Breadwinner wants out of the rat race

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are learning why one should never depend on someone else financially. OP, you need to support yourself and half expenses for your child/ren. Husband does too.

+1. That's how I am. I am fortunate to have a great marriage, and I love my DH, but I would not go to a non-profit that was a total detour to my career, just because my husband wanted to go for partner. My DH and I are both lawyers in our 40's, and have both worked in biglaw in our 20's and 30's. We both know that the lifestyle of biglaw is difficult for most to sustain, and so I just would not have done that detour.

Having said that, I think women do themselves a disservice when they assume that they are forever off of a particular track. I know women who were SAHMs who are really high quality people and were able to transition back into careers and really advanced. Have that confidence in yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Legal Fed jobs and low-stress in house jobs are actually quite hard to come by, even for big-law partners. So you may be worrying for nothing OP.

+1. I work as an attorney in the federal government. We got tons of awesome resumes for any open position. Most of our office is Ivy League with lots of Biglaw experience.

[Anonymous]

You sounds really greedy OP. Did you ever stop to think that your husband wants to see his kids more often?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, tell him you will take the kids away if he cuts back. There is no way he can afford a divorce at this point in his career. He will never think of leaving Buglaw again and in a year orso will be past this crisis and will actually thank you.

You mean he will succumb to blackmail and eventually become numb to his pain and misery?

Is that what you mean?

[Anonymous]

Did OP ever say how old DH is? And how old is she? If he is older, it kind of makes sense to me, tired, 3 year old he never sees and she is expecting a baby. That would suck, I know a lot of women who would be happy to have their husband be more interested in home life. If he is doing this and doesn't actually want to spend more time with OP and kids at home, and just wants more rest time, I can understand that as well. Especially if they waited too long to start a family.

[Anonymous]

There are likely many upsides for your family life that you will discover that are nearly impossible for you to imagine right now.

First of all, your DH will be more fun to be around. Second, if he has more time available, then he could pick up more slack on the home front, thus easing some of those burdens...

Unless your expenses have gotten to the point where you'd be in trouble (mortgage for example), it seems like he could find an in-house job, etc, that would pay as much or more than a nonprofit job.

Also, this could allow you to make a change - it might be hard at first, but it would be the first time in a while that you'd be able to take on something more demanding if you wanted. So what if it's not a partner track in big law. Sure, easy for a stranger to say, but almost everyone I know in big law spends time talking about how they'd like to leave if they could...

I get it on the career thing - I quit my job recently to stay at home with older kids - it was important for me to do so for various reasons and my job didn't allow me to be a mom. Yes, I worry about my career options being dead, but you're still 'in the game' and, if you have kids at home, presumably not too old to change your path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people are reading too much into OP’s putting her career on hold for the family. The OP did not step down as a partner. We all know everyone is on the partner trade but few make partner. I do not think we can say she is in the same league as her husband, very few make it in big law.

You may think that she is wrong or is lying, but she said in the OP that had things been reversed, she would be where her husband is in his career now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP. I’m double biglaw now so I really understand what you’re saying. Ignore the MRA trolls. Nothing you said was selfish or wrong.

Making partner is a great gold star. You guys have a ton of longer term options. You’re totally right that the comp is back-loaded but walking away from partner *today* doesn’t mean walking away from that comp forever. I work at one of the old school white shoe firms an I know a bunch of partners who did a stint in gov or in house and came back. He just has to be strategic. Help him develop a long term plan that keeps doors open and him at home for a while.

You should see if DH could do this sort of thing. My guess is that he needs a break or he will break. Sounds unsustainable for him right now, which isn't good for you or your children and certainly not good for him. There are many lines of work that build in sabbaticals, and he could probably perform better if he gets this breathing room. Or he leaves altogether. There is more to life than money, although I can understand the "investment" piece.

[Anonymous]

It’s a man’s right to choose his career. If women don’t get that, perhaps they need to consider how they’d feel about long threads in which men debate whether women should control their own bodies.

OP is obviously engaging in some revisionist history to try and justify her desire to maintain a lifestyle in which her DH is essentially a slave to the billable hour. If she were that talented as a BigLaw associate, she would not have gone to a non-profit. If he were that talented as a partner, he would be bringing in business, not working 70-hour weeks to keep some rainmaker happy. Time to face reality and stop pretending they should be rich just because they got good grades in college.

[Anonymous]

I'm a breadwinner (mom) too, and I'm looking to get out of the rat race. but I also realize my responsibility to my family and priorities that I (we) set, and my obligation to fulfill them.
We are living on less than half our salary now and saving a ton, in order to fund the kids' college funds and bulk up our retirement accounts (and investment accounts).

I set a short time horizon (3 years) that I will keep working at this pace, saving about $1million in that time, and that will give me lots of future options. I can retire early. I can work part-time. I can just take a sabbatical for a year. We'll see.
But knowing I will have lots of options in the near term gives me the energy to keep working hard for just a few more years.

Sit down with your DH, build a long-term budget/investment plan in excel, and look at your options. As a law partner, he could probably save $1 million over the next couple years, and then pull the plug. Or ask his firm right now if he can take a sabbatical or 3-6 month leave of absence. Most firms would rather do this than lose a Partner.

Also, don't have more kids. They will keep you working until you're 60+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are reading too much into OP’s putting her career on hold for the family. The OP did not step down as a partner. We all know everyone is on the partner trade but few make partner. I do not think we can say she is in the same league as her husband, very few make it in big law.

You may think that she is wrong or is lying, but she said in the OP that had things been reversed, she would be where her husband is in his career now.

I'm sure she'd like to think that was the case, but since she bailed before she was up for partner she'll never know.

[Anonymous]

OP, some people here try to make you feel bad for expressing your feelings. Your DH husband is betraying your agreement.
You sacrificed your Biglaw career knowing that he will continue in Biglaw and maintain your lifestyle. If he wanted out, he should have
been the one stepping out and let you be the primary Biglaw breadwinner. Now he is about to ruin your family future. He is supposed to support his family and he is about to fail big time. You have a baby on the way, how does he think your family will survive living on a lower income. A Biglaw lifestyle is the ultimate definition of success and opulence. You worked so hard to get to this point. Don’t let your DH trash it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are reading too much into OP’s putting her career on hold for the family. The OP did not step down as a partner. We all know everyone is on the partner trade but few make partner. I do not think we can say she is in the same league as her husband, very few make it in big law.

You may think that she is wrong or is lying, but she said in the OP that had things been reversed, she would be where her husband is in his career now.

I'm sure she'd like to think that was the case, but since she bailed before she was up for partner she'll never know.

Yeah, that's a fantasy from OP. Plus, easy to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, some people here try to make you feel bad for expressing your feelings. Your DH husband is betraying your agreement.
You sacrificed your Biglaw career knowing that he will continue in Biglaw and maintain your lifestyle. If he wanted out, he should have
been the one stepping out and let you be the primary Biglaw breadwinner. Now he is about to ruin your family future. He is supposed to support his family and he is about to fail big time. You have a baby on the way, how does he think your family will survive living on a lower income. A Biglaw lifestyle is the ultimate definition of success and opulence. You worked so hard to get to this point. Don’t let your DH trash it.

Your poor husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are reading too much into OP’s putting her career on hold for the family. The OP did not step down as a partner. We all know everyone is on the partner trade but few make partner. I do not think we can say she is in the same league as her husband, very few make it in big law.

You may think that she is wrong or is lying, but she said in the OP that had things been reversed, she would be where her husband is in his career now.

But she has no idea. The women I know who stepped out of the work place to raise their kids are different from the women who stayed and achieved big things. It's easy to imagine you could have been an intense, high performer when you opted out before you had to do it. Just like it sounds like her husband thought he could do it and has actually made it in a number of ways, but it's turning out to require more of him than he has to give.

Ultimately, none of that really matters because they are where they are. She got to hop into a life style she preferred, and now her husband is looking to do the same. They need to figure it out together. It will likely require compromises on both sides, just as their original agreement did.

If she's really unhappy with it, she can offer to change places with her husband. She will go after the big career, and he can do the non-profit and kids thing. If she truly could have had the big career, while it might take a bit longer now, she still has the capability and can go for it.