Breadwinner wants out of the rat race

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you're not reading OP's post very well. She took a less demanding job so she could pick up more on the home front. I'm really surprised everyone is dogging on OP. I think she went out of her way to say she wants her DH to be happy but is feeling betrayed. Is that really so unusual? Maybe everyone has their back up because OP used the word "bargain." She meant "compromise." Too many posters talking about OP needing to compromise based on what DH wants. What about DH compromising based on what OP wants? That should be part of a healthy marriage too.

Except marriage isn’t about one compromise and done. Things change. He has a young child and one on the way. He wants to enjoy family life. And OP thinks he’s going back on their bargain/compromise and doesn’t want to live on less. I completely understand why many PPs are saying she needs to compromise again and if the money means that much, she should get back in the rat race.

The problem is that she can’t, what was possible for her career wise when they made the bargain is no longer. And frankly I think op regrets giving her big career up in favor of someone who decided they didn’t really want the big career late enough that there was no turning back for her. The money is secondary.

I'm a PP but not this PP. Yes, of course she does, but that was her decision. She can regret it all she wants but it's her fault.

You are a bit lacking in empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you're not reading OP's post very well. She took a less demanding job so she could pick up more on the home front. I'm really surprised everyone is dogging on OP. I think she went out of her way to say she wants her DH to be happy but is feeling betrayed. Is that really so unusual? Maybe everyone has their back up because OP used the word "bargain." She meant "compromise." Too many posters talking about OP needing to compromise based on what DH wants. What about DH compromising based on what OP wants? That should be part of a healthy marriage too.

Except marriage isn’t about one compromise and done. Things change. He has a young child and one on the way. He wants to enjoy family life. And OP thinks he’s going back on their bargain/compromise and doesn’t want to live on less. I completely understand why many PPs are saying she needs to compromise again and if the money means that much, she should get back in the rat race.

The problem is that she can’t, what was possible for her career wise when they made the bargain is no longer. And frankly I think op regrets giving her big career up in favor of someone who decided they didn’t really want the big career late enough that there was no turning back for her. The money is secondary.

I'm a PP but not this PP. Yes, of course she does, but that was her decision. She can regret it all she wants but it's her fault.

DP. Maybe she does regret it, but her regrets shouldn't mean he is obligated to work a highly stressful 70 hrs/week job when there is a 40 hr/week job with a reasonable salary alternative.

I absolutely agree with you.

No one,including op, is suggesting he is obligated to stay at his job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you're not reading OP's post very well. She took a less demanding job so she could pick up more on the home front. I'm really surprised everyone is dogging on OP. I think she went out of her way to say she wants her DH to be happy but is feeling betrayed. Is that really so unusual? Maybe everyone has their back up because OP used the word "bargain." She meant "compromise." Too many posters talking about OP needing to compromise based on what DH wants. What about DH compromising based on what OP wants? That should be part of a healthy marriage too.

Except marriage isn’t about one compromise and done. Things change. He has a young child and one on the way. He wants to enjoy family life. And OP thinks he’s going back on their bargain/compromise and doesn’t want to live on less. I completely understand why many PPs are saying she needs to compromise again and if the money means that much, she should get back in the rat race.

The problem is that she can’t, what was possible for her career wise when they made the bargain is no longer. And frankly I think op regrets giving her big career up in favor of someone who decided they didn’t really want the big career late enough that there was no turning back for her. The money is secondary.

I'm a PP but not this PP. Yes, of course she does, but that was her decision. She can regret it all she wants but it's her fault.

You are a bit lacking in empathy.

She doesn't need empathy, she needs a real job. Empathy doesn't pay bills. OP needs to pay bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you're not reading OP's post very well. She took a less demanding job so she could pick up more on the home front. I'm really surprised everyone is dogging on OP. I think she went out of her way to say she wants her DH to be happy but is feeling betrayed. Is that really so unusual? Maybe everyone has their back up because OP used the word "bargain." She meant "compromise." Too many posters talking about OP needing to compromise based on what DH wants. What about DH compromising based on what OP wants? That should be part of a healthy marriage too.

Except marriage isn’t about one compromise and done. Things change. He has a young child and one on the way. He wants to enjoy family life. And OP thinks he’s going back on their bargain/compromise and doesn’t want to live on less. I completely understand why many PPs are saying she needs to compromise again and if the money means that much, she should get back in the rat race.

The problem is that she can’t, what was possible for her career wise when they made the bargain is no longer. And frankly I think op regrets giving her big career up in favor of someone who decided they didn’t really want the big career late enough that there was no turning back for her. The money is secondary.

I'm a PP but not this PP. Yes, of course she does, but that was her decision. She can regret it all she wants but it's her fault.

DP. Maybe she does regret it, but her regrets shouldn't mean he is obligated to work a highly stressful 70 hrs/week job when there is a 40 hr/week job with a reasonable salary alternative.

I absolutely agree with you.

No one,including op, is suggesting he is obligated to stay at his job.

Then what is the issue? Why even post? He can just get his new job and be done with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you're not reading OP's post very well. She took a less demanding job so she could pick up more on the home front. I'm really surprised everyone is dogging on OP. I think she went out of her way to say she wants her DH to be happy but is feeling betrayed. Is that really so unusual? Maybe everyone has their back up because OP used the word "bargain." She meant "compromise." Too many posters talking about OP needing to compromise based on what DH wants. What about DH compromising based on what OP wants? That should be part of a healthy marriage too.

Except marriage isn’t about one compromise and done. Things change. He has a young child and one on the way. He wants to enjoy family life. And OP thinks he’s going back on their bargain/compromise and doesn’t want to live on less. I completely understand why many PPs are saying she needs to compromise again and if the money means that much, she should get back in the rat race.

The problem is that she can’t, what was possible for her career wise when they made the bargain is no longer. And frankly I think op regrets giving her big career up in favor of someone who decided they didn’t really want the big career late enough that there was no turning back for her. The money is secondary.

I'm a PP but not this PP. Yes, of course she does, but that was her decision. She can regret it all she wants but it's her fault.

DP. Maybe she does regret it, but her regrets shouldn't mean he is obligated to work a highly stressful 70 hrs/week job when there is a 40 hr/week job with a reasonable salary alternative.

I absolutely agree with you.

No one,including op, is suggesting he is obligated to stay at his job.

Then what is the issue? Why even post? He can just get his new job and be done with it.

I am the person above who said I agreed. The issue is that the wife wants him to make more money.

[Anonymous]

The issue is OP asked for advice on how to discuss this with DH.

OP- Maybe one way to talk about it is to ask DH what he envisions his life and his life with the family looking like in a 9-5 job. That might present a picture that appeals more to you (and is more concrete) than your fear of having less income. I'll project a bit here, but when my DH talks about a career change, I'm always discouraged by how much of what he envisions doesn't really involve me or the kids (and for the record I'm the breadwinner in my family). Hopefully your DH has a decent amount of family time in mind.

Anyway, after hearing what life looks like, draw up a budget of that that life costs. Maybe he too would have second thoughts once he sees you won't be doing X,Y, or Z. Finally, there is little harm and only potential benefit in him starting to look for another job. Fed jobs don't come through quickly.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:lol @ great biglaw maternity leave. I’m on that maternity leave now but I pulled 1-2 all nighters a month throughout including one the week before starting leave. Extremely extremely hard on my pregnant body.

Yeah but no Federal and few private companies offer ANY kind of maternity leave.

[Anonymous]

You sound greedy and lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can he look into joining another firm as a non equity partner? My BFF does this. She works a 2/3 schedule (which is still 40-50 hrs), isn’t responsible for bringing in business and still makes 500k +. I don’t know her exact salary but I know it is over 500j and that one year she made over 700k.

This sounds like a unicorn job. How did she find this?

+1. Those numbers sound very high for a part time non-equity partner. Are you sure those are right?

Yes she is pretty open about it. We’re in a FB moms group and she’s mentioned the #s a few times in different contexts. She always says she works in a “niche” practice field. Something to do with taxes. I didn’t really pay attention because it sounds really boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you're not reading OP's post very well. She took a less demanding job so she could pick up more on the home front. I'm really surprised everyone is dogging on OP. I think she went out of her way to say she wants her DH to be happy but is feeling betrayed. Is that really so unusual? Maybe everyone has their back up because OP used the word "bargain." She meant "compromise." Too many posters talking about OP needing to compromise based on what DH wants. What about DH compromising based on what OP wants? That should be part of a healthy marriage too.

Except marriage isn’t about one compromise and done. Things change. He has a young child and one on the way. He wants to enjoy family life. And OP thinks he’s going back on their bargain/compromise and doesn’t want to live on less. I completely understand why many PPs are saying she needs to compromise again and if the money means that much, she should get back in the rat race.

The problem is that she can’t, what was possible for her career wise when they made the bargain is no longer. And frankly I think op regrets giving her big career up in favor of someone who decided they didn’t really want the big career late enough that there was no turning back for her. The money is secondary.

I'm a PP but not this PP. Yes, of course she does, but that was her decision. She can regret it all she wants but it's her fault.

You are a bit lacking in empathy.

LOL. It’s not like OP is showing much towards her DH either!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you're not reading OP's post very well. She took a less demanding job so she could pick up more on the home front. I'm really surprised everyone is dogging on OP. I think she went out of her way to say she wants her DH to be happy but is feeling betrayed. Is that really so unusual? Maybe everyone has their back up because OP used the word "bargain." She meant "compromise." Too many posters talking about OP needing to compromise based on what DH wants. What about DH compromising based on what OP wants? That should be part of a healthy marriage too.

Except marriage isn’t about one compromise and done. Things change. He has a young child and one on the way. He wants to enjoy family life. And OP thinks he’s going back on their bargain/compromise and doesn’t want to live on less. I completely understand why many PPs are saying she needs to compromise again and if the money means that much, she should get back in the rat race.

The problem is that she can’t, what was possible for her career wise when they made the bargain is no longer. And frankly I think op regrets giving her big career up in favor of someone who decided they didn’t really want the big career late enough that there was no turning back for her. The money is secondary.

I'm a PP but not this PP. Yes, of course she does, but that was her decision. She can regret it all she wants but it's her fault.

DP. Maybe she does regret it, but her regrets shouldn't mean he is obligated to work a highly stressful 70 hrs/week job when there is a 40 hr/week job with a reasonable salary alternative.

Also what if he had not been successful- ie washed out/did not make partner? Would she feel betrayed? She needs to start pulling her weight or find a new man to provide for her. ...oh I know people will say she wasted her youth with the loser quitter husband she has now but that’s the risk you take.

[Anonymous]

I think people are reading too much into OP’s putting her career on hold for the family. The OP did not step down as a partner. We all know everyone is on the partner trade but few make partner. I do not think we can say she is in the same league as her husband, very few make it in big law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue is OP asked for advice on how to discuss this with DH.

OP- Maybe one way to talk about it is to ask DH what he envisions his life and his life with the family looking like in a 9-5 job. That might present a picture that appeals more to you (and is more concrete) than your fear of having less income. I'll project a bit here, but when my DH talks about a career change, I'm always discouraged by how much of what he envisions doesn't really involve me or the kids (and for the record I'm the breadwinner in my family). Hopefully your DH has a decent amount of family time in mind.

Anyway, after hearing what life looks like, draw up a budget of that that life costs. Maybe he too would have second thoughts once he sees you won't be doing X,Y, or Z. Finally, there is little harm and only potential benefit in him starting to look for another job. Fed jobs don't come through quickly.

Good luck!

+1

[Anonymous]

OP - you are not giving financial specifics which makes it hard to give specific advice. How much is outstanding on your mortgage and is your DH’s salary now sufficient that you could target paying that off before he transitions to a fed or lower paying job.

Life without a mortgage is very liveable in the DC area on a lawyer fed salary.

I also agree that it is not as easy as some thinks to get a high paying fed lawyer job, so you may have some time to work on this.

You also can work on getting a fed lawyer job, I have a good friend who left biglaw associate job, did sahm for a number of years, then went nonprofit and then went fed. It can be done and probably with less effort than your husband is currently putting into his job.

Good luck, change is hard. The family time is totally worth it in my opinion. I am part of a two fed attorney family doing just fine (350HHI) and we didn’t have the years of biglaw partner money to create the cushion you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Legal Fed jobs and low-stress in house jobs are actually quite hard to come by, even for big-law partners. So you may be worrying for nothing OP.

Even high stress in house jobs are nothing like the partner grind.

Those are hard to find too. Ask me how I know this! It could be literally YEARS before OP’s DH can find something else.