How hard to find a 1/2 time boyfriend in early 40s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an older divorced female. I have a FWB and he is TEN years younger and fantastic in bed. We always use condoms. Good luck!

This. If you’re reasonably attractive you can have your pick of FWB’s. Just focusing on that one purpose allows you to zero in on guys who you really find hot/attractive. I’ve had the same FWB for about 5 months. I met him on one of the dating apps. He’s a fireman and has a schedule where he’ll be on duty for 3-4 days in a row and then off entirely. It lines up pretty well for when I don’t have the kid. We’re both in agreement that we’re not interested in anything more than fun. Honestly, I’m having sex of my life. He’s really hot and very “gifted”.

OP also wants "exclusive."

I assume that you're realistic enough to not make that assumption in your case PP, since it's not mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is you shortly after your divorce

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/788867.page

OP here: Absolutely not. I have a moving on problem. I was never in love with my spouse. I was in love twice before and the second one broke me. I did not fall in love again and should never have married. I will not fall in love and will never want to introduce anyone to my family. Done with all of that.

I think at a minimum you should be honest about this relationship history with any guy you get involved with after the divorce. That way, it will ensure the guy has no illusions about your casual fling with him ever possibly turning into anything more serious, and he can make an informed judgment as to whether or not he should grant you "exclusivity."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is you shortly after your divorce

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/788867.page

OP here: Absolutely not. I have a moving on problem. I was never in love with my spouse. I was in love twice before and the second one broke me. I did not fall in love again and should never have married. I will not fall in love and will never want to introduce anyone to my family. Done with all of that.

Why did you marry if you were never in love with your husband? What did the second one do to you? It seems that you haven't recovered from whatever hurt the second one caused, and perhaps you carry it with you into this marriage. I wonder if some therapy can help resuscitate your marriage.

OP: I had a gut feeling I should not get married but did not listen to it. There is a lot of pressure to get married for women. My husband was big really in love with me either. I really do not think he has ever really been in love. We were not a good match for marriage to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I am not divorced. I want a divorce. I never want another man to meet my children. I will never live with a man or commingle my finances ever again. I would like to once in awhile get some action but not involve my kids ever. I would think some divorced men would never want to marry again and seek a similar arrangement. Would not have to last forever. I think it is possible but I think it would be hard to find...I am not ever seeking a full time full out relationship. Annoying at the suggestion I would wait until kids go to college. Um, no. Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life, I’ve waited far too long, and any action would be better then the sexless marriage I have had (many many years...most of the marriage without it).

That's all well and good.

Why do you think any man willing to involve himself with you should agree to exclusivity with you, and even if he did, why do you think that kind of "promise" would be worth anything at all?

Does it make you feel better if you have the illusion of exclusivity?

Why?

OP: I would think wanting to avoid STDs would be a reason. If he finds another option, that is fine, but then I will as well.

[Anonymous]

OP isn’t even divorced yet! Her marriage is on the rocks and this is just an exercise in divorce fantasy. Of course she’s bitter about relationships and romanticizing her past loves.

I doubt even OP would want the arrangement she describes long term. Can it work for 6 months, a year, maybe 2? Of course! But these FWB situations fizzle out once the novelty wears off and there’s no emotional intimacy to keep the connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP isn’t even divorced yet! Her marriage is on the rocks and this is just an exercise in divorce fantasy. Of course she’s bitter about relationships and romanticizing her past loves.

I doubt even OP would want the arrangement she describes long term. Can it work for 6 months, a year, maybe 2? Of course! But these FWB situations fizzle out once the novelty wears off and there’s no emotional intimacy to keep the connection.

OP here: 6 months, 1 Year or 2 years is fine. I do not want an actual relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I am not divorced. I want a divorce. I never want another man to meet my children. I will never live with a man or commingle my finances ever again. I would like to once in awhile get some action but not involve my kids ever. I would think some divorced men would never want to marry again and seek a similar arrangement. Would not have to last forever. I think it is possible but I think it would be hard to find...I am not ever seeking a full time full out relationship. Annoying at the suggestion I would wait until kids go to college. Um, no. Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life, I’ve waited far too long, and any action would be better then the sexless marriage I have had (many many years...most of the marriage without it).

With all due respect, you're not in a situation to discuss your long-term interests, you're saying what you're able to consider now. Anybody can find short term fb and you can too. Beyond that, it's an issue of you coming to grips with your divorce and what you want. I'm a 41yo divorced guy who divorced 4 years ago. I was happy to be non-exclusive for a bit and maintained that for a couple of years. But I wanted a deep committed relationship and found that with another divorcee. I would never have considered a relationship that didn't lead us to meeting each others' kids, because I couldn't care about her and not care about her daughter. It may be a while but please don't confuse your immediate reluctance to recommit with your actual desires.

OP here: Another man will never meet my kids until they are out of the house. That is 14 years away. I will never share living space or finances again. I know what my desires are for at least the next 14 years.

I agree that until you get to know your new partner pretty well, it's probably a mistake to introduce him to the rest of your family. So, maybe, 6 months or so? But realistically, how can you even have a casual relationship with a person if they can never meet your children? So that means he can never even come over to your house if you happen to have the kids that day? Because of the off chance he might actually have even a minimal interaction with your kids?

OP, it doesn't really sound like you are even looking for a casual relationship after divorce, in real life.

It sounds like you are working through a revenge fantasy against all men, where the man is available as your sex toy, does your bidding, but has no agency or rights as an individual human being.

I also think that since your kids are your family members, they have a right to have some information about who you are dating, just as you have the right to know who your kids are dating, certainly if the guy is anything but the most casual fling.

OP here: No, a man could not see me when I am with my kids. No, he can not come to my house if I have my kids. No, he will not meet them. That is not casual. That is a relationship. No. It would be different if I did not have kids, but I have them.

My kids are not entitled to any knowledge of my sex life whether I am married or divorced. Do I have to tell them we have not had sex for 85% of the entire marriage? No. Do I have to tell then if I have a FWB when not with them? No.

All they will need to know is that mommy and daddy are not married and have different houses. They are not entitled to any more information than that. Besides, my kids are little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I am not divorced. I want a divorce. I never want another man to meet my children. I will never live with a man or commingle my finances ever again. I would like to once in awhile get some action but not involve my kids ever. I would think some divorced men would never want to marry again and seek a similar arrangement. Would not have to last forever. I think it is possible but I think it would be hard to find...I am not ever seeking a full time full out relationship. Annoying at the suggestion I would wait until kids go to college. Um, no. Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life, I’ve waited far too long, and any action would be better then the sexless marriage I have had (many many years...most of the marriage without it).

That's all well and good.

Why do you think any man willing to involve himself with you should agree to exclusivity with you, and even if he did, why do you think that kind of "promise" would be worth anything at all?

Does it make you feel better if you have the illusion of exclusivity?

Why?

OP: I would think wanting to avoid STDs would be a reason. If he finds another option, that is fine, but then I will as well.

But you're going into the "relationship" already knowing that it's very casual and there's no commitment whatsoever. And no possibility of it ever growing into a committed relationship in the future. Those are your terms.

What sort of man do you think would agree to those terms, including exclusivity, and how do you know anyone who told you they were agreeable to those terms would actually be trustworthy?

The two things are mutually exclusive and you don't seem to understand that point at all.

Any man who is trustworthy enough to reliably agree to your "terms" is ALSO the type of man who would, on some level, have some preference or expectation for at least the possibility of a more meaningful, permanent, committed relationship to grow out of it--even if not leading to marriage.

Your marriage was and is dysfunctional, and I suspect you never have had a functional relationship with a man, most likely, because whatever relationship was modeled to you by your own parents was similarly hopelessly dysfunctional.

It's almost like you don't understand basic aspects of human nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I am not divorced. I want a divorce. I never want another man to meet my children. I will never live with a man or commingle my finances ever again. I would like to once in awhile get some action but not involve my kids ever. I would think some divorced men would never want to marry again and seek a similar arrangement. Would not have to last forever. I think it is possible but I think it would be hard to find...I am not ever seeking a full time full out relationship. Annoying at the suggestion I would wait until kids go to college. Um, no. Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life, I’ve waited far too long, and any action would be better then the sexless marriage I have had (many many years...most of the marriage without it).

That's all well and good.

Why do you think any man willing to involve himself with you should agree to exclusivity with you, and even if he did, why do you think that kind of "promise" would be worth anything at all?

Does it make you feel better if you have the illusion of exclusivity?

Why?

OP: I would think wanting to avoid STDs would be a reason. If he finds another option, that is fine, but then I will as well.

But you're going into the "relationship" already knowing that it's very casual and there's no commitment whatsoever. And no possibility of it ever growing into a committed relationship in the future. Those are your terms.

What sort of man do you think would agree to those terms, including exclusivity, and how do you know anyone who told you they were agreeable to those terms would actually be trustworthy?

The two things are mutually exclusive and you don't seem to understand that point at all.

Any man who is trustworthy enough to reliably agree to your "terms" is ALSO the type of man who would, on some level, have some preference or expectation for at least the possibility of a more meaningful, permanent, committed relationship to grow out of it--even if not leading to marriage.

Your marriage was and is dysfunctional, and I suspect you never have had a functional relationship with a man, most likely, because whatever relationship was modeled to you by your own parents was similarly hopelessly dysfunctional.

It's almost like you don't understand basic aspects of human nature.

OP here: my first love was a functional relationship—we were together for about 6 years; lived together for 4. We were too young. Ended at age 24. My second was dysfunctional. My parents have a bad marriage. I am capable of a functional relationship and would have one if I married the right person...but I didn’t. I do not want a normal relationship now because of my kids; otherwise I would. It would confuse them. I do not see how an FWB when I am not with the. Is a problem. Many people do not want to get their children involved with post-divorce relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I am not divorced. I want a divorce. I never want another man to meet my children. I will never live with a man or commingle my finances ever again. I would like to once in awhile get some action but not involve my kids ever. I would think some divorced men would never want to marry again and seek a similar arrangement. Would not have to last forever. I think it is possible but I think it would be hard to find...I am not ever seeking a full time full out relationship. Annoying at the suggestion I would wait until kids go to college. Um, no. Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life, I’ve waited far too long, and any action would be better then the sexless marriage I have had (many many years...most of the marriage without it).

That's all well and good.

Why do you think any man willing to involve himself with you should agree to exclusivity with you, and even if he did, why do you think that kind of "promise" would be worth anything at all?

Does it make you feel better if you have the illusion of exclusivity?

Why?

OP: I would think wanting to avoid STDs would be a reason. If he finds another option, that is fine, but then I will as well.

But you're going into the "relationship" already knowing that it's very casual and there's no commitment whatsoever. And no possibility of it ever growing into a committed relationship in the future. Those are your terms.

What sort of man do you think would agree to those terms, including exclusivity, and how do you know anyone who told you they were agreeable to those terms would actually be trustworthy?

The two things are mutually exclusive and you don't seem to understand that point at all.

Any man who is trustworthy enough to reliably agree to your "terms" is ALSO the type of man who would, on some level, have some preference or expectation for at least the possibility of a more meaningful, permanent, committed relationship to grow out of it--even if not leading to marriage.

Your marriage was and is dysfunctional, and I suspect you never have had a functional relationship with a man, most likely, because whatever relationship was modeled to you by your own parents was similarly hopelessly dysfunctional.

It's almost like you don't understand basic aspects of human nature.

OP here: my first love was a functional relationship—we were together for about 6 years; lived together for 4. We were too young. Ended at age 24. My second was dysfunctional. My parents have a bad marriage. I am capable of a functional relationship and would have one if I married the right person...but I didn’t. I do not want a normal relationship now because of my kids; otherwise I would. It would confuse them. I do not see how an FWB when I am not with the. Is a problem. Many people do not want to get their children involved with post-divorce relationships.

DP - I admire you OP for not dragging the kids into your personal relationship with another man. My DxW got married to the first guy she met after the divorce and the kids tolerate him, but don't like him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, 40's divorced dad here. This is me

OP here: thanks for chiming in. I was hoping to hear this. My husband and I will both be seeking the same thing after a divorce and I wondered if other men would feel the same. I am glad to hear it. Was thinking divorced dads might have the same idea.

I am not saying it exists or is sustainable in the long run but it's what I want.

Why aren't you two having coffee?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, 40's divorced dad here. This is me

OP here: thanks for chiming in. I was hoping to hear this. My husband and I will both be seeking the same thing after a divorce and I wondered if other men would feel the same. I am glad to hear it. Was thinking divorced dads might have the same idea.

I am not saying it exists or is sustainable in the long run but it's what I want.

Why aren't you two having coffee?

OP here: because I am not divorced yet. And because I would have no idea how to get in touch with someone via an online forum (post only as anonymous).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I am not divorced. I want a divorce. I never want another man to meet my children. I will never live with a man or commingle my finances ever again. I would like to once in awhile get some action but not involve my kids ever. I would think some divorced men would never want to marry again and seek a similar arrangement. Would not have to last forever. I think it is possible but I think it would be hard to find...I am not ever seeking a full time full out relationship. Annoying at the suggestion I would wait until kids go to college. Um, no. Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life, I’ve waited far too long, and any action would be better then the sexless marriage I have had (many many years...most of the marriage without it).

That's all well and good.

Why do you think any man willing to involve himself with you should agree to exclusivity with you, and even if he did, why do you think that kind of "promise" would be worth anything at all?

Does it make you feel better if you have the illusion of exclusivity?

Why?

OP: I would think wanting to avoid STDs would be a reason. If he finds another option, that is fine, but then I will as well.

But you're going into the "relationship" already knowing that it's very casual and there's no commitment whatsoever. And no possibility of it ever growing into a committed relationship in the future. Those are your terms.

What sort of man do you think would agree to those terms, including exclusivity, and how do you know anyone who told you they were agreeable to those terms would actually be trustworthy?

The two things are mutually exclusive and you don't seem to understand that point at all.

Any man who is trustworthy enough to reliably agree to your "terms" is ALSO the type of man who would, on some level, have some preference or expectation for at least the possibility of a more meaningful, permanent, committed relationship to grow out of it--even if not leading to marriage.

Your marriage was and is dysfunctional, and I suspect you never have had a functional relationship with a man, most likely, because whatever relationship was modeled to you by your own parents was similarly hopelessly dysfunctional.

It's almost like you don't understand basic aspects of human nature.

OP here: my first love was a functional relationship—we were together for about 6 years; lived together for 4. We were too young. Ended at age 24. My second was dysfunctional. My parents have a bad marriage. I am capable of a functional relationship and would have one if I married the right person...but I didn’t. I do not want a normal relationship now because of my kids; otherwise I would. It would confuse them. I do not see how an FWB when I am not with the. Is a problem. Many people do not want to get their children involved with post-divorce relationships.

DP - I admire you OP for not dragging the kids into your personal relationship with another man. My DxW got married to the first guy she met after the divorce and the kids tolerate him, but don't like him.

OP here: Thanks. I will not do that to my kids. I think that men have an easier time understanding why I want what I want than women. I am more practical and less emotional than most women I am friends with. I think men can understand from a practical perspective what I am after. I think a lot of women do not get it (hence asking me if I have been assessed for mental illness, which is ridiculous). I simply do not want to make my kids lives more difficult. But I would like some physical and a tiny piece of emotional needs met (just feeling desired is an emotional need...that is how I am definining it). My kids don't need to know about that. It is not that hard to understand.

[Anonymous]

But I would like some physical and a tiny piece of emotional needs met (just feeling desired is an emotional need...that is how I am definining it).

********

FWBs don't work out if there is any emotional need component. You say it's only "tiny" but that's just you fooling yourself. You want something more than just being sexually desired, which you can get from a thousand men or more, easily.

So that's why you want exclusivity. It has nothing to do with avoiding STDs. You want the guy to agree to be exclusive with you because it will satisfy your emotional need to feel "desirable," i.e. more desirable than just as a purely sexual partner.

On the one hand, you claim you just want casual sex and no commitment; but at the same time, you also state you have an emotional need to feel "desirable" which needs to be fulfilled too. The only way you think that emotional need can be fulfilled is if the guy is willing to foreswear all other women.

Because you're a special snowflake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But I would like some physical and a tiny piece of emotional needs met (just feeling desired is an emotional need...that is how I am definining it).

********

FWBs don't work out if there is any emotional need component. You say it's only "tiny" but that's just you fooling yourself. You want something more than just being sexually desired, which you can get from a thousand men or more, easily.

So that's why you want exclusivity. It has nothing to do with avoiding STDs. You want the guy to agree to be exclusive with you because it will satisfy your emotional need to feel "desirable," i.e. more desirable than just as a purely sexual partner.

On the one hand, you claim you just want casual sex and no commitment; but at the same time, you also state you have an emotional need to feel "desirable" which needs to be fulfilled too. The only way you think that emotional need can be fulfilled is if the guy is willing to foreswear all other women.

Because you're a special snowflake.

OP here: I want some form of monogamy while I am screwing someone to avoid STDs. Even if temporary. Feeling desired is the feeling of that man wanting to have sex with me...for a man, that is purely sexual...I define that as an emotional feeling for me only because it is not sex itself. I do not need or want anything emotional beyond that.