The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a correlation between the gene that allows long fertility (older natural pregnancy) and the gene linked to longevity.

My mom has me in her mid 40s as a “whoops” baby. She’s in her 90s and basically fine health-wise. Her mom had her in her 30’s as a first baby, and she had no dementia at all until well past 100. So genetics plays a role.

Your reference to "the gene" is nonsense. Nobody has identified such gene(s). The rest is far from settled although there are indications that having a few children is better for women's longevity than none or many children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is so sad to me, after going through my parents decline and now my inlaws is how all consuming it is. It is highly emotional, it can be contentious...with them and siblings, for example, also financially draining, and if you are working, the job could be in jeopardy because there are endless emergencies. It is full time managing medical care, insurance, nurses, in home and out patient visits, medications, the fear of doing something wrong, the fear of not doing enough, lack if sleep, etc.

And then they die. Naturally there is a feeling of relief to some extent, and for some, even an inheritance...like a weird prize of some sort. Then there is the second guessing, maybe some guilt. You won't be bothered at 3 am anymore, or have to argue with your stupid brother or the actual sick parent who is being really difficult, but now wish you could go back and do something or everything differently.
And it is all because people get sick and die at some point in their lives...which is supposed to happen. It shouldn't be a mind f#($ to try and take care of a parent. Everyone deserves to be cared for and loved when they need it, but I know what the reality is. Our lives are not designed for it now. I know it will be the same way when it is my turn. I will be a burden- no matter what I try to do to preempt it.

For a second I wondered if I wrote this. Then I burst into tears because I related to so much of what you wrote. Yet, I felt some comfort that someone else out there had the same experience I had and maybe this strange kind of hell is common. There is another part. In the aftermath after all this turmoil and stress and worry and guilt, many of us end up with more serious health issues of our own. Stress absolutely can set off something that may have been brewing, but may not have happened without so many years of stress and drama as you try to do right by everyone and keep a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a forty something dealing with parents where one has Alzheimers and one dementia I truly worry about the kids born to older parents and yes I am in that group. Yes, parents can get ill at any age. Yes, there are endless benefits to having older parents including financial stability, parents who have achieved career success and may be more available emotionally, parents with life experience. Yes there is no ideal solution because as I said many wonderful things come from having kids later in life (had one of mine later). However, there will indeed be more 20 somethings and 30somethings dealing with parents with age related issues. It's a living hell some days in my 40s, but at least I have a happy and stable marriage. Not sure early on my marriage could have endured this stress. I have the financial resources to outsource. I have been through lots of adversity and know how to cope in a healthy way. If I dealt with this in my 20s I don't think I had the life experience and reserves to stay afloat.

To be clear, I am not saying, don't have kids later. I had one later. What I am saying is there are going to be more young people facing a crazy kind of hell many of us don't face until middle age or beyond.

I guess to be positive, they will be younger and more energetic so many it won't wipe them out as much. I just hope by that time we have more affordable options available to help these young adults navigate a truly challenging and draining experience.

(Yes, I know not all old people develop dementia and throw tantrums, but my parents did and I cannot imagine doing this in my 20s without having a nervous breakdown).

How old were your parents when they developed dementia? And what do you consider an “older” parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 24 and 27 when I had kids.My parents were 27 and 35 ( father) when I was born.My parents declined when I was in my late fifties. My kids were already on their own, but I still had to manage keeping my job. Now we are in our early sixties..retired. Elder care is a full time job. No alzheimers...plenty of other stuff requiring full time attention.

BTW..having kids young was great. I would recommend it whole heartedly. Not too young. Have a right partner first.

Are your parents living on their own or in a facility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my late 30s with elementary aged kids and with parents in their good health (69, 77). They have financial resources, but they (mostly my mom) INSIST on aging in place in their own home with no exceptions. My mom is starting to say lots of strongly worded remarks about this, like after visiting someone in a fancy assisted living facility referring to it as "lovely, but the most depressing place in the entire world." I think this is a status/control thing (lots of things are status things with my mom) but it scares the crap out of me. If they need care, they need to be in a facility that can provide it, not holed up in a house with few/no visitors and an overpriced aide without comprehensive medical training. They will need socialization and medical oversight that I will not be able to provide exclusively. I fear the day I have to make this call, if I ever do. If I have to do this in my 40s I can likely make it work, but in my 20s, yeah. I agree OP. It would've been a nightmare. That said, would there be more younger family members around to help -- uncles, aunts, etc... It may be just different, as opposed to completely terrible.

Read the recent article in NYT about assisted living. They basically dupe people into believing they provide a high level of care, when in fact many do not. After reading that article, I agree with your mother

[Anonymous]

what NYT article?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a correlation between the gene that allows long fertility (older natural pregnancy) and the gene linked to longevity.

My mom has me in her mid 40s as a “whoops” baby. She’s in her 90s and basically fine health-wise. Her mom had her in her 30’s as a first baby, and she had no dementia at all until well past 100. So genetics plays a role.

Your reference to "the gene" is nonsense. Nobody has identified such gene(s). The rest is far from settled although there are indications that having a few children is better for women's longevity than none or many children.

Grandma had 7, last at 42. Is alive at 97. Go figure. My Mom, her daughter, died at 72 quick cancer. It’s a crapshoot.

[Anonymous]

There is no easy age to be dealing with a declining parent. I was late 20's/early 30's when my dad had to go into a nursing home. It was rough and I wouldn't wish that on anyone but I also can't say that it is necessarily "easier" when an adult child is in their 50's/60's/70's and dealing with their own health issues, possibly downsizing themselves while helping an elderly parent to do the same.

The only thing I can advise is to do your best to plan well for yourself so that your kids have an easier time of it.

[Anonymous]

This is true. Lost my mom at 40. She had me at 38 and lived to 78. Death from stomach cancer is not for the faint of heart. I had my own children earlier (32 and 35) but have been thinking of how to set them up mentally for the day they eventually have to deal with my death or Illness. Also bought whole life insurance as a form of long term care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
There’s a correlation between the gene that allows long fertility (older natural pregnancy) and the gene linked to longevity.

My mom has me in her mid 40s as a “whoops” baby. She’s in her 90s and basically fine health-wise. Her mom had her in her 30’s as a first baby, and she had no dementia at all until well past 100. So genetics plays a role.


Until it doesn’t. My dad’s parents made it to 89. He got cancer at 70 w/ zero family history and was very young for his age—looked and moved better than most 50-year olds. I always assumed he’d at least see my kids graduate HS—sadly not. One was in 4th grade, the other 6th. I have to say I was a bit cavalier about our family health and longevity prior so it rocked my world when my dad went through terminal cancer.

Was your father in Vietnam and exposed to Agent Orange? I ask this because a relative of mine is going through this and it has been a terrible shock as he was exposed to it and we had no idea. All of our other relatives lived into their 90's and he was the picture of health until this cancer. I am so sorry you went through this PP. I am watching my relative's children who are barely in their 30's have their world totally turned upside down. Environment plays a huge role . . . not just genetics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a correlation between the gene that allows long fertility (older natural pregnancy) and the gene linked to longevity.

My mom has me in her mid 40s as a “whoops” baby. She’s in her 90s and basically fine health-wise. Her mom had her in her 30’s as a first baby, and she had no dementia at all until well past 100. So genetics plays a role.

Your reference to "the gene" is nonsense. Nobody has identified such gene(s). The rest is far from settled although there are indications that having a few children is better for women's longevity than none or many children.

Grandma had 7, last at 42. Is alive at 97. Go figure. My Mom, her daughter, died at 72 quick cancer. It’s a crapshoot.

Here's one of the studies, although there are several more that can be easily found online. My family members were involved in one of the earliest big studies regarding super-longevity and that correlation was one of their notable findings, so I have followed the research that grew out of it a bit. They haven't identified a specific gene, but there's a strong correlation found in multiple studies and the hypothesis is that there is a gene or combination of genes that basically slows the aging process resulting in longer fertility as well as delayed dementia and longer life. I agree with PP that cancer is a total wildcard, though. The relative that was involved in the study had a mother who died at 80 due to breast cancer (before it was really treated) -- without the breast cancer, maybe she would have lived to be 100, like her mother and her daughters.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4270889/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 24 and 27 when I had kids.My parents were 27 and 35 ( father) when I was born.My parents declined when I was in my late fifties. My kids were already on their own, but I still had to manage keeping my job. Now we are in our early sixties..retired. Elder care is a full time job. No alzheimers...plenty of other stuff requiring full time attention.

BTW..having kids young was great. I would recommend it whole heartedly. Not too young. Have a right partner first.

Had mine at 22 and 25. I was 39 when my dad died at 69 and 58 when my mom died at 86.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is so sad to me, after going through my parents decline and now my inlaws is how all consuming it is. It is highly emotional, it can be contentious...with them and siblings, for example, also financially draining, and if you are working, the job could be in jeopardy because there are endless emergencies. It is full time managing medical care, insurance, nurses, in home and out patient visits, medications, the fear of doing something wrong, the fear of not doing enough, lack if sleep, etc.

And then they die. Naturally there is a feeling of relief to some extent, and for some, even an inheritance...like a weird prize of some sort. Then there is the second guessing, maybe some guilt. You won't be bothered at 3 am anymore, or have to argue with your stupid brother or the actual sick parent who is being really difficult, but now wish you could go back and do something or everything differently.
And it is all because people get sick and die at some point in their lives...which is supposed to happen. It shouldn't be a mind f#($ to try and take care of a parent. Everyone deserves to be cared for and loved when they need it, but I know what the reality is. Our lives are not designed for it now. I know it will be the same way when it is my turn. I will be a burden- no matter what I try to do to preempt it.

I get this....sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my late 30s with elementary aged kids and with parents in their good health (69, 77). They have financial resources, but they (mostly my mom) INSIST on aging in place in their own home with no exceptions. My mom is starting to say lots of strongly worded remarks about this, like after visiting someone in a fancy assisted living facility referring to it as "lovely, but the most depressing place in the entire world." I think this is a status/control thing (lots of things are status things with my mom) but it scares the crap out of me. If they need care, they need to be in a facility that can provide it, not holed up in a house with few/no visitors and an overpriced aide without comprehensive medical training. They will need socialization and medical oversight that I will not be able to provide exclusively. I fear the day I have to make this call, if I ever do. If I have to do this in my 40s I can likely make it work, but in my 20s, yeah. I agree OP. It would've been a nightmare. That said, would there be more younger family members around to help -- uncles, aunts, etc... It may be just different, as opposed to completely terrible.

Read the recent article in NYT about assisted living. They basically dupe people into believing they provide a high level of care, when in fact many do not. After reading that article, I agree with your mother

My mom was so afraid of nursing homes. Luckily, my siblings, our spouses and a few grandchildren made sure she died in her home. It was hard at times, but my siblings and I hadn’t spent 2 weeks together since we were kids. It was a sad blessing.

[Anonymous]

As a society, we need to rethink our family units of the future. It makes no sense to have the elderly in retirement centers and the kds in daycare. We need multi-generational households again, that all live together and yet are independent.

We cannot have our young people wiped out by student loans and debts. Pay has to be equal for both men and women and paid maternity and paternity leave should be the norm. Flexible work schedules and remote work needs to be the norm.

This country is too backwards in all of these things.