The crisis coming that is taboo to talk about

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are currently caring for my elderly inlaws. It's been about 5 years since caring for my parents...which was all consuming while we were still working but had just become empty nesters. They passed away.

Now we just retired and we are involved in a huge tsunami of issues my inlaws just got...much of it self induced because of denial.
You would not believe our friends' comments:
"This is your retirement. You shouldnt be doing that."
" They created their own problems- don't enable them by going over there."
" Let him take an Uber to the radiology appt for chemo- it's not your job."
" You can never come out- what a shame they did this to you."
" Why can't your brother take off from work? Too bad!"

Their parents have died over the years. There's a sentiment of feeling "lucky" if parents have already passed that I seem to feel in many social circles.

We are becoming an entitled society. No empathy. Other people are throw aways. They shouldn't be interfering in our lives, as we deserve to live ours in freedom....that is what the message is.

I do not love my inlaws. They are super PITA to unbelievable degrees. I still do not feel that it is my right to not help them, and I am very saddened by those who do. Who will help us in 25 years?

I have watched many a relative become quite ill while being the chosen one for doing the most caregiving and receiving the most horrible behavior from their elderly parents. I have known quite a few people who received their cancer diagnosis within a year of being done caregiving for an elderly parent who was difficult. I think everyone has to find the right balance. As I have seen with my own caregiving empathy often leaves/detriorates as the brain ages and the parents will suck you dry emotionally and physically if you let them. It was a lot easier to do more for the parent who was pleasant. For the difficult parent it can leave an emotional hangover and physical symptoms. I think each person has to find what they can handle and part of that is dependent on the personality they are working with. Those who judge anyone doing caregiving should think twice.

You've got to take care of you first. Think of everyone that is relying on you. Think of the ones who will be impacted if you get sick.

You need to exercise, eat right and do fun things. The more positive energy you have, the more energy you have to share with others.

If that means an unreasonable older person is disappointed or cranky, oh well. Yes, you love your parents and you want to spend time with them and you are happy to help them out within reason. But martyring yourself and sacrificing your own health, well being and happiness is not good. Do what you can. if something doesn't get done perfectly it is not the end of the world. Be kind to yourself.

Sure. But- we don't get a pass because it id unpleasant. People who are aged and sick aren't generally going to be pleasant. And, yes, it is a responsibility that people have to undertake. It is not in incumbent upon retiring that we sail off into the sunset with a daiquiri.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are currently caring for my elderly inlaws. It's been about 5 years since caring for my parents...which was all consuming while we were still working but had just become empty nesters. They passed away.

Now we just retired and we are involved in a huge tsunami of issues my inlaws just got...much of it self induced because of denial.
You would not believe our friends' comments:
"This is your retirement. You shouldnt be doing that."
" They created their own problems- don't enable them by going over there."
" Let him take an Uber to the radiology appt for chemo- it's not your job."
" You can never come out- what a shame they did this to you."
" Why can't your brother take off from work? Too bad!"

Their parents have died over the years. There's a sentiment of feeling "lucky" if parents have already passed that I seem to feel in many social circles.

We are becoming an entitled society. No empathy. Other people are throw aways. They shouldn't be interfering in our lives, as we deserve to live ours in freedom....that is what the message is.

I do not love my inlaws. They are super PITA to unbelievable degrees. I still do not feel that it is my right to not help them, and I am very saddened by those who do. Who will help us in 25 years?

I have watched many a relative become quite ill while being the chosen one for doing the most caregiving and receiving the most horrible behavior from their elderly parents. I have known quite a few people who received their cancer diagnosis within a year of being done caregiving for an elderly parent who was difficult. I think everyone has to find the right balance. As I have seen with my own caregiving empathy often leaves/detriorates as the brain ages and the parents will suck you dry emotionally and physically if you let them. It was a lot easier to do more for the parent who was pleasant. For the difficult parent it can leave an emotional hangover and physical symptoms. I think each person has to find what they can handle and part of that is dependent on the personality they are working with. Those who judge anyone doing caregiving should think twice.

You've got to take care of you first. Think of everyone that is relying on you. Think of the ones who will be impacted if you get sick.

You need to exercise, eat right and do fun things. The more positive energy you have, the more energy you have to share with others.

If that means an unreasonable older person is disappointed or cranky, oh well. Yes, you love your parents and you want to spend time with them and you are happy to help them out within reason. But martyring yourself and sacrificing your own health, well being and happiness is not good. Do what you can. if something doesn't get done perfectly it is not the end of the world. Be kind to yourself.

Sure. But- we don't get a pass because it id unpleasant. People who are aged and sick aren't generally going to be pleasant. And, yes, it is a responsibility that people have to undertake. It is not in incumbent upon retiring that we sail off into the sunset with a daiquiri.

I think that you can (and should!) have days when you sail off into the sun with daiquiri, other days when you ride herd on teenagers, other days when you take care of projects around your own home and still other days when you drop by and visit an older relative, maybe take them grocery shopping and out to lunch.

This idea that you have to constantly be back and forth to their house tending their yard, cleaning their yard, driving them around is just not sustainable. If you are spending an inordinate amount of time doing that then it is time for them to downsize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are currently caring for my elderly inlaws. It's been about 5 years since caring for my parents...which was all consuming while we were still working but had just become empty nesters. They passed away.

Now we just retired and we are involved in a huge tsunami of issues my inlaws just got...much of it self induced because of denial.
You would not believe our friends' comments:
"This is your retirement. You shouldnt be doing that."
" They created their own problems- don't enable them by going over there."
" Let him take an Uber to the radiology appt for chemo- it's not your job."
" You can never come out- what a shame they did this to you."
" Why can't your brother take off from work? Too bad!"

Their parents have died over the years. There's a sentiment of feeling "lucky" if parents have already passed that I seem to feel in many social circles.

We are becoming an entitled society. No empathy. Other people are throw aways. They shouldn't be interfering in our lives, as we deserve to live ours in freedom....that is what the message is.

I do not love my inlaws. They are super PITA to unbelievable degrees. I still do not feel that it is my right to not help them, and I am very saddened by those who do. Who will help us in 25 years?

I have watched many a relative become quite ill while being the chosen one for doing the most caregiving and receiving the most horrible behavior from their elderly parents. I have known quite a few people who received their cancer diagnosis within a year of being done caregiving for an elderly parent who was difficult. I think everyone has to find the right balance. As I have seen with my own caregiving empathy often leaves/detriorates as the brain ages and the parents will suck you dry emotionally and physically if you let them. It was a lot easier to do more for the parent who was pleasant. For the difficult parent it can leave an emotional hangover and physical symptoms. I think each person has to find what they can handle and part of that is dependent on the personality they are working with. Those who judge anyone doing caregiving should think twice.

You've got to take care of you first. Think of everyone that is relying on you. Think of the ones who will be impacted if you get sick.

You need to exercise, eat right and do fun things. The more positive energy you have, the more energy you have to share with others.

If that means an unreasonable older person is disappointed or cranky, oh well. Yes, you love your parents and you want to spend time with them and you are happy to help them out within reason. But martyring yourself and sacrificing your own health, well being and happiness is not good. Do what you can. if something doesn't get done perfectly it is not the end of the world. Be kind to yourself.

Sure. But- we don't get a pass because it id unpleasant. People who are aged and sick aren't generally going to be pleasant. And, yes, it is a responsibility that people have to undertake. It is not in incumbent upon retiring that we sail off into the sunset with a daiquiri.

I think that you can (and should!) have days when you sail off into the sun with daiquiri, other days when you ride herd on teenagers, other days when you take care of projects around your own home and still other days when you drop by and visit an older relative, maybe take them grocery shopping and out to lunch.

This idea that you have to constantly be back and forth to their house tending their yard, cleaning their yard, driving them around is just not sustainable. If you are spending an inordinate amount of time doing that then it is time for them to downsize.

Oh, you think it is about a house? No.

Subtle renal failure signs, diabetes, blood draws, nutrition, dr appts, transport, insurance paperwork, referrals, overnights in ICU, hospitals, medical supplies, coordination of nurses and staff, rehab facility liasion, nursing home liasion for one parent, bringing the other parent to see the parent in facility, feeding the pets, diapering an incontinent parent who doesn't think he's incontinent, apologizing to nurses who were yelled at, asking for repeated clarifications of what "red blood in pee or poop" means, making sure they eat, making sure the dr talks to you and gives info, clarifying to dr what the REAL story is after your parent tells them complete bullshit, taking the car keys away, taking your phone into the barhroom, bed, garden, and dog walks so you miss nothing, bluetooth in car, never making any plans beyond one day, getting the right prescription from CVS, refills on time, organizing their bills and paying them, doing their taxes, scheduling new financing for nursing care, laundry, wiping their tears, calming their fits of anger, unclogging toilets after shit bombs, explaining repeatedly what can be put down in a toilet, being glad most of the shit made it into the toilet, dealing with calls from friends and neighbors who want to "help" with cake, insulin and blood pressure checks that go to dr for review each day, hoping the nurse is on time, getting the internet connection back on for TV, arguing with sibling about firing nurses at home because they are too expensive and don't "do that much", getting calls at 3 am, calling the EMT several times a month.

Downsizing? You think this is about downsizing? Wrong thread, dear.

And no, we don't get a pass because it is too hard. This is life, obligation, and responsibility...it is not fun. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a society, we need to rethink our family units of the future. It makes no sense to have the elderly in retirement centers and the kds in daycare. We need multi-generational households again, that all live together and yet are independent.

We cannot have our young people wiped out by student loans and debts. Pay has to be equal for both men and women and paid maternity and paternity leave should be the norm. Flexible work schedules and remote work needs to be the norm.

This country is too backwards in all of these things.

You’re missing the point of the op. These type of multigenerational and symbiotic units were more feasible when the average gap between generations was ~25 years. With more and more people having children at 35-40 or up it’s far less likely that your average 75-85 year old grandparent is going to be able to live in your home and actually help in providing child care for your own kids. More likely that they will begin to need their own caregiver, hence the growing challenge for those in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are currently caring for my elderly inlaws. It's been about 5 years since caring for my parents...which was all consuming while we were still working but had just become empty nesters. They passed away.

Now we just retired and we are involved in a huge tsunami of issues my inlaws just got...much of it self induced because of denial.
You would not believe our friends' comments:
"This is your retirement. You shouldnt be doing that."
" They created their own problems- don't enable them by going over there."
" Let him take an Uber to the radiology appt for chemo- it's not your job."
" You can never come out- what a shame they did this to you."
" Why can't your brother take off from work? Too bad!"

Their parents have died over the years. There's a sentiment of feeling "lucky" if parents have already passed that I seem to feel in many social circles.

We are becoming an entitled society. No empathy. Other people are throw aways. They shouldn't be interfering in our lives, as we deserve to live ours in freedom....that is what the message is.

I do not love my inlaws. They are super PITA to unbelievable degrees. I still do not feel that it is my right to not help them, and I am very saddened by those who do. Who will help us in 25 years?

I have watched many a relative become quite ill while being the chosen one for doing the most caregiving and receiving the most horrible behavior from their elderly parents. I have known quite a few people who received their cancer diagnosis within a year of being done caregiving for an elderly parent who was difficult. I think everyone has to find the right balance. As I have seen with my own caregiving empathy often leaves/detriorates as the brain ages and the parents will suck you dry emotionally and physically if you let them. It was a lot easier to do more for the parent who was pleasant. For the difficult parent it can leave an emotional hangover and physical symptoms. I think each person has to find what they can handle and part of that is dependent on the personality they are working with. Those who judge anyone doing caregiving should think twice.

You've got to take care of you first. Think of everyone that is relying on you. Think of the ones who will be impacted if you get sick.

You need to exercise, eat right and do fun things. The more positive energy you have, the more energy you have to share with others.

If that means an unreasonable older person is disappointed or cranky, oh well. Yes, you love your parents and you want to spend time with them and you are happy to help them out within reason. But martyring yourself and sacrificing your own health, well being and happiness is not good. Do what you can. if something doesn't get done perfectly it is not the end of the world. Be kind to yourself.

Sure. But- we don't get a pass because it id unpleasant. People who are aged and sick aren't generally going to be pleasant. And, yes, it is a responsibility that people have to undertake. It is not in incumbent upon retiring that we sail off into the sunset with a daiquiri.

I think that you can (and should!) have days when you sail off into the sun with daiquiri, other days when you ride herd on teenagers, other days when you take care of projects around your own home and still other days when you drop by and visit an older relative, maybe take them grocery shopping and out to lunch.

This idea that you have to constantly be back and forth to their house tending their yard, cleaning their yard, driving them around is just not sustainable. If you are spending an inordinate amount of time doing that then it is time for them to downsize.

Oh, you think it is about a house? No.

Subtle renal failure signs, diabetes, blood draws, nutrition, dr appts, transport, insurance paperwork, referrals, overnights in ICU, hospitals, medical supplies, coordination of nurses and staff, rehab facility liasion, nursing home liasion for one parent, bringing the other parent to see the parent in facility, feeding the pets, diapering an incontinent parent who doesn't think he's incontinent, apologizing to nurses who were yelled at, asking for repeated clarifications of what "red blood in pee or poop" means, making sure they eat, making sure the dr talks to you and gives info, clarifying to dr what the REAL story is after your parent tells them complete bullshit, taking the car keys away, taking your phone into the barhroom, bed, garden, and dog walks so you miss nothing, bluetooth in car, never making any plans beyond one day, getting the right prescription from CVS, refills on time, organizing their bills and paying them, doing their taxes, scheduling new financing for nursing care, laundry, wiping their tears, calming their fits of anger, unclogging toilets after shit bombs, explaining repeatedly what can be put down in a toilet, being glad most of the shit made it into the toilet, dealing with calls from friends and neighbors who want to "help" with cake, insulin and blood pressure checks that go to dr for review each day, hoping the nurse is on time, getting the internet connection back on for TV, arguing with sibling about firing nurses at home because they are too expensive and don't "do that much", getting calls at 3 am, calling the EMT several times a month.

Downsizing? You think this is about downsizing? Wrong thread, dear.

And no, we don't get a pass because it is too hard. This is life, obligation, and responsibility...it is not fun. Sorry.

O.k. If you broke your leg tomorrow who would do all of this? What would happen to your parents? Serious question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are currently caring for my elderly inlaws. It's been about 5 years since caring for my parents...which was all consuming while we were still working but had just become empty nesters. They passed away.

Now we just retired and we are involved in a huge tsunami of issues my inlaws just got...much of it self induced because of denial.
You would not believe our friends' comments:
"This is your retirement. You shouldnt be doing that."
" They created their own problems- don't enable them by going over there."
" Let him take an Uber to the radiology appt for chemo- it's not your job."
" You can never come out- what a shame they did this to you."
" Why can't your brother take off from work? Too bad!"

Their parents have died over the years. There's a sentiment of feeling "lucky" if parents have already passed that I seem to feel in many social circles.

We are becoming an entitled society. No empathy. Other people are throw aways. They shouldn't be interfering in our lives, as we deserve to live ours in freedom....that is what the message is.

I do not love my inlaws. They are super PITA to unbelievable degrees. I still do not feel that it is my right to not help them, and I am very saddened by those who do. Who will help us in 25 years?

I have watched many a relative become quite ill while being the chosen one for doing the most caregiving and receiving the most horrible behavior from their elderly parents. I have known quite a few people who received their cancer diagnosis within a year of being done caregiving for an elderly parent who was difficult. I think everyone has to find the right balance. As I have seen with my own caregiving empathy often leaves/detriorates as the brain ages and the parents will suck you dry emotionally and physically if you let them. It was a lot easier to do more for the parent who was pleasant. For the difficult parent it can leave an emotional hangover and physical symptoms. I think each person has to find what they can handle and part of that is dependent on the personality they are working with. Those who judge anyone doing caregiving should think twice.

You've got to take care of you first. Think of everyone that is relying on you. Think of the ones who will be impacted if you get sick.

You need to exercise, eat right and do fun things. The more positive energy you have, the more energy you have to share with others.

If that means an unreasonable older person is disappointed or cranky, oh well. Yes, you love your parents and you want to spend time with them and you are happy to help them out within reason. But martyring yourself and sacrificing your own health, well being and happiness is not good. Do what you can. if something doesn't get done perfectly it is not the end of the world. Be kind to yourself.

Sure. But- we don't get a pass because it id unpleasant. People who are aged and sick aren't generally going to be pleasant. And, yes, it is a responsibility that people have to undertake. It is not in incumbent upon retiring that we sail off into the sunset with a daiquiri.

I think that you can (and should!) have days when you sail off into the sun with daiquiri, other days when you ride herd on teenagers, other days when you take care of projects around your own home and still other days when you drop by and visit an older relative, maybe take them grocery shopping and out to lunch.

This idea that you have to constantly be back and forth to their house tending their yard, cleaning their yard, driving them around is just not sustainable. If you are spending an inordinate amount of time doing that then it is time for them to downsize.

Oh, you think it is about a house? No.

Subtle renal failure signs, diabetes, blood draws, nutrition, dr appts, transport, insurance paperwork, referrals, overnights in ICU, hospitals, medical supplies, coordination of nurses and staff, rehab facility liasion, nursing home liasion for one parent, bringing the other parent to see the parent in facility, feeding the pets, diapering an incontinent parent who doesn't think he's incontinent, apologizing to nurses who were yelled at, asking for repeated clarifications of what "red blood in pee or poop" means, making sure they eat, making sure the dr talks to you and gives info, clarifying to dr what the REAL story is after your parent tells them complete bullshit, taking the car keys away, taking your phone into the barhroom, bed, garden, and dog walks so you miss nothing, bluetooth in car, never making any plans beyond one day, getting the right prescription from CVS, refills on time, organizing their bills and paying them, doing their taxes, scheduling new financing for nursing care, laundry, wiping their tears, calming their fits of anger, unclogging toilets after shit bombs, explaining repeatedly what can be put down in a toilet, being glad most of the shit made it into the toilet, dealing with calls from friends and neighbors who want to "help" with cake, insulin and blood pressure checks that go to dr for review each day, hoping the nurse is on time, getting the internet connection back on for TV, arguing with sibling about firing nurses at home because they are too expensive and don't "do that much", getting calls at 3 am, calling the EMT several times a month.

Downsizing? You think this is about downsizing? Wrong thread, dear.

And no, we don't get a pass because it is too hard. This is life, obligation, and responsibility...it is not fun. Sorry.

O.k. If you broke your leg tomorrow who would do all of this? What would happen to your parents? Serious question.

Siblings would have to take FEMLA and move here. Neither can actually do that because they need their paycheck and in each case are the health insurance providers for their family, but, yes.

I did it, for my parents ( now it is inlaws) while I was working, but because I couldn't do it all, there were some things that went south very quickly. I was lucky in some ways with the nurses I had, but it is a crap shoot.
That's the point of this thread. This is a crisis.

Older people are making very poor plans, not that it solves everything, but there are some safeguards. You can't plan illness, cancer, Parkinsons, stroke, but one can plan housing arrangements and leveled care. Many refuse. So if they do, do we refuse to do these things that surface in this critical time? I am not sure what choices there are. If we get a call that Dad fell off his bed and has a head gash at 2 am, do we say " Well, call Pete. I am sleeping."

Also, some do not have the funds. ...continual care communities are not cheap. That being said, there's a lot on this list that would still be there as responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are currently caring for my elderly inlaws. It's been about 5 years since caring for my parents...which was all consuming while we were still working but had just become empty nesters. They passed away.

Now we just retired and we are involved in a huge tsunami of issues my inlaws just got...much of it self induced because of denial.
You would not believe our friends' comments:
"This is your retirement. You shouldnt be doing that."
" They created their own problems- don't enable them by going over there."
" Let him take an Uber to the radiology appt for chemo- it's not your job."
" You can never come out- what a shame they did this to you."
" Why can't your brother take off from work? Too bad!"

Their parents have died over the years. There's a sentiment of feeling "lucky" if parents have already passed that I seem to feel in many social circles.

We are becoming an entitled society. No empathy. Other people are throw aways. They shouldn't be interfering in our lives, as we deserve to live ours in freedom....that is what the message is.

I do not love my inlaws. They are super PITA to unbelievable degrees. I still do not feel that it is my right to not help them, and I am very saddened by those who do. Who will help us in 25 years?

I have watched many a relative become quite ill while being the chosen one for doing the most caregiving and receiving the most horrible behavior from their elderly parents. I have known quite a few people who received their cancer diagnosis within a year of being done caregiving for an elderly parent who was difficult. I think everyone has to find the right balance. As I have seen with my own caregiving empathy often leaves/detriorates as the brain ages and the parents will suck you dry emotionally and physically if you let them. It was a lot easier to do more for the parent who was pleasant. For the difficult parent it can leave an emotional hangover and physical symptoms. I think each person has to find what they can handle and part of that is dependent on the personality they are working with. Those who judge anyone doing caregiving should think twice.

You've got to take care of you first. Think of everyone that is relying on you. Think of the ones who will be impacted if you get sick.

You need to exercise, eat right and do fun things. The more positive energy you have, the more energy you have to share with others.

If that means an unreasonable older person is disappointed or cranky, oh well. Yes, you love your parents and you want to spend time with them and you are happy to help them out within reason. But martyring yourself and sacrificing your own health, well being and happiness is not good. Do what you can. if something doesn't get done perfectly it is not the end of the world. Be kind to yourself.

Sure. But- we don't get a pass because it id unpleasant. People who are aged and sick aren't generally going to be pleasant. And, yes, it is a responsibility that people have to undertake. It is not in incumbent upon retiring that we sail off into the sunset with a daiquiri.

I think that you can (and should!) have days when you sail off into the sun with daiquiri, other days when you ride herd on teenagers, other days when you take care of projects around your own home and still other days when you drop by and visit an older relative, maybe take them grocery shopping and out to lunch.

This idea that you have to constantly be back and forth to their house tending their yard, cleaning their yard, driving them around is just not sustainable. If you are spending an inordinate amount of time doing that then it is time for them to downsize.

Oh, you think it is about a house? No.

Subtle renal failure signs, diabetes, blood draws, nutrition, dr appts, transport, insurance paperwork, referrals, overnights in ICU, hospitals, medical supplies, coordination of nurses and staff, rehab facility liasion, nursing home liasion for one parent, bringing the other parent to see the parent in facility, feeding the pets, diapering an incontinent parent who doesn't think he's incontinent, apologizing to nurses who were yelled at, asking for repeated clarifications of what "red blood in pee or poop" means, making sure they eat, making sure the dr talks to you and gives info, clarifying to dr what the REAL story is after your parent tells them complete bullshit, taking the car keys away, taking your phone into the barhroom, bed, garden, and dog walks so you miss nothing, bluetooth in car, never making any plans beyond one day, getting the right prescription from CVS, refills on time, organizing their bills and paying them, doing their taxes, scheduling new financing for nursing care, laundry, wiping their tears, calming their fits of anger, unclogging toilets after shit bombs, explaining repeatedly what can be put down in a toilet, being glad most of the shit made it into the toilet, dealing with calls from friends and neighbors who want to "help" with cake, insulin and blood pressure checks that go to dr for review each day, hoping the nurse is on time, getting the internet connection back on for TV, arguing with sibling about firing nurses at home because they are too expensive and don't "do that much", getting calls at 3 am, calling the EMT several times a month.

Downsizing? You think this is about downsizing? Wrong thread, dear.

And no, we don't get a pass because it is too hard. This is life, obligation, and responsibility...it is not fun. Sorry.

Finally, someone who gets it. Looking out for elderly parents requires a LOT more than just an occasional phone call or visit. Even if a parent is in assisted living, there’s still much that has to be done. ALL of the adult children need to step up but sadly the burden tends to fall on one. The others often just don’t care or are clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are currently caring for my elderly inlaws. It's been about 5 years since caring for my parents...which was all consuming while we were still working but had just become empty nesters. They passed away.

Now we just retired and we are involved in a huge tsunami of issues my inlaws just got...much of it self induced because of denial.
You would not believe our friends' comments:
"This is your retirement. You shouldnt be doing that."
" They created their own problems- don't enable them by going over there."
" Let him take an Uber to the radiology appt for chemo- it's not your job."
" You can never come out- what a shame they did this to you."
" Why can't your brother take off from work? Too bad!"

Their parents have died over the years. There's a sentiment of feeling "lucky" if parents have already passed that I seem to feel in many social circles.

We are becoming an entitled society. No empathy. Other people are throw aways. They shouldn't be interfering in our lives, as we deserve to live ours in freedom....that is what the message is.

I do not love my inlaws. They are super PITA to unbelievable degrees. I still do not feel that it is my right to not help them, and I am very saddened by those who do. Who will help us in 25 years?

I have watched many a relative become quite ill while being the chosen one for doing the most caregiving and receiving the most horrible behavior from their elderly parents. I have known quite a few people who received their cancer diagnosis within a year of being done caregiving for an elderly parent who was difficult. I think everyone has to find the right balance. As I have seen with my own caregiving empathy often leaves/detriorates as the brain ages and the parents will suck you dry emotionally and physically if you let them. It was a lot easier to do more for the parent who was pleasant. For the difficult parent it can leave an emotional hangover and physical symptoms. I think each person has to find what they can handle and part of that is dependent on the personality they are working with. Those who judge anyone doing caregiving should think twice.

You've got to take care of you first. Think of everyone that is relying on you. Think of the ones who will be impacted if you get sick.

You need to exercise, eat right and do fun things. The more positive energy you have, the more energy you have to share with others.

If that means an unreasonable older person is disappointed or cranky, oh well. Yes, you love your parents and you want to spend time with them and you are happy to help them out within reason. But martyring yourself and sacrificing your own health, well being and happiness is not good. Do what you can. if something doesn't get done perfectly it is not the end of the world. Be kind to yourself.

Sure. But- we don't get a pass because it id unpleasant. People who are aged and sick aren't generally going to be pleasant. And, yes, it is a responsibility that people have to undertake. It is not in incumbent upon retiring that we sail off into the sunset with a daiquiri.

I think that you can (and should!) have days when you sail off into the sun with daiquiri, other days when you ride herd on teenagers, other days when you take care of projects around your own home and still other days when you drop by and visit an older relative, maybe take them grocery shopping and out to lunch.

This idea that you have to constantly be back and forth to their house tending their yard, cleaning their yard, driving them around is just not sustainable. If you are spending an inordinate amount of time doing that then it is time for them to downsize.

Oh, you think it is about a house? No.

Subtle renal failure signs, diabetes, blood draws, nutrition, dr appts, transport, insurance paperwork, referrals, overnights in ICU, hospitals, medical supplies, coordination of nurses and staff, rehab facility liasion, nursing home liasion for one parent, bringing the other parent to see the parent in facility, feeding the pets, diapering an incontinent parent who doesn't think he's incontinent, apologizing to nurses who were yelled at, asking for repeated clarifications of what "red blood in pee or poop" means, making sure they eat, making sure the dr talks to you and gives info, clarifying to dr what the REAL story is after your parent tells them complete bullshit, taking the car keys away, taking your phone into the barhroom, bed, garden, and dog walks so you miss nothing, bluetooth in car, never making any plans beyond one day, getting the right prescription from CVS, refills on time, organizing their bills and paying them, doing their taxes, scheduling new financing for nursing care, laundry, wiping their tears, calming their fits of anger, unclogging toilets after shit bombs, explaining repeatedly what can be put down in a toilet, being glad most of the shit made it into the toilet, dealing with calls from friends and neighbors who want to "help" with cake, insulin and blood pressure checks that go to dr for review each day, hoping the nurse is on time, getting the internet connection back on for TV, arguing with sibling about firing nurses at home because they are too expensive and don't "do that much", getting calls at 3 am, calling the EMT several times a month.

Downsizing? You think this is about downsizing? Wrong thread, dear.

And no, we don't get a pass because it is too hard. This is life, obligation, and responsibility...it is not fun. Sorry.

O.k. If you broke your leg tomorrow who would do all of this? What would happen to your parents? Serious question.

Siblings would have to take FEMLA and move here. Neither can actually do that because they need their paycheck and in each case are the health insurance providers for their family, but, yes.

I did it, for my parents ( now it is inlaws) while I was working, but because I couldn't do it all, there were some things that went south very quickly. I was lucky in some ways with the nurses I had, but it is a crap shoot.
That's the point of this thread. This is a crisis.

Older people are making very poor plans, not that it solves everything, but there are some safeguards. You can't plan illness, cancer, Parkinsons, stroke, but one can plan housing arrangements and leveled care. Many refuse. So if they do, do we refuse to do these things that surface in this critical time? I am not sure what choices there are. If we get a call that Dad fell off his bed and has a head gash at 2 am, do we say " Well, call Pete. I am sleeping."

Also, some do not have the funds. ...continual care communities are not cheap. That being said, there's a lot on this list that would still be there as responsibilities.

Who is calling you to report that your dad has fallen out of his bed? Is he in assisted living or a nursing home where he's getting round the clock care? If not he should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are currently caring for my elderly inlaws. It's been about 5 years since caring for my parents...which was all consuming while we were still working but had just become empty nesters. They passed away.

Now we just retired and we are involved in a huge tsunami of issues my inlaws just got...much of it self induced because of denial.
You would not believe our friends' comments:
"This is your retirement. You shouldnt be doing that."
" They created their own problems- don't enable them by going over there."
" Let him take an Uber to the radiology appt for chemo- it's not your job."
" You can never come out- what a shame they did this to you."
" Why can't your brother take off from work? Too bad!"

Their parents have died over the years. There's a sentiment of feeling "lucky" if parents have already passed that I seem to feel in many social circles.

We are becoming an entitled society. No empathy. Other people are throw aways. They shouldn't be interfering in our lives, as we deserve to live ours in freedom....that is what the message is.

I do not love my inlaws. They are super PITA to unbelievable degrees. I still do not feel that it is my right to not help them, and I am very saddened by those who do. Who will help us in 25 years?

I have watched many a relative become quite ill while being the chosen one for doing the most caregiving and receiving the most horrible behavior from their elderly parents. I have known quite a few people who received their cancer diagnosis within a year of being done caregiving for an elderly parent who was difficult. I think everyone has to find the right balance. As I have seen with my own caregiving empathy often leaves/detriorates as the brain ages and the parents will suck you dry emotionally and physically if you let them. It was a lot easier to do more for the parent who was pleasant. For the difficult parent it can leave an emotional hangover and physical symptoms. I think each person has to find what they can handle and part of that is dependent on the personality they are working with. Those who judge anyone doing caregiving should think twice.

You've got to take care of you first. Think of everyone that is relying on you. Think of the ones who will be impacted if you get sick.

You need to exercise, eat right and do fun things. The more positive energy you have, the more energy you have to share with others.

If that means an unreasonable older person is disappointed or cranky, oh well. Yes, you love your parents and you want to spend time with them and you are happy to help them out within reason. But martyring yourself and sacrificing your own health, well being and happiness is not good. Do what you can. if something doesn't get done perfectly it is not the end of the world. Be kind to yourself.

Sure. But- we don't get a pass because it id unpleasant. People who are aged and sick aren't generally going to be pleasant. And, yes, it is a responsibility that people have to undertake. It is not in incumbent upon retiring that we sail off into the sunset with a daiquiri.

I think that you can (and should!) have days when you sail off into the sun with daiquiri, other days when you ride herd on teenagers, other days when you take care of projects around your own home and still other days when you drop by and visit an older relative, maybe take them grocery shopping and out to lunch.

This idea that you have to constantly be back and forth to their house tending their yard, cleaning their yard, driving them around is just not sustainable. If you are spending an inordinate amount of time doing that then it is time for them to downsize.

Oh, you think it is about a house? No.

Subtle renal failure signs, diabetes, blood draws, nutrition, dr appts, transport, insurance paperwork, referrals, overnights in ICU, hospitals, medical supplies, coordination of nurses and staff, rehab facility liasion, nursing home liasion for one parent, bringing the other parent to see the parent in facility, feeding the pets, diapering an incontinent parent who doesn't think he's incontinent, apologizing to nurses who were yelled at, asking for repeated clarifications of what "red blood in pee or poop" means, making sure they eat, making sure the dr talks to you and gives info, clarifying to dr what the REAL story is after your parent tells them complete bullshit, taking the car keys away, taking your phone into the barhroom, bed, garden, and dog walks so you miss nothing, bluetooth in car, never making any plans beyond one day, getting the right prescription from CVS, refills on time, organizing their bills and paying them, doing their taxes, scheduling new financing for nursing care, laundry, wiping their tears, calming their fits of anger, unclogging toilets after shit bombs, explaining repeatedly what can be put down in a toilet, being glad most of the shit made it into the toilet, dealing with calls from friends and neighbors who want to "help" with cake, insulin and blood pressure checks that go to dr for review each day, hoping the nurse is on time, getting the internet connection back on for TV, arguing with sibling about firing nurses at home because they are too expensive and don't "do that much", getting calls at 3 am, calling the EMT several times a month.

Downsizing? You think this is about downsizing? Wrong thread, dear.

And no, we don't get a pass because it is too hard. This is life, obligation, and responsibility...it is not fun. Sorry.

O.k. If you broke your leg tomorrow who would do all of this? What would happen to your parents? Serious question.

Siblings would have to take FEMLA and move here. Neither can actually do that because they need their paycheck and in each case are the health insurance providers for their family, but, yes.

I did it, for my parents ( now it is inlaws) while I was working, but because I couldn't do it all, there were some things that went south very quickly. I was lucky in some ways with the nurses I had, but it is a crap shoot.
That's the point of this thread. This is a crisis.

Older people are making very poor plans, not that it solves everything, but there are some safeguards. You can't plan illness, cancer, Parkinsons, stroke, but one can plan housing arrangements and leveled care. Many refuse. So if they do, do we refuse to do these things that surface in this critical time? I am not sure what choices there are. If we get a call that Dad fell off his bed and has a head gash at 2 am, do we say " Well, call Pete. I am sleeping."

Also, some do not have the funds. ...continual care communities are not cheap. That being said, there's a lot on this list that would still be there as responsibilities.

Who is calling you to report that your dad has fallen out of his bed? Is he in assisted living or a nursing home where he's getting round the clock care? If not he should be.

You didn't read the account above carefully. One parent is in full care, but the spouse is not at that level, yet does receive nursing care at home. And...neither has Alzheimers or dementia. There isn't a clear trajectory from illness and some frailty to a full care nursing home, or even an assisted living. There is so much that people don't fully understand about aging. It's not black and white with clear boundaries of need. It's a spectrum of need. It is not consistent and it is not linear. It is not predictable. It is not able to be fully planned for. It is also crazy expensive in time, resources, money, and patience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are currently caring for my elderly inlaws. It's been about 5 years since caring for my parents...which was all consuming while we were still working but had just become empty nesters. They passed away.

Now we just retired and we are involved in a huge tsunami of issues my inlaws just got...much of it self induced because of denial.
You would not believe our friends' comments:
"This is your retirement. You shouldnt be doing that."
" They created their own problems- don't enable them by going over there."
" Let him take an Uber to the radiology appt for chemo- it's not your job."
" You can never come out- what a shame they did this to you."
" Why can't your brother take off from work? Too bad!"

Their parents have died over the years. There's a sentiment of feeling "lucky" if parents have already passed that I seem to feel in many social circles.

We are becoming an entitled society. No empathy. Other people are throw aways. They shouldn't be interfering in our lives, as we deserve to live ours in freedom....that is what the message is.

I do not love my inlaws. They are super PITA to unbelievable degrees. I still do not feel that it is my right to not help them, and I am very saddened by those who do. Who will help us in 25 years?

I have watched many a relative become quite ill while being the chosen one for doing the most caregiving and receiving the most horrible behavior from their elderly parents. I have known quite a few people who received their cancer diagnosis within a year of being done caregiving for an elderly parent who was difficult. I think everyone has to find the right balance. As I have seen with my own caregiving empathy often leaves/detriorates as the brain ages and the parents will suck you dry emotionally and physically if you let them. It was a lot easier to do more for the parent who was pleasant. For the difficult parent it can leave an emotional hangover and physical symptoms. I think each person has to find what they can handle and part of that is dependent on the personality they are working with. Those who judge anyone doing caregiving should think twice.

You've got to take care of you first. Think of everyone that is relying on you. Think of the ones who will be impacted if you get sick.

You need to exercise, eat right and do fun things. The more positive energy you have, the more energy you have to share with others.

If that means an unreasonable older person is disappointed or cranky, oh well. Yes, you love your parents and you want to spend time with them and you are happy to help them out within reason. But martyring yourself and sacrificing your own health, well being and happiness is not good. Do what you can. if something doesn't get done perfectly it is not the end of the world. Be kind to yourself.

Sure. But- we don't get a pass because it id unpleasant. People who are aged and sick aren't generally going to be pleasant. And, yes, it is a responsibility that people have to undertake. It is not in incumbent upon retiring that we sail off into the sunset with a daiquiri.

I think that you can (and should!) have days when you sail off into the sun with daiquiri, other days when you ride herd on teenagers, other days when you take care of projects around your own home and still other days when you drop by and visit an older relative, maybe take them grocery shopping and out to lunch.

This idea that you have to constantly be back and forth to their house tending their yard, cleaning their yard, driving them around is just not sustainable. If you are spending an inordinate amount of time doing that then it is time for them to downsize.

Oh, you think it is about a house? No.

Subtle renal failure signs, diabetes, blood draws, nutrition, dr appts, transport, insurance paperwork, referrals, overnights in ICU, hospitals, medical supplies, coordination of nurses and staff, rehab facility liasion, nursing home liasion for one parent, bringing the other parent to see the parent in facility, feeding the pets, diapering an incontinent parent who doesn't think he's incontinent, apologizing to nurses who were yelled at, asking for repeated clarifications of what "red blood in pee or poop" means, making sure they eat, making sure the dr talks to you and gives info, clarifying to dr what the REAL story is after your parent tells them complete bullshit, taking the car keys away, taking your phone into the barhroom, bed, garden, and dog walks so you miss nothing, bluetooth in car, never making any plans beyond one day, getting the right prescription from CVS, refills on time, organizing their bills and paying them, doing their taxes, scheduling new financing for nursing care, laundry, wiping their tears, calming their fits of anger, unclogging toilets after shit bombs, explaining repeatedly what can be put down in a toilet, being glad most of the shit made it into the toilet, dealing with calls from friends and neighbors who want to "help" with cake, insulin and blood pressure checks that go to dr for review each day, hoping the nurse is on time, getting the internet connection back on for TV, arguing with sibling about firing nurses at home because they are too expensive and don't "do that much", getting calls at 3 am, calling the EMT several times a month.

Downsizing? You think this is about downsizing? Wrong thread, dear.

And no, we don't get a pass because it is too hard. This is life, obligation, and responsibility...it is not fun. Sorry.

O.k. If you broke your leg tomorrow who would do all of this? What would happen to your parents? Serious question.

Siblings would have to take FEMLA and move here. Neither can actually do that because they need their paycheck and in each case are the health insurance providers for their family, but, yes.

I did it, for my parents ( now it is inlaws) while I was working, but because I couldn't do it all, there were some things that went south very quickly. I was lucky in some ways with the nurses I had, but it is a crap shoot.
That's the point of this thread. This is a crisis.

Older people are making very poor plans, not that it solves everything, but there are some safeguards. You can't plan illness, cancer, Parkinsons, stroke, but one can plan housing arrangements and leveled care. Many refuse. So if they do, do we refuse to do these things that surface in this critical time? I am not sure what choices there are. If we get a call that Dad fell off his bed and has a head gash at 2 am, do we say " Well, call Pete. I am sleeping."

Also, some do not have the funds. ...continual care communities are not cheap. That being said, there's a lot on this list that would still be there as responsibilities.

Who is calling you to report that your dad has fallen out of his bed? Is he in assisted living or a nursing home where he's getting round the clock care? If not he should be.

You didn't read the account above carefully. One parent is in full care, but the spouse is not at that level, yet does receive nursing care at home. And...neither has Alzheimers or dementia. There isn't a clear trajectory from illness and some frailty to a full care nursing home, or even an assisted living. There is so much that people don't fully understand about aging. It's not black and white with clear boundaries of need. It's a spectrum of need. It is not consistent and it is not linear. It is not predictable. It is not able to be fully planned for. It is also crazy expensive in time, resources, money, and patience.

If you are changing your dad's diapers it's time for him to go into assisted living. He is requiring more care than a normal independent person needs. I am very sorry you are dealing with that but I also think that what you are dealing with is more than one person can reasonably be expected to handle.

[Anonymous]

I agree, op. I’m glad I had mine at 32 and 34. My mom had me at 37, and passed away when I was 39, and my dad has a neurological illness and is disabled now. Old age cane suddenly for them. My colleagues have had their at 47, 48, even50. It will be tough for them, though they are senior executives. These are difficult women who’ve always lived life on their terms and generally succeeded. They have another thing coming when they try to control their toddlers who won’t respect their titles, haha. And then dealing with aging parents to boot.

[Anonymous]

I had my daughter when I was 36 years old and my husband was 47. She is now 11 years old. My husband died 18 months ago. I belong to a group of women who are widows and are still raising younger children. This is quite common and many of us had children at an advanced maternal age. Knowing what I know now, I would have had my child at an earlier age. I know that illness or accident can strike at ANY age, but the odds most definitely increase when the parent(s) are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are currently caring for my elderly inlaws. It's been about 5 years since caring for my parents...which was all consuming while we were still working but had just become empty nesters. They passed away.

Now we just retired and we are involved in a huge tsunami of issues my inlaws just got...much of it self induced because of denial.
You would not believe our friends' comments:
"This is your retirement. You shouldnt be doing that."
" They created their own problems- don't enable them by going over there."
" Let him take an Uber to the radiology appt for chemo- it's not your job."
" You can never come out- what a shame they did this to you."
" Why can't your brother take off from work? Too bad!"

Their parents have died over the years. There's a sentiment of feeling "lucky" if parents have already passed that I seem to feel in many social circles.

We are becoming an entitled society. No empathy. Other people are throw aways. They shouldn't be interfering in our lives, as we deserve to live ours in freedom....that is what the message is.

I do not love my inlaws. They are super PITA to unbelievable degrees. I still do not feel that it is my right to not help them, and I am very saddened by those who do. Who will help us in 25 years?

I have watched many a relative become quite ill while being the chosen one for doing the most caregiving and receiving the most horrible behavior from their elderly parents. I have known quite a few people who received their cancer diagnosis within a year of being done caregiving for an elderly parent who was difficult. I think everyone has to find the right balance. As I have seen with my own caregiving empathy often leaves/detriorates as the brain ages and the parents will suck you dry emotionally and physically if you let them. It was a lot easier to do more for the parent who was pleasant. For the difficult parent it can leave an emotional hangover and physical symptoms. I think each person has to find what they can handle and part of that is dependent on the personality they are working with. Those who judge anyone doing caregiving should think twice.

You've got to take care of you first. Think of everyone that is relying on you. Think of the ones who will be impacted if you get sick.

You need to exercise, eat right and do fun things. The more positive energy you have, the more energy you have to share with others.

If that means an unreasonable older person is disappointed or cranky, oh well. Yes, you love your parents and you want to spend time with them and you are happy to help them out within reason. But martyring yourself and sacrificing your own health, well being and happiness is not good. Do what you can. if something doesn't get done perfectly it is not the end of the world. Be kind to yourself.

Sure. But- we don't get a pass because it id unpleasant. People who are aged and sick aren't generally going to be pleasant. And, yes, it is a responsibility that people have to undertake. It is not in incumbent upon retiring that we sail off into the sunset with a daiquiri.

I think that you can (and should!) have days when you sail off into the sun with daiquiri, other days when you ride herd on teenagers, other days when you take care of projects around your own home and still other days when you drop by and visit an older relative, maybe take them grocery shopping and out to lunch.

This idea that you have to constantly be back and forth to their house tending their yard, cleaning their yard, driving them around is just not sustainable. If you are spending an inordinate amount of time doing that then it is time for them to downsize.

Oh, you think it is about a house? No.

Subtle renal failure signs, diabetes, blood draws, nutrition, dr appts, transport, insurance paperwork, referrals, overnights in ICU, hospitals, medical supplies, coordination of nurses and staff, rehab facility liasion, nursing home liasion for one parent, bringing the other parent to see the parent in facility, feeding the pets, diapering an incontinent parent who doesn't think he's incontinent, apologizing to nurses who were yelled at, asking for repeated clarifications of what "red blood in pee or poop" means, making sure they eat, making sure the dr talks to you and gives info, clarifying to dr what the REAL story is after your parent tells them complete bullshit, taking the car keys away, taking your phone into the barhroom, bed, garden, and dog walks so you miss nothing, bluetooth in car, never making any plans beyond one day, getting the right prescription from CVS, refills on time, organizing their bills and paying them, doing their taxes, scheduling new financing for nursing care, laundry, wiping their tears, calming their fits of anger, unclogging toilets after shit bombs, explaining repeatedly what can be put down in a toilet, being glad most of the shit made it into the toilet, dealing with calls from friends and neighbors who want to "help" with cake, insulin and blood pressure checks that go to dr for review each day, hoping the nurse is on time, getting the internet connection back on for TV, arguing with sibling about firing nurses at home because they are too expensive and don't "do that much", getting calls at 3 am, calling the EMT several times a month.

Downsizing? You think this is about downsizing? Wrong thread, dear.

And no, we don't get a pass because it is too hard. This is life, obligation, and responsibility...it is not fun. Sorry.

O.k. If you broke your leg tomorrow who would do all of this? What would happen to your parents? Serious question.

Siblings would have to take FEMLA and move here. Neither can actually do that because they need their paycheck and in each case are the health insurance providers for their family, but, yes.

I did it, for my parents ( now it is inlaws) while I was working, but because I couldn't do it all, there were some things that went south very quickly. I was lucky in some ways with the nurses I had, but it is a crap shoot.
That's the point of this thread. This is a crisis.

Older people are making very poor plans, not that it solves everything, but there are some safeguards. You can't plan illness, cancer, Parkinsons, stroke, but one can plan housing arrangements and leveled care. Many refuse. So if they do, do we refuse to do these things that surface in this critical time? I am not sure what choices there are. If we get a call that Dad fell off his bed and has a head gash at 2 am, do we say " Well, call Pete. I am sleeping."

Also, some do not have the funds. ...continual care communities are not cheap. That being said, there's a lot on this list that would still be there as responsibilities.

Who is calling you to report that your dad has fallen out of his bed? Is he in assisted living or a nursing home where he's getting round the clock care? If not he should be.

You didn't read the account above carefully. One parent is in full care, but the spouse is not at that level, yet does receive nursing care at home. And...neither has Alzheimers or dementia. There isn't a clear trajectory from illness and some frailty to a full care nursing home, or even an assisted living. There is so much that people don't fully understand about aging. It's not black and white with clear boundaries of need. It's a spectrum of need. It is not consistent and it is not linear. It is not predictable. It is not able to be fully planned for. It is also crazy expensive in time, resources, money, and patience.

If you are changing your dad's diapers it's time for him to go into assisted living. He is requiring more care than a normal independent person needs. I am very sorry you are dealing with that but I also think that what you are dealing with is more than one person can reasonably be expected to handle.

Agree if you are changing your dad's diapers it's time for assisted living. The thing with some elderly parents is that they become so overly demanding. My in-laws are now becoming extremely demanding of my husband and I can only see it getting worse. I have told him to pace himself because he will get wiped out. The demands don't stop. He will get sick himself falling over himself running left, right and centre to fix absolutely everything. My MIL has said she doesn't want to be wiped out by FIL so she passes everything on to my husband. She is able bodied but useless and finds it tiring looking after FIL so my husband is left organising everything for her and FIL with no help from his sibling. Unfortunately yes you do get to the stage where you wonder when they will die.

There does need to be a balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are currently caring for my elderly inlaws. It's been about 5 years since caring for my parents...which was all consuming while we were still working but had just become empty nesters. They passed away.

Now we just retired and we are involved in a huge tsunami of issues my inlaws just got...much of it self induced because of denial.
You would not believe our friends' comments:
"This is your retirement. You shouldnt be doing that."
" They created their own problems- don't enable them by going over there."
" Let him take an Uber to the radiology appt for chemo- it's not your job."
" You can never come out- what a shame they did this to you."
" Why can't your brother take off from work? Too bad!"

Their parents have died over the years. There's a sentiment of feeling "lucky" if parents have already passed that I seem to feel in many social circles.

We are becoming an entitled society. No empathy. Other people are throw aways. They shouldn't be interfering in our lives, as we deserve to live ours in freedom....that is what the message is.

I do not love my inlaws. They are super PITA to unbelievable degrees. I still do not feel that it is my right to not help them, and I am very saddened by those who do. Who will help us in 25 years?

I have watched many a relative become quite ill while being the chosen one for doing the most caregiving and receiving the most horrible behavior from their elderly parents. I have known quite a few people who received their cancer diagnosis within a year of being done caregiving for an elderly parent who was difficult. I think everyone has to find the right balance. As I have seen with my own caregiving empathy often leaves/detriorates as the brain ages and the parents will suck you dry emotionally and physically if you let them. It was a lot easier to do more for the parent who was pleasant. For the difficult parent it can leave an emotional hangover and physical symptoms. I think each person has to find what they can handle and part of that is dependent on the personality they are working with. Those who judge anyone doing caregiving should think twice.

You've got to take care of you first. Think of everyone that is relying on you. Think of the ones who will be impacted if you get sick.

You need to exercise, eat right and do fun things. The more positive energy you have, the more energy you have to share with others.

If that means an unreasonable older person is disappointed or cranky, oh well. Yes, you love your parents and you want to spend time with them and you are happy to help them out within reason. But martyring yourself and sacrificing your own health, well being and happiness is not good. Do what you can. if something doesn't get done perfectly it is not the end of the world. Be kind to yourself.

Sure. But- we don't get a pass because it id unpleasant. People who are aged and sick aren't generally going to be pleasant. And, yes, it is a responsibility that people have to undertake. It is not in incumbent upon retiring that we sail off into the sunset with a daiquiri.

I think that you can (and should!) have days when you sail off into the sun with daiquiri, other days when you ride herd on teenagers, other days when you take care of projects around your own home and still other days when you drop by and visit an older relative, maybe take them grocery shopping and out to lunch.

This idea that you have to constantly be back and forth to their house tending their yard, cleaning their yard, driving them around is just not sustainable. If you are spending an inordinate amount of time doing that then it is time for them to downsize.

Oh, you think it is about a house? No.

Subtle renal failure signs, diabetes, blood draws, nutrition, dr appts, transport, insurance paperwork, referrals, overnights in ICU, hospitals, medical supplies, coordination of nurses and staff, rehab facility liasion, nursing home liasion for one parent, bringing the other parent to see the parent in facility, feeding the pets, diapering an incontinent parent who doesn't think he's incontinent, apologizing to nurses who were yelled at, asking for repeated clarifications of what "red blood in pee or poop" means, making sure they eat, making sure the dr talks to you and gives info, clarifying to dr what the REAL story is after your parent tells them complete bullshit, taking the car keys away, taking your phone into the barhroom, bed, garden, and dog walks so you miss nothing, bluetooth in car, never making any plans beyond one day, getting the right prescription from CVS, refills on time, organizing their bills and paying them, doing their taxes, scheduling new financing for nursing care, laundry, wiping their tears, calming their fits of anger, unclogging toilets after shit bombs, explaining repeatedly what can be put down in a toilet, being glad most of the shit made it into the toilet, dealing with calls from friends and neighbors who want to "help" with cake, insulin and blood pressure checks that go to dr for review each day, hoping the nurse is on time, getting the internet connection back on for TV, arguing with sibling about firing nurses at home because they are too expensive and don't "do that much", getting calls at 3 am, calling the EMT several times a month.

Downsizing? You think this is about downsizing? Wrong thread, dear.

And no, we don't get a pass because it is too hard. This is life, obligation, and responsibility...it is not fun. Sorry.

O.k. If you broke your leg tomorrow who would do all of this? What would happen to your parents? Serious question.

Siblings would have to take FEMLA and move here. Neither can actually do that because they need their paycheck and in each case are the health insurance providers for their family, but, yes.

I did it, for my parents ( now it is inlaws) while I was working, but because I couldn't do it all, there were some things that went south very quickly. I was lucky in some ways with the nurses I had, but it is a crap shoot.
That's the point of this thread. This is a crisis.

Older people are making very poor plans, not that it solves everything, but there are some safeguards. You can't plan illness, cancer, Parkinsons, stroke, but one can plan housing arrangements and leveled care. Many refuse. So if they do, do we refuse to do these things that surface in this critical time? I am not sure what choices there are. If we get a call that Dad fell off his bed and has a head gash at 2 am, do we say " Well, call Pete. I am sleeping."

Also, some do not have the funds. ...continual care communities are not cheap. That being said, there's a lot on this list that would still be there as responsibilities.

Who is calling you to report that your dad has fallen out of his bed? Is he in assisted living or a nursing home where he's getting round the clock care? If not he should be.

You didn't read the account above carefully. One parent is in full care, but the spouse is not at that level, yet does receive nursing care at home. And...neither has Alzheimers or dementia. There isn't a clear trajectory from illness and some frailty to a full care nursing home, or even an assisted living. There is so much that people don't fully understand about aging. It's not black and white with clear boundaries of need. It's a spectrum of need. It is not consistent and it is not linear. It is not predictable. It is not able to be fully planned for. It is also crazy expensive in time, resources, money, and patience.

If you are changing your dad's diapers it's time for him to go into assisted living. He is requiring more care than a normal independent person needs. I am very sorry you are dealing with that but I also think that what you are dealing with is more than one person can reasonably be expected to handle.

Agree if you are changing your dad's diapers it's time for assisted living. The thing with some elderly parents is that they become so overly demanding. My in-laws are now becoming extremely demanding of my husband and I can only see it getting worse. I have told him to pace himself because he will get wiped out. The demands don't stop. He will get sick himself falling over himself running left, right and centre to fix absolutely everything. My MIL has said she doesn't want to be wiped out by FIL so she passes everything on to my husband. She is able bodied but useless and finds it tiring looking after FIL so my husband is left organising everything for her and FIL with no help from his sibling. Unfortunately yes you do get to the stage where you wonder when they will die.

There does need to be a balance.

ONG I so relate to this. They do become REALLY demanding and NOTHING is enough. Your husband needs to set boundaries and a therapist can help. Your MIL has to suck it up. My mother tried to claim I should do all the work because dad was my blood relative and she was not related to him by blood?

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Anonymous wrote:We are currently caring for my elderly inlaws. It's been about 5 years since caring for my parents...which was all consuming while we were still working but had just become empty nesters. They passed away.

Now we just retired and we are involved in a huge tsunami of issues my inlaws just got...much of it self induced because of denial.
You would not believe our friends' comments:
"This is your retirement. You shouldnt be doing that."
" They created their own problems- don't enable them by going over there."
" Let him take an Uber to the radiology appt for chemo- it's not your job."
" You can never come out- what a shame they did this to you."
" Why can't your brother take off from work? Too bad!"

Their parents have died over the years. There's a sentiment of feeling "lucky" if parents have already passed that I seem to feel in many social circles.

We are becoming an entitled society. No empathy. Other people are throw aways. They shouldn't be interfering in our lives, as we deserve to live ours in freedom....that is what the message is.

I do not love my inlaws. They are super PITA to unbelievable degrees. I still do not feel that it is my right to not help them, and I am very saddened by those who do. Who will help us in 25 years?

I have watched many a relative become quite ill while being the chosen one for doing the most caregiving and receiving the most horrible behavior from their elderly parents. I have known quite a few people who received their cancer diagnosis within a year of being done caregiving for an elderly parent who was difficult. I think everyone has to find the right balance. As I have seen with my own caregiving empathy often leaves/detriorates as the brain ages and the parents will suck you dry emotionally and physically if you let them. It was a lot easier to do more for the parent who was pleasant. For the difficult parent it can leave an emotional hangover and physical symptoms. I think each person has to find what they can handle and part of that is dependent on the personality they are working with. Those who judge anyone doing caregiving should think twice.

You've got to take care of you first. Think of everyone that is relying on you. Think of the ones who will be impacted if you get sick.

You need to exercise, eat right and do fun things. The more positive energy you have, the more energy you have to share with others.

If that means an unreasonable older person is disappointed or cranky, oh well. Yes, you love your parents and you want to spend time with them and you are happy to help them out within reason. But martyring yourself and sacrificing your own health, well being and happiness is not good. Do what you can. if something doesn't get done perfectly it is not the end of the world. Be kind to yourself.

Sure. But- we don't get a pass because it id unpleasant. People who are aged and sick aren't generally going to be pleasant. And, yes, it is a responsibility that people have to undertake. It is not in incumbent upon retiring that we sail off into the sunset with a daiquiri.

I think that you can (and should!) have days when you sail off into the sun with daiquiri, other days when you ride herd on teenagers, other days when you take care of projects around your own home and still other days when you drop by and visit an older relative, maybe take them grocery shopping and out to lunch.

This idea that you have to constantly be back and forth to their house tending their yard, cleaning their yard, driving them around is just not sustainable. If you are spending an inordinate amount of time doing that then it is time for them to downsize.

Oh, you think it is about a house? No.

Subtle renal failure signs, diabetes, blood draws, nutrition, dr appts, transport, insurance paperwork, referrals, overnights in ICU, hospitals, medical supplies, coordination of nurses and staff, rehab facility liasion, nursing home liasion for one parent, bringing the other parent to see the parent in facility, feeding the pets, diapering an incontinent parent who doesn't think he's incontinent, apologizing to nurses who were yelled at, asking for repeated clarifications of what "red blood in pee or poop" means, making sure they eat, making sure the dr talks to you and gives info, clarifying to dr what the REAL story is after your parent tells them complete bullshit, taking the car keys away, taking your phone into the barhroom, bed, garden, and dog walks so you miss nothing, bluetooth in car, never making any plans beyond one day, getting the right prescription from CVS, refills on time, organizing their bills and paying them, doing their taxes, scheduling new financing for nursing care, laundry, wiping their tears, calming their fits of anger, unclogging toilets after shit bombs, explaining repeatedly what can be put down in a toilet, being glad most of the shit made it into the toilet, dealing with calls from friends and neighbors who want to "help" with cake, insulin and blood pressure checks that go to dr for review each day, hoping the nurse is on time, getting the internet connection back on for TV, arguing with sibling about firing nurses at home because they are too expensive and don't "do that much", getting calls at 3 am, calling the EMT several times a month.

Downsizing? You think this is about downsizing? Wrong thread, dear.

And no, we don't get a pass because it is too hard. This is life, obligation, and responsibility...it is not fun. Sorry.

O.k. If you broke your leg tomorrow who would do all of this? What would happen to your parents? Serious question.

Siblings would have to take FEMLA and move here. Neither can actually do that because they need their paycheck and in each case are the health insurance providers for their family, but, yes.

I did it, for my parents ( now it is inlaws) while I was working, but because I couldn't do it all, there were some things that went south very quickly. I was lucky in some ways with the nurses I had, but it is a crap shoot.
That's the point of this thread. This is a crisis.

Older people are making very poor plans, not that it solves everything, but there are some safeguards. You can't plan illness, cancer, Parkinsons, stroke, but one can plan housing arrangements and leveled care. Many refuse. So if they do, do we refuse to do these things that surface in this critical time? I am not sure what choices there are. If we get a call that Dad fell off his bed and has a head gash at 2 am, do we say " Well, call Pete. I am sleeping."

Also, some do not have the funds. ...continual care communities are not cheap. That being said, there's a lot on this list that would still be there as responsibilities.

Who is calling you to report that your dad has fallen out of his bed? Is he in assisted living or a nursing home where he's getting round the clock care? If not he should be.

You didn't read the account above carefully. One parent is in full care, but the spouse is not at that level, yet does receive nursing care at home. And...neither has Alzheimers or dementia. There isn't a clear trajectory from illness and some frailty to a full care nursing home, or even an assisted living. There is so much that people don't fully understand about aging. It's not black and white with clear boundaries of need. It's a spectrum of need. It is not consistent and it is not linear. It is not predictable. It is not able to be fully planned for. It is also crazy expensive in time, resources, money, and patience.

If you are changing your dad's diapers it's time for him to go into assisted living. He is requiring more care than a normal independent person needs. I am very sorry you are dealing with that but I also think that what you are dealing with is more than one person can reasonably be expected to handle.

Agree if you are changing your dad's diapers it's time for assisted living. The thing with some elderly parents is that they become so overly demanding. My in-laws are now becoming extremely demanding of my husband and I can only see it getting worse. I have told him to pace himself because he will get wiped out. The demands don't stop. He will get sick himself falling over himself running left, right and centre to fix absolutely everything. My MIL has said she doesn't want to be wiped out by FIL so she passes everything on to my husband. She is able bodied but useless and finds it tiring looking after FIL so my husband is left organising everything for her and FIL with no help from his sibling. Unfortunately yes you do get to the stage where you wonder when they will die.

There does need to be a balance.

ONG I so relate to this. They do become REALLY demanding and NOTHING is enough. Your husband needs to set boundaries and a therapist can help. Your MIL has to suck it up. My mother tried to claim I should do all the work because dad was my blood relative and she was not related to him by blood?

None if you get it. You will, though, if it happens in your family. There are no "boundaries." No, MIL doesn't have to " suck it up." No one is manipulating anyone. Everyone cannot be in a home. There has to be money for this. Even before Medicaid could kick in, assets have to be spent down. It is pretty complicated. And here's a news flash. Random or even full incontinence is not criteria for a nursing home or even assisted living. Good grief...get real. You do see all the Depends products in stores, right?

These people are in their 90s, and extremely fraile.. and this isn't even dementia. It's no one's right to not have to take care of parents. We are not deserving of anything just because we don't enjoy it. It's a reality. This entire thread is about the reality of what can and will happen. Get ready....because you might have to suck it up.