsh as the PP, but I agree with PP. My parents had the same mindset and they have totally done me in. You get old and your mind changes and you get scared and next thing you know they send the whole extended family harassing you and you get a barrage of anxious calls. Plus, they are your parents and you care and want to help them. The siblings who walk away only can because somebody steps up because yes, in some cases there will be death if you don't get involved. Their IQs plummet and the crazy skyrockets. It's hell on earth. I would instruct your kids about the importance of good therapy, good meds, finding ways to realistically set boundaries, etc. I also plan tot rack my cognition and I pray I will be able to fly off and do assisted suicide before it's too late. It breaks my heart to think of my own kids enduring what I do. it quite literally did in my cosins health and killed one of my aunts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am laughing at all the responses here that have the theme:
"It's time for assisted living" or " "If xxxx, then it's time for a nursing home."
Oh boy, what a reality check that will be for these guys. If the elderly parent says no, it's no. Or, if there is no money, it's also no. Many times it is both. After doing this with 3 parents, between mine and my husband's...I am here to say....Get READY for a lot of your bubble life to end.
I cannot believe some of these answers...get a grip.

A very crazy ride it can be. Even better when you have other relatives, neighbors and friends constantly at you saying that you have to get them in a home. You explain over and over again they are not willing. They persist saying we are not doing things right, or that the doctor can make them. The constant "advice" and critique in an already desperate situation is oh soooo helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had children not "caregivers". Of course my grown children are going to be free to live their lives. Visit me - yes. But put aside their own responsibilities to themselves, their spouse, their children, their employer to care for me? No way.

I am going to be sure to write that out, date it and sign it. I'll give each of my kids a copy of what I've written while I'm of sound mind and body - when it's ME talking.

There are far worse things in life then not getting perfect care in your old age.

This is so, painfully, naive. Have you never had an elderly relative?

If what you wrote above were possible, my husband and I certainly would have done so, as would my mother and his mother, but it's not possible. Even if you have oodles of money (which they do), live in assisted living facilities (which they do), have financial people and caregivers and support systems (which they do) and are of sound mind (one is, one isn't) managing the old ladies is a constant stream of duties big and small.

I wish you the best, I really do, but to write something like you wrote above requires an optimistic streak that is crossing the border into arrogance.

Yes I have dealt with elderly relatives. And my statement stands. There are worse things than an adult child not dropping everything and rushing to their elderly parent's side at the first sign of trouble. In fact, as a parent myself, the worst thing would be that my own adult children's health, happiness and personal freedom would suffer trying to look out for me and appease me in my old age.

I have seen some great examples of older people who simply suck it up and dealing with it. Maybe I will write myself a note that I can read later on if or when I need to be reminded of my own wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had children not "caregivers". Of course my grown children are going to be free to live their lives. Visit me - yes. But put aside their own responsibilities to themselves, their spouse, their children, their employer to care for me? No way.

I am going to be sure to write that out, date it and sign it. I'll give each of my kids a copy of what I've written while I'm of sound mind and body - when it's ME talking.

There are far worse things in life then not getting perfect care in your old age.

This is so, painfully, naive. Have you never had an elderly relative?

If what you wrote above were possible, my husband and I certainly would have done so, as would my mother and his mother, but it's not possible. Even if you have oodles of money (which they do), live in assisted living facilities (which they do), have financial people and caregivers and support systems (which they do) and are of sound mind (one is, one isn't) managing the old ladies is a constant stream of duties big and small.

I wish you the best, I really do, but to write something like you wrote above requires an optimistic streak that is crossing the border into arrogance.

I might not be as harsh as the PP, but I agree with PP. My parents had the same mindset and they have totally done me in. You get old and your mind changes and you get scared and next thing you know they send the whole extended family harassing you and you get a barrage of anxious calls. Plus, they are your parents and you care and want to help them. The siblings who walk away only can because somebody steps up because yes, in some cases there will be death if you don't get involved. Their IQs plummet and the crazy skyrockets. It's hell on earth. I would instruct your kids about the importance of good therapy, good meds, finding ways to realistically set boundaries, etc. I also plan tot rack my cognition and I pray I will be able to fly off and do assisted suicide before it's too late. It breaks my heart to think of my own kids enduring what I do. it quite literally did in my cosins health and killed one of my aunts.

If you are taking meds and going to therapy to try and deal with the overwhelming demands of an aging and unrealistic elderly parent then you do not have enough boundaries in place.

You need to learn when to say enough is enough or you will get sick and even die, yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had children not "caregivers". Of course my grown children are going to be free to live their lives. Visit me - yes. But put aside their own responsibilities to themselves, their spouse, their children, their employer to care for me? No way.

I am going to be sure to write that out, date it and sign it. I'll give each of my kids a copy of what I've written while I'm of sound mind and body - when it's ME talking.

There are far worse things in life then not getting perfect care in your old age.

This is so, painfully, naive. Have you never had an elderly relative?

If what you wrote above were possible, my husband and I certainly would have done so, as would my mother and his mother, but it's not possible. Even if you have oodles of money (which they do), live in assisted living facilities (which they do), have financial people and caregivers and support systems (which they do) and are of sound mind (one is, one isn't) managing the old ladies is a constant stream of duties big and small.

I wish you the best, I really do, but to write something like you wrote above requires an optimistic streak that is crossing the border into arrogance.

Yes I have dealt with elderly relatives. And my statement stands. There are worse things than an adult child not dropping everything and rushing to their elderly parent's side at the first sign of trouble. In fact, as a parent myself, the worst thing would be that my own adult children's health, happiness and personal freedom would suffer trying to look out for me and appease me in my old age.

I have seen some great examples of older people who simply suck it up and dealing with it. Maybe I will write myself a note that I can read later on if or when I need to be reminded of my own wishes.

I hope you can remember where you left the note... and also, what it said 20 minutes after you read it.

My mom has a Ph.D., was 'brilliant' and went from fully functioning to 8 year old in about 12 months. Good luck with all these plans you have sister, seriously, I wouldn't wish mental decline on anyone, and yet, it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had children not "caregivers". Of course my grown children are going to be free to live their lives. Visit me - yes. But put aside their own responsibilities to themselves, their spouse, their children, their employer to care for me? No way.

I am going to be sure to write that out, date it and sign it. I'll give each of my kids a copy of what I've written while I'm of sound mind and body - when it's ME talking.

There are far worse things in life then not getting perfect care in your old age.

This is so, painfully, naive. Have you never had an elderly relative?

If what you wrote above were possible, my husband and I certainly would have done so, as would my mother and his mother, but it's not possible. Even if you have oodles of money (which they do), live in assisted living facilities (which they do), have financial people and caregivers and support systems (which they do) and are of sound mind (one is, one isn't) managing the old ladies is a constant stream of duties big and small.

I wish you the best, I really do, but to write something like you wrote above requires an optimistic streak that is crossing the border into arrogance.

Yes I have dealt with elderly relatives. And my statement stands. There are worse things than an adult child not dropping everything and rushing to their elderly parent's side at the first sign of trouble. In fact, as a parent myself, the worst thing would be that my own adult children's health, happiness and personal freedom would suffer trying to look out for me and appease me in my old age.

I have seen some great examples of older people who simply suck it up and dealing with it. Maybe I will write myself a note that I can read later on if or when I need to be reminded of my own wishes.

I hope you can remember where you left the note... and also, what it said 20 minutes after you read it.

My mom has a Ph.D., was 'brilliant' and went from fully functioning to 8 year old in about 12 months. Good luck with all these plans you have sister, seriously, I wouldn't wish mental decline on anyone, and yet, it happens.

Right. The person who is complaining and issuing unrealistic demands on you is a different person than the one who told you "I do not want to be a burden on you. Please live your own life. Old age sucks and it's going to suck for me no matter how often you visit. I know that. I love you and it's important to me that you take care of you, your SO and your own children. Do not feel guilty!"

[Anonymous]

My grandparents mostly all died before I was born to my older parents when they were 40. In some ways, if your parents pass away when you are younger you have more time to live your own life. One younger grandparent lived til age 95 and my mom and dad spent 20 (!) years taking care of her as she slowly deteriorated. I would rather have older parents..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had children not "caregivers". Of course my grown children are going to be free to live their lives. Visit me - yes. But put aside their own responsibilities to themselves, their spouse, their children, their employer to care for me? No way.

I am going to be sure to write that out, date it and sign it. I'll give each of my kids a copy of what I've written while I'm of sound mind and body - when it's ME talking.

There are far worse things in life then not getting perfect care in your old age.

This is so, painfully, naive. Have you never had an elderly relative?

If what you wrote above were possible, my husband and I certainly would have done so, as would my mother and his mother, but it's not possible. Even if you have oodles of money (which they do), live in assisted living facilities (which they do), have financial people and caregivers and support systems (which they do) and are of sound mind (one is, one isn't) managing the old ladies is a constant stream of duties big and small.

I wish you the best, I really do, but to write something like you wrote above requires an optimistic streak that is crossing the border into arrogance.

Yes I have dealt with elderly relatives. And my statement stands. There are worse things than an adult child not dropping everything and rushing to their elderly parent's side at the first sign of trouble. In fact, as a parent myself, the worst thing would be that my own adult children's health, happiness and personal freedom would suffer trying to look out for me and appease me in my old age.

I have seen some great examples of older people who simply suck it up and dealing with it. Maybe I will write myself a note that I can read later on if or when I need to be reminded of my own wishes.

I hope you can remember where you left the note... and also, what it said 20 minutes after you read it.

My mom has a Ph.D., was 'brilliant' and went from fully functioning to 8 year old in about 12 months. Good luck with all these plans you have sister, seriously, I wouldn't wish mental decline on anyone, and yet, it happens.

Great answer, and so sorry about your Mom. Most people don't want to be a burden to others, but when the time comes we all need someone to help. Even if there are plans, safety nets, and money, family still plays a very important role in aging parents and relatives. Many times this will be the hardest, but most important, work people do for each other and it's not convenient or pretty or even sweet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had children not "caregivers". Of course my grown children are going to be free to live their lives. Visit me - yes. But put aside their own responsibilities to themselves, their spouse, their children, their employer to care for me? No way.

I am going to be sure to write that out, date it and sign it. I'll give each of my kids a copy of what I've written while I'm of sound mind and body - when it's ME talking.

There are far worse things in life then not getting perfect care in your old age.

This is so, painfully, naive. Have you never had an elderly relative?

If what you wrote above were possible, my husband and I certainly would have done so, as would my mother and his mother, but it's not possible. Even if you have oodles of money (which they do), live in assisted living facilities (which they do), have financial people and caregivers and support systems (which they do) and are of sound mind (one is, one isn't) managing the old ladies is a constant stream of duties big and small.

I wish you the best, I really do, but to write something like you wrote above requires an optimistic streak that is crossing the border into arrogance.

I might not be as harsh as the PP, but I agree with PP. My parents had the same mindset and they have totally done me in. You get old and your mind changes and you get scared and next thing you know they send the whole extended family harassing you and you get a barrage of anxious calls. Plus, they are your parents and you care and want to help them. The siblings who walk away only can because somebody steps up because yes, in some cases there will be death if you don't get involved. Their IQs plummet and the crazy skyrockets. It's hell on earth. I would instruct your kids about the importance of good therapy, good meds, finding ways to realistically set boundaries, etc. I also plan tot rack my cognition and I pray I will be able to fly off and do assisted suicide before it's too late. It breaks my heart to think of my own kids enduring what I do. it quite literally did in my cosins health and killed one of my aunts.

See, this is the part where people have to make a firm choice. It makes no sense for multiple other family members to suffer, and even die, in caring for the elderly relatives. If it takes walking away from the elderly relative, then that is what needs to happen. It's simply not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandparents mostly all died before I was born to my older parents when they were 40. In some ways, if your parents pass away when you are younger you have more time to live your own life. One younger grandparent lived til age 95 and my mom and dad spent 20 (!) years taking care of her as she slowly deteriorated. I would rather have older parents..

That’s awful. My kids had such a very close and loving relationship with my dad until he died at 76 and they are close with my mom
as well. Grandparents offer so much to kids. Study after study cite the benefits of multi generational family relationships. I mourn the loss of my dad’s relationship with my boys. They were 9 and 12 when he died from cancer. My sisters’ kids were all over 18.

I can’t imagine my kids never having met my parents. They came to their games and my kids spent the night at their house once a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There’s a correlation between the gene that allows long fertility (older natural pregnancy) and the gene linked to longevity.

My mom has me in her mid 40s as a “whoops” baby. She’s in her 90s and basically fine health-wise. Her mom had her in her 30’s as a first baby, and she had no dementia at all until well past 100. So genetics plays a role.


Until it doesn’t. My dad’s parents made it to 89. He got cancer at 70 w/ zero family history and was very young for his age—looked and moved better than most 50-year olds. I always assumed he’d at least see my kids graduate HS—sadly not. One was in 4th grade, the other 6th. I have to say I was a bit cavalier about our family health and longevity prior so it rocked my world when my dad went through terminal cancer.

Was your father in Vietnam and exposed to Agent Orange? I ask this because a relative of mine is going through this and it has been a terrible shock as he was exposed to it and we had no idea. All of our other relatives lived into their 90's and he was the picture of health until this cancer. I am so sorry you went through this PP. I am watching my relative's children who are barely in their 30's have their world totally turned upside down. Environment plays a huge role . . . not just genetics.

No. He never served in the military.